Ringing in Dharma

I find that my sense of what I consider the world expands with my learning Buddha Dharma. In other words, my world expanded much beyond what I would have normally considered important to me. You know attractive people, and things I desired or care about before. It started just after traumatic brain injury when the natural evolution healing process caused me to look at everything in life. Assign importance to things, and change perspective on other things I would have in the past tossed aside. One important huge mental shift was seeing that others suffer, and sometimes much more than you in the present moment. Of course it meant having to stop comparing yourself to people much more beautiful and better off. This mental shift was instrumental in my healing process, and it did come to me like in a light bulb moment. I had to put aside my self-pity, which was so easy to fall into when ever I encountered exhaustion and still does now, but rarely. This is not to say that I was careless about our world as I was still active politically and socially, in the past. But now I see and feel more people I care about who I see and perhaps encounter in life. My actual caring circle expanded nearly doubling. I find myself talking to others when I think I can be of some help to them. I am not perfect, but I try to engage others when appropriate. I saw a new person at yoga that I could tell was struggling with the flexibility. He was a huge man, in both muscles and size. I told him you have to relax your ideas of being able to do it all right now, rest and relax and it will also help you dealing with life. Perfect the poses that come natural to you. Then I told him that before I even did yoga I used to sit on the floor and work on the stretches. Then when I started which was nine years ago and I still cannot do a lot of complex ones. I said it is great for getting your mind ready for meditation and will save your life in ways you never would have thought. My discussion with him included a note about how far I have come, from limping to my present good balance. And with my speech disability that gave it some real gravity to him. He said thank you and he was worried about his blood pressure so maybe I helped launch him in a new way of thinking.

Looking in all the Wrong Places

I often see the damage that self-hating does to one, looking back at my own history and those of some of my friends. Being gay there are few positive role models as you grow up. Often gays are not able to talk to anyone growing up. By the time we come out the damage to our self image is already done. We might jump on the “critical boat” of finding fault in others to make ourselves feel better. Worse yet, the self doubts that can cripple our pursuits in our career. But at the minimum, we have the nagging feeling that we are just not handsome or smart enough. Later we might mature, after having close relationships where that same self doubts play such a big part showing cracks. I am here to say, stop. One spends precious time spinning in circles when you could be out just enjoying life or perfecting your niche. You can never really be pretty or smart enough for others. Most people operate on an advertised ideal person that absolutely no one can every live up to. If we approach loving our partner with the idea that they will make us happy, when in fact, we can’t even make ourselves happy …we will fail. Work on your mind and love yourself first, even when society in most cases does not. Then proceed with a real relationship not based on demands, but instead honestly wishing them love purely. Love not with the attachment of what you will get out of it…that's wisdom. You will be rewarded with long lasting relationships, even if they might break up. They will stand the test of time, because you are wise and accept the changes that invariably happen.

Wait Not, Want Not

I was out on Sunday, deciding to go out with friends while waiting for my guest to arrive. I did not have a firm time from him, and I was not going to waste a beautiful day waiting around. So I went to Open studios in Marin Headlands by bus which is a hell of a lot cheaper than a car and better for our planet. Walking with my friends to see artist’s studios. I got fascinated by Walter Kitundu both playing and talking about his work and thoughts(see link posted). Stayed there about an hour and lost my friends, but it was all good. It left me with hope, dreams, admiration and it slowed down my fast paced existence. When he talked about watching and photographing birds and that they will let you know what they are doing. He also spoke about how standing or sitting quietly in the park the police were called many times on him. It got so bad, he had to put a sign by him that explained what he was doing. I was outraged and ashamed, but not surprised. Bringing me back to the idea that we are missing so much of what is good in life, by defining life by what we already know or fear. We think that we have it all figured out. In our little “me” world, where we originate the idea that the world happens to us, Defined by what we like or dislike. But if we just it go and view life with equanimity we will be happily surprised at how much less painful it appears to be. I rushed back to dinner with my friend, who in waiting at a bar close to my house, had met the owner of a restaurant. The owner had invited him and me to have dinner at his restaurant. Three hours of eating and drinking wine all on him! I tipped the wait staff and once home wrote a nice Thank you card, an often forgotten courtesy.
"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives"-Albert Einstein

New Neighbors

I am waiting for a new US government brochure on “Saving for Dummies.” Soon to be followed with a Health and Human Services brochure, "Sharing for Dummies." In a country built on greed and self-cherishing we were never really ready for all this. We are great at saving old stuff, even when we know people go without all over the world. It would be in everybody’s best interest to be more accepting and friendly to your neighbors and people in general. We may not agree on a lot of things, but when you might find yourself asking for a lot more than a cup of sugar. Sooner than you think. Wouldn’t be nice if this turmoil results in more kindness between people. A real dream that I meditate on to help me generate some compassion towards others. Wishing them to be happy. Perhaps, now there might be a backlash on technology, knowing it really entirely depends on the originator. Garbage in, garbage out so as to speak. Who do you trust? Looks good, smells good, but does it feel deep down to be real and from the heart? I am not talking about art and music, but the information that we use to guide our lives and give us as sense of well being, albeit somewhat false. Have we neglected our most important sense, intuition? Shouldn’t we depend on the truth we know in our heart? That all life changes, and that the only we can change is our mind.

Wisdom Blooming

With the work it takes on my mind, so I don’t end up being a grumpy old man ...I sometimes see my progress. This week one day, I went to yoga and arrived early to meditate a 40 minutes prior to the class starting. I had my eyes closed, so I did not see that my normal teacher was not present, and a substitute started class. This is how I usually come out of meditation, and hearing music I was unfamiliar with I knew it was another teacher. I assumed she was trying to get her IPOD list for class, but it was really what she was playing. The music was not a “death jam, ” but it was still did not go with yoga, actually fighting the relaxing flow normally associated with it. I tried to deal with it as best as possible, but with my brain injury could not figure out what was going on. It was bugging me, so I put on my own IPOD thinking that I could do it visually …but again too much input for my brain. I thought should I tell her the music sucks? I decided I would not, because it is arrogant and most likely someone else would. I looked around at several students that I know to see if they looked unhappy. I stopped doing yoga, and tried to just be still, but I was bothered. My eyes while closed were buzzing, showing me how much anger affects the body. I was doing my best not to get angry, but still? I am not happy? No, I thought. Or is just the wrong music? Yes, and it could easily be fixed by leaving. So I quietly put my shoes on and left, without making a scene or a face. The old me, would have walked up to her and told her the music is not appropriate. But not now, thinking of the other members of the class, they would have felt my vibe and it would have rubbed off on them. I would be spreading my anger and really it was just one hour, and I could do something else. So, I hopped on stairmaster until the class ended. Later three of my friends came up to me and said the music was awful, and they complained to the teacher. She said, “It is my playlist.” And one friend even went to the management and complained.
My friend later said, “You left.” I did not say to her that complaining does make one happy, but thought of it in relation to me. The process of letting go of trying to control the outside world is one I have to practice every day. I have to also reflect on my errors while in meditation, because I will forget often. But this one instance showed signs of anger slipping and wisdom’s potential.

My Bailout

Walking home, I came across two trash cans that where blown out into the street and picked them up and put them back on the sidewalk braced by a pole. A car drove by and the man inside driving it yelled out, “You’re a good man!” Flattered and surprised, I said, “Thank you” and continued walking. I made me think, not about me, but whom in my life I could say that to. Immediately, four friends came to mind. This is not discounting my partner who to me is a firmly placed as exceptional, so I can put him aside in my thought wonderings. I have at least four good friends who without ever saying it always project an intention to love and care about me. I have more good people in my life, but these shine. They can be miles away, and I still know where their intention lies. This known intention allows me to have strength when the chips are down or when hard decisions have to be made. They are part of my bailout, which also includes mediating, that I use to combat any self-pity or worry. My bailout does not repackage old fears and mistakes and resell them to my friends.

A Swearing In Smiles

I went on Monday to watch a friend's swearing in ceremony to be a US citizen with 1077 others from around the world. While I set up to photograph from above, I stood up from my seat and a Chinese man took it. It made no sense, because he had to sit directly behind my ass, and I wasn’t very far from the seat in front of it. I used my Buddhist practice to let go and not yell at him and took the one next to him. It was a conscious effort as usual. Then I proceeded to talk to him about cameras, some small talk just to clear the air especially for me. The ceremony unfolded, the guy from immigration was entertaining with his address and his ability with at least 5 languages. And I thought there were no signs of intelligent life with the current administration. Then we had to watch two “B” hallmark style films about immigration, then the killer of the whole morning: Bush’s address looking sadly like a worried Alfred E. Newman. Next was the swearing in, proceeded with the roll call to stand up by each country A to Z. Of course China was #1, and Mexico #2. The oath was embarrassing to me with the request to bear arms for a now corrupt government for illegal war ("....so help me God.")
I really had to relax, but was rewarded when I saw the lines and excitement for Obama and the Democratic party registration table outside afterwards. Two pathetic, unhappy WASP women ran the Republican table with very few visitors leaving them very grumpy. I took photos of multi-raced people posing with the Obama’s life-size photo cutout. The atmosphere was so happy and charged up that I even photographed a woman when she did not have a camera with her and wanted a shot. I emailed it to her. Seeing all this made my proud to be an American again.