What will we leave?

I met with a friend yesterday, and over dinner I proposed to him to start thinking of his legacy. He had just returned from helping his parents when one had taken ill. Perhaps, that might give you something concrete to work on and for. Something besides work, even if it might be in a 'giving field'. When you are a gay man with no children, you often forget about what do you leave the world with. Sure, we have nephews and nieces both our families. We are close to our families, but as of yet have no children. Children help to remind you of a greater purpose. I am helping him to complete college, which will give him knowledge and a bit more power in a poor country. We are hoping it will also make his families life better in the future. As the first person in his village to go to college that alones gives him much respect. He inspires his nephews to continue school. I was thinking of working for an NGO helping other poor people when he finishes his degree, but I will see how things progress. Together, we were upset with how bad off children are in Cambodia (to help, see Streetfriends link). I will let him decide about this, and it depends if he goes on to a master’s degree. Trusting his judgment, we will work on our legacy together.

Ouch!

Oh, what a crushing feeling! They had better get it right with Iraq. We are producing more enemies than we had when we started. There is, contrary to Bush’s latest promotion, less than 10% Al Qaeda are fighting the troops in Iraq and they just started there in 2003-2004. Most, if not all, Iraqies dislike them because they would tell them what to do and how to live. Not understanding history and the culture will be our downfall in Iraq.
Now, take this down to our home turf. We are more and more divided in he USA based on our differences…and our love of money. We will sell our soul for money, and we will kill everything beautiful to make a buck. If we take time and think about our children and what they will have left in the world, we might support our dwindling natural resources, parks, and our heritage. If we try to leave a more beautiful world than we have right now, our children will be proud and our soul will rest easy in the future.

Conehead Not

I waste time, on occasions trying to think of what to write here. Oops, here it comes...coffee just kicked in! I do feel that we often put on the dunce cap when it comes to understanding others. It is very difficult to put yourself in someone’s shoes. We want to fix it fast and get rid of the problem, even when our way is not the best way for others. It is very hard to assemble someone else’s life experience in our mind and then come up with a good understanding of their reaction to similar circumstances. So I waste time, and not have empathy. But I still cannot just shut up and let it roll, and let unfold their lives as they see fit. Do we often want to fix others to avoid work on ourselves? I am having fun thinking about life, and my decisions. Happy with the work I do, and the disability that has brought me down to earth. I met an actor over dinner who assumed I am not from here with my funky speech. It allowed us a jumping point to an interesting conversation, because I was not offended by his remark. So in some ways, I have relaxed, in other ways I would like someone to kick me in the ass and say go for it. Do the radical move I want to do. You never fail in making a decision, only fail in not making them.

Worry Hook

Are we hooked on worry? The same worry that allows us to make fools of ourselves when we don’t get our way. I am trying my best not to worry, and low and behold I woke up at 4 in the morning about my latest client’s job. I do want to make sure my work is done while looking at the big picture, but sometimes there are design decisions that are not done by me. These same decisions become my problem when they are not fully thought out. It amazes that architects even with a house remodel just slap something together. Thinking that most people won’t figure out their mistakes, like windows too high to reach when they could have started at chest level up. Or like moldings that go nowhere not knowing where to break a room. But my worry in this case is seeing the whole house done in my mind, which requires it to be on at times I would rather sleep. At least the client was happy, and thought about the same issue as I did at 4 a.m., as well. I guess I should be happy because we are on the same page.

Afternoon Cup of Tea

Working with a client now and she tells me she I make her feel more comfortable than someone else she interviewed. I attribute it being a lot more down to earth after my near death experience. Besides this, I am a lot more humble and work with people instead of telling them what to do. If they are involved throughout a project they become more attached and understanding when I explain my idea. She still is cautious, but I have assured her I will follow through until she is happy, as word of mouth is the best referral. I have also told her that I take my work home with me, and think it through, allowing me to get a better overall view of the project. I am still able to do other things while still keeping her house in my mind. Approaching it like a piece of art, finessing and fine-tuning, just like I am tying to do here with the blog. I am working towards a certain kind of casualness, like an afternoon cup of tea.

I did have a dream last night of getting a job in my old field of advertising in New York. It showed me the excitement, but also the awareness of the work I would have to do. In my dream, after much deliberation I declined the job yet felt honored. I guess I have come to know what I can do and what I can’t do with this brain injury. I tell my new brain-injured clients in my volunteer at the hospital to be more realistic about life and above all have humor with yourself.

No Black Hole Here

I am a realist, and so I was not too surprised when watching a show on PBS called Supernatural Science (Between Life and Death #104)) about near death experiences. They have proven that the feelings described like the tunnel with light at the end, and leaving your body are brain-orchestrated phenomena. I have suspected this even after having experienced it. I left my body and traveled near the ceiling and was traveling down the hall at the hospital when a nurse called me back to my body. It seems that the brain while in anoxia will be shutting down some items like pain while it develops this imaginary way to deal with an extremely difficult and stressful time. So maybe the Buddhist continuum of spirit may not be the parts of you left to seek attachment in a new life, but in fact, those remnants of you already left in your children or family. Your memories, your ideas, and your life force left to them to be accessed long after you are dead. Now, this is of course, my deduction. Take my idea with a grain of salt, but rest assured your brain will at the very minimum, work hard to overcome the stress of dying. So I will die happy, because what I saw was comforting and even warm. Regardless, this last fact follows quite nicely into the Buddhist teaching of rebirth.

Sands of Time

Finishing the book “Guns, Germs, and Steel” which was a three-month process for me, I felt accomplished. Since it first came out, I waited until I could read it. Books with fewer facts and a clear story are easier for my half-speed abilities. Now, I can still read complicated books, but it means no noise or distractions and a lot more time. Ten years ago I would have never been able to read this, so I’ve come far.
Today, I signed some photograph prints I took back in 1988, reminding me of the sands of time. Hoping that they will be discovered in my friend’s estate way after I am gone. I can still remember exactly where and when I took these photos of a mutual friend. Good thing my memory about the emotions, I had at that time, have seriously relaxed. We are all still friends now, twenty years later which is a testimony to our intent back then. I helped my friend after his apartment had nearly burnt down and he needed a place to stay when it was red-tagged. In the process we got closer, and I helped him with a referral to a new apartment a couple of months later. So these photos document our past and point to some consciousness, as well as fun.