01 June, 2008

Dreams and Worries, Lucky Mak Mak

I have been trying as much as possible to get out of myself. You know the worry, the self-obsessed concern for ourselves? I spent Saturday doing things for others, going to lunch with my partner at one of his favorite places, buying him a better made shoulder bag for school knowing his last one fell apart in a year. While out and about we discussed his yearning for graduate school after he completes his bachelor’s degree at the end of this year. It was great to see him so enthusiastic, regardless of how hard these past two years have been with his crazy work schedule. Later in the day we in a joking mood and it carried for the afternoon during which I had some coffee while he had a shake. We returned to our place and knowing he was spent for the day, I left him to sleep and took off to shoot at night in Chinatown alone. I spent at least 5 hours shooting and walking, as it is hard to compose and focus when so much is interesting. If I can get 3 or 4 good photographs I feel accomplished. Towards the end of my shooting, I came upon a late night street sellers and food vendors, and found a great hand painted mug for my Buddhist teacher. Several times people would either shoe me away, or be curious and come watch me set-up and watch me shoot or offer to be in the shot. When I was feeling like my coffee from earlier was all spent, I grabbed a taxi back, to my awakened, smiling partner making sure I was ok.

That night I dreamt about an old friend who had come back to me after drinking poison in France to end his life to stay with me at my house, a true story. He has long since passed away, and it became more obvious why he came back to stay with me. In my dreams I looked at his life and loves, his parents never really loved him and nor his lovers . He was still bleeding out of mouth from the poison wounds when I saw him, and that I had to buy pillow covers special for his stay. His return was to the only love he once had, when we were together 10 years earlier even though he ended it abruptly back then. Now I realize you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves, and feel very fortunate to be with someone now who does with an eye on the future.

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