That Certain Pull

Every once in awhile, even among difficult days or meditations, I will have the profound realization that this path is really bringing peace to my life and the importance of it. It is not like I become more zealous, but I do let more and more things go that are not helping me continue on the path. The natural ones are part of the 5 precepts, but also silly TV that would keep me from meditating. So the TV is gone, last year….and I am less tempted to rent films to watch since with it went the DVD player. I am not finding it more boring, instead like an easy way to lead me to the cushion on regular basis. Sure, I still go see a few great films, and I am less likely to see an ok film just to pass time with friends. And with this 100 days of mindfulness, I am trying very hard to watch amy negative speech and with others that engage, I don’t join them ...instead be quiet or change to something more positive.

So yesterday, after a great day I went to my neighborhood sit with a “happy mind” yet found my body to be uncooperative, nagging at me…maybe since I walked there. Never-the-less, I found humor in my expectations to have a “happy sit.” I did not beat myself up over even going, nor keep adjusting my posture….I just watched how this ‘new mood” flowed into me without a formal invitation!

A Little Luang Prabang From My Partner

My partner, hates to travel without me, but still took a break last month in Laos. Some interesting shots from his eye.












Som Tum Salad, my partner's favorite.

A Challenge...

One of my three Sangha’s came up with a better idea than my silent thing. Starting tonight a 100 day retreat: Mindfulness in daily life. This is great because it coincides with the Nuns in silent retreat ending in March. Keeping the Five precepts at heart while trying to meditate daily or have at least 5 “quickies’ where you come into your body to examine how you are feeling, scanning your heart and mind. Trying as best as you can to use the Eight-fold path to end suffering almost as it surfaces in daily life. I will be curious to read on the Facebook page how different people write their experiences or suggestions. Just inaugurating this 100 day retreat tonight spurs me on to be a more mindful person in more ways than I am now. We are supposed to at collect ourselves at noon everyday sending loving kindness to all others involved, and use the power of this knowledge to continue on. Tonight the teacher said we should post the precepts on our Fridge. But, I have been taking them almost weekly for the past year with the Nuns. This has helped me to look carefully why I even have a glass of wine at dinner occasionally, nearly ending wine and beer consumption knowing that I am really happy without. Consequently, last year I can count the times I had wine or beer(I don’t drink hard alcohol) on two hands. More importantly I am actually happier than ever before and meditating almost daily now for three years. Is there room for improvement, you ask? Of course.

Meanwhile, I heard from a friend that Blood Foundation is inaugurating the first Muslim For a Month program in february with the success of Monk for a month. I wish I could go just for the experience.

Silence Falls Underwater

My silent idea fell apart when I got sick last week. My roommate was kind enough to give some OTC drugs to help that he had, and I felt very selfish not talking right then. I had to write it instead. Then I took the antibiotics that the Dr. gave me last Thursday night, and by Friday I had no appetite they were that strong. On Saturday, I was so delirious, made some food and took one pill and then had waves of nausea so strong I thought this is the end. I lay in bed yawning and feeling poisoned, and suddenly felt compassion for all the chemotherapy patients. If this is what they have to deal with, it is bold statement about the desire for life. By the evening, I figured out that most of my symptoms were caused by the drug rather than my winter lung infection, so I stopped the drug.

This morning a friend woke me, who just happened to be shopping to ask me if I need anything. Again my silence idea fell apart when he came by with food and some dark chocolate and saved the day. The soup he brought energized me, and we talked for two hours. It quickly became obvious that I need others and the importance of connection. I thought about my silent idea, and felt compassion for the deaf assistant at my gym. He can’t hear or speak much, and we often say hello by recognition and a thumbs up signal. I have brought him his favorite drink when he is busy working on the fitness machines, because I am observant enough. I try to interact with the staff that most ignore. Right now as I lay in bed trying to get better, know this human journey for me is probably not silent just more mindful. I do have the heart felt desire to cut down on my negative speech in whatever forms it takes.

Thanks to Jason DeCaires Taylor, who's brilliant work is shown here.

Firsts in 2010

Some firsts in 2010 that I’m grateful for:

Trying Kirtan with Jai Uttal even with a speech disability. Leading me to watch Manose on flute play for his mother…touching.

Offering my home to a stranger….and watching Meditation transform someone else.

Meditating with Nuns, celebrating female wisdom.

Yoga with “Ms. Happy Toes” Rachel, with super positive vibes and who taught us while pregnant …always ends the class with a chant. When was last time someone sang for you?

Having a new injury to remind me that my time nears, urging me to more compassionate and showing me the indispensable power of the Dhamma, yet again.

Watching a transformation in a monastic of letting go …allowing the clear light of wisdom shine through.

Offloading on Monastics

A woman stood up in the Sangha, unveiling a nightmare of family problems afraid of where it leaves her mind state in an upcoming retreat. Like a car wreck, you can’t help but listen and look but also feeling compassion for her because you know how she is feeling. She can’t possibly go into enough detail to get any kind of resolution. The teacher spoke of watching your mind, her aversion and the hurt while in mediation which seemed like a good reply, because it not about others but yourself and how you handle difficulties. Everyone has some difficult hurdles in life, and it all ends with our death.

I have told teachers and monastic’s details of my life, in casual conversation to help them understand why I say my sister’s name about whom to chant for during prayers. I spoke of her paranoia and schizophrenia that took her away from the family. She loves her delusions. I don’t really expect any monastic or teachers to solve my problems. I do see many a person, having never come for prayers or a Dhamma talk, offload on them, treat them like free therapy. They have given up a lot in the pursuit of wisdom, no drinking, no eating whatever and whenever you want and wearing the same robe. They suffer and probably still do…they are human beings stuck in Samsara. A fair bit of compassion should be held, by us lay folks. Maybe even respect, like make an appointment so they are prepared. When it asked for and the timing feels right, by all means discuss things that getting in the way of your spiritual progress. To give them a logical way to approach your problems, in the framework of the Sangha, their experience and your own growth. I am by no means saying to suck it up, but everything in life has its time and place. Sometimes, you will see a monastic saying nothing as you cry, from their wisdom seat they know nothing they say can be said to make you feel better…don’t be surprised.

Month of Silence in January

I was sleeping and settled into one of my complex, but fun dreams when I awoke a kicking sound on my house. I heard some giggling and talking, and rolled over to go back to sleep. Once I am awakened by something out of the ordinary it is usually hard to go back to sleep, as the mind goes towards the sound. I lay down with my hand on my heart and my belly to try to ignore it, but I can't. Looking out of my bedroom window, I realize that three dot-com kids were drinking and smoking, but not really raising hell, is a flashback to my club days. I am them. I think how best to make them aware that the casual kicking of my wall while they talk, magnifies like a drum in my bedroom. I can no longer be the hilarious joker I was in the past with my speech problem, but I really want to go outside and say, “Ahh, While dreams of sugarplums dance in my head!” I want them to know, but in a lighthearted way. So I go outside, with a smile say, “Yes? It is all good, but the kicking woke me up."

I can tell by the way the reacted that it did not piss them off and they quietly walked back down to their house below. I really did not care if they stayed, but that is the way it played out. I ended up reading an hour more in bed to quiet the mind, which quite frankly would have been the time they would have tired of being there in the cold. Was it all really necessary?

Which brings me to the desire for wisdom and peace, and much of it has to do with what goes on in my head. I know from having a sarcastic Father, and a hard upbringing that his difficulties brought on his quick and biting humor. But I really no longer have to instigate negative speech to interact with people, and of course I do it at least half as much as I did years ago. I said in an earlier post that I figure that I should go silent in day-to-day life for a month, exist with a pad and pen while out, emails and text…my life allows this. I know that I am too lazy to write anything that is not absolutely necessary for communication. I have had previous experience coming from non-speech to my present state with my injury. What has lately come to mind is the fact that I worked hard to get some of my speech back, only to use on occasion negative speech …when I am in fact happy and have a pretty good life. I try to be the light when I go the gym and do errands, but my brain injury is such that just talking is terribly difficult, so I often frown when it gets complex beyond a few words. Most of the time it is the mechanics of speech, and my desire to pick simpler words to speak for the listener. When I encounter people in stores or cafes too busy to pay attention I try to make it easier on them and thus, me ...by either waiting until I am alone with them(letting others go ahead) so they can pay attention to me talking. When they don’t or can’t it actually aggravates me when I am trying to communicate, and so my peace quickly flies out the door.

So being silent can work on two areas of wisdom at once. One being watching everything you want to say, and where the feeling comes from, and two hopefully easing some difficult times for me in interactions. What I say in most all cases is not really necessary for survival. It will be interesting to see friends and not talk. Some won’t be able to handle it and it will only be those who talk too much already.

So the month of January I will try as much as possible not to speak, except Pali prayers at temple, and will write about this. I will wear my Silence proverb t-shirt at the gym(in the hopes to inspire others), and I have told a few people my desire not to speak, so this is not yet another freaky new thing I am doing.