Sometimes it's good to give up the driver's seat

I understand his point, but my best recovery was done when I chose to be the “decider.” Now, maybe it is all a delusion, that once I chose to survive, the outcome was a natural progression with my new found mental state. When, on occasion, people say to me they could not have one what I did, I say but you would do the same. I think they under-estimate the will to survive, and that giving up leaves nothing to be desired (only but a few realized Buddhas have let go of desire), and is a let-down for those around you who spend long and difficult days praying for you to live. 
So, is there really a choice at all?

No One Asked for My Opinion

I felt it is about time to apologize... to everyone I have thrown my opinion out at warp speed, never giving him or her the chance to duck. I caught myself, early today with someone, and it was never burped up.....the miracle of consciousness.  This provided the almost instant feedback of making the other person happier, because I approached the day with joy with the idea of spreading joy instead of smearing them with one of my opinions ( cleverly disguised negativity, NOT ). I took it further all day, to set aside my happiness for others all day…the self took a back seat, if it just a bit at first. This will take vigilance to be aware and continue. This was born out of years of meditation...a hint of the wisdom that lies dormant inside of us. The feedback with strangers was pleasant and connected, they felt my intention...yup, I am a slow learner. Far more strangers engaged with me...Bingo! I had the key, but misplaced it for so many years.

My apology, based on how novice monks/nuns atone to Bhikkhu/Bhukkhuni’s:

All harmful acts, words and thoughts, ever committed by me since of old…on account of beginning-less greed, anger and ignorance… born of my body, speech and mind… Now, I atone for them all.

"wisdom grows" Wat Pak Nam

We all born into this life, and move towards happiness in our own way based on what we have been exposed to and karma. My path is NEVER anyone else’s way and to top it off, they never asked me. I will try better, and will keep the fact in mind that if I want more joy in life, then it starts right here.

Pointing Upward

In my home-office in an older 30’s building in classic Spanish style. It has open stairs to the roof, totally open to the sky with pillars about 8 ft high all around to shade some of the sun. In one corner of this roof deck shoots a Moorish minerat.

The building is white-washed, fading and peeling in the hot sun. I was online doing a search, and scrolled past a real estate agents’ photo who I had talked to the night before. She curiously left her camera on, so her photo was still live on this particular site. She was angry with client who she was talking to. I scrolled back to see her, kind of shocked at her behavior and how funny this looked on a web page. She noticed midway through that she was broadcasting this, or perhaps she saw me on my camera and leaned forward and clicked it off. In the background and out of open staircase to the roof, I heard a man, saying out loud, “I will see if I can destroy this thing!” with a Czech accent. I can hear a guy beating away at my building with his hand, when he decides to ram it with his body. Guessing it was the minerat, I ran up the stairs to the roof.  On the way up, I decide that no matter how threatening he is and how mad I am, that I will be kind in my approach.

I get to the roof, and say with a curiously sweet face, “Now, why would like to destroy my old building, exactly?” I walk casually towards him and put out my hand. He is already confused by my reaction and stops banging, and I walk closer even though I see he is carrying a gun with his nice cameras. He softens enough that upon touching his hand, all stream has blown out of his idea. I say, put your hand on my chest to know I am a breathing human being just like you. He reaches out, and I have already touched his shoulder. Although bigger than I am, he is blond and slightly sweating and feels warm to touch. I defused the whole situation by not meeting his anger with anger. He did not really know it was my building. I get a close look at his gun and nice cameras, and compliment him on his good taste in cameras, as I walk him across the roof and down towards my steps off the roof. But then I notice, all these framed photos I took years ago, laid out on the roof deck, like a gallery display. I say, this is curious in my head, while moving a few aside, not to step on them. I look at the man with a slightly surprised face, and can see he can provide no answers, either.

I am beginning to put it all together, that I am dead and my old photos I have taken over the years have been laid out by my family or my partner.  With a warm feeling and no panic, it is was done for me, and then I roll over and wake up from my morning dream. I usually fall asleep after my pre-dawn hour meditation, and I must be working out some part of my unconscious with a little flare.


A little aside, if I die or any else close to you dies in your presence — tap three times firmly on the third eye(between the eye brow) to help mine or their spirit leave their body, instead of lingering around. 

"Radhe Radhe" Signals Peace

When I noticed myself spinning in agitation, I got back on the cushion 2 hours a day. One hour before dawn, and one after early dinner. In talking to my partner, he told me not to ordain again. I can be a lay in white with 8 precepts, but as his partner he feels that we will never stop thinking about one another and being a monk is a move away from us. It was nice to hear why he was so firm about this, "I am still waiting to marry you." He has brought me much more joy and wisdom, and no heartache. The miracle spoke.

In Silence, Do We Really Exist?

After about 4 days in a silent retreat with 10-11 hours of meditation per day the mind really does not stop thinking, it just gets a little less interesting to involve yourself in your many thoughts.  If you are lucky to develop the body-mind to realize that the bad feelings and anger don’t feel so good, you stop going there. Not that you can really control what you spin on, but that is what we work on. Then, in time, everything that composes your “real” life slowly becomes foggy and less substantial. You have no net, phone, or speech and immersed in silence and darkness of the cells or even a quiet hall of other long-term meditators with eyes closed…..what confirms your existence? There is, of course, no eye contact in breaks, and everyone there knows nothing of your life or of you. It is not really disturbing, and it is actually sublime living without all connections to your past. It is all stories anyway, and when we die those particulars of your life disappear with you. No matter how close people are to you they will never be able together all the pieces that are your life and idiosyncrasies, no matter how significant they feel at this time. And what does it mean? Why should we put so much importance on the small stuff or even the hard stuff we encounter in life? No one else does it for us. When I talked to Jac O’Keeffe in April, she told me what I went through has no significance at all and to drop it. “It was your body, and not you that it happened to, anyway.” It may sound callous, but it was said with clarity and love.

By day 7, everything I hold dear, like my partner(sorry, Tee Rak) and my family become only ideas that I can pull up and experience solely based on feelings or perceived needs. They seem to be like the same feelings one tries to let go of. Ah, which to keep and discard? The juggling act we think we can do so well. This judgmental mind has often lead us astray. So, I would try to feel them to feel like I exist. It was never done in a panic because existence is always really foggy, only while in silence it is more pronounced absence of ties to what we think is reality. My mind had let go of the stranglehold I had on people and things while meditating, but then my dreams at night spoke of the fears of non-existence. I would try to solve things and conjure importance for being. A few dreams I would wake up with I thought was an epiphany as a clear idea of how to solve my problems or others. Fat chance, as they were usually based out of the ego, that was struggling to exist in the face of close observation of it's weak soapbox. There is no reason why we are here, so perhaps I made this all up to prove I do exist. 

Oh, What a Feeling!

In observation, I find myself directing thoughts to get a feeling. Subtly, it may be done to establish the fact I am alive, because without a feeling we are living unaffected. Living in awareness and not in experience can feel like a withdrawal, but only when you hooked on feelings. We don’t realize it when we will create an averse reaction to something in the world just to sample a bad feeling and then quickly jump to solving a problem, grabbing some food, or if we are lucky a run in the park. I look at my old habits of trying to fix, straighten or get something completed just for a good feeling. It leaves one running from thought to thought without realizing it is never all done. Thoughts give birth to more thoughts. Self-created anxiety for me was most likely developed as a kid in the chaos of alcoholism in my family. I do find most people are hooked on a feeling, regardless of the cause, hence why obesity and alcoholism is so prevalent. It is really not the food or the drink, but the feeling they desire. And when one knows deep down that to feel good can’t be found in things outside your self, they are much likely to spiral into depression, as bad feelings have so much more of a long lasting kick. Good feelings need to have bigger and grander objects of source to get overcome the bad feelings. Bad feelings can be a simple as “Not knowing” what is next in life. I often reflect on what has come so far, and it is not over yet. I have tried to learn better ways to handle myself, often inspired when exhaustion sets in after repeated unskillful actions. Wisdom for me, enters in the back door, more as the last thing left!

What to do? Well, meditation brought those realities to the foreground. When I am resting in awareness while meditating and not labeling as good or bad, a natural peace flows from within. It is not ‘peace’ as another feel good object to grasp, but really relaxation into what is going on right at this minute and being ok with it.  Now to carry this relaxation in being into daily life, because it is me on that cushion at 5am, and it’s me... always, just a little bit scrambled. 



“....Without knowing yourself,
 there is no peace.
— J. Krishnamurti






That is why I am going to an 8-day Meditation with a focus on the Satipatthana Sutta teachings.

Wisdom comes Quicker without Liquor

The fifth precept:
I undertake the training rule
 to abstain from fermented drink that causes heedlessness.

Wak Saket Prep for New Year's 2555

The abbot who I had so much respect for when I did I short term ordination in Thailand, said when I disrobed that the fifth precept is the most important to keep in lay life. I agreed but came home to enjoy my occasional wine with dinner, I felt I had it all under control, but this stuck with me. He also stated that it isn’t the alcohol that is so bad, but drinking makes you more apt to break other precepts about lying, false speech and maybe even sexual misconduct. One as a human becomes weaker.

I continued requesting precepts at temple with the Nuns at home, which is done after prayers and meditation, so I finally listened to myself. If I request the precepts then I must want to live by them. Don't I? I love red wine, and feel it was such an important part of who I am. I keep wanting some positive, I thought, a remainder of my life pre-brain injury. I realized that I was clinging still to my old self.

My kuti at Thai Temple Nov, 2554

But is it really who I am? Not on my wisdom seeking missile path, I am more and more leaning towards the natural compassion that lives within everyone. How can I let this shine more? Like when I went up to a participant at my weekend retreat with Bentinho, at the fire pit in the evening while rubbing his back, said to a gentleman, “Thank you for being you.” He was touched. Or when talking to another woman feeling her dis-ease with her life, kneeled next to her, with positive ideas of how to ask for what she may need from her husband instead of venturing in search of a spiritual experience. One cannot feel in these situations if you have even one half a glass of wine. You are more into the experience of the wine to care deeply about others. Although the wine will give you the illusion of being more in touch with your feelings.

I feel I can now write about why I quick drinking on 1/1/11(2554). First let me say, that I am pretty aware of the dangers of alcoholism, but in my twenties I still partied and drank socially. This lead me to wine with dinner, and as a way of opening conversation with friends. Thinking more, it actually lead me to an elitist idea of myself as my taste in wine got more and more refined.  I dawned on me, more ego …more suffering and less wisdom. I had to quit, not to prove anything but that it was just an organic leaning to greater wisdom.

You know it is actually liberating to walk past the wine in stores, knowing that is one less thing to look towards for any source of happiness. Just having a half-open bottle of nice red-wine that you can't throw out, means you are obligated to have it the following evening, and thus making it more difficult to do an evening meditation. When you are out shopping, it also becomes a focus of what next to buy. It all became very transparent that all the wine desires pushed me to wanting a new experience each time. I could not rest in awareness or taste the peace of just being. That is a huge relief not to be bothered with in thought and desire, and I now feel the peace that I was actually looking for by drinking. 

 Relaxing at the beautiful Shwedagon Paya, Jan. 2555

My partner rarely drinks, and when I last saw him I bought him some really good Russian vodka that he wanted, last year. A full liter, it remained in the fridge for his occasional use. He would have a shot or two after a hard day at work with dinner. When I took off for Myanmar, he found himself feeling lonely, and drinking more that he should, woke up feeling not very well. We talked about this, in both cases and he realized he was not really interested in drinking. He realized that a nice run, was more what he needed. I had to let his natural wisdom shine through his experience.