Do Waves of Emotion Define your Existence?

I am in a strange place, mostly internally, and can exist all day without anyone speaking to me. You might think it my fault, but you don't have a speech disability which makes it hard to even speak my own tongue. Most of the time it is fine, but every so often some emotion burps out me in the form of goosebumps, and desire for recognition, I guess.  For instance, I could feel the prayers and wishes when I took these photos. I am not disconnected. Not sure if I create it out of existential validation or just habit of conditioned learned responses from childhood. 


Certainly, where I am now, only makes it more pronounced. Going “home” will not make it right, so that is not an option, as long as this where love is. If I at anytime do meditation I can easily relax out of with the real physical awareness that there is no “I” to please. In fact those waves subside quickly, amazingly so, even not being quenched and it all feels like a natural process. If I, in fact, can bring this into daily existence, knowing that I can never really arrange life to suit my emotions…I will arrive totally into my being(or be present). Talking to myself, “Let’s Evolve,” by not needing to bend my day around my emotions….eating, exercising, doing, not doing, ignoring, avoiding, etc. Dive in and examine each emotion as it appears and I think I will be surprised that there is nothing to them, besides natural bodily occurrences.

“Pleasure depends on things, happiness does not. As long as we believe that we need things to make us happy, we shall also believe that in their absence we must be miserable. Mind always shapes itself according to its beliefs. Hence the importance of convincing oneself that one need not be prodded into happiness; that, on the contrary, pleasure is a distraction and a nuisance, for it merely increases the false conviction that one needs to have and do things to be happy, when in reality it is just the opposite. But why talk of happiness at all? You do not think of happiness except when you are unhappy. A man who says "Now I am happy" is between two sorrows, past and future. This happiness is mere excitement caused by relief from pain. Real happiness is utterly unselfconscious. It is best expressed negatively as: "there is nothing wrong with me, I have nothing to worry about".” 

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Naive Blog Motivations?

When I started this blog, it was based on the idea that I had something to share. One, to give my partner an idea of what my motivations are. Two, was to help others find their way, and that it can be done even if one encounters the unthinkable with their health, and the deck of cards they are dealt. Like... just look at me, if this sad sack can take the ball and roll with it, you can too. It just takes a lot of self reflection in meditation and try what you never tried before...along the lines that if all else fails, get up and keep walking...towards wisdom, of course.

Well, my partner loves me and really has no reason to read this now or later, when I am gone, he lives by pure intention and the right now. He has no doubts. And others, my guess, either say “good for you” or “that's interesting” and go about their lives. No one will attempt any change until they have exhausted every option. At one's own time and direction.
At the same time I have slowed down on taking photos with a reminder I saw last year. I went to a house estate sale of a man who died alone, he was a tour agent and took many upper income ladies on exotic trips. His nice photos lay in boxes to be disposed of, and some young “queen” was picking through a few to find the outrageous 60's looks to hang at home in a campy display of past chic. In other words our past has no value, really except to motivate positive change.

"Meditate, meditate, let go of all those things

you have been doing for so long,

stop doing them and meditate!"

He(Bhuddha) wants to encourage and teach others, also.

But if you go and do that,

you destroy your meditation.

Don't stop to go and teach. Just continue your practice.

Don't encourage other people. You can do that later.

But it is very hard not to that;

it is very hard to resist.

— Fourth Insight, A Map of the Journey,

talks by Sayadaw U Jotika

Can You Know Enough to Stop Dying?

“You can only rise as high as your self-esteem” 

— Sayadaw U Jotika

Apparently, aspiring for comfort takes all your energy. It slowly became obvious that I desired wisdom out of some kind of payback for suffering and my upcoming death. But who is dying? We all are, there was never an I to be worried about. It was all part of the package. 
This Burmese Super Man agreed to let me photograph him, only because he was wise enough not to care ...a non-issue. Make your suffering as elegant as his appears, and you'll inspire many without even knowing it.  I bow to him and all those wiser than I. 
Any thoughts about your death?

Where Love Shines Through

I had just returned from a quick trip to Myanmar when I became ill from food poisoning. I had given a new Dhamma friend I met there my drugs that I had bought for this, knowing he had further travels, and will probably need them. Luckily it hit me when I got back, when my partner and I were on the way to get him his favorite pie. We had to grab a fast taxi back home to avoid puking on the subway, where I then collapsed for 36 hours to sleep. He would wake me to eat Jok(fish and rice porridge) that he made and take pills. He dropped everything to make sure I get better, even holding me. It was only another confirmation of why we are still together after all these years. 
Earlier in the day, my first trip out was to complete the mission to bring him home the pie he likes. On the way out, I went to buy cookies to give away randomly, and the store owner said, “Oh, here is 20 B you lost last week when you here,” handing it to me. I guess it was pay back from the small purse that I found here in Bangkok at a fruit vendor and gave back to the woman who I correctly guessed had dropped it. The look on her face was similar to mine, today.
Tonight, when my partner and I did a Pali prayer before bed, we burst out laughing, tears coming down our faces from a joke we shared. Love can be that simple.

Misery 101

In the past two months, I have been tying to let my partner do his own thing in his own time. At times, it may seem like it is an incredible sacrifice on my part, only when I feel bad or uneven within myself. In other words, my ego doesn't like it, when I am fragile. He is much more demonstrative with his love spontaneously the more I let go, so it is not like there is no payback. In fact ten-fold, lately. I just have to keep reminding myself of the self created misery that can spiral out with one bad thought. One night I had a sinking dream, because I guess my ego did not like the changes I have been making and  I guess carried it over. I was moaning saying, "No, No, No," while falling....then I could see/hear him at the end of a long tunnel and the falling stopped with his words. Touching me and bringing me forth to the waking world, with his hands on my shoulders, waking me, he said, "It's OK, I love you." 

Two Slices of Pie

It is evening, I stare out the window of the plane and I catch my reflection since the cabin lights were on. I look thin and ragged, and I can see the homemade bib I have on to absorb the drool because it is white. It ain't pretty, but it is something, so I laugh. I recall being confused the first week of rehab as to why do I drool a lot more. What really happened? No one really told me thinking I would give up on the spot, I guess. But, they don't really know me. We “stole” the towels from the hospital, when the Dr. frowned at me walking around drooling by the front desk. Putting two holes in them and used a shoelace to tie it on, making several. It served a dual purpose, I could tie my stomach tube to it to keep it high, so I don’t lose all my precious liquid “dinner” on the road.  Am no longer embarrassed wearing it. I have lost 30 lbs in a way I could never imagine, and I am coming home from the hospital. My partner, at the time, will pick my brother and I up from the airport. It feels very awkward, knowing that my brother needs on get on with his life. My whole world has been turned upside down, and we know time moves forward whether you are on board or not.... it has now been 8 weeks and I still can’t talk or even eat. Walking sort of Charlie Chaplin like, hitting things with my left side. Luckily, I can't feel it.

A limo driver is waiting for us, and I am so embarrassed. Is it because I look like hell?  No, It is more about the waste of money.  The same money that I gave him and is never worth it but my partner arranged for this. I should be happy it is done out of love, but it reminded me of being nursed to death. It points to what is wrong in our relationship, and this seems a continuation of drama of us seeing the world in different ways. But I can’t even pop the champagne they had in the car. I did not know yet, that I could pour alcohol down my stomach tube …that would come later. I would have been happier just grabbing a bus and rail back home, it would feel like more progress.

Ten years pass…

A jet is landing in Bangkok, raining like hell, lightening seen through the streaked windows with the landing gear lights on, we are landing after an exciting three weeks in Sri Lanka. This is our second trip. My life partner and I are talking about what we liked this trip, trying to gloss over the fact that I will continue on upon landing, parting yet again.  Luckily we don’t cry when we kiss and say goodbye in private, knowing polite Thai society.  Our “honeymoon” was in Hong Kong, two years previously and it had really cemented our relationship. I am just beginning to learn from him. We were working towards common goals, even separated by a huge ocean. That was his first international flight, to start to fill his passport with stamps. He so wisely applied for it just before we met solely with dreams of travel. The plane is almost ready to touch ground when suddenly it is jerked severely up to the sky again in what feels like 30°, warning announcements are heard on the PA and we are close enough to hear the cockpit warning beeps. This is bad, too many factors are involved.  Worriedly, my partner looks at me with which is unlike him, and I reassure him that this is normal procedure and probably a plane was on our landing strip. I am trying to hide my fear to make him feel better, but this rapid ascent is way beyond anything I have ever experienced. The passengers are all quiet, but if they would scream we would hardly hear them as the engine sounds are so deafening. Thinking, we might die now, and never have to say goodbye. That’s a plus…. and then the plane banks left and levels out. I exhale and think, not yet...we had plans.

I Can Breathe, Again

I tried mediating after we came back from a film, my partner had crashed, saying wake me in 10 minutes to run. The AC was blasting and I settled in on my pillow on the floor, setting my alarm for an hour. Watching my breath, and with-in 5 minutes I could feel the hair on my arm stand up. Was it because of awareness or some follow-through from the movie we saw that touched my heart?  Earlier, I lost my breath with the emotions I felt, but was rudely assaulted by the heat and sun of day after the theatre. Weaving through busy traffic we took off to find someplace to have lunch. I put my finger to my heart, it is right there, noting. I wanted to sit down and cry, so inappropriate for where I was.  I am stumbling, he says, “watch out,” cars are coming from everywhere yet no one beeps, and 5 kids all less than 6 years old are playing in pond within a half a meter by railroad tracks right our feet. The guards on rail crossing come down and we stop for the train, just in time for me to get my breath.  I don't hear the warning sound, but can see the red blinking lights. The kids don’t register us being right beside them, am I alive? I look at the passengers in the train as it goes by, and they don’t connect with me either. Where are they going? I attempt to smile, but the heat is unraveling me.

Back the breathe, I found myself nodding off. “Damn, I getting old and need a nap everyday with this injury.” I know frustration appears faster if I don't listen to my body. I abandon the sit, and crawl in bed with my now sound asleep partner. I sleep for an hour, fully dressed. Who can wake someone when they obviously enjoy sleep, after that totally frustrating Friday, where he left in rain, walked through floods, slipped and fell on the way to work. He came later that night with packages of gifts for his Mom to mail. I could feel his near defeat from the day, but luckily had fish dinner all ready for him with his favorite vanilla cream puffs for dessert.  I held him and he showed me his wound from falling, and he wanted to cry but wasn’t really able to admit the defeat. Then a small animal cry bounced out at the imaginary bully in charge of life. I massaged his wound with pain cream, and let him unwind after a shower. He will do what is necessary, he made it this far against a lot of odds. I watched him eat, and he offered some food. He is always thinking of others. “No, Thank you,” I say, thinking that I bought this food for him, I wasn’t thinking about me at the time.

I turn off the A/C, it was getting too cold for me, and I wanted to hear him breathe. He awakens, glances at his watch, and moans but loving his nap he just throws back the covers as the heat re-enters the room, and mentally dives back in. I’m awake right now, with the hall sounds of packing and cleaning of another apt, but done in polite manner. It is quiet, and dark with the sun already packed up and I want this moment to last. He breathes peacefully, piano music is playing softly by Einuadi. So it seems foolish to join him in sleep, when I feel the love we share. He can sleep as long as he needs. He needs to unload yesterday. When his cell phone chimes a cute Isan tune, he just rolls over and puts his arm on my chest. Two hours later, he wakes up and says, "When you go to Myanmar for a month, I'll be so lonely," giving me a squeeze.