Survival not a Negation

Recently my Mom expressed some displeasure over the fact I don’t celebrate Christmas. I do give gifts for the family, but pretty much have abandoned all the rest of the trappings. This came about first by childhood traumas around the holiday and a two years preceding that, back then, when I got a total kick in teeth rejection from a new Christian youth group I had joined when I told one guy that I was gay. This all formulated a survival instinct by dissing all religions as exclusionary and hateful, so not a negation of my mother or her life. She held the power of love even when things made no sense, and left this to me.  It wasn’t like religion was forced on us, but some circumstances in my life besides that of being gay I had to toughen up to get past them and survive.  Not a wholly unique experience, but it was of course tailor made for my awakening and settling down to meditation and the Buddha’s teachings leading to more compassion. Learning to have compassion for myself, first and then develop it for others. Surviving was at times excruciating painful, producing tons of doubts and sarcasm about life.

Meditating later in life became a way of dissolving many of my delusions. The icing on the cake for surviving (written especially for younger gays) was meeting my husband who has further taught me naturally Buddha’s teachings with his own experience along the way. He also has remarked that few people when they are older… change, but that I have, of course with his love and inspiration. Combined with some powerful intention built out of suffering the outcomes of my former self. Use your mistakes to further your growth on the path, for they are so designed to allow you to fail and find the need to change. Fall down, get up, dust yourself off...and proceed.

Whatever Comes...Goes

A month ago, I wrote a long piece outlining my path as a gay man in hopes it would inspire others on the path. I realized after writing nearly three quarters of my life’s story that it was unique enough, not to inspire but to look more like a car wreck of twisted metal as one speeds down the freeway. So, in a way, the reader would not be able to see how the odds and ends added up to a need for wisdom in life by dragging them through my mud.
Most of the wisdom I have acquired is simply done when I transcend the mind full of worries, pre-conceived ideas, and a lot of anger. In my case, the daily sitting of two hours a day helps to see the anger and sadness built up that would normally surface at odd times usually unrelated to the actual circumstances. Transcending in the sense that you see what your mind is doing instead of reacting to things as they happen. Two hours per day, one hour at 5am and another around 7pm may seem like a lot, but one needs less sleep when you deal with things in the present moment.

The morning is hard one, to rise out of sleep, but it allows one to unload dream traumas, and thus makes the hour afterward when you crawl back in bed... very sound and void of worries. The evening sit disassembles the day’s toils and misunderstandings, which can happen for me with others, since I have a speech disability. The payoffs are not immediate, unless you have subtle recognition, but can be more pronounced after a year. I want to encourage the reader to sit even if it is only if for 10 minutes a day, and feel free to find someone who resonates wisdom for you.

Karma Exposed when Serving

I recently served a 20 day Vipassana course, and it quickly became obvious..under the work load and meditating three separate hours a day…that my karma dictates a sense of abandonment from others that don’t do the same amount of work as I. Before I arrived I had asked for a position running the dishwasher, but when a non-english speaking person came later he was given the job, and I was switched to dining room “manager,” even though it was pretty much a solo position. Which under the circumstances I fully understood, but walking an average of 7 miles a day and working non-stop with a brain injury produced sankaras to rise fast, when a few people were resting or meditating more while I worked with a brain injury. Now, I am not saying everyone else slacked, because several busy people would help me out, but I not quite fully understand internally, why I should just accept the ones who do less. That is my karma. But with a few people who would jump in to help me, also inspired me to work hard for a week in my spare time... not meditating...

but filling the side of a cement walkway that could collapse by trucks driving over it. I shoveled a lot of dirt and rocks, to pack it in and it came out pretty good. So, anger was used constructively about the few who would not help me. Of course, right now you all are laughing at me, when I could have just napped and let go of any ideas I had, but this is me. So, this path is long, and it might take me a lifetime to let go of things, but I am committed. I was lucky to have fun people to help, and two great assistant teachers who shared many of their funny stories of their own path and they knew me. I still refuse to lay around and feel sorry for myself which has led me to greater healing, yet many have no idea of the difficulties I experience.

Mooji Meditation: Faceless, Deathless and Ever-Fresh

I know many people have a hard time sitting down to meditate, and feel that Mooji does many a heart-felt and realized guided meditations like this. Please take time, to pull yourself away from the net and other distractions. I know when I feel alone on my path his guided meditations help me. 


For those who want to get down to the actual meditation it starts at 4:50.

 

MANTRA - Sounds into Silence Documentary

“We all connect on a deep level that’s beyond personality, beyond nationality, beyond language” 

DEVA PREMAL & MITEN with MANOSE

“MANTRA – Sounds into Silence is a film about the growing phenomenon of Mantra music and *Kirtan. Many of us who know this practice will have made the experience of its deeply healing and soothing effects. As the popularity of this ancient Indian tradition rises in the west, more and more people are discovering the joys and the feelings of inner peace that this music movement is bringing to them. Now we want to explore this new musical phenomenon further by making this film and sharing what we find with you and also with people who are not familiar with mantras and chanting. Through revealing interviews with the artists, who have sparked off this new musical movement, we will find out what inspired them on their paths and how this influenced their music which is reaching out to so many people. Then we will learn about the music’s transformative effects through those people whose lives have been transformed by the practice.”

MANTRA - Sounds into Silence Documentary

Anger, the Greatest Imperfection

Anger came rolling in with a too little sleep and too much on my plate, even though I have been meditating one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. Perhaps there is no excuse for anger, but it comes with a brain injury like mine, especially when I don’t nap in the afternoons. It is funny that now when I do nap I fall directly into no dreams sleep and wake up naturally half-hour later. Ironically, the same day this happened, I got an interesting email with a article from Anadi on negativity, titled Purification and Transparent Imperfection. With some hope he says, “If the emotion is not too deeply embedded, there is a good chance of it being dissolved.” But we know when we share our anger, there are many repercussions to follow with those we love. I will go next month to serve a 20-day Vipassana, to work up close and personal on my triggers and learn to stop it in its track with greater awareness or at least diffuse it. I married the right person to not allow anger to be a part of our relationship.

You Are Determining Your Reality — Mooji

“When you make I a person, you welcome all the family. I will bring all the cousins, the aunties and the drunk friends.” 

For those meditators, you might like this better, an article by Anadi, Meditation: The State of Intimacy. 
Some experiential wisdom from me: If the choice or is reading about or watching a video on wisdom and meditation ....go for the meditation because life is short and soon one might be unable to sit down with yourself because the body or the mind will put up a fight.

More Wisdom from Ajahn Passano along the same lines:

Directing Attention in a Skillful Way 

April 2005

Learning how to meditate—how to develop the mind—is learning how to direct attention in a skillful way. Whatever we direct our attention toward becomes our reality. If we like, we can direct attention to all the chaos in the world or to the chaos of our own personal dramas. But we don’t have to do that. We can instead direct our minds to contemplate our experiences as merely form, feeling, perception, mental formations, and consciousness. We can direct our attention in other skillful ways as well—toward objects that soothe the mind and conduce to peace and clarity. It’s simple: We can incline the mind toward what is wholesome or what is troublesome. The choice we make is up to each one of us.