Here, I am NOT

I fell asleep in the afternoon, waking when my partner knocked at the door with dinner in hand, although he has keys. My dreams were crazy and I was disoriented( no pun, intended), working hard at trying to figure where I am. I was moving to open the door but the dreams had not quite subsided. The mind said you are awake now, but my subconscious was deeply attached to the dreams. The body was still asleep on the bed. It was not like waking after my coma, which is more like a fade-in. It just felt like I needed cold water splashed on my face. 

When the body settled in from the jet lag, I felt the distinct feeling that I never left when walking around. A whole lot has happened in the time I was away that helped to drop the torment I placed UPon myself. I capped “up” because it is felt as concrete mental doing that I unraveled some. When my partner quizzed me about why I looked younger this time. Even though I eat well, with green shakes in the morning, I replied, it is primarily meditation and yoga that facilitated a little bit more of letting go. This is turn, gives way to a bigger smile, and an overall relaxation in the body. Who knew a willingness to die could be so delightful? I look forward to my ten day Vipassana here so he can see the effects first hand upon returning and mind settling. We made shake and tapping our glasses together, saluting to our health.

The first day out, I was out in a store when two young men and I both approached a check out counter, and they stepped aside, to let me go ahead in line. I smiled and motioned go ahead, thinking that the kindness needs to rewarded on the spot. I am nothing. This Thai etiquette has a long history taught by parents to their children, that elders go first, in more ways than one. We have less time left.

Close and Yet So Far Away

I have been accompanying my friend while he shows another out-of-towner our city and area. In an effort to show the best, I have been on the lookout for the atmosphere that drew me here. What a great way to look through someone else’s eyes at the beauty we often take for granted. Helping to slow down time much like meditation does. With this, it puts aside the small inconveniences that seem to bother us and take the forefront in life. Finding Darshan Ambient’s music to listen to on long walks that I have done, because I have to do them while I can. I am well aware of how time flies, and the eventuality of our aging. Time is now, right at this very moment to be happy against all odds. Besides, why take the bus when you have good music?

The photo on the bottom does convey well how I have been feeling lately, I am riding the low valleys of life's cycles. But since I take no drugs, this to me is a natural state only to be followed be sunny peaks. Luckily, I have friends around me so I don't have time to be worried about this at all. One trip to volunteer on Monday at the hospital puts life in the proper perspective.

Conehead Not

I waste time, on occasions trying to think of what to write here. Oops, here it comes...coffee just kicked in! I do feel that we often put on the dunce cap when it comes to understanding others. It is very difficult to put yourself in someone’s shoes. We want to fix it fast and get rid of the problem, even when our way is not the best way for others. It is very hard to assemble someone else’s life experience in our mind and then come up with a good understanding of their reaction to similar circumstances. So I waste time, and not have empathy. But I still cannot just shut up and let it roll, and let unfold their lives as they see fit. Do we often want to fix others to avoid work on ourselves? I am having fun thinking about life, and my decisions. Happy with the work I do, and the disability that has brought me down to earth. I met an actor over dinner who assumed I am not from here with my funky speech. It allowed us a jumping point to an interesting conversation, because I was not offended by his remark. So in some ways, I have relaxed, in other ways I would like someone to kick me in the ass and say go for it. Do the radical move I want to do. You never fail in making a decision, only fail in not making them.