Wisdom, Caught Me Blaming

A Galle Sweep

When I wrote Trusting Again ...to Resolve Old Issues, I wove my father’s influence into the story, when in fact the whole experience had nothing to do with the past. It may have made it interesting, but it was made up as far as his influence, but not what occurred. He never came up, and although I learned some of my reactions from him this was about as far removed from anything he said or did. Instead of just living things as they are, and learning from them… I deflected. Of course, one of the precepts addressing false speech combined with my natural wisdom, it began to feel like I need to address this before moving on. Blaming others, will never produce the wisdom I so desire, so this was announcing its ignorance in a kind of achy way. Ironically, that is when I came upon a great Dalai Lama quote, “When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” Perhaps, I was ready to listen. 

Siddharta
shows me his Yoga moves

 Hopefully, I can now proceed with the wisdom that everything that I encounter and thus experience is my own doing. In the case of that Tuk-Tuk driver, I ignored early signs that he was not truthful hoping for a local connection while there that could help me with my decision to buy or not. He did serve a purpose to steer me away from buying there and for this I am grateful, but it certainly was not his intention. As we travel through life regardless of how many family members and friends we have we are really solo... and at times it can be more pronounced. So, I ought to use that time to really feel things out and let the wisdom naturally come to the surface. Any sadness I had about the outcome was first built around pity for him and then feeling alone again with my decision. This probably led me to blame. Still running for that wisdom bus.

Bambi Bus

What Ever Happens — Make Your Soul Smile

Trusting Again... to Resolve Old Issues

I took upon myself to try to help a poor Sri Lankan man, living in a shack on his parents property. I was warned by other Sri Lankan friends in the hills, and by a monk in Matara, ten years ago that 20-25% of people in the south are bad. So, I had clues that it may turn out bad, by his previous small lies, but I figured I would put a limit and watch out. Cautiously stupid...to put it jokingly. To give him a chance to redeem himself, knowing that I would have spent the same amount on myself anyway in travel. I figured he would use it on his Trishaw loan anyway, regardless of what he told me, and I was aware of how much gas costs, and his low profit margin especially now when it was low season. His loan stills needs to be paid, and it is not like it was going in the wrong places...like drinking. It could be considered a tip, by me anyway, because I used him for three weeks. I won't go into details about what tipped me off about the driver, but several occasions quickly confirmed and I cut off all contact with him. I even have him a chance to redeem himself when I outlined why early on.

Feeling Guilty because women do all the offerings, a Driver 
posed in this picture( not the one of the story)

Now, you would say why would involve yourself in drama? In a total reflective mindset, I think it came actually from childhood wanting approval from my alcoholic, depressed father. The trishaw driver and my father are not alike, but deep down I take these things on to make a difference...in someone's else's life. The driver has called, and texted many times over the last week, but I will not talk to him again, afraid of more lies. I gave him too many chances, but each time the real truth never appeared. And I hate playing this role, making it painful to see his texts. In comparison, I tried, but guess I really never forgave my father, because he never apologized for the hell he put us through as children with no way out. On a positive note, his life ended within one week of visiting me, many years ago, and we had resolved things enough to end well. I can still see him walking and talking after a dinner we shared, and he had some clue it may be his last with me by our last conversation and the way he carried himself.

I was trying to treat this whole situation like it was new, but there were tastes of it that smacked of unresolved issues. And always the clincher... expectations. Ironically, the first sign of lying was he started to call me "father," which sounded so insincere since his father was still alive. It could be from doing this trip alone, I wanted to make this feel less selfish. At least I can say that it was interesting and thus helped me prevent further loss. It enabled me to meet other people in this small town that did tell me the truth of land scams and various other incidences like how the hotel owner fooled a Thai businessman to get his beach property. It was a small price, yet painful, to pay for good information, and perhaps further unraveling of my past that I once thought was settled.

Paradise Unravelling

Residing in a cheap, no A/C, no hot water, older room in a up and coming hotel in the off season, in an almost remote setting.....puts a strange twist on your grip of reality. And staying put, more or less shelving the camera because it gets in the way of truth I begin to see life as really exists here in Sri Lanka. Surely, there is a part of me that wants to see and experience new, new, new in an attempt to obscure the reality of my up coming death. On the other hand, I will swim in dangerous surf every morning with no one around to rescue me, today walking by locals saying, "Be careful," while walking away from the beach. Half hoping that now is time for a tsunami wave, or one good shark bite ...because now is just as good any other once you have seen the suffering of others in life. It just doesn't get better when you are an emotional connected person. I don't easy disconnect with people.

Today, my room door had a small knock, and I opened it to friendly young man that works in the hotel to come ask if there is any way for him to get work in USA, because he is oldest and needs to provide for the family, and 10,000 rupees a month doesn't cut it. Plus he is worked to core and has to live on the premises, even though his village is less than 40 minutes away. It reminds me of working at a high end ski lodge when I was 20, knowing I would never be able to afford to stay were I worked, helping to maintain a healthy dose of seething anger. He was not asking for handout, he just wants to be able to work and earn enough. Later in the week, I'm invited to his home, but I have feeling that once I see the fact it still has no roof yet, it will be etched in my mind. I really have a great memory and it's the only thing not really fazed by my brain injury, so I won't forget it.



Behind the smiles here in Sri Lanka, there is like almost everywhere in the globe great division between the haves and have nots. Only here the corruption, double crosses( fooling people to invest in property, fake the documents with a lawyer, just so that they legally take it back) , and overcharges are rampant. So soon many people have put aside Buddhist precepts to get something little or something big.

This afternoon I took prints of photos I took of the women who make limeade with unfiltered tank(man made mini reservoir water). We (my Trishaw driver and I) gave them one to the daughter of a woman who makes limeade, and were suddenly asked( because I don't wear rings) if she could marry me and come to US. Thank the quick tongue work of my driver, saying I am an ex-monk to throw her off. Later when a elder monk stopped us to get Dana for his temple which was fine and it was only 100 rs. it was a welcome change.

A brief glimpse of radiance, happened when I got my haircut on this new year holiday, and I wasn't up charged 10 fold like they normally do, because he was an older barber with morals intact. And when I went to a village family for Kola kanda herbal porridge, when asked how much for two glasses, she said, "Up to you." Just reflect on the setting of a family of 5 in two room house, with not much else but love and smiles to share, reminds me I have to download their photos and take to them before I leave. Which shows the other side of the coin of my existence still not quite ready to throw in the towel.

Sri Lanka Photos of Fire

Buddha Contemplating Stages of the Body

A Fiery Sri Lankan Sunset

It Was Never About You

A boy patiently waits until I finish an hour of
meditation in the hopes of money

My friend in Tangalle,
puts his niece to sleep with music

School boy proudly shows his whites
had made it through a school day

This trip was another good learning lesson. It is to easy to feel like a victim when the scams are numerous, and everyone has their hand out, some blatantly, others very sly so much so they catch off you off guard. It was not that I was an easy target, but instead about the potential I represented for more income. Everyone is struggling to cope with rising costs, and to think that you are the only one is ridiculous. Fuel is higher price there than in Thailand. At times it did become more one thing to deal with when a brain injury can be enough. 

Stopped to give all the kids pens in Uva province

I did not shy away from giving dana at temples and taking interest in others and trying not to turn off, even when it became overwhelming. A couple of funny instances, like when the boy waited for me to finish meditation, only to offer himself at a price. After which it was the furthest from my mind, so I might have appeared puzzled to him yet showed some interest since I had just photographed him, but such is life.

Village Moms sell me kola kanda drink
 

Another time, when I gave dana at The Temple of The Tooth, and talked to the help, I got lots of privileges once they found out that I am Buddhist. I went behind the ropes to pay respect to Buddha. I got a special showing of a deck overlooking the lake, and when the man asked me if I am married…I told the truth about having a friend, and he then offered himself which became awkward, with his naiveté about gay life and commitment. But such is the truth, and a well meaning smile defused the situation, so as not to offend.

It became obvious more and more that when I felt put upon to immediately think of others, buying mass quantities of pens for school kids, and chocolate to give along the road and train tracks. Yes, villagers come to watch the once a day train in the hills. Many people were interested in me as a foreigner, and curiosity was not always based on need for money.  I would take the time with people along my travels to tell me about their life and family.  I would keep my spirits up by planning on giving gifts of dhamma books in Sinhalese and people then opened up further. I tried not to take my goals as first and foremost, and ended up missing things to be with people, which made the trip more real.

My 3 wheel driver took me to see his kids playing soccer

A donation at Nun's Vihara near Tangalle

A king coconut vendor daughter
enjoys the chocolate I gave her

When a tuk-tuk driver I met in Tangalle, took a liking to me based on my face being similar to cricket star and we bonded under these odd circumstances. When at times, I tired to clarify me and what were my desires or fears…. it became an instant wake up about this theme…it was never about you. What is in my mind has absolutely nothing to do about others perceive you. Some people may offer something different from what you desired, but it is what they needed. In many instances it is done with innocence or plain old curiosity. And even some might be just be a clever way to get you to part with your money, as can expected. My partner said something important to me after we got charged double for dinner, “So what? It is just money, and does not justify a bad mood.” My perceived suffering at any given moment is never worthy to be shared, and I would at times have enough sense to put it away and to think of others.

This was the same driver upon getting to know me, took me to a small Buddhist Nun’s Vihara just in time to see a van full of villagers bringing dana and their meal at 11 am.  And later cooked a dinner for me, things that would have been missed if I had my armor on as I used to do.

Siddhartha shows off his
Yoga knowledge

At the beach the waiters out of boredom would come talk to me, and I would it turn engage and share my knowledge about dhamma. So it was about their needs, and not about my need to just chill out, after going for three weeks moving around. The help would rarely engage in guests, unless the guests engage with them, so I had a new group of friends telling me about the lives and dreams. And I feel we can create our present reality even with suffering, awakening in the process(that took me awhile). I do see a huge change in my responses this time as opposed to the person that visited 10 years ago. I am by no means perfect, and yet can see the gifts of really being present with emotions even with an unseen brain injury.

A store owner in Haputale proudly stands by his wares

Land of Many Beeps, Ceylon

Buddha In Sri Lanka, Dickwela, Wewurukannala Vihara temple

 Spending a month in Sri Lanka, with few plans bordering around an old desire to find a house and live here. We know that dreams are meant to be broken, and after careful consideration of what is now available, and with law changes it looks like for me this would be foolish.I also had a firm talking to by a Sri Lankan friend, plus met a couple who's friend lost the house she owned for ten years to a Sri Lankan renter, plus all her lawyer fees here.  Surely I could rent here cheaply and walk away with less a stake. As a walking ATM unless I lived in a secluded place, I would be subjected to friendly inquiries constantly with the hopes of gathering some loose money I had. This proved to be a difficult harassment for a damaged brain with aphasia. I could smile and be fun too only for about 4 hours or less hours a day, then it became overwhelming input. If I rest and nap daily I could manage all day, but it took it all out of me.

 Large Buddha at Wewurukannala Vihara temple

My partner came here for 8 days leave to join me, and when He started back, I amended plans to see less, and settle in a southern, nearly empty beach resort to rest before coming back to our condo in Bangkok. I could stay another month here to explore, but it seems selfish to my partner, who likes to have me around for the illusion of safety. I can return next trip here, but the island is changing like all things, and with their new airport in the south, this empty place off season will be full of Europeans on less expensive Emirates flights. This resort is in the middle of construction, some parts show tsunami damage, coconut palm trees severed or laying down nearly flat and still growing. I canoed yesterday late afternoon in a long sea fed lagoon as the sole person, far away I saw a local  fisherman, I avoided his nets and let him be.

I have explored nearby, and might hop on a bus to see a bit further away, a quiet beach-port with a famous temple near the sea built to mark where a ancient queen came ashore after being cast to the sea. Great time to see now that it is off season, and with more peace of my damaged brain. Still when explained what happened to my speech, no one has the faintest idea how difficult input is to me, especially mass input that you can filter easily to wanted vs. unwanted. I would cease all speech and write, but it is hard to so on buses and dealing with getting things done with many things in hand.

Neither Coming or Going

With a little disturbance like when my partner left his IPhone on, and it chimed 5 different emails the night before at random times breaking my sleep, I awoke tired. I told him how to set it so it doesn't happen again, and then I worked on using this worn out feeling not to spin into further misery. Every time I caught myself I would say RIGHT NOW is the perfect time to use wisdom and went about my day. I watched how I presented my exhaustion, thinking if I can be be happy now it will change how I feel internally. Now, before you go why don't you just get a nap? I would reply that this is not always an option to life's misery. I had some things to get done. For the rest of the day, I helped several tourists go in the right direction, and even leading an arm to a surprised Russian woman who feared falling into the ferry. I noticed how this made her day, she was taken by a display of random kindness. I continued to smile to strangers when I got eye contact, and you know what the response was? ....A beaming smile, which then registered in my subconscious that all is well. 

Later in the day, I noticed a elder monk paying for water, and quickly interjected and paid for him. That took the vendor by complete surprise. Monks have to carry money now for buses and expenses like cell-phones, which I think is unadvisable because temptation is powerful. We then talked, about life and his path(or our path), and I grabbed his heavy monk's bag and carried it for him. On the ferry he gave a hand-made wristband died in the jak fruit orange of monks robes, with a bead inserted. He said he had been a monk since 40, and now 60. He was “jai dee”, and beaming kindness and wisdom helping others. I watched him with others when we split, the path when embodied can be that evident. 


Later in the day I took a wrong turn, and just went with the flow, taking these photos along the way. Sure, I first had the instant condemnation of the self as being stupid, but ignored it and just continued walking instead of turning around and back tracking. Yes, you have to laugh at yourself to get started as the easiest in road to wisdom,
I said to myself, this is somewhere new I have not been, and so what if I am late going to my work-out and thus late for dinner. That was only further excuse to gather misery into a pile, and then a mountain no on could climb.  If one watches... we make misery palatable for each initial cause, especially tailored for yourself. My partner called later, when I had found my way to transportation to say he had dinner already waiting for my return and “Have Fun!”  All the more reason not to carry an Iphone with maps! The only map I need is directly to my subconscious to weed out unnecessary suffering.

I found this in a new book I'm reading after posting above:

“Lucid and all-encompassing Attention is the only instrument needed, and this is attained spontaneously, by encountering the reactions of the mind appearing as effects to the challenges of Life in its perpetual movement. Therefore, in utter simplicity, we listen and watch, with our whole Attention, both our inner world and the reactions of the mind, as well as the impressions coming from the outside world.”

—Cioara, Ilie (2011-10-16). The Silence of the Mind (p. 12) 

A Well Earned Age Spot

All artwork this post courtesy of Bangkok Art and Culture Center

An age spot turned up in an odd place like overnight on my inside left arm, and normally I would worry ...but I think this one is well deserved. Recently, my partner was given an Iphone sent by his sister from Europe, from her new home, as she and her husband just got a new one. She knew he had sent milk for her boys even when money was tight, it was about time for a gift. He was all ready to give it me, even before it came in the mail. He doesn’t use Mac, but I knew as soon as he played with it he would be hooked. It arrived safely and he wanted to set it up and give it to me to take on our next trip.  He knows I could really use it with my speech disability, and the maps to get around town. I kept quiet, and helped him set it up. He uploaded his favorite Isan singers, and I linked my MAC to it so he could use without burning through his minutes. He Skyped his sister and talked to his nephews, and he was tickled. Now, he takes off for work with music on and sings to it around home, even going to sleep with it on. It gave a leg up with his workmates that he already spins donuts around their lazy work habits. His boss, knows how valuable he is, with his English skills and multi-tasking ability. Chatting in English on Skype to clients in Singapore, and on the phone in Thai locally. A little bit of my influence, but really all he needed was love and the gift of higher learning.I am sure you can guess, I let the Iphone go to the best man here. Now I treated him singing favorites.

I have been trying to say we need to talk, when we have time and all machines are off. We finally sat on the bed today, face to face and knee to knee cross-legged….I joked, “Ok, Let’s meditate! It is about time….”

He had enough bad experiences as a novice while he was poor and hungry as a boy, being the abbot’s gopher and mistreated. Something he did not need with his background of being abandoned. So, for now meditation is something the farang(me) does only. He is jai-dee, and has a good heart and like I have said before anything he does “wrong” is never done with bad intentions.

….Back to our talk, I asked him, “Is there anything more I could do to make you happy?” Putting aside my stupid niggling mind, you know the one that brings up jealousy and envy like bad heart-burn after too much pizza. He is a handsome man just getting his eye wrinkles, much liked by peers, workmates and friends. Oh, sure it came up last night when I ran over my idea in my head. I said that what the mind does, tries to spoil good intentions, and totally discounted it. My real goal was to give him all the freedom he deserves, and be the person who loves with no boundaries. He leaned over and put his head in my lap, and said,  “You have given me everything I want already, and you’ve changed from old demands and listed them. Surely, he cannot tie this to anything like my Vipassana’s nor does he want to know the cause of my change, but aware of it. He has been big enough to go with my flow and maturation over our years together. He knows deep down that his first guess of where my heart lies when we first met, still holds true to this day. And that can only boost his confidence. He said, “You know I have to give my Mom money, and if I had more I would start to pay your back for my college, and masters.”  He also chirped in that he likes his work and responsibility and is happy. I said, your Mom actually loves you, even though abandoning you at birth, she gave you to your “grand-parents” (village elders) who loved you and taught you to always give back even though they had nothing (toomboon). You have in turn taught her how to forgive and to love you properly. His mother went to his Masters Graduation ceremony, and a photo of the two of them, him beaming and she with tears running down her cheeks graces my shrine at home. So, this age spot came just at the right time.

Learning Habitual Patterns of Thinking

Having recently completed my 7^th Vipassana, one thing meditation taught me is to look at how I think.  What patterns are typical when I am bored, or having doubt. Maybe at times thinking happens to prove that you are alive as a sign of ongoing insecurity. We want answers to all our questions, even when we have not formed them. At best, I may be able to slow down thinking with awareness, when not becoming attached to every thought that my whacked out mind throws out. Realizing that I will never be able to solve every emotional puzzle I concoct. I know one thing that I for sure that most of my anger is misdirected sadness. And as I learn about my anger when it arises, dissolve it and with it some sadness joins with its departure. Some anger results in body pain, or is an offshoot of it.  For me, it is not important to figure out what comes first, but to examine how I think in the process of body scanning. Sure, a couple of times I was scanning my arm for instance and it would appear in front in my chest even though it was lying on my leg. Another time, I was scanning my arm with such focus, that my lower body disappeared giving me what the teacher said was a taste of impermanence. It never felt creepy, and signaled a more insightful mind when having relaxed attention. 

My goal is not to detach from reality. I do like to connect with other’s suffering to make me more humble and if I develop a cool detachment(a la James Bond) it would be a waste of my natural born compassion that I learned from my mother. While in a rush around town I passed a burn victim begging for money, and I turned around and ran back up the overpass to help when I found some money I thought I did not have when I first passed. I could see in my head….here is the dividing line to go forward in my selfish rush, or to return and help. I can’t possibly ask to lose my anger, if I continue to be callously selfish in my ways. Sila(morality) came forward as the best base to work from. Right Action will slowly become natural when you connect with others recognizing yourself in them. I think it is important to note that my sadness since childhood that I could access easily has really dropped off without losing any of my compassion. A real evening out of my personality. This all comes from watching my anger, and if I can watch when off the cushion in every day life I will experience more peace. Of course, I am not done and totally fixed, but I have real clear signs that this path is productive in understanding myself. In my unique way with my own wisdom.



“If you don’t understand your own thinking, whatever you do think has little meaning. Without knowledge of your own biases and the impediments of biological or personal prejudice, without understanding your fears, your hurt, your anger, without the ability to see through and beyond them, all your thinking, all your relationships will be fogged or skewed. After all, self-knowledge is the basis for relationship.”

Krishnamurti , Jiddu  (2010-07-29). J Krishnamurti Relationships To Oneself, To Others, To the World (Kindle Locations 71-74). Krishnamurti Foundation of America. Kindle Edition. 

An Unforeseen Payoff

He said, “You love me like my grandmother,” with his eyes showing a small gloss of water around the rim, while he laid his head in my lap. She was not his real grandmother, just a village elder who took him in when his mother abandoned him soon after his birth. This is probably the highest compliment I could ever earn and had never appeared until recently. Not that we did not have love before over these many years, but this one I really had to earn. My partner lately, instead of commenting on my change, has been doubling up on saying he loves me just to make sure I know it. The last two months were for me a bit difficult, and yet provided me unplanned expansion of my consciousness inwardly(anicca, dukkha, and anatta realized within myself). My changes over the years were really based on the desire to learn from him, a kind soul, who had evidently had a harder life than I. Fighting the need constantly to explain all my pains I started the path prompted by his love. I never quite knew the how it will all transpire. For me it took sitting down with myself over many years, seeing how I think and learning to love myself. I have had long-term relationships in the past, but always seemed to be looking outside of myself for solutions for my happiness. Tired of lining things up to secure happiness. And I learned that no one could ever live in another’s shoes.

It is true that there is never really a relationship with another person, it is more about your relationship to yourself. The other my prompt good or bad feelings your mind brings up, but they aren’t really responsible for how you feel. That is your clue to let go, and love them exactly as they are. Over the years I had to let go of my ideas of best to proceed with his education and just support him. Lately, he took on a research project for money, undercharging the other students who were his clients. I had to just let him do it, and sit back enduring his late hours and missed time doing things together.  Throwing out ideas of how it should be was my lesson allowing him more freedom to live his life.  Several wisdom things the last few months have come to him at his rate, and not by me telling him what to do when, with apologies sprouting forth. Today’s payoff came naturally with the spontaneity of the moment.  My partner was told a few years in Singapore where he meant my brother who said that I am much happier since two of us met. That unprompted confirmation by an independent source was a treat for him and also bond him with my family.

Waiting for that Door to Open

No one knows what is next. We think we do. We plan, line up a job, buy a house and car, buy insurance, and sit back and relax.  Relax what? We stop wanting?  Ya, sure! Advertisers see that fully stocked fishpond and grab the reels. They plant some more fears about how we don’t match our neighbors or their models and that our future does not match their marketing goals. I know because I used to be an art director of advertising for major companies...beer, hotels, gambling, and computers.

We really have no idea what is next, and can live almost all our lives thinking we do. Why is that? Because, we have planned it out all in our minds. The future never existed but we think it does. It rests solely in our pre-conceived ideas of it, so when one thing goes wrong we quickly get disheveled. This is not how it should be. Venturing quickly into our well-known states of sadness or anger.  Funny fact is that few of us, when things go amiss in our plans really just crack up and laugh. We should, because most of our mental future plans are tainted with our involvement. We are not un-partial, bringing into every action our own unique history and conditioning. Then with no real answer seemingly as to why it is like this, we share our mood with others. If only so and so agrees with me on this, then I will feel justified and thus hopefully better.  I know I have in the past, often masking it with clever sarcastic humor.  Faked, and most everybody knows. Your body tells them so, way before you spit it out. Maybe when things don’t line up with our plans, as most things do in life ...we will laugh.  Or take a breath and even say we just ...don’t know. Then maybe that “door”  will then open.

Science of Buddhism: Instinctual Intelligence

PART 1

PART 2

Get Out ...Self

Lying down to sleep in the guesthouse, I collapse faster than normal. Rushing to a far off town to hear a speaker, I am away from my partner. The bed is a bit bouncy and soft not exactly the ideal bed for me, but it is what it is. Later, awakened by high heels clacking on the tile floors in the hall and the sound, not first identified as such jars me awake. Once fully conscious, I detect the quiet sound of older men with these women.  Quiet, because it is probably their last effort to find a mate at an advanced age. They can't fuck this up this time. These are not young men full of bravado whooping it up. I look at the time it is 2:30 am. I know too much now, and instead of letting my mind fill in more details decide to put on an ipod to hear a guided meditation by Mooji, to relax back into sleep.

Skating between consciousness for quite some time, mostly based on the bed’s poor state. Faintly, I hear a snoring.  It is my snoring, and I am leaving my body going towards the left in the room. I toss and turn as my mind wants to know what is going on. Noticing towards the right, in the direction of the door, I see ghosts moving. At first it scares me, but not conscious enough to move, I am forced to look hard, as my body is asleep.
It feels like the time when I came out of surgery, and could not wake up  out of anesthesia for over 12 hours. Who are they? Are they the ghosts of former guests, or a play on the noisemakers earlier? In total clarity, but still no less shocking …it is the character, that which I am or was(more correct), and the stories I carried about me. Obviously moving away from the tight squeeze that I had on them....escaping . It is a sign of freedom, and yet I am struggling in this dream state because it was everything I thought I was.

I woke up in the morning with a spaciousness I have never before experienced. A clarity void of internal struggles, of time, of location or of space. The self lost its stranglehold on my body, and there is some exhaustion from everything I held on to, as me in the past.  I am neither happy, nor sad having let go of all the need to try to please myself. It feels like sanity when compared to everything I believed I needed in the past. Mindfulness spouts more easily now, and equanimity is not like some far off ...ultimate.