Accidental Awareness

Monday night I was talking with my partner, and he mentioned to me he wanted to go to law school. This came as a surprise since he just got through with his masters in Marketing and complained of being so tired, because he did so working a full time job Monday – Friday. My first reaction was shock and thinking that his new time off weekends threw him. I had to really think of what to say, and to make him think clearly about why this came up, supposedly from nowhere. I say nowhere, not as a reaction for not accepting any change, but more knowing he has never shown interest in law in the past. So, I backed off somewhat, telling him what to do and that if it makes him happy, go ahead. This still did not take the shock away from my awareness. Since this conversation happened at night, it left me trying to find peace with his new idea I went in search of some non-dual speakers. I think I was on Robert Wolf’s site and found Bentinho Massaro talks on YouTube and was pleasantly interested. After the fourth video I said this man is awake, and found myself up late at night. Listening to more the following days, while in conversation with my partner about his new idea, I was relaxing an outcome that would be acceptable to me. I kept telling my partner that I love him and to do what makes him happy when every time it came up. Meanwhile, I had found that Bentinho was here in town, coincidently and I saw him not just one evening, but also a whole day retreat. After hearing him speak and deal with people’s questions on Friday, I knew I had to see him on Saturday. I came home on Saturday after the all day retreat, evening and was so happy that it made it hard to go to sleep. Waking at 2am in a great mood and was chatting with my partner of 10 years who decided that he did not want to go back to school, now. In ending the conversation saying that I love him. His reply, “That’s amazing!”

Planting the Right Seed

Many times, we are in a situation and don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. Perhaps, it is because it doesn't go as planned. Maybe it is because we are not getting enough attention, and someone else is doing all the talking. We have a tendency to try every angle in our head while waiting for someone to give us a break. We think if we figure it all out, we will be at ease. “If they only knew!” Multi-tasking, when instead, we could just rest in awareness. Today, such a thing happened and so the mind drifted to what I need to get done, I smiled and watched the birds, near-by. Not to signal boredom, but if the conversation doesn’t include me, I can still listen, which one registers by looking in the person’s eyes while they speak. The unease comes from it not going as we planned it in our head, because everyone knows we have a lot to say. But no one else is in our head... besides us, and so we start to plant our seed of self-created suffering when instead we could have just enjoyed the company, the day and relax. Are we that important? If I excuse myself and leave will I feel better? Not really, and today I did just this, let them talk, and just settled back, relaxed, watching and feeding the birds. It changed all my expectations, so when I came home there was no need for meditation. Instead of doing what I had planned earlier, since I was late, I took it as a seed of life as it is, and calmly cooked the nuns a meal for tomorrow. At the same time made tea and food for a friend while he was busy making phone calls, another unplanned event.

Sunrise, Sunset?

We commonly say the sun sets and rises based on how it appears to us, and yet we know the earth rotates the sun. What else are we confused by? How many times have you argued with another person and days later you find out you are wrong? It takes a big person to apologize for your mistakes, especially when you think the other person forgot. I have had just two people in my life come back to me after the fact and apologize. When have you apologized for wrong appearances?

“To realize truth our whole being has to be brought to accord with actuality, with things as they are. Which requires that in communication with others we respect things as they are, by speaking the truth. Truthful speech establishes a correspondence between our own inner being and the real nature of phenomena, allowing wisdom to rise up and fathom their real nature. Thus much more than an ethical principle, devotion to truthful speech, is a matter of taking a stand on reality, rather than illusions. On the truth grasped by wisdom rather than the fantasies woven by desire.”
— Bhikkhu Bodhi

"I want everyone to be healthy"

The man naively said to me, when I asked how his wife is doing post back surgery. He said he was tired of having to bathe her. I guess he forgot his vows, and he was referring to his circle, and it was not a general wish for everyone. I said, "Right now, you are O.K., wouldn't you be pissed if someone said this about you? You know it is just a matter of time, aging hits eveyone of us." This same man complains of his kidney stones, yet won't drink enough water. I suggested aloe vera juice when he complained of reflux. It makes me think about what I do that contrasts my well-being. In fact just writing this seems trite, so I ask forgiveness.
Bicycling to the store the other day, moving quite fast, a woman turned right in front of me across the bike lane to back up in a driveway, she saw me and did not care. I braked hard, and the rear wheel lifted up, but no wreck, I was attentive. Anger rose up fast, but I said to myself ...this where the path is put in motion. Stop it, don't curse her, don't wish harm...she won't change for me. Release the anger, as I rode up to her at the light she got stopped by. The first victim of my anger is me, and as the light turned green rode on, with a smile.

we already have everything ...We Seek

My vipassana experience pulled my “I” apart from my body awareness. What this did for me is to enable me to drop the attachment to this old aging body. So, when I am tired or my shoulder hurts, it is not “I’m tired, or my shoulder hurts,” and more my body is affected, my awareness is not. I have the same awareness whether or not my body is hurt or tired. My choice now is not attach to anything as unstable as the body. It is not the same one I had 5 years ago, or even just yesterday.

Back when I had my near death, and subsequent hospitalization with brain injury, “I was a little foggy” and yet still had humor, anger and the whole range of emotions…I still was aware. I realized over the span of a year(yes, a slow learner!), that I had to drop any ideas of who I was in the past, the attachment to the “I” that existed before the injury. Sure, I could set unrealistic goals, but I was smart enough not to speak of them, so if I failed no one could call me on it. My core being was not damaged, only my brain…so if I walk funny or talk totally bizarre it is my body. I began to notice hopeful inquisitive people ask, “Where are you from?” If I laughed they would relax as well, as I would. If I tried to protect myself, my “I,” would only turn out badly or even pathetic. Laughter about who the hell "I" was, post my coma and journey to the next life(short-lived, but fun), only foretold the future to a better outcome. Don’t try so hard, everything we are... we learned, you did not have a hard drive filled with software ready to rock. Unlearn..that there is not anything out there that you don’t have inside of yourself.

From a Beautiful Heart... a Surprise

Well, I have just come down after this week’s surprise gift… having to nap two hours from exhaustion. I started the day with an hour meditation, took the nuns some food I made, and did yoga. Still felt very tired. I have been working on the house, while paying my property taxes, budgeting money ever so careful. Meanwhile, my partner has been asking when am I coming and have I booked the tickets yet? I have been looking, but have not enough money this month. So, on Tuesday a friend emailed me and said he would like to give me an early birthday gift, a free 3 month ticket to Thailand. My jaw dropped, and being mindful as I sat in meditation that morning... going, this is excitement! I felt the blood rushing, and my eyes fluttering. With all my flaws and critical mind, I have been lucky to have a few good people come into my life. And stay. From the moment I met him, he has shown me he has a great heart. I had helped my friend in the past settle in another country with his partner when the U.S. was not willing. I guess I should not be surprised... just be very thankful!

The Path Light

The other day, a friend came by for tea. Excitedly, he told me about having three tickets to possibly win a multi-million dollar house. He went in with two other friends, only spending $225(his share) for the chance.
I said, “This might point to you to why I am on this spiritual path... You have two houses, a good job with a flexible schedule, full retirement, and money in the bank and you think that winning this house will make you happy?” He replied, ‘And, your point?”
That happiness does not lie outside of yourself.
It doesn’t mean I have fully given this all up, just bringing more awareness to every decision I make. Also, I’m not trying to be a killjoy, but he has asked in the past why bother and said I should just enjoy life. My difficult circumstances brought this to me and it is not a hobby or to fill time.