Never a Hand Out

Well, I have been plagued with computer problems and took it in for a week. They tried to figure it out, as it was sleeping too much and I brought it in while it was doing this. Of course with my luck, it never did it again. Ah, ha! It turned out to be yet another way to work on my patience.
I found out that an acquaintance who I saw last summer, killed himself at age 20 over his girlfriend rejection. Sad, but mainly for those left to deal especially his mother. I respect decisions as severe as suicide when it is used to take control of your life, but not in this immature way. And he had such promise and seemed like he had goals. But you can never know what is in people’s head.
While I was computer less, I was busy fixing up a bathroom in my house, and doing handyman work for friends. I also saw a nice moral kids film called Raja Siri Raja. It is from Sri Lanka, and having traveled there twice it brought back nice memories. You can find it on Youtube and I wish I could it to buy for my nephews.
My partner is close to finishing his BA, and is busy working overtime to complete his projects. With a happy sound in his voice that shows there is light at the end of his tunnel. But now he is on a role he now wants a MA and PHD to elevate his marketability. I told him go for it, while you are in the mood and I’ll help. At least he never asks for handout, and he works hard for everything. If I can help him it gives me a real sense of purpose. I joke with him that he will be more educated than I.
I try to do work and when I have time off get out and do exercise. Today, I biked 33 miles, through some of the most beautiful parts of the city. Along the bridge to another city and back home. Riding back I caught one of our beautiful fall sunsets with orange and red. I helped to get me out of my funk, that often present “why am I here” feeling we often have. I tried to smile as I rode, saying hello frequently and let any annoyances go. That allowed me to find a 5 dollar bill along the way, my lunch for the day!

Straight to the Heart

I was very offended to find Yes on 8 ads on my blog, so I pulled Google adsense. The mormons were busy spreading more hate, taking away my rights to marry. And I thought there was a separation of church and state? This will only strengthen our resolve to have equal rights as this went straight to our loving heart. You would think that it would be a good thing for us to be married, as we provide more dollars to the economy. And in the worst case of divorce we will provide lawyers a fair amount of pocket change. But with Obama’s election it kept our mood higher and made us way more hopeful after he mentioned us in his speech. I can say I am still speechless after his clear victory, signaling a real statement after McCain/Palin's hateful champaign that people saw through.
The following day, I was doing some handyman work for a stranger, and upon finishing she promptly gave me a check. I frowned a little, but wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I left her house and went straight to the bank, only to find out it was no good, and overdraft could not even cover it. I still had to hear the bank teller's pitch to sell me on an account there, all while I lost face over this bad check. "You sure you don't want the stuffed pony with a new account?" I have to get back to you. I decided to keep calm, while I rushed back to her house again, accessing the peace from every meditation I have ever done. I got there and rang the bell, called her name, because her balcony door were open….no answer. I called her number from my cell…no answer. I was feeling dumb, but resolved to get my money. Should I wait there until she left? I could not, because I had to meet a friend at my house. I looked at her balcony, should I crawl up? I said, that is an opportunity to break my neck and get the police called on me. I thought hard while looking around her entry. Ah, hah! I saw her electric meter, and killed her power…she came right out. I said, without getting mad, sorry your check is not good, and yes... I turned off your power. She said turn it on, and I will come out and drive you to the atm to pay you. I said fine, and in the awkward moments in her car we made small talk. I got my money just in time to get home to meditate twenty minutes before my friend came by to take me out to dinner. Whew!

Creative Thinking

I had one small cup of coffee on Wednesday at 4pm while rushing around. Then later I had a visit and a great talk with a friend about what is important in life later at 9pm. I went sleep at midnight only to wake up at 4am, for whatever reason. I tried to force myself to sleep only to realize that was pointless. I then tried to meditate upright in bed for 5 minutes, when I came the realization that I can’t change nature. I then got up turned on the computer, put on soft Indian Buddhist chants, made some herbal tea, and just figured I would make the best of this. Aren’t most problems really how you see them? Things change for whatever reason and you will drive yourself crazy trying to again make your way. Of course this the go with the flow idea, but it is a much more a real conscious effort to watch how you treat every situation in life...constantly observing. I looked back this week to a meeting with an older friend who constantly complains, almost to the point of each word that comes out of her mouth. I first thought well maybe I should distance myself from her to keep me from joining her in negative speech. Then on further reflection, I thought she might in my life for a reason, as a constant reminder of what I should avoid in myself. They are never directed at me anyway, so why take them personally? Perhaps by example I can help her and if not her…so many others.

The photos I took when I felt lonely, but instead of getting down I got out and again tried to show the beauty that is right outside your small world. But I am helping build my partner's future, a creative process just like my photography. I worked hard this week getting a huge album of photos of our last trip to my partner's mother and mailing it off. I know how Mom's are, they need to know their kids are happy!

Halloween Nightmare

Who will we be this coming Halloween? Something scary or comical? A joke now, perhaps temporary, and we fall back into the comfort of our lives filled with worry, self-doubts and frustrations. A real lack of peace that we strive for when we eat our favorite meal or your partner says you look great and they love you. Oh sure, we be happy when we enjoy our friends and work hard, but inside our head is a little voice that reminds us that things are not always are they are supposed to be. That is, if we don’t use our ability to watch our mind when we meditate. And then turn around when we awake and use the real peace we found there to make better choices to eliminate minor frustration or anger. Just watch how often we are displeased with common occurrences when driving or just doing normal things like shopping. I am only speaking from my own experience. I am not really sure where we got the idea that everything has to be our way, and if not we are going to get upset and make a stink. I came home and a potted plant outside my house was shattered and most likely by the school kids who wait for the bus and sit on my house wall. It was broken and done and getting upset about it will not magically repair it or justify why my stupid pot is broken? I just decided to move the plant to a spot by the school, because what will a silly jade plant matter when I am close to death in old age? NaDa, you only worry about those that love you and the short time you spent with them. So lets get busy and work on how we see our life and the world, right? I write this even to remind myself what to do because even in the short 4 years I have been practicing and meditating I have seen great progress.

Ringing in Dharma

I find that my sense of what I consider the world expands with my learning Buddha Dharma. In other words, my world expanded much beyond what I would have normally considered important to me. You know attractive people, and things I desired or care about before. It started just after traumatic brain injury when the natural evolution healing process caused me to look at everything in life. Assign importance to things, and change perspective on other things I would have in the past tossed aside. One important huge mental shift was seeing that others suffer, and sometimes much more than you in the present moment. Of course it meant having to stop comparing yourself to people much more beautiful and better off. This mental shift was instrumental in my healing process, and it did come to me like in a light bulb moment. I had to put aside my self-pity, which was so easy to fall into when ever I encountered exhaustion and still does now, but rarely. This is not to say that I was careless about our world as I was still active politically and socially, in the past. But now I see and feel more people I care about who I see and perhaps encounter in life. My actual caring circle expanded nearly doubling. I find myself talking to others when I think I can be of some help to them. I am not perfect, but I try to engage others when appropriate. I saw a new person at yoga that I could tell was struggling with the flexibility. He was a huge man, in both muscles and size. I told him you have to relax your ideas of being able to do it all right now, rest and relax and it will also help you dealing with life. Perfect the poses that come natural to you. Then I told him that before I even did yoga I used to sit on the floor and work on the stretches. Then when I started which was nine years ago and I still cannot do a lot of complex ones. I said it is great for getting your mind ready for meditation and will save your life in ways you never would have thought. My discussion with him included a note about how far I have come, from limping to my present good balance. And with my speech disability that gave it some real gravity to him. He said thank you and he was worried about his blood pressure so maybe I helped launch him in a new way of thinking.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I often see the damage that self-hating does to one, looking back at my own history and those of some of my friends. Being gay there are few positive role models as you grow up. Often gays are not able to talk to anyone growing up. By the time we come out the damage to our self image is already done. We might jump on the “critical boat” of finding fault in others to make ourselves feel better. Worse yet, the self doubts that can cripple our pursuits in our career. But at the minimum, we have the nagging feeling that we are just not handsome or smart enough. Later we might mature, after having close relationships where that same self doubts play such a big part showing cracks. I am here to say, stop. One spends precious time spinning in circles when you could be out just enjoying life or perfecting your niche. You can never really be pretty or smart enough for others. Most people operate on an advertised ideal person that absolutely no one can every live up to. If we approach loving our partner with the idea that they will make us happy, when in fact, we can’t even make ourselves happy …we will fail. Work on your mind and love yourself first, even when society in most cases does not. Then proceed with a real relationship not based on demands, but instead honestly wishing them love purely. Love not with the attachment of what you will get out of it…that's wisdom. You will be rewarded with long lasting relationships, even if they might break up. They will stand the test of time, because you are wise and accept the changes that invariably happen.

Wait Not, Want Not

I was out on Sunday, deciding to go out with friends while waiting for my guest to arrive. I did not have a firm time from him, and I was not going to waste a beautiful day waiting around. So I went to Open studios in Marin Headlands by bus which is a hell of a lot cheaper than a car and better for our planet. Walking with my friends to see artist’s studios. I got fascinated by Walter Kitundu both playing and talking about his work and thoughts(see link posted). Stayed there about an hour and lost my friends, but it was all good. It left me with hope, dreams, admiration and it slowed down my fast paced existence. When he talked about watching and photographing birds and that they will let you know what they are doing. He also spoke about how standing or sitting quietly in the park the police were called many times on him. It got so bad, he had to put a sign by him that explained what he was doing. I was outraged and ashamed, but not surprised. Bringing me back to the idea that we are missing so much of what is good in life, by defining life by what we already know or fear. We think that we have it all figured out. In our little “me” world, where we originate the idea that the world happens to us, Defined by what we like or dislike. But if we just it go and view life with equanimity we will be happily surprised at how much less painful it appears to be. I rushed back to dinner with my friend, who in waiting at a bar close to my house, had met the owner of a restaurant. The owner had invited him and me to have dinner at his restaurant. Three hours of eating and drinking wine all on him! I tipped the wait staff and once home wrote a nice Thank you card, an often forgotten courtesy.
"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives"-Albert Einstein