A Great Closing

Monday, I was busy seeing a friend from out of town. Running around town, seeing museums. When we stopped at my house I leaned down to pick up 5 small lunches and soup left for me by my local crossing guard. My friend said, “What’s that?” Thinking I ordered it. I mentioned this in an earlier post. I did not need the extra food, and it would foolish to see it being thrown away. At least I could not do it. So I heated them up wrapped in a towel, and took off to find homeless to give them to. Within three miles I found people living on the street to give to. They were happy when I asked them. I rarely throw food away unless it is bad, knowing there are people going without all over the world. I have seen people while traveling without food. It was a carryover from when I was a child. It made for a nice night-cap to a great day, so I can sleep easier in my skin.

Don't Hitchhike Patience

Friday night, I found a post on Craigslist to go hiking last minute. I thought about it, but felt a bit weird going with people I have never met. So I went to sleep, figuring that in the morning I would decide whether to tackle home projects or do the hike. I woke up early only because it was hot and bright. I looked to make sure the evite was still posted, and texted the phone listed to state my name and that I would drive to meet him at the trailhead. My intuition told me that I felt like I would never see them. What if I don’t meet them? Deciding I would hike alone if that was the case, it settled my mind. A lot of things go not as planned and the sooner you are able to adjust the better. I never got a reply to my text, but thinking he might be driving there, so at least he had my name when he arrived.


While I drove there I picked up a hitchhiker, which I do whenever I see them providing they don't look scary. I vowed to, back when I would find myself begging for a ride at 19 on a hot, dusty, country road when that was my only transportation. Surely, there is that first hesitation on both parties… a combination of the hitcher needing it, and the wariness of not knowing if it will be ok or not. The area is sort of rural just like the area I used to hitch in. I met Ricardo was on his way to his brother’s house after his car broke down. He was about the same age I was when I used to hitchhike. Talking about motorcycles and driving just enough to make each other bond and put the strangers inside of us aside. I dropped him off where he wanted which was on my way, and he wished me a safe life and a great day.

Shortly after, I found the trailhead where I was supposed to meet the others. I arrived ten minutes early, so I looked around for people gathering for a meeting before taking off. I paused seeing two other groups and asked, but they did not fit the bill and I had no idea of who to look for. I tried not to be upset, meanwhile looking around until 10 minutes past our meet-up time. I saw someone with a worried look and eyebrows raised. I asked him if he too was supposed to meet for this. He replied yes, and we had he same contact phone number, so I had someone to join me. He seemed a bit nervous, but I thought it was he just uneasy until we find the people, take off and get acquainted. We waited around an extra ten minutes, and I just said, “I am going to go, do you want to join me?” He said yes. So, we took off up the trail, with me making small talk in hopes of trying to bond. I talked about travel, and so he asked about baggage allowances, because he was going to Japan. He got into the particularities of baggage and his fears after having not traveled for over ten years. That was fine, but then it quickly became obvious that James is a nervous person when he kept going over it. And yes, that worried look never left his face all day. He complained about the heat, the inability to meet the gang, and do I know where we are going? I took a deep breath, I jumped on the wrong pony. We continued, and while walking I explained things I know about the area, stopping to harvest bay leaves for cooking. He could not be bothered to even smell them, but said watch out for poison ivy! He just wanted to walk and get there. I really wanted a relaxing day, where time was not a factor, and fatigue is never apparent because you are in the moment. If I stopped to enjoy something or to photograph, he reluctantly paused. Realizing that I was not going to get rid of him, I quickly settled my mind on the idea that he needs me there and what a better way to re-learn patience. Every time something bothered me about his inability to enjoy this great day and location, I would take a deep breath. Not audible to him of course. When I talked to him I was kind and smiling, and with no sarcasm. Maybe he would relax. We finally arrived at the arch spot that was advertised, thinking that while eating lunch the others would walk up and rescue me. I was taking photos and asked him if he wanted his photo taken and I could email it to him? He declined, but never asking me if I wanted mine taken. I had stopped three different times, when other strangers asked me to take their photo with their camera. I found it interesting that when they did they only addressed me. Wrapping it up, I said, “ Hey, I am continuing down the coast trail and will hitchhike back to my car.” Thinking he would take the same trail we took up back. James said with the same worried face, “ The same old trail is boring, I will just stick with you. I have never hitchhiked before. Is it ok?”


Patience comes rushing in with a late package for me and it is always bigger than we originally thought. I said to myself, this will be interesting. He is worried about ticks and funny, I have right now on me! Thinking, I will enjoy this day, but I will also do what he wants, to feel comfortable. A perfect stranger that I don’t like or love and I have to treat him with respect. Pulling teachings from my Buddhist practice about Universal Compassion that I had meditated on the previous Saturday we continued on the trail. Walking another two hours in hot sun, we talked less frequently, his curiosity ended hours ago... but when we did it was mainly to reassure him that I know where we are going for the tenth time. One time, I said we are there, it all depends on your mind, to hopefully lighten his mind, but this went over his head. He asked a couple strangers who crossed our paths to ask them how far to next parking lot. The old me, would have said why don’t you just go your way and I’ll go mine with total sarcasm, but I actually felt bad for him. He could not relax and enjoy a fairly easy hike in some of the most beautiful scenery in the world. The trail finally got down to a branch, where one way went down to the beach and the other straight up a hill. I told him that the beach is longer, but who wants to climb a hill in the heat? He agreed and while walking down we saw a whale flipping his tale playfully while eating in the distance. I said that is why we go this way! I filmed them, but even on zoom they were too far away to really get clear. Arriving on the beach I take off my shoes to cool my feet in the ocean as we walk towards the exit to the parking lot 2 miles down the beach. He continued to complain about the heat or the distance, or to voice fears about the ocean. I just told him if he ever gets caught by a wave, the rip tides are powerful of course, but just don’t fight it, relax and swim only when the wave moves towards the shore.

Finally two hours later the parking lot where one should hitch a ride back appeared in the distance, but it was obvious in talking to him I could not say ok, see ya! And I really wanted to stay at the beach and meditate and swim, even if it was in my underwear. I knew he would stay not liking it, only because he needed me to hitch for him. Even though I told him it is easier if we go alone and it is better if you take off your hat. So I left my desire to remain there on the beach for him. And here I am with a speech disability, but I got right to the road and jumped up to first car I saw, smiling. Thumb out. It was a convertible with a lady driving not too unlike my mom. I said here you go and I’ll take the next car, but he wanted me to go enough, to ask her if she could fit me, and I had not even put my shoes on! So, I jumped in the back, and off we went. Bye, bye beach. She was nice and tolerant of his worry, so I just shut up. When we arrived at our parking lot, she drove us right there, I asked her if she wanted to join me for a beer, or if she needed money for gas. She declined, and I said thank you and off she went. Driving back around to exit I yelled, Thanks again!” James and I shook hands and departed, he did not want to join me either for a pint of beer before our drive home in our respective cars. I smiled as I drove home alone relaxed after such a long patient hike.

Buddhas are Everywhere

I was talking to my local crossing guard on a nice day, and she mentioned she also worked at an international school cooking for the kids. She very often gets extras that the kids don’t eat. She gave me two soups and a bagel and cream cheese. These kids eat well, because it is a private school. She said she would leave me extras whenever she has some. What a nice treat!

Meanwhile, my partner has been having some medical issues around his hereditary blood disorder. A close call when he was 20, and now it seems to have come back after an over the counter flu drug made him turn yellow after a two pills. Now he is healthy eater, works out, and doesn’t drink but this goes beyond a fluke. This is a sign his liver is not functioning well, so I said you have to get a blood test to measure your red blood cells. This will determine the course of events for treatment which my include transfusions and/or iron chelators. But his work health insurance is lousy and the doctors mean. I think they work against him, so he can’t depend on them to give him the correct diagnosis. So I sent money to him to go to a private hospital, which I have been to. The many problems of the developing world, people’s lives are dispensable. It is so hard when you love someone and you not right there when they need you. Hopefully soon enough I will be, meanwhile I will make sure he gets what he needs.

Yacht Naught

Earlier this year, I found a blog of a guy doing what I wanted do. Bingo. To sail around the world. Wow. Reading it I could feel the salt air blowing on my face, and time stopping effect of sailing. Even reliving the way your legs feel when you finally walk on a dock. I wanted to be there. And this is not on some whim. I have sailed a bit, on boats similar to his on a very difficult bay, and come from a line of sailors. Maybe not an old salt myself, but I am familiar with a lot. My father built a sailboat from scratch. I was thinking I could join him while in Thailand, because he was nearby. Fly to where he was, and join him for a month as a member of his crew. Mind you this was a shared expense journey, and has a daily rate. Knowing my partner would be busy with school and work my second month there, it sounded like a good idea. At least it did to me then. So I contacted him when he had a spot. To introduce him to who I was I sent him my blog link, and wrote him to apply for his open position. My blog profile mentions about my brain injury, and he quickly replied no, that I would handicap him. From his experience with previous crew members with less serious issues. What he did not know that I lap swim an hour, do an hour yoga, workout in gym plus stairmaster each three times a week. But now really all I could say is I respect your decision and good luck. So this fictional letter is to him.
Dear Skipper,
You don’t know how many times I could kicked myself, when I was 29 and vacationing in Mexico I met two guys who had a yacht. I went out for a day sailing with them after talking to them. They said, “Why don’t you crew with us to do sail through the Panama Canal, and to the Eastern Seaboard. And the next season sail from there to Europe?” I so wanted to do it, but had just taken a job in my desired career(at that time) that I worked so hard to finally get. After much consideration I declined and the rest is history. One of the many dreams to help speed my recovery after I got home was about sailing and to do the trip I had so foolishly declined when I was at my peak. Maybe a month on a boat, someway, to find out if I want to set a long term sailing adventure like yours as a potential goal. That dream kept me going nearly 4 years after coming home. But dreams change or evolve.
I do have thank you for not taking me this time. It turned out to give more quality time to spend with my partner that I would have spent on the boat. It is really funny how things turned out to be better than I would have thought. Happy Sailing.
Was Once
Things do happen for a reason, and maybe I was not meant to sail that time. But I made the choice in my head to not be angry. It turned out to be this time, another gift of love. Sure, I was disappointed but once he said no, and of course he would not change his mind. He had formulated an opinion of me, (right or wrong)that seemed like a logical move for the safety of his boat. I really can’t blame him.
Very much like a typical reaction from most new people I meet with my speech problems, of fear or disgust. The reason for most is unfamiliarity, or misunderstanding the cause. Or maybe it reminds them of their own passing? I have learned slowly over the years to not take it too personal, by imagining I am on the other side of fence. You know I was once, and perhaps in will happen in another life.

A Real Find

On the flight back, I settled in my aisle seat with an empty one next to it. Tell me the airlines are not hurting. I tried to read, but being too tired to, I put on music and watched the sun set on the Pacific. Looking around the plane at other empty seats, I thought that it was curious that they announced it would be a full fight. I guess that is American optimism for you. Then, my eye caught a glimmer down at my feet, I looked next to where the seats are anchored to the floor, and saw what I thought was a diamond. I calmly reached down to see if I could pick it up. At the same time I was already imagining selling it and dividing the proceeds in my head. Perhaps dividing it between my sister and my partner. The mind was on a trip, fantasizing, and it never involved turning it in. It was wedged pretty good in between the rug and where the seat anchor was, in a pile of dirt and dust. Like a carnival game I would try to pick it up and I would push it further away as my fingers where too big to tweezer it up. So I reached into my bag, and found my little keys to a luggage lock. I used it like a doll spoon to reach under it and pull it out of its hiding place. I was feeling very lucky which was a great distraction from the sadness of leaving my sister and nephew. I continued the mental calculation of size and potential worth as I brought it close to my eye. It was looking kind of dull for a diamond, so I placed in my hand in the sunlight streaming in the window all while maintaining my hope. Then as easily as I found it, it dropped behind the seat next to me. Clink! Lifting it up I peered under and saw nothing. I said to myself, why didn’t you put it in your pocket? Stupid! So not to look like a total idiot, I ordered a glass of wine,already spending the dream figuring I would find it under the seat on the floor after the folks behind me disembarked later.
I was drinking, and thinking, and waiting and waiting. I would vacillate between "spending the money", and cursing myself for dropping it. I even pondered the idea, that I should let it go, as with my luck it will probably turn out worthless. But you never know. Jeez, shut up brain and just relax. Looking between the seats to see behind my seat if those people caught my foolish move and heard the clink I heard. No, they were oblivious and in love…a nice older Hispanic couple. Good. Feeling slightly dumb, but still determined to get my jewel, I thought back to a time when I did find one, damaged on a cabin floor I was vacuuming at 19 yrs old. The clink that time made me empty the bag on the street digging through it until I found it. It was damaged either by the vacuum or the setting it fell out of. So much for tough diamonds. That one I ended up getting re-cut, and selling to finance my first apt in my city, when I moved here broke. So, back to the plane, we land smoothly and the folks get off behind me and I am trying to calculate how can I find it and not look like a terrorist planting a bomb. I jiggle the seat where the seat divides, using my plane ticket. Not there. Then following down where it was most likely to fall, and it was quietly resting in the same place on the opposite seat anchor next to the window. I quickly lifted the banding on the carpet and grabbing it, and putting it smartly in my pocket. I casually walked out with the passengers from the rear of the plane towards staring and curious, but polite stewards saying good-night. I got it! I arrived home from the airport to survey my new treasure. I put in down, got a loupe and quickly found that I had picked up a rhinestone. My dreams quickly vanished as fast as they just started an hour ago.

Now haven’t you had a similar experience that you build up in your mind as unsurmountable? And a year later when recalling the event, just seems trivial as a rhinestone? Approach life with some fore thought. Advance your mind to a time ahead when what you think at the present moment seems to big too handle. You will be surprised how easy you are able to move past hard times. I used this back when I was in the hospital with breathing tubes and doctors hovering around me with sour faces, imagining a time when I would travel again. And it came true because the real diamond is inside of us waiting to be found.

Blowing Away Impatience

I was away in Miami, busy with my sister and my nephew and unable to post with no spare time. I went with the idea of helping her while she worked by taking care of her son. I arrived a bit sick from the flight, catching a cold during a screwed up flight. I started out at the airport killing time meditating, so when the flight was cancelled and then postponed three and half hours, I calmly got up. Actually walked away in the opposite direction of the angry people in line for my flight waiting for answers. I walked to the next flight and did stand-by making it by hair let in through the closing doors at the last minute. I made it to my connection within three minutes, so I arrived on time as scheduled, just missing my luggage. I think if I were not so relaxed at the point where they announced the huge delay after an extra hour of waiting I would not have made a smart quick decision that day. That is what concentration does for you, avoiding the pitfalls of anger. So I got my luggage the following night, but I got there on schedule and just in time for a tropical storm! So my sister got two more days off, when schools were cancelled. This gave us more time to talk and do things together and me to assess what I could do for her and her house while not busy with them. I painted, trimmed trees, and did miscellaneous repairs to make her life easier. It was sometimes daunting because I never felt great, but I maintained an intention to do as much as I could before I left and keeping the complaints to a minimum. When I returned was treated to a loving thanks and the knowledge that we had a good time although it was way too short. It is hard to be away from family, but as I get older I get better at making the best out of it when we do see each other. The more I have positive experience of mindfulness brought on with meditation the more it enforces the need for it on a regular basis.

Avoid Being a Grumpy Old Man

Throwing down my arms, I settle into a patient stance when all hell breaks loose. A real ho-hum, whatever, look and feel, as if there is no other way to be…grudgingly. But no, really having patience is not—not putting up with it. It is an active mind constantly reviewing past mistakes and upsets to reform your reaction in a sensible way. A way to look beyond the ‘crisis’ moment to how you want to see yourself and the outcome after all the smoke clears. This is a mature and wise way to be. Surely you have met people in your life, and end up saying to them, “You are so patient, I could not do that!” You marvel at how things roll off their back, but never realizing all the while that this is an active choice to be wiser. It is foolish to think that we can arrange our whole life to be free of problems. In a brief ‘light bulb’ moment, I know that there is many more things that I will encounter without patient acceptance they can possibly destroy me or my spirit. So the more I work on the practice of patience, actively choosing to remain calm and level headed, the better. Then as the body slowly wears out it will be less of a shock, hopefully saving me from becoming a grumpy old man. It will allow me to reflect on the times I don’t and compare with times I did. I know one good instance where a careless truck hit my house and caused some damage. I remained calm throughout, never getting angry, even when I had to do all the work to get the funds from the driver’s company, including going there with photos on two occasions. The end product was cash in hand, having it repaired myself, the way I really wanted. All without stressing my body, which would actually hasten my departure. A few times I have reflected on this, when I get mad over silly things and remind myself, practice. And it starts here with patience with yourself.