I sat down to meditate an hour with some exhaustion showing up. My eyes teared, not out of sadness, but out of tiredness. Am I tired from the day, or from trying too much? Certainly with a brain injury, exhaustion can show up at any time, but for right now what came to my mind was just the fact that I am trying too hard. I want a payoff for suffering, I guess. We all try too hard to be something we are not, from something as simple as make-up or smiling to someone we expect to influence positively. I think at times I am trying too hard to be wise, knowing in the back of my mind that if I relax any thoughts of doing or pursuing this path…. I will just rubber band back into ignorance. I do know that not imbibing in alcohol has been as natural translation of the manifestation of wisdom. That came out not of doing or trying to be better than others. Surely, trying will still come up out of my desire to be more aware. I must not expect any trying to manifest in happiness even when it is subtly masked as an undercurrent of wisdom. I know I am trying too hard to wash out the bad experiences in my life that made me into who I am…. or at least expose them in the hopes of beginning a new happier life.
I have recently restarted my Mozart Brain Lab, because we did my sessions too fast in the past, and did not see much improvement in speech. In reflection about this, I said to a friend recently that if I never get any better in speech, I am totally fine with it, because I know that it will not change my life. I am not thinking the same way about my wisdom goals, because I am still expecting it to change my life. I want something still, and hence I am trying too hard. Am I dressing up desire to play itself out as a dance of wisdom? Certainly this wisdom path has brought out my natural ability to help others ten fold, but also exposed the selfishness that came out of hurt and difficulties. I know I can’t expect my life to really have any more meaning to me or to others…it just happened and will continue its normal course…with wisdom or not. I am just a tiny bit more aware, and that is about it.
