Do We Always Have to Sell Ourselves to Others?

I was talking to a stranger in a coffee shop, lately and came to the realization I was trying to sell myself…early in the conversation. Trying to get him to find something interesting enough in me, to continue talking. This was not a beauty contest nor was he a love interest that would spin this into a whole separate problem. I just wanted to give him a teaser as to the man behind the fucked up voice. At least the fact that he was a Vipassana meditator made it a whole lot easier. I was thinking while talking to him, that what we all really need is to shut up and feel each other’s intent coming from our heart. Our heart will tell us where to go with this anyway. Let’s all let the silence not disarm us but instead inform us as to the full capabilities of the mind/body spirit.  Perhaps a satisfaction beyond what anything most of us has experienced in the past. You can recall a child before he was told what everything, and fed with tons of fears would get a glow of intense curiosity just seeing a new person. 

Most of us walk into every situation with a face forward, one-dimensional approach throwing away ¾ of the feedback our mind/body is able to perceive all around us.  With check-list of everything we require at the moment, which is so specially targeted to our moods and past disappointments in life. This sets up a high potential to fail instantaneously if any expression or word is not to our liking. It is desire that screws everything up, first and foremost.

That will mean that we almost have to shut-up or least I think I should more often. You are your own master. Maybe that alone will naturally let compassion flow easier once we open all avenues for feedback that we are capable of. Truly, get to understand the world and our connection with others.

Beauty Found in Observing

I will sit again in a ten-day Vipassana soon, and often people ask me what is my goal, “This time?” The people that ask this are not meditators, so I often don’t know how to answer in a way they can understand. I really enjoy not doing, and the relaxation of all that tempts you to not to be quiet.

Just observe my photos for a few seconds.

What do they first trigger in your brain before a story hits…a feeling? …a memory? ...a desire, perhaps? These photos only represent to you, what you deem is important. Then come up with a guess about the story around each one, if you like. You are your own master. You know the first thing that comes up as a feeling will probably determine the story.

Just like when I meditate I observe any feeling, thought or image while my body can give feedback as to the value I place on each, at that time. The brain/body connection can its work their magic when I either present a relaxation or tightening around each. I don’t have to do anything but observe, 

like you are doing now(double-click to enlarge).

Wisdom, Caught Me Blaming

A Galle Sweep

When I wrote Trusting Again ...to Resolve Old Issues, I wove my father’s influence into the story, when in fact the whole experience had nothing to do with the past. It may have made it interesting, but it was made up as far as his influence, but not what occurred. He never came up, and although I learned some of my reactions from him this was about as far removed from anything he said or did. Instead of just living things as they are, and learning from them… I deflected. Of course, one of the precepts addressing false speech combined with my natural wisdom, it began to feel like I need to address this before moving on. Blaming others, will never produce the wisdom I so desire, so this was announcing its ignorance in a kind of achy way. Ironically, that is when I came upon a great Dalai Lama quote, “When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” Perhaps, I was ready to listen. 

Siddharta
shows me his Yoga moves

 Hopefully, I can now proceed with the wisdom that everything that I encounter and thus experience is my own doing. In the case of that Tuk-Tuk driver, I ignored early signs that he was not truthful hoping for a local connection while there that could help me with my decision to buy or not. He did serve a purpose to steer me away from buying there and for this I am grateful, but it certainly was not his intention. As we travel through life regardless of how many family members and friends we have we are really solo... and at times it can be more pronounced. So, I ought to use that time to really feel things out and let the wisdom naturally come to the surface. Any sadness I had about the outcome was first built around pity for him and then feeling alone again with my decision. This probably led me to blame. Still running for that wisdom bus.

Bambi Bus

What Ever Happens — Make Your Soul Smile

Trusting Again... to Resolve Old Issues

I took upon myself to try to help a poor Sri Lankan man, living in a shack on his parents property. I was warned by other Sri Lankan friends in the hills, and by a monk in Matara, ten years ago that 20-25% of people in the south are bad. So, I had clues that it may turn out bad, by his previous small lies, but I figured I would put a limit and watch out. Cautiously stupid...to put it jokingly. To give him a chance to redeem himself, knowing that I would have spent the same amount on myself anyway in travel. I figured he would use it on his Trishaw loan anyway, regardless of what he told me, and I was aware of how much gas costs, and his low profit margin especially now when it was low season. His loan stills needs to be paid, and it is not like it was going in the wrong places...like drinking. It could be considered a tip, by me anyway, because I used him for three weeks. I won't go into details about what tipped me off about the driver, but several occasions quickly confirmed and I cut off all contact with him. I even have him a chance to redeem himself when I outlined why early on.

Feeling Guilty because women do all the offerings, a Driver 
posed in this picture( not the one of the story)

Now, you would say why would involve yourself in drama? In a total reflective mindset, I think it came actually from childhood wanting approval from my alcoholic, depressed father. The trishaw driver and my father are not alike, but deep down I take these things on to make a difference...in someone's else's life. The driver has called, and texted many times over the last week, but I will not talk to him again, afraid of more lies. I gave him too many chances, but each time the real truth never appeared. And I hate playing this role, making it painful to see his texts. In comparison, I tried, but guess I really never forgave my father, because he never apologized for the hell he put us through as children with no way out. On a positive note, his life ended within one week of visiting me, many years ago, and we had resolved things enough to end well. I can still see him walking and talking after a dinner we shared, and he had some clue it may be his last with me by our last conversation and the way he carried himself.

I was trying to treat this whole situation like it was new, but there were tastes of it that smacked of unresolved issues. And always the clincher... expectations. Ironically, the first sign of lying was he started to call me "father," which sounded so insincere since his father was still alive. It could be from doing this trip alone, I wanted to make this feel less selfish. At least I can say that it was interesting and thus helped me prevent further loss. It enabled me to meet other people in this small town that did tell me the truth of land scams and various other incidences like how the hotel owner fooled a Thai businessman to get his beach property. It was a small price, yet painful, to pay for good information, and perhaps further unraveling of my past that I once thought was settled.

Paradise Unravelling

Residing in a cheap, no A/C, no hot water, older room in a up and coming hotel in the off season, in an almost remote setting.....puts a strange twist on your grip of reality. And staying put, more or less shelving the camera because it gets in the way of truth I begin to see life as really exists here in Sri Lanka. Surely, there is a part of me that wants to see and experience new, new, new in an attempt to obscure the reality of my up coming death. On the other hand, I will swim in dangerous surf every morning with no one around to rescue me, today walking by locals saying, "Be careful," while walking away from the beach. Half hoping that now is time for a tsunami wave, or one good shark bite ...because now is just as good any other once you have seen the suffering of others in life. It just doesn't get better when you are an emotional connected person. I don't easy disconnect with people.

Today, my room door had a small knock, and I opened it to friendly young man that works in the hotel to come ask if there is any way for him to get work in USA, because he is oldest and needs to provide for the family, and 10,000 rupees a month doesn't cut it. Plus he is worked to core and has to live on the premises, even though his village is less than 40 minutes away. It reminds me of working at a high end ski lodge when I was 20, knowing I would never be able to afford to stay were I worked, helping to maintain a healthy dose of seething anger. He was not asking for handout, he just wants to be able to work and earn enough. Later in the week, I'm invited to his home, but I have feeling that once I see the fact it still has no roof yet, it will be etched in my mind. I really have a great memory and it's the only thing not really fazed by my brain injury, so I won't forget it.



Behind the smiles here in Sri Lanka, there is like almost everywhere in the globe great division between the haves and have nots. Only here the corruption, double crosses( fooling people to invest in property, fake the documents with a lawyer, just so that they legally take it back) , and overcharges are rampant. So soon many people have put aside Buddhist precepts to get something little or something big.

This afternoon I took prints of photos I took of the women who make limeade with unfiltered tank(man made mini reservoir water). We (my Trishaw driver and I) gave them one to the daughter of a woman who makes limeade, and were suddenly asked( because I don't wear rings) if she could marry me and come to US. Thank the quick tongue work of my driver, saying I am an ex-monk to throw her off. Later when a elder monk stopped us to get Dana for his temple which was fine and it was only 100 rs. it was a welcome change.

A brief glimpse of radiance, happened when I got my haircut on this new year holiday, and I wasn't up charged 10 fold like they normally do, because he was an older barber with morals intact. And when I went to a village family for Kola kanda herbal porridge, when asked how much for two glasses, she said, "Up to you." Just reflect on the setting of a family of 5 in two room house, with not much else but love and smiles to share, reminds me I have to download their photos and take to them before I leave. Which shows the other side of the coin of my existence still not quite ready to throw in the towel.

Sri Lanka Photos of Fire

Buddha Contemplating Stages of the Body

A Fiery Sri Lankan Sunset