30 December, 2009
27 December, 2009
I was a goofy kid whenever it was real quiet, I would hear a high-pitched, silvery-like sound while day-dreaming in my room. Mom would say I have good hearing, when I mentioned I could hear high frequency of automatic door closers in the market. In Jr. High, I would ride my dirt bike out to the fields to watch the clouds, sometimes hearing the sound of silence there, too. Lately, I have been hearing it more and more, during quiet times at home and it seems like meditation helps to access it. I did not mention it back as a kid for fear of being called again a freak. I had enough problems. And now, because I felt like it might be another side effect of my brain injury, not really tying it in to the sound I heard as a kid, I never googled it. Silly me, I even thought it could be the wi-fi going to our computers.
I went to all day sit today with Buddhist Nuns, having been familiar with them from a past meeting at a monastery. The first hour was working on your body, then walking meditation. When we came in for the second sit, Ajahn Anandabodhi began to talk about the sound of silence, as taught by Ajahn Sumedho, and she wasn’t talking about that old song. I lit up, and I wanted to burst out and say, there really is one and I am not crazy? She talked about using it to meditate on, either letting concentrate your focus, or broaden it as it encompasses everything in life. This vibration of life I can hear even now, over the drone of my refrigerator. I now know what it is, and with a day of silence I know how to how to find it. It is not something you can look for, because it exists all the time, so you know it intuitively not like a violin sound you listen for. It will come to you when your mind is quiet. It made the remainder of day a breeze to get into if I tapped into this sound. On the way home I told my friend about hearing I but afraid to mention it as a kid and later as a adult, we both laughed because he had the same experience. When I got home I looked at the course title of today’s sit: nada yoga-attending to the mysterious sound of silence and the development of it as a support for both concentration and insight, duh. So, quiet mind means your own tune, not Looney Tunes!
23 December, 2009
You know, the flashing symbols and colors kind. Fingers posed over the left and right arrows, I pushed START. Thinking maybe all this meditation will help me focus. YESSS(fist pump in the air) I’m off and running trying to make my momma proud. Whooped that sucker, and then waited for my score. Computing and computing, waiting for my easy A. Look at my fingernails in the meantime. Then shock and awww it comes back with 35.8% score. That is 35.8% percent of normal folks score. Whaaaa? So, I thought maybe that glass of wine with dinner slowed me down. Cracked my knuckles and sat up straight in my chair and I cranked it up again. Ready, Set, Go! I’m off and feeling like I got the feel of this test. Is it the shape or the color? Not any hard calculations involved, or mysterious lingo. It came back with 35.9%! I guess the learning curve is set high.
I slumped in my chair, poured another glass of wine. Geez, I am that brain dead, and all the nice things people say about have far I have come ...they must be talking about when I was a coma…duh! It is a god-damned miracle I can smile anyway, so forget all those brain tests. They are a distraction to keep you from noticing they raised your health care premium yet again. And you got better things to do like last minute shopping buzzed on 2 double peppermint lattes. So, I just want you to know that even when it all seems like a waste of time and it is so damn impossible to get that unique gift that says YOU…take a breath, stare at your nose and make sure you are still attached. Whew! Yes, you can still hold it altogether to say Happy Holidaze!
18 December, 2009
I have always had good taste and eye for art. Sometimes making it my living or a least an interesting hobby. But, my main focus in creativity lately has been my mental experience. Putting that first above all, to clear out the garbage we often call the stresses of our lives. Notice the “our” part of it? No one is immune from the feelings of stress and worry. They only take slightly different forms for each of us. It takes a leap of faith to approach it differently and dissect it all. Enhancing the observation with daily meditation. So, I am now creating my experience.
We all have problems from big to small. Sometimes many small ones dumped into a huge pile to make them bigger and thus seem often too big to conquer. They seem to beg for being unloaded in the company of others. I will be so glad when I will cease complaining as a way of bonding with others. It is a common habit with me. Along with my anger and frustration even in its minor forms. Adding space between my ongoing thoughts and shazam throwing the switch to allow me to channel it into a better end result. For all of us, me and you. It, for me, would not be possible without the two or three times a week with sangha listening to dhamma following meditation. I am creating the peaceful experience of all us have in our brain. It lies like a winter bulb before spring waiting for a planting when you finally get tired of the same old way of thinking. So my eye is less likely to fall upon my strong sense of I, instead the peace that is growing and creating a sense of lightness about life. Something worthwhile to fall back on.
14 December, 2009
She was a standby nearby the gate when the agent said, go, hurry! The temperature was rising, as you have a late plane full of unhappy people. I really felt her embarrassment, and see she was a bit red in the face. The man standing was pretty quiet to not add fuel to the fire, since he was in the bathroom when he was no supposed to be. I had no place to be in hurry, having missed my meeting with the late flight. I had volunteered earlier to take a later flight if need be, when I found out the plane was going to be late. They did not use me. I thought this would be a great time to offer my seat to the lady, and get off in her place. But the most difficult thing with my speech disability, it times like this the flight attendants will we be so focused on her, that when I speak…they will say, “Sit down, sir! or What do you want?" I know these situations so well, having had people before never taking the time to let me speak. I just had the limo company when I called to say I would be late, hang up on me. I was tired, and exhausted so my speech would not be at its best.
I was thinking it be a proper ego-busting situation to get off the plane for her, even though she was just trying to get an earlier flight and no emergency. I did not speak up to the attendants, because I knew they would be so focused on who to put the blame on when they write up their report. I failed because I had myself to think of me first, which we all know is way too easy. Thinking about it, is not an action. Everyone thinks, few act. Next time I will act. I am sorry I let her down.
12 December, 2009
I find it interesting to have a bunch of things happen in a row, when you least expect it, giving you a chance to use all you have learned so far. I had a chance to talk to my driver to the airport about how anger affects us, and we compared his findings with mine agreeing on all the points.
Upon arriving with enough time, looking at the mess we all know is any airport during the holidays, I tried to check in on the computer terminals. The confirmation number did not work, and I was put in a huge line to see one of two agents for all of United in a major airport. Next to my line was a huge line to go through security. I waited for 1/2 hour in line, helping other people get help and find their way, because no staff was all that helpful, and it kept me for being worried about time. Laughing to keep it light. Then my bag handle broke which made me laugh harder, I got busy quickly trying to make the shoulder strap work in its place. Doubling it up over the two loops riding conveniently above the broken handle, I figured I would fix when I returned home. Or wrap it around the next surly agent that I came into contact with…just kidding. I had to check my bag, only for the liquid restrictions on carry-on for my shave cream. $20 wasted there. It is getting so crazy that it is almost easier to travel with nothing and buy when you arrive. While in the security line, I let a woman with a close flight time jump in, and tried to help get her closer to the screeners and hopefully get through faster. The “me’s” where out in full force. I like it when everyone around plays deaf when they think they might lose their place in line.
The man behind and I were trying to rush her through, it became so chaotic that in packing my trays, and removing my shoes …my camera fell off my shoulder and hit the ground. The guy behind me said, “Not good!” but I smiled and said, “That is life.” I got through, but my hat did not, it fell out of the bins in scanner. I think it was struck inside. I asked around and no one found it, so I bid adieu to my favorite hat. So, I just made it on time through the checkpoint only to find the plane was late, and then also sat 45 minutes on the runway. Now, I know I could drive faster than taking a plane, and less hassle. All that transpired in two hours would drive anyone nuts, but I decided not to be angry or frustrated. For someone with aphasia who when I speak to anyone, I have to repeat myself many times with them looking all crazy at me. Just dealing is twice as hard as normal people experience. It takes work and constant monitoring how I feel and tweaking it towards the wisdom that you know will produce the right outcome…patience with life’s unpredictability thus avoiding the storm of anger.
10 December, 2009
09 December, 2009
Many times I will encounter a new person not familiar with me, and upon speaking they will get very uneasy, because I don’t have any real obvious signs of physical signs of brain injury. And then if receptive they immediately wish me well, like I am dying or getting sicker. I really can't win. I just laugh knowing, I was a sicker bitch before the brain injury and they don’t know how lucky they really are.
Losing a little touch with my ego, that fragile house of cards gradually has brought some lightness of being this past year. I can’t tell you how many times I caught myself trying to whip up some bitch about something to prove how smart I really am. It doesn’t mean that I am 100% successful in letting go, but it is a process rewarded with laughter. When I am my aware of when I experiencing the dis-ease with life and catch it before it transforms into anger, or dissatisfaction. It feels, at first, like I am denying myself the right to be angry – the ego is that powerful. If by chance, I am right this time, what do I really stand to gain? We often get angry and don’t think beyond this instant to the aftermath of the tornado. But now with daily meditation I have downloaded somewhat, each day, the myriad of worries and stuff that we file to use at a later date. This gives me the 2 seconds I need to take a better path. For instance I see the object of my anger(often times someone else) walking away unscathed and unaware of my metal turmoil, by laughing at myself. Not always out loud, but at least loosing the belt a notch, a little sigh and big smile. My father got me hooked on being right as a means to live and make your self seem better than others. But being right is tightly wrapped around your ego, that same ego that if looked closely at it, it is a mental construct held by you only, not the world.
DISCLAIMER: I got plenty more ego where that came from, this is to inspire me and recognize I am on the right path. I know I will never become ego-less, but I would settle for half of its current power.
05 December, 2009
04 December, 2009
While moving along the Buddhist Path, I can get kinda cocky with a bunch of meditation under the belt. Feeling the wisdom slipping through the crack under the door, I relax on my self- examination.