Today, a man stopped me and asked if he could read me a poem. Of course I said, yes since I have no reason to fear strangers. I had my good vibes shining, so it was easy to approach me. I did not ask why, and I gave him my attention. I had tons of things to do, but I took today to take care of myself. Restoration yoga and met a friend for tea, and a shoulder massage since I was in pain. Later, I bought some blueberries to make he nuns a fresh pie. Oh, yes and thanked him. So, here it is:
The New Poetry Handbook by Mark Strand
1 If a man understands a poem,
he shall have troubles.
2 If a man lives with a poem,
he shall die lonely.
3 If a man lives with two poems,
he shall be unfaithful to one.
4 If a man conceives of a poem,
he shall have one less child.
5 If a man conceives of two poems,
he shall have two children less.
6 If a man wears a crown on his head as he writes,
he shall be found out.
7 If a man wears no crown on his head as he writes,
he shall deceive no one but himself.
8 If a man gets angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by men.
9 If a man continues to be angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by women.
10 If a man publicly denounces poetry,
his shoes will fill with urine.
11 If a man gives up poetry for power,
he shall have lots of power.
12 If a man brags about his poems,
he shall be loved by fools.
13 If a man brags about his poems and loves fools,
he shall write no more.
14 If a man craves attention because of his poems,
he shall be like a jackass in moonlight.
15 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow,
he shall have a beautiful mistress.
16 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow overly,
he shall drive his mistress away.
17 If a man claims the poem of another,
his heart shall double in size.
18 If a man lets his poems go naked,
he shall fear death.
19 If a man fears death,
he shall be saved by his poems.
20 If a man does not fear death,
he may or may not be saved by his poems.
21 If a man finishes a poem,
he shall bathe in the blank wake of his passion
and be kissed by white paper.
05 March, 2011
I AM, and The Great Shake-Up
There’s a time in most everyone’s life where, through an injury like Tom Shadyac’s or mine will be just enough to shake all your ideas about life up until that moment. It will happen to you in one way or another, but how you will proceed after is up to you. I used to volunteer for post brain injury patients, and only a few of them in the first few months of healing will have that great shake-up bulb on. Most still had their blinders on, pushing me to tell them when will they get back to normal and that wore on me signaling time to move on. I would say in a perfect world you walk out of here in two weeks and drive home, but now is when you wake up to what is right here, right now. Few would start thanking nurses and family members for their help as a sign of comprehension. Now, I am not saying I really had anything to do with this, but sometimes patients would hear me talk (yes, I am still “injured”), and understand that their life too, might never be back to normal. Tom takes this as his jumping off point to ask those important questions in the film I AM. He realized that with his healing, that no man is an island.
28 February, 2011
The Fixing Mind- Enable it to let go.
Oh, thank you for a casual reminder to let go today and yesterday. Customized to me but then again how is one supposed to learn if you're not paying attention? Sorry, I am missing posts this past month with all that has been going this month, but I did up my meditation!
Saturday, I helped a friend choose interior colors for his space with unbelievably dark colors his designer picked. And he kept running to Tahoe to escape the cave the guy put him in...I told him that is why. I gave him 3 versions in each room, even painting them myself, and two more areas that, for me, had pretty particular solutions that narrowed it down more easily. We knew if I get involved we get the ball rolling, so that is why I jumped on doing it for him. On Friday, I had seen a friend at the gym, who asked me about kirtan with Jai Uttal, and told me about her desire to go, I remembered to find a kirtan on Friday evening and book it. I contacted most all friends, and no one wanted to go or had other plans…but I am fine going alone. On Saturday morning, I talked with my yoga teacher and he said he and his friend were going, as well. So, after a strong cup of chai I took off and met them both at the door. We sat down together in the front row and met two more people, We sat around and talked about teaching yoga to regular people with injuries, etc. I conveyed my interest in teaching, but with my voice it would be a problem. But I still think that my story and perseverance would help people when they first start and are awash in what they can’t do. It was so much fun, that I had a hard time sleeping that night with my heart full of vibrations.
Sunday, I started early with a meditation upright in bed, my body told me to chill, when I thought about the all the work I have to do after contractors where here. I started a small part of it, and then did homework, read, napped, taking off for puja with the Nuns. I walked into the Vahara, and one was meditating, so I happily and quietly joined her, and placed my glasses down.
Later, she quietly prostrated 3 times, and thinking we might do puja, I moved from meditation posture to puja (hero’s pose) forgetting my glasses and rolled over them.
We just continued meditating for an hour, and I fought the need to fix the glasses for the first ten minutes. It is what I wanted to meditate more than recite prayers, so it was my wishes answered. I did chuckle internally during meditation about the “fixing mind” which seems like it was tailored to me, growing up with an alcoholic father. I did let go and relax, and I was not tense. In meditation, I did ‘see’ a six year old girl in the room with a parent, not related to me, a vision… and even let her go. The vihara was formally someone's house. I happily drove to pick up my injured friend’s laundry to take home, after the vihara.
I did see someone today even though he pulled up his collar to avoid me seeing him… and let go of the need to say hello because he did not need it at the moment. Again, something I can't fix. As a sick friend said on Saturday… psychic! when I emailed him a spot on guess of what he needed to eat that day. A sign of showing love for himself. And yes, it was what he had.
Saturday, I helped a friend choose interior colors for his space with unbelievably dark colors his designer picked. And he kept running to Tahoe to escape the cave the guy put him in...I told him that is why. I gave him 3 versions in each room, even painting them myself, and two more areas that, for me, had pretty particular solutions that narrowed it down more easily. We knew if I get involved we get the ball rolling, so that is why I jumped on doing it for him. On Friday, I had seen a friend at the gym, who asked me about kirtan with Jai Uttal, and told me about her desire to go, I remembered to find a kirtan on Friday evening and book it. I contacted most all friends, and no one wanted to go or had other plans…but I am fine going alone. On Saturday morning, I talked with my yoga teacher and he said he and his friend were going, as well. So, after a strong cup of chai I took off and met them both at the door. We sat down together in the front row and met two more people, We sat around and talked about teaching yoga to regular people with injuries, etc. I conveyed my interest in teaching, but with my voice it would be a problem. But I still think that my story and perseverance would help people when they first start and are awash in what they can’t do. It was so much fun, that I had a hard time sleeping that night with my heart full of vibrations.
Sunday, I started early with a meditation upright in bed, my body told me to chill, when I thought about the all the work I have to do after contractors where here. I started a small part of it, and then did homework, read, napped, taking off for puja with the Nuns. I walked into the Vahara, and one was meditating, so I happily and quietly joined her, and placed my glasses down.
Later, she quietly prostrated 3 times, and thinking we might do puja, I moved from meditation posture to puja (hero’s pose) forgetting my glasses and rolled over them.
We just continued meditating for an hour, and I fought the need to fix the glasses for the first ten minutes. It is what I wanted to meditate more than recite prayers, so it was my wishes answered. I did chuckle internally during meditation about the “fixing mind” which seems like it was tailored to me, growing up with an alcoholic father. I did let go and relax, and I was not tense. In meditation, I did ‘see’ a six year old girl in the room with a parent, not related to me, a vision… and even let her go. The vihara was formally someone's house. I happily drove to pick up my injured friend’s laundry to take home, after the vihara.
I did see someone today even though he pulled up his collar to avoid me seeing him… and let go of the need to say hello because he did not need it at the moment. Again, something I can't fix. As a sick friend said on Saturday… psychic! when I emailed him a spot on guess of what he needed to eat that day. A sign of showing love for himself. And yes, it was what he had.
24 February, 2011
15 February, 2011
A Memorable Moment
Today, after class I quietly talked with the Professor. I said, "I can't take much more, the woman next to me, needs to be spoon-fed, won't follow any directions, and interrupts me constantly... Never saying please, calling me by the wrong name. I just can not get anything done or take this with my aphasia." Smiling, She said, "I marveled at your patience, how do you do it? I thought about telling her I am Buddhist, but in this instant it sounded haughty so I kept quiet. "This will be easy, I will move your seat. We always have one like her", the professor said winking.
Very few times in my life people have said I am patient. Besides this one time, the other times when they see how I am treated in public when I speak. Not always, of course...but sometimes it is quite obvious others don't listen. You can't change the world.. only yourself, and I have not snapped at her, only watched how I feel. Looking beyond the immediate moment to a future where I have to deal with this person or someone like her. At least my practice has some fruits bearing in everyday existence.
04 February, 2011
I Don't See ME
I will tell you something... for the past several years, I rarely look in the mirror, and I am not one to check myself out. It is because when I look into the mirror I don't see me, I see more of the body I inhabit, as strangely as it sounds. This gets me in weird circumstances with food or sun cream on my face, but that is more about my numbness caused by the accident...I can't feel it there, and since I don't check much ....there you have it. I do look people in their eyes, and make a point to connect, but I rarely look into my own eyes. When I "look at myself" it is much deeper than the surface, and in sort of emptiness that never includes me popping around. I spent the better part of my youth worrying about how I look, so I can keep it together almost as second nature, yet it is far less important. Most of the reasons I still do anything at all is not to look like I lost my mind when I lost some brain parts. On second thought maybe I should dress the part, then others might understand.
I found this, months after I wrote this:
28 January, 2011
Turning Over Frustration
It has been a full week for the brain-injured person, that I am. Watching my friend while waiting for surgery and then the following day after it, still in extreme pain was not fun. Now he's at home, and I tired to make easy for him as I could. I told him that I was proud of how he handled it all. I was running between school, gym, and work at home and my injured friend.So, I was happy to go for prayers and a sit with a nun on Tuesday night. I tried my best with the singing the prayers being exhausted, later settling down to sit for an hour. Silently, tears just flowed down my cheeks, while I started to label my feelings as sadness and frustration at not being able to help my friend, combined with trying to keep it together with my injury. By the time the meditation ended, the tears did, too and I felt much better. I would not say happier, but all the things I was holding inside ...vaporized. I came home read a nice "Sun" magazine story and slept.
I managed to stick it out in my JC class, and finally got a computer this week, as it thinned out. It is interesting and challenging being in a very diverse class of people. There at least three other languages spoken all at the same time between students. All this feedback and noise for me makes doing simple things twice as difficult. Plus the teacher his notes, her computer screen and ours, makes a multi-tasking free for all. I can actually see how my daily meditation in stressful situations like this one kept me from lashing out. I watched others that seem to have a hard time, and opened up the compassionate mind to put the “me” mind on the back burner. I found myself making sure whenever anyone helped me I said, “Thank you.” I tried hard to smile even when it took all my concentration just to keep up. One woman next on one side was very helpful, and on the other side matter of fact and very demanding. Normally I would make a scene, when she one who would chirp out demands right when I was middle of doing something. But when I finished one thing I said calmly to her, “I have severe brain injury, and it takes all I got to keep up! Please wait to ask me something, after I look towards you.” Saying it in jokingly manner, so she did not blink or register as agitation. Knowing that we really can't change anyone, and my irritation becomes really my problem rather than hers. That made the whole class seamless,leaving me up to date. When a nice speech therapist in class who fully understands my difficulties asked, "How did it go?" Smiling, I said, "I am handicapable!"
Working towards my idea that one's reincarnation is really about how other's remember you. And that as soon as you remove yourself( the me factor), and help others and engage politely, the day, even while being very difficult and exhausting…does not become stressful. I talked with several people before class, and one guy asked me about my injury in great detail. I usually express the experience with humor ending on wisdom, so most walk away not feeling pity and are mildly surprised. I want people to see the miracles that can happen dealing with change, that it is not always bad or dreadful. During class there friendly and humorous exchanges while we helped one another. Even our teacher relaxed and told a story about going “blank” in her evening class. In two weeks, from strangers.... we became “family.”
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