Did You Take a Photo of It?

Thai street food for our dinner, old photo from past

Enjoying a dinner last night at an organic restaurant as a birthday gift from a friend and our main courses arrived. They were beautifully presented. He then said, “Take a photo of it,” since I had my camera with me.  I told him that my partner, who he knows as well, told me that to take photos of food when people in the world are starving is like bragging. Perhaps, in reflection, it would be like photographing all your money. 

My partner, as I have mentioned before, had a very tough life, dumped with some poor village elders who hardly had enough to eat themselves. In addition, he was nude until about 4, since they had no money for clothes for him. Food was scarce and they ate anything they could find, insects, snakes and rice rats were normal in their diet. Compassion for others grew out of his own suffering, his adoptive grandmother’s teaching and being born Buddhist. I then quietly reflected on the compassion I have learned from him, especially now since very shortly I will engage a lawyer to get started on finally marrying him. This is after 12 years and two honeymoons based on our own celebrations, and even having rings since 2008. Now, I have to prove that we have a relationship and have love, and we been evolving for as long as it has which to me sounds truly insulting. I will have to produce old emails, photographs, plane tickets and sworn testimonies from family and friends to prove its validity… and some cold hard cash. To do business in this world there are funny laws, and love really never comes into it sadly. It is all about money, not compassion. If I can’t take my own experience as use to strengthen my own compassion then really my life and struggles will have no purpose and I have learned nothing. And I can’t just let the perceived pressures of this process have any bearing on our relationship. Because he is worth it.

embarrassed by hard times

Turning a Little Against the Flow

After temple with the nuns the night before, I felt connected yet knew the following day could have easily been spent in trying to avoid self-pity. It lead to a hard night’s sleep, and was that not really nourishing. Just gives you a real clue as the mind-body connection. I am pretty much familiar with my moods, so I knew the best defense is to do something totally spontaneous. I looked at a non-dual site on the web in near-by city and I saw an event happening the following day. I went to bed without committing doing it, leaving it as just an option.

I got up early since sleeping in wasn’t on the menu and did an hour of yoga alone(my partner is still 8000 miles away, and planning on marriage now that the law normalized) finished in time, and jetted out the door to that event with no knowledge of what I was getting into. Risk is only based on the mental blocks to change and the unpredictability of life. Sheesh, I already lost a good portion of my brain so this was chump change of a little cash and an afternoon. I arrived on time, and met one of the people putting it together, then the man who conducted this event(did not know at the moment we met)it was looking to be a small gathering. Of course the awkwardness of fear was subtly boiling in the background of my mind, but I drove a long way, and it just silly to back out. I was beginning to just relax because letting go is just that. And I can pretend with the best of them. I was lucky to talk to a woman who sat beside me, who graciously offered some of her iced coffee, and I got the feeling that this will be O.K. I am always aware that in groups of new people my speech is all over the place, but nobody knows me. As usual most people are too afraid to ask what happened so I have to spill it out someway that I have a brain injury just to get it out there as why my speech is awful. This commonly happens at inopportune moments, and the frustration often shows. In a perfect world I think would start any meeting of people not familiar by standing up and spilling the beans so that there are no questions. Maybe once I will try this, and I think my frankness with strangers will enlighten them as much as it will allow me to let go.

Now, I can’t really do justice to this teacher’s method but it was based on awareness in the presence of others and the world, rather than on the cushion meditating with closed eyes. He had us pick randomly others to gaze into their eyes for like 5-10 minutes, and talk about the awareness we were feeling, to get us all used to each other and to bond the 26 of us. Personally, talking while gazing there is something that will give with this brain injury, so I was reluctant to speak. For most people, including myself, one let’s go of the fear of being so exposed quickly. I was very happy that the man who expressed the fact he probably not be able to stay feeling very challenged ended up staying the entire day.

As the afternoon progressed, it became obvious that the two gazers lose their mental images and quickly deal straight heart to heart. Mirroring the others breathing rhythm and tuning up each ones emotional state, which points to why I and the other man stuck with it. It also pointed to the interconnectedness of all humans, and led us all to simultaneously bond. Oh, by looking in each other's eyes, you can balance the hurt and difficulties that we all share even though based on totally different circumstances. And when we gaze at someone more adjusted you can then actually get some power from the other to deal with your own stuff, non-threateningly. There are no vampires sucking blood. It's a no bullshit way to instantly build a connection, all guided with this teacher's knowledge. Ironically, this is what is what I purposed to a friend a few months ago that we should stop getting together as two bubble heads talking about ourselves, with the hopes of having some gasses escape and instead meet and not talk, and just let our hearts speak. 

By the end of the 5 hours when we had looked into most people’s eyes we took this enhanced state outside for a walk around the neighborhood. It felt like walking meditation that instead of looking 5 ft ahead of you on the ground, you examined trees, flowers and bushes. A half-hour of it was kind of magical, but hunger took the forefront of mental state and I found some blackberry bushes and plum trees on vacant property to forage. It had been about 8 hours since I had my morning vegetable shake, and my stomach was growling. The day’s experience was very interesting, especially seeing the fear creep in and disappear out the same mind, allowing us to enjoy the closeness and meditative qualities. 

Are You Trying Too Hard?

I sat down to meditate an hour with some exhaustion showing up. My eyes teared, not out of sadness, but out of tiredness. Am I tired from the day, or from trying too much? Certainly with a brain injury, exhaustion can show up at any time, but for right now what came to my mind was just the fact that I am trying too hard. I want a payoff for suffering, I guess. We all try too hard to be something we are not, from something as simple as make-up or smiling to someone we expect to influence positively. I think at times I am trying too hard to be wise, knowing in the back of my mind that if I relax any thoughts of doing or pursuing this path…. I will just rubber band back into ignorance. I do know that not imbibing in alcohol has been as natural translation of the manifestation of wisdom. That came out not of doing or trying to be better than others. Surely, trying will still come up out of my desire to be more aware. I must not expect any trying to manifest in happiness even when it is subtly masked as an undercurrent of wisdom. I know I am trying too hard to wash out the bad experiences in my life that made me into who I am…. or at least expose them in the hopes of beginning a new happier life. 

I have recently restarted my Mozart Brain Lab, because we did my sessions too fast in the past, and did not see much improvement in speech. In reflection about this, I said to a friend recently that if I never get any better in speech, I am totally fine with it, because I know that it will not change my life. I am not thinking the same way about my wisdom goals, because I am still expecting it to change my life. I want something still, and hence I am trying too hard. Am I dressing up desire to play itself out as a dance of wisdom? Certainly this wisdom path has brought out my natural ability to help others ten fold, but also exposed the selfishness that came out of hurt and difficulties. I know I can’t expect my life to really have any more meaning to me or to others…it just happened and will continue its normal course…with wisdom or not. I am just a tiny bit more aware, and that is about it.

Energy Fields and Modern Technology

When It Goes Dead Wrong

Recently, I went to the airport, and being in the last part of the plane, ended up having to check my  carry-on at the aircraft door. I did not throw a fit, just explained that it was a tight connection, so I would not have enough time to get my luggage before my connecting flight. I hand the women my boarding pass with my final destination, because I saw this coming on when our plane announced it was leaving late. I had gone to the counter to see if I can make my connecting flight and was given the other boarding pass. All this was done with a calm and polite manner not with any threats or disgust.

Sure enough upon arriving no luggage appeared and I watched a few people in my family get out of sorts...I used to be that person. I kept reflecting that if this is the worse thing I encounter this day, I will be so lucky. Then, I overheard another woman who lost luggage and not only did it have her medications in it, she was leaving for a cruise the following day. She also was calm in her approach but her daughter with her to pick her up was getting bent out of shape. Of course,  I watched the mind throw fear of losing the important papers and gifts inside my unlocked bag, I immediately went to the wisdom of not knowing until it is concretely resolved. The fear was experienced and let go of.

I could see first hand how a situation like war gets started, and the personal at this end had nothing to do with the mistakes or errors. One is so quick to share their gifts of anger and disappointment with others, and yet when things are good they think they deserve it and don't share the best. Last week I having a good couple of days, and made the decision to bring fresh chocolate chip cookies to personal at my gym, knowing they have to deal with displeasure often. At my acupuncture clinic, who provide me with a discounted day to get a treatment,  I found that their toilet was leaking, bought the part and fixed it for then free, saving them a $100 dollar plumbing call. I know my time is limited for this life and these small gestures will plant a seed of happiness in someone for them to share. Isn't that what we want to experience? 

Oh, by the way the airline on the phone this morning inquiring about the lost piece and they said they will deliver the luggage to the house, saving me gas and an hour drive if I can be patient and wait until later. I said, "Sure and Thanks so much."

Sitting Wisdom, Puts Out a Fire

Overheard... a handsome young man talking about his first Vipassana experience to fellow meditators on the 10th day when silence ends... “I found out... I am less important than I thought.”

Do We Always Have to Sell Ourselves to Others?

I was talking to a stranger in a coffee shop, lately and came to the realization I was trying to sell myself…early in the conversation. Trying to get him to find something interesting enough in me, to continue talking. This was not a beauty contest nor was he a love interest that would spin this into a whole separate problem. I just wanted to give him a teaser as to the man behind the fucked up voice. At least the fact that he was a Vipassana meditator made it a whole lot easier. I was thinking while talking to him, that what we all really need is to shut up and feel each other’s intent coming from our heart. Our heart will tell us where to go with this anyway. Let’s all let the silence not disarm us but instead inform us as to the full capabilities of the mind/body spirit.  Perhaps a satisfaction beyond what anything most of us has experienced in the past. You can recall a child before he was told what everything, and fed with tons of fears would get a glow of intense curiosity just seeing a new person. 

Most of us walk into every situation with a face forward, one-dimensional approach throwing away ¾ of the feedback our mind/body is able to perceive all around us.  With check-list of everything we require at the moment, which is so specially targeted to our moods and past disappointments in life. This sets up a high potential to fail instantaneously if any expression or word is not to our liking. It is desire that screws everything up, first and foremost.

That will mean that we almost have to shut-up or least I think I should more often. You are your own master. Maybe that alone will naturally let compassion flow easier once we open all avenues for feedback that we are capable of. Truly, get to understand the world and our connection with others.