Dreams of Letting Go

They say that some dreams for tell the future, but this one leads to believe that I have a good idea of where my progress in Dhamma will lead me. One night I dreamt that I sold my house and moved into a smaller apartment. So vivid and clear of the room and the place, and was not without some color, fun and views. And the best way to describe where I was in the dream it is location that seems like is a mish mash of Tibet style, Mexican, San Franciscan architecture. So in last night’s dream, me and several other sangha members(some with faces I recognize and some I do not) all came to a place to symbolically burn an item that represents our tie to the material world. Once burned we could move up to a higher level in an apartment building that was fashioned in my dream as kind of city like resting in terraces on hills, with spiritual seekers like Buddhists and others. A nice mix of colorful people old and young, working towards a common goal that was not too defined in my dream. It was a festive and light-hearted dream.

Tharlam Monastery, Boudha, Kathmandu, Nepal

I chose to burn a gold ring that is a “marriage band” that my partner and I have identical copies of. This was not to symbol any lessening of our bond, because deep down we know that nothing can symbolize what we carry in our hearts. It was more a concrete symbol of material wealth that we often think seems very permanent and unchanging. In the dream I was wondering how we can make the heat high enough in the fire to burn gold and platinum since this was happening within a building with others around. Others chose more flammable cloth, and papers, but you know me …I chose the most difficult kind of item to firmly make this transition stick in my mind. I know deep down that we really do not own anything, more like a life-time loan no matter how valuable it is to us.

During the dream there was no desires for it to be different, or feeling uncomfortable …it was I more of the curiosity and playfulness of those around me. The colors of my surroundings and the people in my dream were interesting and diverse. A few people were around me asking about how I will burn the ring? I said what you do is you imagine them casting the ring from the wax mold in beginning. Using my imagination while the ring is in the fire, it began to melt away like wax all the individual bands of gold and platinum to the surprise of those watching. Down to the main band, which shattered with the heat in two, then finally dissolved in ash.

All photos: Wonderlane

I rose from my knees from the fire, and was allowed up the elevator to the higher apartments. Arrived at a bigger one than in the previous nights dream. I saw another woman from my sangha smiling, leading me to a large window where she had taken the glass out, enabling us to comfortably lean out the window. We were kneeled down all along with several other people, laid cloth on the sill and peered below to view a whole choreographed number with Buddhist teachers and students that involved green cloths in both the robes and flags. It kind of was like spiritual procession full of lightness and was definitely not somber. This is the best overview I can pull out of it, and it just seems like the dreams were a symbol of some kind of spiritual progression for me. If not, at least it was fun.

On Dhamma

The best books ...
are those that tell you

what you know already.
— George Orwell

I see in the world

people with wealth

who, from delusion,

don't make a gift

of the treasure they've gained.

Greedy, the stash it away,

hoping for even more

sensual pleasures.

— Ven. Ratthapala

photo: http://kassapa.org/

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions

"So, for instance, if it's really wrong to lie, it must always be wrong to lie, and if you can find an exception, well then there is no such thing as moral truth."



"...one obvious fact, that you can love someone in the context of a truly delusional belief system. So, you can say like, "Because I knew my gay son was going to go to hell if he found a boyfriend, I chopped his head off. And that was the most compassionate thing I could do."
– Sam Harris

Say What?

If it is one thing ...it is another. I went to the Dr. for an MRI reading and hopefully a decision about surgery or not. After nearly one hour in the waiting room finishing my book, “MIndfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook, ” I was escorted to a room, where I sat in meditation posture waiting for the Dr. to arrive. More than 30 minutes later he rushes in and with his laptop say he can’t get my MRI up, seems like the website is down. Now if I knew this would be a problem I would have brought my copy. He does a quick overview, and decides to give me a shot of cortisone. A total of 4 minutes, after 1 1/2 hour wait. I said, if this all I needed why didn't the first Dr. do this? ....it looks like there was no reason to see you, and with a not happy face. I left, pissed off, drove home to get my copy of my MRI and drove back. I gave it to the nurse. I then went down to the first Dr I saw and asked why did I have to get an MRI at my cost, when the other did not care enough to have it in his hands when I walked in. His colleague had it downstairs, so it should not be a problem. I left, asking the first Dr. to call me and state why he had me get an MRI, if the other Dr, did not care(nor was consulted). I stated I could not afford this cost in advance. I left nearly two hours after my scheduled appointment and walked to my car.

On the way there I was lucky enough, to spin me out of my current mental state, to have a cute red toned cat come up to me like an old friend. He was so unlike most cats….he welcoming me to pet and caress him. I said this must be my partner. I later texted him to ask if that was he! I spent a good 10 minutes with this cat, that came to me. Then drove to get a bite, before a job. While waiting for a bagel, a 4 yr old boy walked up to me, out of all the people around, to ask if I saw his mother? I looked around for his description of his mother, as he was worried but too anxious, since he was busy pre-occupied with his toy. So, I said do you now where your car is? He pointed one way, but said she is probably in the bathroom. I said why don’t we wait and sit outside until she comes? I turned to get my bagel as it was ready and there she was, out of the blue even though I looked for her up and down…I leaned towards her and put my hand on her shoulder and said he’s fine….don’t worry. And she said, “Thanks."

On to my client’s house, arriving on time to find a with a note posted he was a little late. I walked to have coffee, and found a wallet on the stairs and upon talking it the customer service window, suggesting that they page the guy as he might be around. I finished my job with my client and went home and suddenly thought I thought I might never see the MRI disc again and drove to the Dr.’s office to get it. Now, three days later, I have not heard what is the final decision about the reading or an explanation of what to expect next. I have calls in to both Dr.’s.

All this points me towards the fundamental nature of all life, Buddha speaks of this as Dukkha. As long as I fight this, lying in bed trying to go sleep, with the heat of worn out muscles, and loose bones that is to be expected. I am no different than the ultimate reality of all life. It is time for more meditation, reflections to align myself with being awake, and put my self concern to bed. Learning from every experience good and bad. That's how I will really relax.

The Shifting Thoughts

photo: Bartek Kuzia

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....I knew I came here for something,

but I forgot.

Time shifting. A new concept.

The fake Bus Stop, a tool to help elderly people, often with dementia and alzheimer's, live in the present. They go and sit down with the intention of going somewhere until the thought passes. It beats locking them up, trying to force them to live in the now. Again, one more reason to start meditating while you can remember. Just watch your thoughts, they come and they go...and it up to you to believe them or not.

Set Yourself Up for Success

I hear the chainsaws buzzing...Looking out at the tree that sometimes blocks my city view and watching neighbors who are dealing with a different tree. We often think that as soon as we get this tree trimmed, a meal cooked or this health care bill passed...then we will then be happy. Sure these things need to be done, but we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction in the future laying so many definitions of what our happiness can be right now. If we can be happy while these things are not done or are in the process of being done we will double our ability to find happiness. Now, I know happiness may be a strong word so substitute contentment when it feels right.

Currently, I am sitting here while I write this with a torn bi-cep muscle, and lack of a really good sleep for a long time. A bit frustrated by all the Dr.’s I have seen in the past four years that never diagnosed this correctly. I even went to a hospital, and did tons of PT, and they never caught it. I have thought about writing one chiropractic Dr who treated me for 2 years charging me all that time. On his wall he a muscle chart. If he had a great knowledge of muscle physiology then at one point he would have figured out that his treatments were not working. The important thing is I did, popping another Ibuprofen. But that now..is in the past, and right now while I wait to see another shoulder orthopedic Dr. to find out how to proceed in surgery. Why they never sent me to him the first time around behooves me, but again, do I want to pin blame on being discontent at this moment on a past moment?…thinking that I will be happier. What done is done, money was spent.


Now, can I be happy at this moment? Certainly, if I put my wishes on the back burner, let go of the idea there is something or somebody keeping my happiness away. How to do this? Stop fixating on one single source of happiness, a ridiculous “one-brain-cell” view of life. I will go out and help others, send care packages to Thailand, maybe fix dinner for a friend and move on with a sense of ease about life. Yes, I can do that with pain. Why, you might ask? Because I know people are doing this all over this world right as we speak.

I often tell friends who first start out in yoga, “Set yourself up for success, get all the props you need to feel comfortable and when unable to do something…just rest in child’s pose and watch.” The most important thing you can learn is to be humble and turn off the comparing mind. Why pin your happiness to one thing, jumping to the next thing, once that is done? We are setting ourselves up for failure to be content at any given moment. It will start a chain reaction, if happy at this moment, and again happy at this next moment....we will be happy in the ever present moment. Creating our success.

A footnote, my partner who for years I had to hound him in getting his teeth cleaned, even taking him to the dentist and got him started on Dental care many years ago. He was the first in his family to have dental care, so it was out of his experience. This morning while talking he said he had them cleaned without me reminding him, to make me proud.

Unexpected Emotion

A friend rushed to a rendezvous at my house, before another friend's party we were both going to. I was going to drive, but he wanted to quickly donate money on my computer for the charity picked out by the host in lieu of gifts. He sat down in my chair, and started to cry unexpectedly. It was not like him, usually very busy and shuns spirituality, yet passionate and caring in his own way. Never shocked, I leaned down to hug him, and said, “What is this about?.. it’s ok to cry.” But he was already starting to shelve the emotion. I am lucky in this respect, my brain injury doesn’t allow me to keep it in anymore. The term for this is called emotional lability, a common after effect of my injury, my Neurologist friend says. I often debate, is it from the near death experience or the brain injury?

Anyway, my friend shrugged it off, as a by-product of seeing two long-term friends move away from the USA that he has known for over 20 years. And it went no further. I also observed later the transference of his emotion to annoyance with people and life in general on the drive over to the party. Something I know I do as well, as I am no saint. Yet, I felt sorry that he did not feel comfortable enough to cry in front of me. At the party it stuck with me, and upon returning I sat down to meditate. The first hour was very colorful, and settling…my body dissolved away.

The second hour, I picked up a small, carved stone heart my Mom gave me years ago on the table nearby…why I did? I have no idea, having never done that in the past. The weight of it felt good in my hands, and I continued to meditate letting whatever came up, to do so. Interestingly again, my body disappeared. I settled on wishing love, and my friend came up, along with my mother and the awareness I will have to say goodbye to her one day. I found that I accessed the same grief he had, and tears were flowing down my cheeks for long time. The stone heart felt very heavy, and I broke down silently so as not disturb my roommate. I leaned over sobbing, when finished, I relaxed again thinking about all the people I love and the role they play in my life. I wished my schizophrenic sister well, as she has divorced herself from me based on her own paranoia. I still always bring up the good times between us, trying not to grasp on what was…more awareness of the real love she does have, when she is well.


But I came back to settle on my roommate, who I feel is going through a hard time. This person doesn’t speak to me very often and is very fixed in views…but at the same time has been witness to my life, toil and turmoil. He has watched my transformation with more meditation, yet is never asking about it. The stone heart was warm in my hands, and I thought about the gesture of giving him this heart still warm from my hands, when he would go past me on the way out the door that evening. While still in meditation, sent good thoughts for him to walk up past me. I was thinking of just gesturing and not speaking and holding the heart out in my hand. Knowing him well enough that he would not see the point of me giving it to him or perhaps be embarrassed. I thought sometimes the simplest gesture makes the greatest impact. I was ready in my heart to give it to him... my heart was beating heavy and fast. I heard him walking upstairs to leave but my eyes were still closed… I guess he saw me sitting and closed the door and walked back down to leave out of a different door. I thought maybe this is not the time, and then you might ask why I never called him to make sure I did it? People need help when they are ready for it, and there is really nothing we can do to speed things up. The best I can do is be warm, happy and honest while carrying the right intention…remembering the wise monks I have met in my life that have inspired me by only their presence.