In Reflection: Tossing Out Mental Unease

I’m on my 7th month of meditating a minimum of 30 minutes per day, and yesterday did 45 minutes at the gym before yoga. I have been meditating for years, but not as regularly as this in my life. I have moved way past being annoyed by people talking, banging weights, jump roping, etc near me. At first I would hone in on the disturbance, but months into this practice I realized that whatever happened, even mundane gossip near me was not worth my mind going there…it was all empty. I can easily get relaxed after quickly “downloading” any currents fears and worries. And after six months have been able to on many occasions getting to a place where my mind seems like a blank, black canvas seeing the space between thoughts or no thought. It has actually helped me in yoga, to synchronize my breathing in yoga, holding poses with a more relaxed breath. It also can laugh at myself more, and while sitting in front near a mirror laughed at this old guy(me) doing these poses. My mediation practice brought me closer to the others in the room, and allowed me to more connections and friends. I’m more consciously aware of others suffering, even being minor frustrations. In listening to their breathing, or sharing some common bonds with them.

After class, a fellow classmate and I bumped into each other in the locker-room, I joking made it more pronounced, and he turned around and gave me a hug. It was not at all sexual in nature, but much more just a friendly way of saying, You’re OK, and I don’t feel threatened by you. We have talked over the last three years, so we friendly in the gym and share a few friends in class. I do hope that as time goes on, and my practice gets deeper that I connect more with people in such a way. I have had more people come to me, or warm up to me since I have been meditating. A sign that I have reduced my self-concern, and worked out some of my mental unease kinks that would normally have shown up in body language. I become more and more aware of what was once a path to help myself is now allowing me to more beneficial to those around me. By quietly thinking about how I think and react to life, analyzing my mistakes and successes. Lately, what has become more profound is really how can anyone think that no one else suffers? From life’s little inconveniences to the grand question mark of our upcoming death…regardless of how much money they have.

God-Headed Peoples

Like an old faded, square 70’s photograph with the date stamped at the bottom, a difficult childhood memory popped up. It feels just as foggy as that discolored photo because I was so good at filing it away. While watching Jonestown on PBS again last night brought this back. Growing up gay in my time was not really fun, so I began to hone my survivor skills. I did other things, and just ignored it as best as possible. After my horse phase in Junior high, I got a motorcycle at 14, because it was legal to ride under a certain CC size.
That bike gave me even more freedom to get away, than a horse did. I rode around with neighbor friend, but often alone to stare at the clouds and think about how lonely I was, since I could tell anyone what was really bothering me. Even though my friend was experimenting with sex and his friends, I astutely realized that he was not gay, and knowing no love could come out of it. ..only more pain and potential exposure. So I never told him. I did meet a kid who was nice to me, and exposed me to his Christian youth group friends. I met them but avoided any bible study because I knew it only condemned me. I would agree, or just change the subject. I just wasn’t going to drink the kool-aid. One night I drove to his house for a party with his friends. There was a point later in the night, when my friend and I went to his room. He said one girl liked me and what did I think? I think I confessed to him that I like guys, and the night spiraled into hell. He made a scene like I was no friend of his and I left driving home with a red face. This was my first real coming out. I never saw him or his friends again. Now, I can say confidently it was their loss.

Father's Ghost Appears

I was at a friend's house for an impromptu dinner when I surprised them with a bottle of wine. While catching up over a glass of wine, I saw this a hint of my father appearing(like his light series prints). It seems fitting because these friends are similar to friends he had. 

What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?

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Blessings from an Inspiration

With a suggestion by a friend from Yoga, I went to go get a blessing from Sri Karunamayi, a female bodhisattva like Amma who builds homes for the poor in India. She was happy and blissful during the prayer and wishes, which kept the morning light. Not that I am a spiritual junky, but when one is the path to enlightenment it is always good to be in the presence of one who gives their whole life for others. If only for an inspiration, but first-hand contact(or first-head contact which is more correct) leads me to let down more of the self-cherishing, I often wrap myself in. I even drank the spiritual milk that flowed which is not to be confused with the spiritual cool-aid that felled so many with the Jim Jones farce. It was a treat to see so many Indian children, who dressed in white were like little cherubs. Funny, wise, and awestruck they provided my entertainment beyond the beautiful Hindu prayers. You should just go see or hear a prayer ceremony just to get out of your safe little confines. So, for me it like a blessing n’ danna, not wanting to be a disciple but appreciating where they are going. They have similar positive compassionate goals as my Buddhist teachings so it feels like a missing brother or sister. Plus jokingly, my partner is always saying he is 30% Hindu/70% Buddhist …it gave me a taste of his alter ego. Namaste

Spider Update and Firm Intention

Spider update, I had one adult and two children, so I guess the last one left me with more friends. Mom is out scouting, while the kids are trying to get the hand of repelling from my upper right ceiling. I grabbed Mom and lifted her higher before turning on the water.

On to more important things, my partner registered for a University Masters Program and I am enjoying his excitement to do what was only a dream for him. That he thought would never come true. Along with daily meditation for a minimum of 1/2 hour a day since last Oct which allows me the time to reflect on every thought that comes into my head. Some days it is easy, to pull away and find the clear space…other days it may be busy in there, taking longer to settle down. It does become easier to access this clarity. And the desire to analyze who and what, I think I am. My waking life I see more and more times of happiness and letting go of the need to say something critical to mask my unhappiness. I do think before I speak more often than not, also trying to find a positive mind and project my internal happiness. When I do I find many more people, especially ones I don’t know talk to me, because my body language is as loving as my mind. All this combined with dharma is conscious work and I have long way to go. With the positive feedback I see and feel …it is no longer a stab in the dark. I just keep placed in my mind the few times I have met realized happy people and felt the unbelievable love combined lack of body language that says stay away. I will get there with firm intentions and a spiritual guide.

Making Use of Our Precious Human Life

If you are going to take the wisdom out and practice, the first thing you do is start with an open heart. As simple as an intention, is it not necessarily easy to pull smile when the whole world seems like it is collapsing. But your own worries should not placed on others, knowing they too suffer. Walking down to temple, I encountered a guy in his PJ’s and his new puppy. Instead of walking by ignoring both, I kept my heart open and a wish to not show any displeasure. Mr PJ’s was not into talking to anyone, but his dog was saying howdy in a big way. I said to him, “Hi, how are you? And what dog is this, he is so cute?” while petting him. The puppy showed his excitement by pissing on my shoes and pants. The man said,”Oops!” I looked down at the puppy, and made no facial remark to compliment his spray of enthusiasm. What is done is done, I thought to myself… that is a new way of dealing for me. If I show any displeasure it will not undo what has been done, nor “make it right.” I said, “Oh, well…what mix is he?” Brushing right over what happened. The owner told me and I said good-bye walking onward to my temple. I ran into a friend, who told me about a break-up, leaving me to think about he fact that I find it much easier to access sadness than happiness and thought about why that is? Perhaps, this is a sign that we all suffer even in its minor forms, but more importantly this awareness alone will allow me to provide more happiness to others. I can change this dynamic just simply by being aware and taking care to show a happy face even when things get difficult, because there is no guarantee for anyone that life will be like they wanted, me included. We have the opportunity living where we do to make important changes with our precious human life. We often forget how lucky we really are. Photo by my partner from a border town in Cambodia, a poor boy who doesn’t beg and instead works hard. You can help these kids by clicking on and supporting Street Friends on the upper right.