Having recently completed my 7th Vipassana, one
thing meditation taught me is to look at how I think. What patterns are typical when I am bored, or having doubt. Maybe
at times thinking happens to prove that you are alive as a sign of ongoing
insecurity. We want answers to all our questions, even when we have not formed
them. At best, I may be able to slow down thinking with awareness, when not
becoming attached to every thought that my whacked out mind throws out. Realizing that
I will never be able to solve every emotional puzzle I concoct. I know one
thing that I for sure that most of my anger is misdirected sadness. And as I
learn about my anger when it arises, dissolve it and with it some sadness joins
with its departure. Some anger results in body pain, or is an offshoot of
it. For me, it is not important to
figure out what comes first, but to examine how I think in the process of body
scanning. Sure, a couple of times I was scanning my arm for instance and it
would appear in front in my chest even though it was lying on my leg. Another time, I
was scanning my arm with such focus, that my lower body disappeared giving me
what the teacher said was a taste of impermanence. It never felt creepy, and
signaled a more insightful mind when having relaxed attention. 
My goal is not
to detach from reality. I do like to connect with other’s suffering to make me
more humble and if I develop a cool detachment(a la James Bond) it would be a
waste of my natural born compassion that I learned from my mother. While in a
rush around town I passed a burn victim begging for money, and I turned around
and ran back up the overpass to help when I found some money I thought I did not
have when I first passed. I could see in my head….here is the dividing line to
go forward in my selfish rush, or to return and help. I can’t possibly ask to
lose my anger, if I continue to be callously selfish in my ways. Sila(morality)
came forward as the best base to work from. Right Action will slowly become
natural when you connect with others recognizing yourself in them. I think it is important to note that my sadness since childhood that I could access easily has really dropped off without losing any of my compassion. A real evening out of my personality. This all comes from watching my anger, and if I can watch when off the cushion in every day life I will experience more peace. Of course, I am
not done and totally fixed, but I have real clear signs that this path is
productive in understanding myself. In my unique way with my own wisdom.
“If you don’t understand your own thinking, whatever you do think has little meaning. Without knowledge of your own biases and the impediments of biological or personal prejudice, without understanding your fears, your hurt, your anger, without the ability to see through and beyond them, all your thinking, all your relationships will be fogged or skewed. After all, self-knowledge is the basis for relationship.”
Krishnamurti , Jiddu (2010-07-29). J Krishnamurti Relationships To Oneself, To Others, To the World (Kindle Locations 71-74). Krishnamurti Foundation of America. Kindle Edition.
