Not a Drunken Buddha

I have been shooting more with hopes of learning more while I am short of work. When I shoot something when I find it interesting, sometimes things I don’t really fancy I try to find the beauty. I want to take this over to my own life, as there are things that happen way beyond your control and you have to make the best of them. If you are wise you make do, and try not to dwell on the bad by making the positive shine greater. We do have the freedom to change how we see things, perhaps as a stepping stone, or even a learning experience. I do wish I had the financial freedom to help others more than I do. I have been thinking about how I might help young gays develop more positive attitude of themselves instead of getting into risky sexual behavior to find love. If one learns to love themself, they are less likely to make bad decisions. I do have both real good and bad decisions in my past to share with them, now it is just a matter of how to communicate with a disabled voice. I did help college age “kids” back before my injury with small controlled events to discuss the risk of AIDS. But now, will they listen? Or just focus on my weird speech? Meanwhile, I help people at the hospital. So I am not all talk.

Photo Nostalgia

I know that my old photographs of people, especially my friends and ex-lovers are stored in boxes. The idea, I guess, was to save them for when I am old so I could look at them and stroke those memories. It is coming to my mind that it would be more realistic to give them to the people who are in them. I have done that with one friend. Holding on to them does not give me any more spiritual connection to them. But, deep down maybe that is why I still hold to them? Even if they are still my friends, they are not same person when the photo was taken. Nor am I. It would free me from holding on to the past and make some moves I need to.

Waiting for Sunset

I have been reflective, cleaning my house to new music I bought. In addition helping at my temple, and painting for them. I got to brighten up the entry, using colors I found on one of our Buddhist books. This helps to keep the look consistent and upbeat. I have managed also to meditate and see friends and exercise. I am trying to plan a trip that will give more to write about and to photograph. I often hear similar Buddhist teachings over the years, and most often I take something new out of every one. I really enjoy when I hear someone say to our teacher that this lesson was just made for them at this moment. Meaning that it rang true, and helped them cope in a difficult time. When I see them deep in conversation I brought them both tea, and made myself scarce.
Meanwhile, I have to keep my cool during the election cycle and praying for a good change. Involved enough to help, but not so much to lessen my anger quotient. My windows have Obama posters on them, in the hope that some real change is happening after 8 years of Bush lies.

Fixing Things

I had friends over for dinner Friday, and I just sat back and let them talk, as it so difficult for me. They were both very entertaining, so it was easy to sit back and cook and make this happen. I like to get two friends from different circles to meet, as it is a reflection of my diversity. The following day, I drove to the beach to cliff overlooking it to meditate for two hours. It was a beautiful calm day, so it was not too cold. I would break every so often to drink tea. In the middle of one meditation a furry puppy just jumped into my lap content knowing I was so peaceful. I was not shocked or surprised, I opened my eyes to his female owner yelling, “NO!” I opened my eyes and said, “he is just a puppy and yet he knows I won’t hurt him, give him a break.” He stayed around, making sure he was safely under my arm. When the owner relaxed, then the puppy left easily. When I was done with my two hours, I felt so much more relaxed. I have quite a few things on my mind, and they were just released from the worry mode. I was lucky enough to have friend over that night for dinner, and he was so kind as to show some techniques to photoshop my photos to look as good as they do on the camera. The sky on this shot was this spectacular that night, just before a cold front came in.

Bridge to Nowhere

Now that I am well, I forgot how great health is! I finally saw the film, The Lives of Others and found it brilliant. The Actor, Ulrich Mühe who’s life mirrored the story has since died of cancer. I can’t think of a better way to end your life after such a great performance. So, I reluctantly had to let an acquaintance/friend go after years of watching him repeat the same mistakes. I know I should be more forgiving, but with all his years of therapy he goes home and returns to square one. I told him that I will pullback until he makes a mature change in his life…even if it means just awareness. I have tried to lead him by the hand to show him the many ways I have found to change my life, but when he says that only I can change, because that how I am. I have often told him, I don’t share with him my bad days, or the days where it takes every ounce of me to get up and try again. Sadly, I can’t continue a friendship, when it doesn’t mature like life. I do wish him well, and will help when he ready to change as I have not abandoned him. Sometimes, life happens at its own rate, so you just have to stand back and watch. I really think there are more people I can inspire or help in the meantime. Recently, I took an older lady to coffee as a treat, and ended up fixing things in her home she needed done for a low price the same day.

Personality Test

I think our personality is based on all the relationships we have in our life in the past. So I am guessing that it is probably important to surround yourself, from now on, with people who treat you with respect and you can learn from. Now that does not mean people you can get something from; that would be twisting my idea. I think back at several people that keep on inspiring me who have played important roles in my life. They also make it known that they care for me, by either actions or words. They also throw some humor in my life, sprinkled with love. So now, I have to work on doing the same for others hopefully. I also am reminded of people that have played a negative impact on me in the past. They, in turn, made my personality a thing to work on…once I realized how it affected my relationships. At least I had the sense to appreciate where I have come from and where I am going. This post is dedicated to the Boy Scout, Mohammed Jaisham Ibrahim in Maldives who used his good instinct to save the President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom's life in a knife attack. There is good resting in everyone’s soul. Use your instinct.

Diving Out of the Hospital

I am still fighting bronchitis I got at the Vipassana and now I am convinced I am aspirating at night. This will make it nearly impossible to heal unless I get some powerful anti-biotics, because the one I am taking is not doing it. Meanwhile I am light-headed and today after seeing the film "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", I nearly fell down while walking down stairs. I am losing my balance with the congestion and even though taking a decongestant it just doesn’t seem to be working. I have been wanting to see that film since I heard it was being made, as it, in some ways parallels my life. The big difference is I was able to far surpass my original diagnosis of not being able to ever walk, talk, eat or communicate. I was far luckier than he(Bauby) was, and my brain stem injury healed way quicker than anyone imagined. I do have to thank those around me. My Mom saving from a tracheotomy, and my brother being smart enough to get me paper and a pencil and later a walkman. I remember with no voice, full of tubes and eager young MD’s coming into the room and saving they just have to do this one small cut and it will heal and can be reversed. I was shocked, because I thought the trama was over with the damn stomach tube which was no piece of cake. Back to the film, it is interesting how the human body/mind can compensate if you just let go of outcome. He slowly enjoys the subtle beauty of life seen through one eye, and communicates his rebirth through a book about it dictated to his secretary. There are some great moments that remind me of my own hospitalization, and the awkwardness of other people trying to talk down to you. His memory and imagination bloom when he finally accepts his fate. Allowing him to imagine what he wants, sometimes a great meal, in near perfect play like reality. I almost forgot my 6 months of drooling until I saw this film reminding me of my dignity being compromised way back then. I remember a Dr. chastising me for drooling all through the neuro rehab, so I just hoppled out the door outside. I laid myself outside in the sunny grass, listening to Meshell Ndegeocello wondering into dream space in a nap escaping my hospital confinement. Go see this film, because it really heralds what is good about life, before the hospital staff finds you.