A Morning View on Expectations

I was thinking about writing about people’s expectations when I first heard of the shooter, George Sodini’s complaints from the news. Researching it further, he seemed to be very disturbed. It may have built up for years, combined with the family background and life experience. Whether he was expecting too much out of life or not we’ll never know. If I could guess, I bet you he has never traveled outside the U.S. Regardless, I do feel that we, especially in the U.S., don’t really feel we are lucky and privileged. Instead we want more and more and are perfectly happy demanding more. We want all the trimmings we see on TV. There are never any guarantee in life besides our upcoming death. When I was a novice in June, the simplicity of my existence was actually refreshing and liberating, so I can see how I could focus more on mindfulness and cultivating wisdom.

Reflecting upon this, I can still learn a lot about how I deal with my own life. It wasn’t but 24 hours later that I found myself, a bit agitated by the fact that people still don’t fully understand how my injury affects nearly everything I do. I write this, in fact, so I won’t have to speak it in conversation, hoping that someone will take this as a jumping off place to comment on. I will speak to family and they will say you sound good today, if I am standing and walking around because that affects the quality of my voice. If I relax and sit down especially on a couch it leads to a restricted diaphragm and does not help. I will meet new friends will say you just need to speak more, etc. Uggh!

I have a collapsed palate, which causes my air during speech to come out my nose. Combined with being totally numb from the nose to the chin inside and out, it makes for a hard time to physically remember how to say a word. I can scream, and lift it partially, but if I speak quietly it is coming out my nose and totally exhausts me. Kind of like being winded, but all times using a new area of the brain for speech, so “girlfriend” it ain’t pretty. For some words it sounds pretty good out of the blue, maybe because I just heard it, or it accesses some untapped memory of speech. Then quickly it deteriorates; so just let me say learning a new language would be a miracle. But with all this said, it or should I, is not all that bad. I just be more quiet when things are difficult or when others don’t understand. My silence is not because I don’t have anything to say. It may mean that it may be too complex and wordy that I can’t figure out how to whittle it down to simple speech that I can say with ease.


I should not expect people to understand the complexity of speech and what for me now is the miracle that make speech possible. I have seen specialists for surgery who did not recommend a correction that would only introduce complex snoring problems. And I won't go into details about the other side effects of brain injury that also cause speech difficulties. So, don’t worry I will not pull a Sodini. Instead, I can perhaps gather some practical wisdom of not expecting understanding from others that even took me years to grasp. I have quickly realized, I am by no means unhealthy or unable deal whenever I see someone in a wheelchair or crippled. I am rich with love from my partner and family and friends. I am extremely lucky.

Decorating or Depression?

So they say 10% are homosexual supposedly and now 10% in the US are on anti-depressants! The huge shrinking sane population… does that mean if we are not decorating we are depressed? Do you think your Doctor really cares in the 6 minutes max when get when we visit? If they really cared they talk about other ways to help with depression. Like exercise, eating a balanced diet and sleep. Don’t forget about meditation to look deeply at your expectations in life as to what you think is supposed to make you happy. I would say turn off your TV. Don’t compare yourself to others that may have more than you do or appear happier. We are stuck with same problems as others, but usually manifesting when we don’t like them to. Do you want to live in peace? Just work on understanding your mind, and the impermanent nature of life. It doesn’t mean becoming anything but more acutely aware of how we think and deal in life. I have some first hand experience taking antidepressants not for depression, but to help with my aphasia and speaking with more ease. It actually helped my speech, but the side effect of lacking emotion, a kind of flatness about life and a chemical feel in my body made me want to quit it fast. I have seen other friends on antidepressants and their apparent lack of understanding or investment in how others feel. It seems like the same thing that lowers their perception of themselves is carried over in dealing with others. So we can’t fix everything with drugs and luckily they won’t try it with my life-threatening, good taste.
Thanks to Chusak Srikwan's ox hide artwork.

Find Buddha

Sometimes life presents problems where you can see a clear path to absolution. Yesterday, while trying to complete this temple rehab, I was working with the only other person were trying to put back everything in its proper place. We were both tired, and I was about at my last straw of energy I could find to get this done. While working together with my other sangha member, he got a little too demanding as how I should do things. I am about as conscious and careful, as you will find. I got a bit upset, and instead of getting angry, I just said I will leave it all to you and just go and home and rest. And got my things and walked out. Now, I knew he is just as tired or more so than I. By leaving him, I may be right in this instance but and what price? Leaving him to do it all alone when he has done so much? I walked around the block. Went straight to the best place I could find ice cream and bought us a pint to share and while they were packing it, saw his texted apology. I did not really deserve or want this. I wanted more for this job to be done for both of us. Enough to come back and say we need an award, "Let’s eat ice cream!" We worked until 10 pm with no dinner, but in this time I found a little more wsidom tucked away in me.

Arms Away

Right now, I could use a few more arms! I jumped back into helping paint my Buddhist temple, and being fairly large...I am wiped out. I am always amazed that I can keep this up with jet lag and a brain injury. But I can see light at the end of this...and time to conjure up some new posts.

One thing I noticed while traveling is that I saw people engrossed in their IPhone and Google Maps. Sure, they might have the most direct route, but getting lost is one of the the great experiences in life. It often leads me to new favorite places that are not pre-planned. At least allowing me to live in the moment with all its smells, sights and wonders. Instead of peering at a small screen with head down, while your mom with a map says, "Are you sure that's where it is?"

Bangkok Stories

Like all Bangkok stories, this will sound familiar. Going with a friend to see another wat on my list that ended up being closed. My friend instead of getting mad or upset he asked me if I had seen Wat Kanlayanamit before. It was near the closed wat. I replied, no meanwhile touring the kutis of the monks on the way out.

I thought I had been to it before, churning the memory wheel…I had, but that was two years ago and there was a huge festival during Chinese New Year, so I only got as far as the two Chinese pagodas out front close to the river. Walking in from the back, after a stroll through narrow lanes between houses, we came first to the small wihan(see photos at bottom) that has redone beautiful murals from King Rama the III, and gilded lacquer doors.

On top of that it has great ceilings outside, too. That was a treat, until I saw the huge Buddha in the subduing mara in the main Wihan, which was a nice surprise. Built as a gift to King Rama III with this huge Buddha similar to one in Autthya. I thought it must be stone it is so large, but in fact was cast on May 18th, 1837 by Chao Phraya Nikornbodin (Toah Kalayanamit) with a donation from King Rama III. There are also nice tiled gables, and a lot has been redone. It looks like they are trying to replace the huge sandstone pavers outside soon.

There is always merit to be earned by supporting the repairs of these temples. Kalayanamit means true friend or good friend and I hope it is the beginning of a good friendship with the friend who took me there.






As a flew back on the plane one moment out of thousands came to mind. One day, I went to 7/11 to get some water and ran into a monk and he started talking to me of all the people there. We jumped into a conversation, quickly right there, once he got past my voice. He had been to US, and California and stayed in…of all places, Las Vegas.
This lead to my obvious question, “Why there?”



He replied it was where my lady friend lived who paid for his trip. She met him there in Bangkok, and paid for a trip to see the west of the states. She has since sent her son to be a novice for two weeks and has turned out to be a good son. He told me that the best we can do as wise people is help our aging parents until they die, so they die in peace.



Our parents had given up a lot to bear us and clean up after us, and this is how we have to pay them back. The merit alone will help make our own death easier. A wise thought, from a monk younger than I.

Remember you can click on any photo to enlarge.

The Rain Break in a Peaceful Afternoon

I managed to go out to see another Wat that I had on my list while my partner is busy with work and school. So, when a friend said come and I’ll meet you there, I jumped. I headed to Wat PakNam Phasi Charoen as soon as the rain stopped. Like perfect timing the sun came out as soon as I arrived. What a beautiful huge temple grounds along a Thonburi khlong. Recently redone teak pillars and ceiling in adjoining buildings. The marble or alabaster Buddha across the khlong is from Burma. Very peaceful, so much so, that I was amiss at having no time to meditate there. It does provide me with the desire to join their sangha. They also have a fair amount of nuns. Later over a late lunch my friend helped to coordinate the Pali cd I have with the book so I can learn it easier.























And just like life's unpre-dictability, in the cab the driver said, "LOOK!" And I got to see a horrible accident, and the young man covered in blood from a motorcycle wreck with no helmet and face down on the ground. It was ghastly, but more so, it was so disheartening. Because no one is helping him, and just standing around looking at him. But luckily an ambulance was racing past us to him at that moment. I did a prayer and told he driver to turn off his radio for a somber reflective ride in the rain back to BTS.

Are You In or OUT?

Editing photos and this one came back to me, just as it appeared to me at that time to shoot it. The lonely novice when everybody else is playing. He was a obviously gay novice(kateoy in thai), who was in a cleaner robe most of the time. I used to see him come check out his reflection in the glass widow of the on-site radio station, near my kuti every morning. I once told him that I am his older sister(phee saao in thai) when he brought some iced coffee one day, jokingly. It becomes obvious very quickly when you are gay, even as a young kid that you are not part of the world by societies terms. It was for me, it was for my friends, and it still happens now to kids. Straight people think if they just ignore it… it will go away.

They often assume the perception that we are treated as second class citizens is all in our heads. But there is a certain non-inclusion of us in everyday life, and TV is no help.
Now, we have made great progress, but we still have a long way to go. One of the goals of my blog is to put a face on gay relationships and gay life. That is not always about the party, yet we can have fun. It is about a movement closer to equality. We really share the same problems in life as straights, and are have much more in common than not. Who we love is not a choice, like vanilla or chocolate ice cream. And for all you hiding it, you are actually making life more difficult.