Fixing Things

I had friends over for dinner Friday, and I just sat back and let them talk, as it so difficult for me. They were both very entertaining, so it was easy to sit back and cook and make this happen. I like to get two friends from different circles to meet, as it is a reflection of my diversity. The following day, I drove to the beach to cliff overlooking it to meditate for two hours. It was a beautiful calm day, so it was not too cold. I would break every so often to drink tea. In the middle of one meditation a furry puppy just jumped into my lap content knowing I was so peaceful. I was not shocked or surprised, I opened my eyes to his female owner yelling, “NO!” I opened my eyes and said, “he is just a puppy and yet he knows I won’t hurt him, give him a break.” He stayed around, making sure he was safely under my arm. When the owner relaxed, then the puppy left easily. When I was done with my two hours, I felt so much more relaxed. I have quite a few things on my mind, and they were just released from the worry mode. I was lucky enough to have friend over that night for dinner, and he was so kind as to show some techniques to photoshop my photos to look as good as they do on the camera. The sky on this shot was this spectacular that night, just before a cold front came in.

Bridge to Nowhere

Now that I am well, I forgot how great health is! I finally saw the film, The Lives of Others and found it brilliant. The Actor, Ulrich Mühe who’s life mirrored the story has since died of cancer. I can’t think of a better way to end your life after such a great performance. So, I reluctantly had to let an acquaintance/friend go after years of watching him repeat the same mistakes. I know I should be more forgiving, but with all his years of therapy he goes home and returns to square one. I told him that I will pullback until he makes a mature change in his life…even if it means just awareness. I have tried to lead him by the hand to show him the many ways I have found to change my life, but when he says that only I can change, because that how I am. I have often told him, I don’t share with him my bad days, or the days where it takes every ounce of me to get up and try again. Sadly, I can’t continue a friendship, when it doesn’t mature like life. I do wish him well, and will help when he ready to change as I have not abandoned him. Sometimes, life happens at its own rate, so you just have to stand back and watch. I really think there are more people I can inspire or help in the meantime. Recently, I took an older lady to coffee as a treat, and ended up fixing things in her home she needed done for a low price the same day.

Personality Test

I think our personality is based on all the relationships we have in our life in the past. So I am guessing that it is probably important to surround yourself, from now on, with people who treat you with respect and you can learn from. Now that does not mean people you can get something from; that would be twisting my idea. I think back at several people that keep on inspiring me who have played important roles in my life. They also make it known that they care for me, by either actions or words. They also throw some humor in my life, sprinkled with love. So now, I have to work on doing the same for others hopefully. I also am reminded of people that have played a negative impact on me in the past. They, in turn, made my personality a thing to work on…once I realized how it affected my relationships. At least I had the sense to appreciate where I have come from and where I am going. This post is dedicated to the Boy Scout, Mohammed Jaisham Ibrahim in Maldives who used his good instinct to save the President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom's life in a knife attack. There is good resting in everyone’s soul. Use your instinct.

Diving Out of the Hospital

I am still fighting bronchitis I got at the Vipassana and now I am convinced I am aspirating at night. This will make it nearly impossible to heal unless I get some powerful anti-biotics, because the one I am taking is not doing it. Meanwhile I am light-headed and today after seeing the film "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", I nearly fell down while walking down stairs. I am losing my balance with the congestion and even though taking a decongestant it just doesn’t seem to be working. I have been wanting to see that film since I heard it was being made, as it, in some ways parallels my life. The big difference is I was able to far surpass my original diagnosis of not being able to ever walk, talk, eat or communicate. I was far luckier than he(Bauby) was, and my brain stem injury healed way quicker than anyone imagined. I do have to thank those around me. My Mom saving from a tracheotomy, and my brother being smart enough to get me paper and a pencil and later a walkman. I remember with no voice, full of tubes and eager young MD’s coming into the room and saving they just have to do this one small cut and it will heal and can be reversed. I was shocked, because I thought the trama was over with the damn stomach tube which was no piece of cake. Back to the film, it is interesting how the human body/mind can compensate if you just let go of outcome. He slowly enjoys the subtle beauty of life seen through one eye, and communicates his rebirth through a book about it dictated to his secretary. There are some great moments that remind me of my own hospitalization, and the awkwardness of other people trying to talk down to you. His memory and imagination bloom when he finally accepts his fate. Allowing him to imagine what he wants, sometimes a great meal, in near perfect play like reality. I almost forgot my 6 months of drooling until I saw this film reminding me of my dignity being compromised way back then. I remember a Dr. chastising me for drooling all through the neuro rehab, so I just hoppled out the door outside. I laid myself outside in the sunny grass, listening to Meshell Ndegeocello wondering into dream space in a nap escaping my hospital confinement. Go see this film, because it really heralds what is good about life, before the hospital staff finds you.

The Silent Treatment pt. 2

On the fourth day is when the deep surgery into your body happens while meditating on equalizing the painful areas with the plain areas, just observing. We were told to start at the head and going down slowly to the feet and back up. I’d find that the painful areas when scanned hurt, and once you are past scanning those, the pain goes away. For sure this is difficult mental work maintaining in meditative state, all while being in pain. But when doing it, you learn things about your body you never knew. I found that I got feedback, although not as strong, from my left numb side. I felt nerve connections happen at the skin surface level like mini lighting bolts. I could sense the blood flowing with every heartbeat through each limb to the end. Even as small to the capillary level as they would swell. It made me want to scream like Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein, “IT’S ALIVE!” All these new different sensations made the pain work easier. Plus a little humor never hurt. I did find it easier to scan my body from head to feet and back simultaneously left and right, which was introduced from a teaching on the fifth day.
It was that night when I returned to bed, I felt that my head was burnt. I thought it was from the hot shower as I took, but later realized it was when I was attacked by the virus. So the days kept on this same idea, and time seemed slow and fast. Slow when you meditating, and you are inching for it to be over, and fast when you are listening to the evening summary and dharma talks. These were very good and even funny at times, so I looked forward to them. Most breaks were a walk outside to stretch, all men together acting like they are alone, withdrawn inside. I found this interesting to be close to straight men while meditating, eating, and in breaks. It allowed me to me to see they suffer as much as us gay men…..surprise, surprise! I did see a friend from my temple, and we would occasionally crack a smile against all rules at the intensity or absurdness of this all. Neither of us knew the other would be there. When I left, I left him my cushion and a promise to talk about the experience after he returns. I would avoid any eye contact more with him, so we would not bust up in the typical funeral parlor way in the midst of such serious participants. I know that the more you withdraw inwards, and maintain noble silence the more work you get done and maintain heightened sensitivity.
All the while, I am thinking that I have already had a very unique near death experience that I can guess most others had not had. There was one man in wheelchair, and every time I saw I him, I kept reminding myself how lucky I am. I was taken by this lonely punk with a blanket who refuses all cushions and sits down on the cold floor with bare feet. I just imagined a proud person in search of love of himself, and I found him an interesting character. One day, when it was sunny, I saw him asleep in the grass curled into his blanket and was pissed I did not have my camera. The sixth night I saw him staring into the forest in the cold rainy night near his cabin. The following day he was gone like a dream. He allowed me to spin a few tales in my head of what he is all about against all rules.
Then things got harder and harder from the sixth night on, with a fever and knowing I had no hot tea in my cabin. Walking back after lunch to my cabin drinking ginger tea mixed cayenne and honey, halfway back, I was done with it and just sighed. I knew that this virus had got me and was creeping quite heavily into my body. One guy who had always carried a thermos, wrote a quick note to me and gave it to as I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Surprised when he gave it to me because it is against all rules. It said, “I have a hot water kettle in my dorm always on and you are welcome to use it. Forgive the intrusion. I saw you carrying the empty mug, so sad.” I said, “Cool!”, my face brightened and concluded with “Namaste.” Then I thought, that I could not really ever walk into his dorm, as it would show some communication going on and we get caught. Honestly, seeing him I would show signs of gratitude like a smile and a slightly red face.

So how do I sum this all up? Working on the cell level to where thoughts and feeling originate and decisions spring out of, is brilliant. Buddha did come up with a real way to work from his own meditation. To have us work on our individually created misery at the root level. I can't believe this survived intact in Burma for 2600 years. I did miss the good final days of fine-tuning, so I have to return for another 10 days. This was, of course, way harder than my hospitalization and even the stomach tube insertion, but I would do it again. Why, you ask? Because it showed me the power of the mind when it’s concentrated. This will provide me with more power in my daily practice of eliminating anger, craving, and aversion. I drove home with a fever, heightened sensitivity to sounds, tastes, and noise. Best of all my 10 yr old shoulder injury which was causing me pain during the work, was freer and pain was gone. This made me think. That we take our personal hurt and pile it on, adding to our actual physical pain. We cause so much of our pain with our mind, the same mind that can get us out of it.

The Silent Treatment pt.1

I am back early from my Vipassana meditation because I got sick and the fever that made the meditation very difficult. Although, I made it until the eighth day, but sadly missing the intense body vibrations that come those last two days. They said I could stay in bed there, take medication they would get for me, or go home. But the sleep deprivation from being in a noisy room was wearing me out. I was very reluctant to leave after already seeing some benefits. First of all, it was nothing like I expected. I arrived with some 4 boxes of tea as a gift, and told to wait outside for an hour. This man who greeted me, I immediately made note of his equanimous behavior towards me and the others. I met two guys outside while waiting, and all of us were awkwardly talked anticipating the unknown.
The men and women were separated in the hall, dining, grounds and at all times. The first dinner after checking in, I spent time talking to a Chinese/ Tibetan healer and his disciple client. He twisted each of my fingers and found the one that was more freer, he announced, “You have a liver problem.” I did not take this too seriously, because I just had a full blood panel done last month and it looks fine. He did inspire me not to eat the dinner saying that this is like the last supper and will make tomorrow more difficult. But all this helped me to feel like I am one of the gang that first evening. The first night, I had 12 men in my room ranging from 18 – 60, I became acutely aware listening to all in their sleep, either talking, moaning or tossing… that we all suffer. As I laid there that first night unable to sleep I tried wishing them well, falling asleep 3 hours later. Sure we all look fine in daylight, but at night it all comes out. When was the last time you spent a night in room with 12 people... not since camp, right? I was thinking it would dredge up all kinds of past hurts and disappointments, but the fact it was not so specific. In the process of concentrating the mind by watching the breath, and drifting thoughts all I could think about is those that helped me. I felt that several friends of mine are a Buddha, because of their role and compassion they have showed me. It only seemed long to meditate that first few days. Then the pain started and work. I enjoyed the 4 am wakeup gong, and each gong sounding. There were several rung simultaneously all around the camp in almost dead quiet setting before and after every meditation. The beautiful chime of the gong, kept repeating in my head at all different times. It was hauntingly nice. Walking down in the path in the moonlight, bundled up in early morn was beautiful, and I am not a morning person. I was embarking on a new insight into my mind. Arriving at the hall at 4:30, in low light darkness, and meditating until 6:30 was perhaps the best time all day for me. It became spiritual, meditating with 300 people in darkness knowing the world is awakening. This will inspire me to do this in my old age. I abandoned my flashlight that first day, feeling it was too artificial and spoiled the moment.
Upon completing this first meditation of the day we walk outside to watch the sun rise. It was as if we commanded to rise for us. Then enjoy our first meal of the day, hot oatmeal, and fruits and tea. We meditate again starting an ending each time hearing Pali chants of good will and Buddha teachings, all of which are translated by the teacher in dharma talks at night at the end of day. I did not find having no food after 12 noon a problem, and even asked my teacher if I should decline the 5pm fruits offered with the tea. I drank the honey ginger tea adding lemon juice and cayenne to clean my system. I knew this work would be hard on my body. Constantly moving my leg positions, because of my knee injury that became worse and so swollen. I had to meditate in a chair the remaining time there, a first, that helped to remind me that everything changes in life.
On the third day, I wished love on all those around me trying to help me work on this heavy meditation while focusing the mind on a smaller area below the nose. We did break almost every hour, to walk and stretch. One break in the morning I saw some signs of he mind sharpening noticing the beauty of a slight breeze on small weed stalks. It left me mesmerized like on an acid trip. I did not find it hard to not talk, by my hyper-vigilance caused by my loss of sensation on left side made me look around more than they would have liked violating the noble silence. They never talked to me about this but I did mention to my teacher when approached in the evening my brain injury caused me to develop other heightened senses. I thought I should wear blinders, and realized there why monks used to wear hoods.

On the third day of watching my breath, I did have one quick moment of dissolving into white space and back into my body. Meanwhile, I found tears flowing from my eyes during meditation. No sobs or other signs of being upset, just a natural way of cleansing your deep soul. And it was never related to any one specific image of past events. We were working on our root mind from which we base every craving or aversion we encounter. If we approach everything in life that happens to us equally we will be less likely to suffer and be much happier. That is the calm mind, I am working towards. We were to take this concept into our body while meditating applying to pains and bland boring areas on the fourth day. That night 3 guys left the room by the time I had returned that evening. My guess two of the younger ones were not patient enough and the other was getting sick.

Chose The Big Picture

I’ve often said that we chose the things that bother us and those that don’t. It is so funny that we will waste time getting angry about being 5 minutes late and blame innocent drivers in front of us. To the point of getting red-faced and cursing their mother. Just look in your view mirror, and you will probably see the driver behind doing it to you. Just like the “C” I got in High School English that nobody cared about, no one is going to remember you being 5 minutes late for anything. Or care. And when I was near death in the hospital years ago, no one talked to me about being late or my grades, as they chose to worry about the big picture. How was I going to survive this and would I ever have a brain left? If I only had a brain! Just their choice to focus on me getting better gave me the life force to accomplish the impossible. I picked up the pieces and ran with it. So, go ahead and chose something with some meaning like helping others instead of focusing on the things we can’t really change. When I started examining myself, I was amazed how easy it is to be bothered by small unchangeable stuff. It is not all gone, but I am working on it in almost every instance. I am happy with who I am and the wisdom I have. And the wisdom I can work to obtain. Happy Holidays!