My Heart Wasn't in My Own Action

In pursuing this Buddhist path and how to approach a clear understanding of past habits and patterns, I came upon this interview that has some great points. Certainly, meditation really helps bring the experiential closer to home, i.e. the body. But you know our little weasel of a mind that often cries, “What about me?

Here is some transcript from points I find clear and pointed from Peter Shor’s interview of Andy Nesky(part 2 of 7), explaining the teaching of George Ivanovitch Gurdjief on Youtube. Gurdijief borrowed heavily from ancient religions forming his own teaching. I feel transcribing it would be more beneficial to other seekers of wisdom than just putting up the link. There are a few jewels of wisdom here and I might post some more. I apologize if I make any errors in my transcribing, and the italics are mine.

“Basically as we’re mostly reactionary. So he says something to me and really I have a reaction and I say what my reaction is. If you insult me I might have a reaction of feeling defensive because I don’t think I deserved that kind of comment. In most of our life goes sort of like back and forth with reactions. The problem with reactions they don’t always serve our purposes. So in a certain situation my anger might have caused me to lose my job. In another circumstance my fear may prevent me for doing what I really need to do. An opportunity that might never come again. So by being aware and expanding our consciousness we get to the root of ourselves in these situations so that the peripheral reaction that happens in the case of say anger or fear or any of these common forms of lower emotions. There is something that can shift through it and can see through the surface of it. So for example a person insults me and see directly that the person who is that position is a hurt person, and it maybe because they were mistreated by their parents or whatever the circumstances. By being able to have a deeper connection with the present moment and the person I speaking with, my compassion for seeing that would prevent me from just falling into anger and saying something that would not be beneficial for that situation. So part of the idea of more consciousness in life is having the ability to choose. To decide what is appropriate for any given moment and to not just be subject for reaction. If I’m there and deciding, I have an aspect of will or an aspect of I as an individual, that isn’t there, if I am just reacting. So, when I react and basically I am this set of patterns that were formed in my childhood and all my life, up to now. Hence, I learn to have a deeper connection with myself and have a choice at given moment how to manifest. Then there is a conscious intention that inwardly is manifested as a state of ‘I am.’ I am an individual that can choose what to do, what to say, what is appropriate, rather than just fall into a mechanical action. The advantage of that is that is many of our mechanical reactions gets us into trouble, because we get into a habit. So if I have a habit of drinking it may lead me to be an alcoholic, or if I have a habit of smoking my lead me to certain forms of cancer. Various kinds of things that we do mechanically don’t surface.”

I know for myself, more than half of how I deal with life, I learned from my alcoholic father. A father who was sadly inconvenienced by his four kids. Sometimes, I would come home and it would be a sarcastic commentary on the messed up world that is out to get us. Oh, he was funny and biting and had it all right, until it came to us children. It was suddenly no fun, anymore. Other times, it was hell on fire with no fire extinguisher. It never left me with a reasonable way to see the world, and so I learned to be reactionary, thinking I can make a decision right or wrong and be done. A Fight or flight way of seeing the world, which doesn't always allow you to be a well adjusted and diplomatic person. Or just be able to sit with it. Yet, I am inside a common sense type of person, who is now on this wisdom path to make a sensible and kind contribution. Instead of running away.

Try a Day Without Plastic

After seeing these two videos, it makes me want to be even more aware of how much plastic packaging we encounter every day. From our to go coffee cup lids, shaving blades to our "bagged Spinach." In Sri Lanka, my partner and I gathered three huge bags of plastic waste on the beach in Mirissa in just one hour. I have quit buying any drinks in plastic and filter my own water putting it in stainless steel and stopped plastic garbage bags but that is just not enough. Try to be aware of how plastic you use, and the fact that you end up eating it one way or another.

Here are two sites with information on what you can do:

http://lifewithoutplastic.com/

http://adaywithoutplastic.blogspot.com/

Where Do I Belong?

In spending two weeks away at another friend's house with only two cats as "friends," I was able to spend a lot of time meditating and thinking. If I need to be around those that know me and love me to feel alive, then I do have a lot more work to do ...to let go. I know that I have come to understand my purpose in life this time away and am beginning to understand some of hindrances to my wisdom path. It is probably better for me not to speak, or to avoid it at all costs. My frustration and others' when they look at me dumbfounded because in most cases they are not really listening. I have to then, in the case of a public place, quickly figure out how best to communicate usually in a pressure infused situation. This does does not bring out the best in either party, and soon becomes fork in the road off my wisdom path. I know the doctors encourage me to speak in order to get things working again, but a clinical environment is not the real world. Incidentally, when traveling to foreign countries I have much better luck with comprehension because those are trying to listen. They guess I am a foreigner, too ...instead of brain injured.

Mainly it comes down to what I say is not that important that I can't write it down to communicate on a small pad. I guess, my pride is showing up when I can't make it easier for others by doing so. Ego aside, this will, in fact, make me seem less agitated and thus smooth the path to wisdom knowing I often don't belong in the "normal" world.

Do I post to let people know I exist?

Bicycling to a cafe while out of town, I sat down with my tea and said "hi" to a gentleman sitting reading the paper, inquiring about a free chair next to him. In asking one question as a reply to one of complaints, I was suddenly subjected to a total hour of his life's story without any breaks. I began to size up why this was happening, as whatever mindfulness I had at first just flew away. Perhaps, he is lonely but it seems like too much information on his side without any regards to me. It seemed so peculiar, but certainly tied in to why the gentleman may not have any friends. I could not even been there once he got started causing me to burn out any compassion I had. It was so exhausting that I told him I have to go to the bathroom, and never looked back...and left the place. A man who complains about the intentions of others, who did not reflect on how he presents himself.... discordant like the dancer below.

Thinking of this guy's verbal papancha reminded of the question, "Do I post to let people know I exist?" I have said previously that the real reason I blog is to provide my partner my partner a real insight as to who I am in case I die unexpectedly(like do we ever really expect it?) But, I, in fact, know him well enough to know that words from my thinking mind make no difference to him, as he really works from his heart. He knows full well who I am, it has been almost ten years now. I finally know my life's purpose and obviously it was not to write but instead to allow my partner to be able to reach his full potential. In the process I have learned to love without expectations with the knowledge his pure intention and consistent love was his gift to me.

We Are Only As Good As We Think

I am staying in a friend's house offered from his heart, away from my little perceived troubles. When I think about it, I gave my seeker friend my home whenever he is in town. I did that, not expecting this to happen. Wow, I feel lucky. I have been meditating and playing with his cats, just chilling. Tonight, I went to a Buddhist temple and meant a whole new crew. Outside after a dhamma talk a man complimented on my "buddha nature," saying I must have been on the path for years just by how he viewed me tonight. I said, "thank you," but I really wanted to help him in any way I could. He was involved in a conversation with someone else when he broke it to say this to me. Perhaps next week, I can do something that will definitely help. Meanwhile, the least I could is share the excitement I feel with Fagattron's talent below.

Who Am I?

Upon entering, the nun smiled and said, “I knew it was you.” I sat down to do prostrations to Buddha before puja, while she went upstairs, telling the other nun I was there. I heard her say my name in reference to who was there and it struck me as odd. I am more than my name, and very often I go with out ever hearing my name. People often call who are familiar to me, and so they don’t say who they are and don’t ask who I am. I am the person they want to talk to, and I guess I am that person. When I really think about the way it all feels…I am so much more than my nametag. Not in some grand way with a snap of my fingers and a flip of my hair. More like pure awareness on a good day and on other days just one successive sense feeling, after another. If I stop and listen to the sound of silence, then the person who answers to my name is not there. At that moment is pure awareness.

When was the last time you called yourself by your name? I bet that was only when you made an error that even you could not believe, so you did so, to ridicule yourself. This is not affectionate awareness of your self, and you are dividing the person who does with the person who is the self. Peace comes to those that sees the observer and the observed as one, more like the spaces between thoughts and feelings. That can increase by watching everything you do, say, hear, and think. Then you'll see it quickly followed by attraction or aversion, which will become the trigger for a feeling that is so far from peace. Just becoming more aware your body will then tell you to avoid those strong attachments, thus by passing your thinking mind.

It is not what you do, but what you stop doing that matters.
—Sri Nisaragadatta Maharaj

This is Not Mine

They say that people come into your life for a reason, and my friend staying at my house for two weeks allowed me to learn to share even more. I could have easily said, “Not now.” about this time to stay here when I have a lot going on, but also realized this would be a great learning experience. I could watch how close I hold what is supposedly mine so tightly. Wisdom comes to those who can put themselves in other’s shoes.

I"ll miss our conversations at night over dinner, prodding me to think even more carefully about what and who the hell I really am. In turn, I shared with him my experience and how one could bring a little more compassion into his practice. Totally different thinkers that could find a common desire to wake up to what life really is ...at this moment. It was interesting to see how he could detach from wanting any outcome, knowing that life happens whether we think we have control over our destiny or not. Just watching the mind. It was great to have someone in my house meditating morning and night even though I had a lot going on, with a torn up house while redoing floors. It was comical last weekend with us both sleeping in odd areas of the house in the midst of furniture. When it got stressful I tried to laugh. We still managed to go to temple to meditate quite a few times, even when fatigue from this brain injury seemed over whelming. I knew that going to temple provided much more mental peace than a nap gave me. I really hope I provided him a look into my life, a life so much different than his, yet on a similar path. He got to see how my love for my partner has matured my idea of love tremendously.


I also happened to meet a man who obviously needed to talk, distressed about his partner dying of AIDS whom he had separated from and moved away. I took him to temple to pray for his partner, and he meditated for the first time. The following day he texted me worried about the partner, I suggested call the local police…and sure enough he died that day…the day following the prayers for him. I talked to him saying it is common for people to die when people close to them are away. I guess it is their desire to die in peace when they feel like the other party is not ready for them to go.


Last Saturday, my guest asked me if I wanted to go to the Vedanta temple here when things fell apart with plans I had. It was easy to just stay with the moment and go, instead of staying home wanting things to be differently. In the middle of prayers I had to go move the car, and came back to someone in “my seat.” I just walked to another chair, instead of tapping them to “reclaim it.” Subtle shifts in the way I deal with life, chopping at the huge ego I am burdened with... that normally says, “That is mine!”