The Experiencing Self & Remembering Self

"We actually don't chose between experiences, but we chose between memories of experiences. ...We think of our future in terms of anticipated memories!"

"There is genuine question:

Why do we put so much weight on memory,

relative to the weight we put on experiences?"
—Daniel Kahneman

Perhaps this why meditation works so well, we are putting our memories on the back burner, and creating new experiences as they dissipate.... with which to draw on in the future...Was Once

Prisoner of Circumstance

I am helping a friend move, and just unloaded a bunch of stuff outside his car and was waiting for him to come out. A red faced Russian man, smoking a pink wrapped long slim cigar, comes over to me blowing out smoke to the side, “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

Without time for me to answer he launches into a tirade about being locked up overnight by some kind of altercation with his woman. I really did not have any choice, but to listen, standing by all my friend’s things on the ground. So, I just tried my best to just hear him out. .. .a prisoner of circumstance. He offered me a "cigar-rette", which I kindly declined, but noting he was somewhat civilized. His accent was to hard to get it all, at his rate of rant or maybe it was the after-effects of drinking and no sleep… and I am good with accents. I began to day-dream about how he is a good character study, fighting his remorse by trying to engage me to commiserate. Of course, I agreed and nodded my head at appropriate times feigning interest. Wanna hire me?

I think it came down, when she did something dumb(it is always someone else’s fault), and he being drunk, rasied his voice and hand …not to strike her(he says) just to set her straight. And the cops were called. With statements about his 5 million dollar company, and how he would never hit for fear it would jeopardize his business. Is he bragging or is that ego talking? But he was still pissed by the cops that took her side and threw him into the drunk tank. And how he could get Shapiro (you know, the lawyer, he says) to close down this station.*&#_(@)#! Which just so happened to be 10 doors down from my friend’s new place.

He was on a roll after being cooped up, and finally my friend walked up to rescue me and the Russian from Odessa offered to help. I guess out of feeling guilty from unloading on me. I was the first person he encountered after his release…lucky me!

Under Buddha’s Eightfold Path right intention falls under wisdom. Wisdom that comes from a commitment to have good will and avoid anger and aversion. I have found in my practice, it is a little bit hard to maintain right intention in the heat of the moment, and I came up with this while in meditation. Before you say something truthfully or you feel your temperature going up before you jump into an issue that may seem warranted…look carefully at how you see the future of this incident. That seems to be easier to do, because it takes you out of immediate. Are you causing it to drag on longer and get further away from your goal? Being right in every instance might cause you to back track, apologize, or just throw good will out the window.

What Harm Do I Cause If I Marry My Partner?

In the Perry v. Schwarzenegger,

a U.S. District Court case challenging

the constitutional validity of California's Proposition 8.

"But what really happened, which was a very eye-opening event, during the course of the trial, during one of the earlier proceedings. The judge in our case asked my opponent, "What harm to the institution of heterosexual marriage would occur if gays and lesbians were allowed to marry?"

This went back and forth and back and forth. The judge kept wanting an answer. "What damage would be done to the institution of marriage if we allowed this to happen?" And my opponent said, finally, he had to answer it truthfully. He paused and he said, "I don't know. I don't know." That to me sums up the other side.

They say the traditional definition of marriage, but nothing by allowing the two couples that were before the court or others like them to engage in a relationship with their partner where they can be treated as an equal member of society hurts your marriage or my marriage or David's marriage or any other heterosexual marriage. People are not going to say, "I don't want to get married anymore if those same sex people can get married. That's not going to happen." There is no evidence to support a basis for this prohibition." — lawyer, Ted Olson, PBS Bill Moyers

Who Needs Who?

When my brother and his family finally met my partner earlier this month ...he told him that he is very important to me. It was a great welcoming moment for my partner. Not that it is never spoken between us, rather it is almost daily. To have this said from another person is icing on the cake. In reflection, the two of us work so well, because even though our needs, in general, are totally different, we still carry the same value to each other. It is not heavy on one side or the other. We respect and learn from each other. He joked yesterday, after I helped him on some problems in a case study, saying that they will have both our names on his Masters. All this did not happen without a bit of work on both of our ends in the first few years. I like how real love motivates understanding and respect leading to a real balance, thus not clinging to make believe image of the other, that can predict an end to any relationship. Either way, I need him more, damnit.

I Knew Something Was Up...A Reminder

On a nice sunny day, I take off for the gym. As I walk down, I see Riz, sitting in the sun in a chair in front of his house. I never see him do this, as he is usually running around in his truck or Porsche, always looking busy. He is neighbor I know and have talked to a few times, so I stop to say hi, and ask how he is doing. I am in a rush, but I know something is up.

“It hit me like a brick!” I ask, “What happened?” Riz said, “I had a triple by-pass, and now… I just don’t know. I am used to getting around and being the provider.” His eyes are starting to well up. "I wasn’t ready for this," going on to detail how much it has changed his life, ending with, “Oh, well …I guess I could be dead!” he says, sprinkled with self-pity.

I try to tell him that who you are is independent of what you used to do. "You are you, regardless, and what you need now is take time to heal. You should go on vacation or to the beach," knowing he has the means.

But I could tell that he was not hearing this, and so I brought up Sam, another neighbor who I just happened to greet, since I saw him sitting sunning by my house. Sam is 83( he will say, "damn near 100"), and had at least one-stroke years ago, leaving with a cane to keep steady. I often will see his worried wife come out, calling for him, if he falls asleep in the sun.

I figured they knew each other. He told me, “Yes, Sam designed this house.” I knew that someone closer to his age would be able to at least commiserate. So, I said I will go get him, running up the street.

Sam is not too far now with his cane and newspaper strolling up the street in the opposite direction. I catch up with Sam, out of air. “Hey, Sam", panting, "Riz just had triple by-pass and needs some help! Sam said, “What?” A common reply to anything I say with this damn speech problem, whatever age the listener is. I slow down and repeat it, explaining the situation and saying he needs some cheering up. “Oh, ok, then” says Sam. We then walk down together talking, delivering him to Riz.

Buddhist Daily Reflections

I am of the nature to age. I am subject to aging. I have not got beyond aging.

I am of the nature to sicken. I am subject to illness. I have not got beyond illness.

I am of the nature to die. I am subject to death. I have not got beyond death.

Separation from what is pleasing and beloved will definitely happen to me.

I am the owner of my kamma, the heir of my kamma; born of my kamma, related to my kamma, and I abide... supported by my kamma. Whatever kamma I do, for good or for evil, to that I will fall heir.

These things should be frequently recollected.

Going Un-Buddhist...NOT

I try to make friends at my gym or at least be pleasant and outgoing. I try not to wear an IPOD all the time, which divorces you from human contact. Why listen to the whiney song, “All you need is love,” looking forlorn? Today, I saw I young man with a tattoo that said, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE WHEN I SEE YOU, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY DISGUST. What an exquisite use of ink, a real work of art and have fun removing it when you wake up. You get the bad with the good....the whole range.

A few years ago, I tried to make friends with this lady who I see a couple times in yoga. I talked to her once, and thought we got past the Stranger, I don’t need to know you phase.

Well, she had broken her leg while dancing, and was right back at the gym. You got to give her credit. I chatted a few times, jumping starting the conversation about her healing and ya-ya’s. And every time I would see her, she would never say hi, in general, unless really pressed.

Things heal, and time passes and she back at it, and broke it again…same leg. So, she knows I meditate in the room before yoga and she asks me to help her get a spot and an exercise ball to use, by calling me on my cell phone. I oblige a few times, but still think it is a little much for someone who is so sour. I humor her, but then I am gone for three months, and she is on her own. I come back and she has no cast, and still no change in her character. Surprise, Surprise!

Wouldn’t you know it she breaks it again, same leg. I am meditating one day, and her crutches come lumbering up, and she taps my mat with her crutches to open my eyes and she wants me to help again. I do it without any attitude, set her up with stuff and before I can get back to meditating she asks me if I can save her spot and help her again by calling me each day. All contact with her is void of any smiles or pleasantry. Then I decided to do something so Un-Buddhist. I replied, I am not sure when I am back again, saying I’m sorry and walked back to my mat. I put my foot down thinking that for someone who has no appreciation for what I have done in the past ….or any common courtesy for my attempts to be friendly. So, I will just get out of the way. Not really feeling good about it, and knowing that in all the Buddhist Teachings I have heard you are NOT supposed to expect anything when you do something good because it leads to grasping. I did not explain to her why this transpired and thought about it, but dropped it. I think I will just leave it to some other nice person to do the job, I can no longer stomach.

Falling for Wisdom

Communicating with a young friend of mine about my desire to be a novice again, even for short time. He shot off a reply email saying it would be extremely difficult for him, but not for me because, as he put it, “you are asexual!” I laughed… I wish. Sure, I am older(almost twice his age), but by no means ready to throw in the towel. I told him, that while I am currently away from my partner while he is in a masters program, I have made the decision to honor him and us by choosing not to be active. It was not a demand by him, but more a wisdom move motivated by not wanting to disturb our commitment. Open relationships may seem fine to some, but it opens the door to the potential of falsely thinking that someone else may be better. We all know how fast things happen and often without our awareness. Do we really want peace in our lives? We often forget we sometimes create the chaos... that we so desperately want to get rid of. Now, would I have said this when I was his age, probably not….and that is where age allows some wisdom to creep in naturally as pay off for this old body, that fewer people desire.

"The socially conditioned hormonal hunger for copulation twists raw experience to make sex appear as pleasure. Is sexual pleasure the way things truly are, or just the way desire makes them seem? Venerable Ananda said to Venerable Vangisa that lust is but a inversion of perception(SN8.4)!" — Ajahn Brahm, Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond