Misery Can Make You Feel Alive

Pratheep Kotchabua 

MOCA, Bangkok

Just back from my 6^th Vipassana and boy did it dig up a lot of self-created pain. The divided mind. One issue in particular which I won’t go into, because it is not really that important to explain my experience. Everyone has their own current problem they roll about in their mind, sometimes happy to gather up steam with normal every day problems we tack on.  I went sick with a bad sore throat, but with drugs to help that wiped it out by day three. There is not really a good time to do these, and you can also dig up enough pain to get sick while there, anyway. If you look for a reason to not go, a year can pass by without ever going. So, I went into the sit a bit exhausted and fought sleepiness in the morn and after lunch. I am used to this with my brain injury, pushing it beyond what I should, which usually brings frustration. I need more sleep to let the brain work properly with the new pathways it rebuilt to help facilitate these connections. New areas are taking over, not used to speech or movement. 

It was interesting to skate on the thin ice of consciousness while sitting, and would bounce back and forth. My arm would morph into a game board far from my body for instance and then catching it I would laugh internally while bringing it back. I would actually see the misery film projected outward that I could jump to escape my present task of body scanning. All the while I was stirring up my own hell with aversion to my problem, and then once bored with this flipped into craving food or sex or just a massage.  Both create pain in the body, which is a great mind-body link that you don’t have to intellectualize. It just keeps a subtle prompt to your source of misery. I spent the first 7 nights of sleep in nightmares of the unconscious unloading their tie-downs from freedom and my liberation. Several times, I thought I screamed out NO, NO, NO!!! both at night and while meditating but no one confirmed this when asked. Once seemed to be tied to the putting in of my stomach tube, so I could eat years ago in the hospital, which I took as torture after all I was put through, psychically... I presume. Yet was not presented as such, it came out as the unwanted chaos of my sister when she first had a schizophrenic episode busting the stability of her logic and brillance growing up when she helped balance out the up and downs of my father.

For those not familiar with Vipassana, you are watching(scanning ) your body for sensations: gross, subtle, pleasant or blank while doing sitting meditation for 10 days…working gradually as the mind gets sharper. It is not that bad, it is just work(awareness) and you get to see how you think constantly. The same patterns keep reappearing. 

What struck me is I created all the misery this particular time when I should have relaxed into a familiar setting with meditation. Am I that bored that I did this? Or no thoughts is not in my conditioning? I think it was just misery makes you feel alive, and being here out of the familiar aspects of home and friends with a new decision to make as I travel my wisdom path. I should be excited, because it is all new and not at all based on past misery…only thought to!

My reports are I feel more detached from my thoughts, a totally freeing experience. I have run into some Thai strangers who say I look clear and they could tell I meditated. Must have dumped some major misery. I am happy, but not elated...a relaxed joy pervades existence. Oh, and my problem never really materialized, perhaps it was a self-designed test?

A Real Experience of No Separation

Those that know me also know I had a near death experience and left my body and was happy to keep going....no pain, no memories(people and events), when a nurse noticed my eyes roll back while doing an emergency CT scan, and intubated me while calling my name to come back.

Anita was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and doctors told her family she was just hours away from death. It was at this point that she "crossed over" and then returned again into this world with a clearer understanding of her life and purpose on earth. This understanding subsequently led to a total recovery of her health.

Anita was born in Singapore of Indian parents, moved to Hong Kong at the age of two, and has lived in Hong Kong most of her life. Because of her background and British education, she is multi lingual and, from the age of two, grew up speaking English, Cantonese and two Indian dialects simultaneously, and later learned French at school.

She had been working in the corporate field for many years before being diagnosed with cancer in April of 2002. Her fascinating and moving near-death experience in early 2006 has tremendously changed her perspective on life. Her work is now ingrained with the depths and insights she gained while in the other realm. She works on the premise that our inner world (consciousness) is our primary reality, and if our internal state is healthy and strong, then our external world will align itself and fall into place as a result.

She is the embodiment of the truth that we all have the inner power and wisdom to overcome even life's most adverse situations, as she is the living proof of this possibility.

— Batgap.com

The Final Straw

In early at work cleaning up and getting things ready for a new day.  Acid Jazz, is playing on the music system, and after my first coffee… I am jamming. Up on a tall standing ladder the store had, where I often clean the upper windows, and ventilation fan from spots of dust so that they don't rain on expensive furniture fabrics. The doorbell rings and I crawl down the ladder to find who is there. For some reason, I am not disturbed being taken away from my work when not open for the day, yet. I see a husband and obviously his wife first in line, with the UPS driver right behind, anxious to drop packages off and have me sign. The driver’s are notorious for dropping by with damaged packages while you are busy, so you can’t catch and refuse them. And by the looks of husband and wife team, carrying their own box, this is not going to be fun start of my day.  I decide quickly to try as best as possible not to match others moods. Touching his shoulder, and greeting them with a friendly, “I know you are first, but let me sign so UPS can leave us alone in peace.”  Jeff and his wife Katy, smile sardonically, but I can obviously tell they are ready to pounce on me with their problem. In our narrow doorway, the heavy set UPS driver like a bull in a china shop bumps into them while going past and while leaving, after I sign.  Did he do this on purpose? So disruptive to any peace I am trying to bring to this situation, but at least that is one less thing to negotiate.

Even though I still closed, I invite them to come in, seeing Jeff’s eyes a slight bit teary with anger, and Katy is pacing behind. The first thing that strikes me is I should hug Jeff(but don’t), to help show compassion at this tipping point, before speaking to them. This is S.F. and most of my clients can handle it. Anyway, I could sense that Jeff and Katy’s relationship is more the problem than whatever product they are not happy with. One of the things I sell is high-end lamps with hand-blown shades, and I could see that they are returning one by the box’s label. Often times people ask me to describe the wiring pattern or whatever problem that they don’t want to hire a professional electrician to do, way beyond the scope of selling them the fixture. Well, Jeff did it the wiring right, but really Katy hated the non-returnable fixture she ordered. He was just trying to make her happy, and his embarrassment was turning to anger almost without him knowing.  The whole thing is unraveling in how they are presenting their problem, or my new problem when they open the box to show the damaged glass globes. What they don’t know is a business owner quickly learns all the tricks. He says, “Well, I got the fixture all wired and when Katy opened the boxes for the globes found them damaged.”  Katy is looking away sheepishly. Many times, when told the real truth, I work on making clients happy by putting a fixture on the floor and getting them what they really needed. First of all, the special ordered fixtures are not returnable, and second, I personally check all boxes before giving them to the client. This lamp is Jeff and Katy’s last straw, and it is fast becoming mine.

This dream came to me last night after that final body jerk when you fall asleep, and is not of real people but like many of the problems I have encountered in life. My compassion came through in this dream, as a first reaction, and maybe it was supposed to be directed at myself. Spurred by an impatient waiter standing by me, earlier in the evening when I just got the menu. This is hell for a brain-damaged person, and by me not answering he still did not get the clue, so I just deflected him to my partner to do all the ordering. I just stared in space and brought to mind that I will soon die, and this meal will never be that important.

My father one day, decided his final straw was the ugly 70’s wrought iron divider between our dining and living room had to go. The kids loved it because you could climb up it like a monkey. This wasn’t the reason…pressure, expectations and dissatisfactions with the world were. In a shocking display of aggression he went to the garage and got a small hand held heavy hammer in front of all the kids and bashed it out of the ceiling and floor anchors throwing out the front door in the yard. Not sure if he was drinking or not, but life with him had the same flavor. At first I thought that was cool, but still embarrassed by the whole scene. My father spent the next days, not apologizing but explaining why it looks better, while postponing fixing the holes from the damage…I think my Mom fixed them. 

I am still unlearning his way of solving problems.  Awareness is the key, and silence works well at the start of a feeling of frustration, because once you speak you are more apt to spiral into unwise speech. I will go on my first 10-day Vipassana of 2556 on the 2nd, just to work on the roots of frustration(weeding to put in mildy) ...based in my body, played out through my mind.

"A New Beginning" film about Theravada Nuns

A New Beginning from Emmanuelle Antolin on Vimeo.

When the Pigeons Come Home

Earlier, this week I had what most people would call a “glimpse of the divine.” I hesitate writing about this solely on the basis that I could never do justice with my description. I pretty much figure I can do the exact things I did that day and will not be able to produce the same results, based on non-clinging to good or bad. It occurred after a workout, and then a short meditation in the open park at dusk. And in meditation I heard footsteps that turned out to be a komodo dragon walking by my stone seat and up a coconut tree. Yes, I peeked and smiled at him. The awareness of “this state” continued even while on public transportation at rush hour, which kind of tickled me. I felt as if people could see through me on the underground. It was lovely to be divorced from the body-mind connection, and the free floating freedom from the conditioned mind that throws us into where are we going, doing next, worries or even body pain. I have had it happen as long(about 1 hour), back in 2000 when blessed by a monk in a Khmer temple on the Thai/Cambodian border that instigated my whole path in meditation and Buddhism. Speech is the easiest thing to quickly break this welcome change in awareness. The minute I arrived home to describe to my partner it just gradually fell away. It was strange that it was not an abrupt ending and signalled to me that this indescribable, and is best explained by relaxing all ideas of self to others in their presence.

Do Waves of Emotion Define your Existence?

I am in a strange place, mostly internally, and can exist all day without anyone speaking to me. You might think it my fault, but you don't have a speech disability which makes it hard to even speak my own tongue. Most of the time it is fine, but every so often some emotion burps out me in the form of goosebumps, and desire for recognition, I guess.  For instance, I could feel the prayers and wishes when I took these photos. I am not disconnected. Not sure if I create it out of existential validation or just habit of conditioned learned responses from childhood. 


Certainly, where I am now, only makes it more pronounced. Going “home” will not make it right, so that is not an option, as long as this where love is. If I at anytime do meditation I can easily relax out of with the real physical awareness that there is no “I” to please. In fact those waves subside quickly, amazingly so, even not being quenched and it all feels like a natural process. If I, in fact, can bring this into daily existence, knowing that I can never really arrange life to suit my emotions…I will arrive totally into my being(or be present). Talking to myself, “Let’s Evolve,” by not needing to bend my day around my emotions….eating, exercising, doing, not doing, ignoring, avoiding, etc. Dive in and examine each emotion as it appears and I think I will be surprised that there is nothing to them, besides natural bodily occurrences.

“Pleasure depends on things, happiness does not. As long as we believe that we need things to make us happy, we shall also believe that in their absence we must be miserable. Mind always shapes itself according to its beliefs. Hence the importance of convincing oneself that one need not be prodded into happiness; that, on the contrary, pleasure is a distraction and a nuisance, for it merely increases the false conviction that one needs to have and do things to be happy, when in reality it is just the opposite. But why talk of happiness at all? You do not think of happiness except when you are unhappy. A man who says "Now I am happy" is between two sorrows, past and future. This happiness is mere excitement caused by relief from pain. Real happiness is utterly unselfconscious. It is best expressed negatively as: "there is nothing wrong with me, I have nothing to worry about".” 

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Naive Blog Motivations?

When I started this blog, it was based on the idea that I had something to share. One, to give my partner an idea of what my motivations are. Two, was to help others find their way, and that it can be done even if one encounters the unthinkable with their health, and the deck of cards they are dealt. Like... just look at me, if this sad sack can take the ball and roll with it, you can too. It just takes a lot of self reflection in meditation and try what you never tried before...along the lines that if all else fails, get up and keep walking...towards wisdom, of course.

Well, my partner loves me and really has no reason to read this now or later, when I am gone, he lives by pure intention and the right now. He has no doubts. And others, my guess, either say “good for you” or “that's interesting” and go about their lives. No one will attempt any change until they have exhausted every option. At one's own time and direction.
At the same time I have slowed down on taking photos with a reminder I saw last year. I went to a house estate sale of a man who died alone, he was a tour agent and took many upper income ladies on exotic trips. His nice photos lay in boxes to be disposed of, and some young “queen” was picking through a few to find the outrageous 60's looks to hang at home in a campy display of past chic. In other words our past has no value, really except to motivate positive change.

"Meditate, meditate, let go of all those things

you have been doing for so long,

stop doing them and meditate!"

He(Bhuddha) wants to encourage and teach others, also.

But if you go and do that,

you destroy your meditation.

Don't stop to go and teach. Just continue your practice.

Don't encourage other people. You can do that later.

But it is very hard not to that;

it is very hard to resist.

— Fourth Insight, A Map of the Journey,

talks by Sayadaw U Jotika