Journey to the Gate

I was, again listening to Radio Lab(Where Am I?) about the brain, and one part was about proprioception. That is the brain's ability to know where anything is at any given moment with relation to the body. Close your eyes and raise your hand, and you still know it where it is located. People who have difficulty with this, also usually have a problem knowing where their body is in space. It can also affect organs and balance, all things we take for granted when we are fine. I had lost mine partially with my brain injury, so I gradually had to learn how to improvise without anyone telling me how to. So, when my arm would hit a table I was walking by, or drop keys that were in my hand, I learned to train my brain by watching my hand. By watching I could learn to compensate what natural proprioception I lost. It was frustrating, when I also had lost half my right vision, with muscle weakness. Doing yoga to learn how to balance, even though I still have no feeling on my left side of my body. No Doctor would elaborate on how to deal all this, but it is a testimony to how well the body can adapt to injury to the brain. In my volunteer job at the hospital, I make it known that the Doctor’s can’t just talk over the brain injured victim. They might as well start to discuss what really they are looking for when the do tests on cranial nerves lost. Explain what is deficient in a compassionate manor, would be a goof start. Looking back it is a gift from Buddha, to find the will power when my whole world was turned upside and all without ever seeing a neuropsychiatrist post hospital. So, if I can myself in this extreme situation, they I should have less trouble opening the gate to enlightenment.

A Natural End

I heard a teaching I have heard several times by different teachers on love, attachment and delusions last night. In the teaching he asked, “What happens in every long term relationship?” The first person who answered said, “Boredom”, the second person in the room said, “Death” which is the correct answer. Now I have meditated on my death and death alone, and heard a lot of dharma talks, but this is the first one where a very important point came into my mind. No matter what believe about reincarnation or heaven, death is the ultimate change one experiences. That means that every other change we experience including watching our bodies fall apart as we age pales in comparison. The Ahh-hah moment happened last night, the real hard fact that will propel me hopefully into accepting all other change. That simple, important fact will lessen our need to feel like we are suffering the change of say, a relationship breaking up or someone is late. If we remember the change of death, and embrace the change of everyday experience we will find patience slowly will become our natural wisdom.

Cutting Out Medical Mysteries

I am going on a mission to find out as cheaply as possible how my health is and cut out the medical over billing. I am pretty aware of my body, and I learned this since before my stint in ICU. In fact, if I was not fit and healthy when my brain injury occurred I most definitely would have died. Luckily and most importantly I did not smoke and had good exercise and eating habits. That way when I dropped 33 pounds in the first ten days of hospitalization, I could still survive even though given a death sentence by doctors while in the coma. Now, I continue doing a wide variety of exercise including yoga, and swimming. I have always been on the idea that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So, when I found my heart racing at night a few times, it is making me pull apart every possible cause, since I have normal blood pressure. Included are supplements I take, and any chemicals I use at home. If I can deduce by removing anything in my diet or home then great, and if the blood panel is all clear. If I still find it happening and then have to see my primary care Dr I will. Aware of all the brain injury caused problems, but they usually are consistent, and do not pop up for no reason. What is gone is gone(brain-wise), so to speak and has only stabilized or I have gotten use to it.

Healthy Trouble

A week of new images and more of those little hassles in life. These two diverse images of man made and nature made beauty. So it brings to a point about man made problems with natural life. It seems to me if you have a insurance plan that it should cost less for services. But what I have found out is retail cost for lab work is less than when billed through insurance.

Funny, I went to get a physical and for my $45 co-pay I get only these things: Temperature, blood pressure, height, weight and a look at my throat and ears. If I want a full blood panel and discussion it costs a bundle for the lab and a new appointment. Wouldn’t you think they would encourage you to be on top of your health? Nope. So I can do it outside of my plan for less money, and just research my blood panel when I get it online. Now that’s sad. But, not a sad as our country’s torture policy. Maybe this is a preview of it!

Playing with Tone

I was listening to Radio Lab, on musical language theory and I was brought back to the reason why most people will go “Huh?” when I say a simple word. Apparently most people hear words by the tone instead of he actual word. Which is the main reason that people don't understand me. I am trying to think how to warn people in advance. My problem on the phone, is when I attempt to warn them in advance they often hang up. I almost need a normal person to record a warning for to play on the phone first before I speak. I am not tone deaf, but the area in my brain that transfers the actual word on one side and moves to convert to tone is damaged. Also because I lost all feeling in the mouth area, and tongue, I am unable to teach the tongue with the brain how to perfect my speech. I listen to my speech, and self-correct by repeating it. I tried to delay speech with an appliance during my speech therapy to slow me down and it worked some. But my problem with slowing down spontaneous speech is that I forget my thoughts. I can do it while reading something that is easy. You know the old joke about walking and chewing gum? Well, that is me, now. I cannot walk and talk to people, and even friends get bothered when I stop them to say what I want to say. All these things we take for granted in life, now for me become a challenge. I wish I could somehow breakdown each problem and let them experience it for a second in order to get their understanding.

Flowering Intention

With a glass of wine after dinner with some chocolate, I can wrap up the day, happily. I tried again to help someone who had relationship problems online. I hope that my insights and clear thinking will help set this person on the right track as to what to expect. I also told them about how to avoid this happening again by approaching the next relationship with a rational mind. I am aware at the time when someone asks for help, they see no way out when they are hurting. I again mention that looking outside of yourself for happiness will almost always lead to disaster. I have talked about this before, to casually remind myself as well, that to make anyone the sole source of your happiness puts a terrible burden on them. All I have to do is think back to unsuccessful relationships I had in the past looking carefully at why they failed or changed. Some things repeat themselves unless you examine them and change. Sure, change is not easy for me or anyone but change we have to …to mature. At least I have had several successful ones that I am able to use as a base line when attempting the next one. My current partner has little idea of much internal work and learning of past mistakes I had to do to make ours flow. But this is my gift to a great soul and partner who he has taught me a lot like forgiveness and understanding. He knows, it is all in the intent.

Ride Away Anger

Early, yesterday I tried to get some things done around home before seeing a friend later. He cancelled and instead of feeling down about a change of plans, I took off on my bike to see if I could do a ride like I used to 16 years ago. My disability brings certain health things with it to worry about, but also some “devil may care attitude.” Stopping to help two young Dutch women with as map, and talking to them about where they wanted to go next. I told them an easy way down to their destination. I decided to take the hill, feeling like I vampired some of their youth. I did not push too hard and when things seemed bad, I rested and drank water. I pushed a steep hill slowly, barely passing walking people. Within two hours I stood at the peak, on crystal clear day with a view of the Pacific. I asked a tourist with his wife up there for the first time by car to take my photo. We talked briefly about why I spoke poorly, and where he from since he told me they moved away. He said to appreciate it more. I continued on with a sense of relief for making it this far, which meant it was going to a relaxing, beautiful ride home. I got to ride past some places that meant a lot in my past, so it was kind of like memory lane tour. I find it is important to be flexible when things change, as a way to keep anger away. Perhaps, if I keep doing this, anger will find a slippery hold on me…hopefully. Now, that I can this ride I will repeat it again.
Today, after a full day ending with volunteering I answered an ad for a dinner date. When I informed the person I had speech disability, they cut off any conversation and of course the date. This caused no anger because I had little expectations, and feel it is their loss.