Intricacies of Love

As this month has rolled by, one thing sticks in my head through my experience at this time. That whenever a person loves you they are doing it their way. The moment you want something more or different is where we get in trouble. Pure love, I was taught over and over in Dharma lessons is wishing for the other person to be happy. Not with the idea that they have to make us happy in return. But this is done with wisdom, not masochism. Looking at the big picture instead of getting hung up on minutiae of your own insecurities. Maturation, even for me still comes in waves, with a few deviations along the way. If I am to light the path for my partner, friends and family, I have to be on the path. Not acting, talking or even just entertaining wise ideas. And believe me it is work in almost every instance. You have to act with some reflection as to why you are doing such. Look at why you are hurt over the most minor differences in thought and actions. Seeing success sometimes, and failures in others(not in a grand sense, it is usually in minor circumstances). I am doing better at this as time goes on, but I can’t really stop there when I have seen how well this works. I have experienced marked changes since last year, maybe not visible to others but my own internal experience.



And one thing I think that is so cute, is how my partner knows he will be thought of when I am at temple. He said he won’t tempt me with calls or a visit, although allowed to. It doesn’t quite register with him how strong my desire is for a sharper mental awareness. Tonight, he will take out my one earring in preparation. And if I am truly wise, I will leave it out.

Wandering Observations

from the desk of Was Once, after coffee:
If Thais are so close to their parents especially their mother then why does not translate to mother earth? Obviously, some of which can be attribute to Buddhist teachings.I see klongs full of sewage, and who knows what else to the point of popping on the surface. I have seen people walk their trash and dump it in the Chao Phraya river. One never really knows the origin of the fish they sell, and which klong it comes from. In some places birth defects have resulted and no one really is screaming. Is this survival of the fittest in action?


If I am walking around off the beaten path, I rarely get bothered as Thais leave you alone. A few hellos from kids or saweedees from adults. If I ever get approached out there, it is only for transportation mostly like motorcycle taxis that give you the heads up if need a ride. They come in real handy. It is in the tourist sections that I get hassled, but if I don’t give eye contact and look down and press on then I look like I have a clue. It is problem photographing, because I am inquiring with my eyes, and sometimes misread as naïve.


I am also aware of the daily costs here, even when living on the cheap, so I appreciate how hard is to live on my partners salary. He does it quite well, and rarely asks for help. He is proud of what he has done on his own, proud to share and has great respect for my love. One of his long range goals is a doctorate and travel so even while being funny and joking he has his head in the right place. He did joke about me being a monk to avoid his hugs. All I really provide him with is consistency and freedom to be himself. I am always learning how do this.

Experience with Immature Thoughts

How often do we judge our experience down to every single moment on whether we are pleased? Be it food, drink, temperature, the views and/or the sounds we hear. If I find myself wanting a constant pleasant experience for myself, I find that I am constantly on the move. This seems so immature when I really contemplate this. More a mental experience than physical, always leap frogging to something perceived as better than what I have right now. It becomes even more pronounced when things might be difficult, even slightly. I have brain damage so severe that when I get too much input, be it noise or perceived chaos I get overloaded because my brain cannot narrow down a single person conversation from background noise. It is even more pronounced on the phone if the other party is in a really noisy area. Although this is a common problem with my injury, I am looking into how I deal when it happens because it like life, you cannot control every instance. If I examine personally at how I try to control life in general, and relax, I am in fact easing the stranglehold we sometimes carry around with our life experiences. Trying always to make them pleasant to our senses.Then in the big picture of life, I might be more prepared for the more difficult aspects of aging, sickness and death. We often daydream a fairy-tale ending to our life, or put in so far on the back-burner that the only existence it plays in our life is a certain child like approach to real life connections with friends and family. People are in our life for a reason and we sometimes take it so for granted that we dismiss any feelings surgically on a regular basis with no remorse.



As I got a massage in my favorite family run shop-house, they guessed why I am on the path. Saying, "Broken heart or a family death?" I said, "No, a logical conclusion." I survived my near-death not because of my strong will as most will surmise, but for the kindness of others. How could I have strong will if not for having love in my life to give me the strength? My mother played a very important role, giving me life for really the second time! My friends and even the night nurse who has since passed, saw the fact that I was more “there” than the doctors at that time said. And now look I can write this, when they predicted a vegetable like life, post injury. Can you imagine how a mother would take what they said at that time about her first-born son? To prepare for me to die. How can one possibly pay this back?



Ever notice a Thank You never seems to be sufficient when someone does something good and loving for you. The best way to return this favor is to be loving with others, transform your gift from them into something as worthwhile as theirs. Letting go of the power they gave you because it would be mature.

If anyone loves you then this really means they are sacrificing a part of their sense of “I.” Lowering their self-cherishing enough to look beyond. A gift we sometimes overlook.

I watched two policemen enjoy ice cream, brought to them by a superior when I stopped coincidentally to put a bandaid on my toe. I enjoyed the look on their face, and I did not even have to pay. We exchanged smiles, one of the free gifts of life.
The first part of my discussion is looked at it depth with Paticcasamuppada(Practical Dependent Origination) in Buddha’s teachings.

Standing Strong

One of the things that marvel me about my partner of eight years is his ability to not confuse minor disagreements with his or our love for each other.

His firm, unwavering love is brought forth by my love and concern for him. He knows my heart and motives as I know his. For this we are both lucky.

So, when I say it time for us to get our teeth cleaned, he may put up a little resistance thanking he is fine, but if I just direct us to the dental office, and not be angry or ugly…he is fine. And when I need twice as much work as he, redoing old cavities…he doesn’t gloat at his good fortune.

While they were re-drilling my teeth, I was thinking about seeing a Thai crematorium near a temple on Friday, and how it will too soon when all these teeth will be burning up along with my body. The slight pain I perceive to experience now gone up in flames, and it often seems so pointless. Do we do this to further the idea we carry of being immortal? Fix your teeth and you have cheated death?




Anyway, I am also very lucky he is not needy in the sense of reassurance about anything he does or needing to hear how much he is loved. He has that mature sense of himself. I am a better person by loving him, seeing a totally different world through his eyes.


For this and all good fortune that has come to me, I am going to be a novice monk. To get to know my mind even better
unfettered by life’s distractions.






My partner says there is no need for me to be one, but he will let go and let me try. His only fear, joking he said, “ I might like it so much I will stay.”

I say I know so little dharma, even with 5 years of being on the path that the temple will be happy to let go of me. Just kidding. There really are times in life that have to be thankful for what you have, and still be willing to give.

My Secret Dream Penthouse

I had a recurring dream I have perhaps once a year, last night. Always, a bit new. It consists of accessing and going to a secret tiny penthouse that I only have the keys. With 360 degrees windows in a small room, that you have to access though a wild set of dark passages, sometimes crawling up through. Now, I have set here trying to figure out where it exists in my memory bank of past experiences, and the best I can come up with is a mish-mash of details. It appears so clear to me at times and especially in my dream that I could spend hours rewinding the mental tape piecing it all together. I have had in the past keys to buildings, some of which had unfinished penthouses. I would go sometimes to get a view at night, at off hours and many times after I quit working, in said building. I have always had grand daydreams as well as those at night. Raw industrial size office buildings while I worked in the floors below. And I have seen some cool lofts made out of old brick buildings that I have gone to parties in. The image that fits the dream that comes close was the rooftop of a tiny studio apartment building I had in my early 20’s with nice views of downtown. I can, now, hours after I am awake, travel back to crawling up passages to show some people what other rooms I have. Knowing that they really don’t exist, and are composed of several other dreams. It amazes me and stops time. The lights are on, and yes, somebody is still home.

Inspiration Unfolding

After nearly finishing the Muhammad Yunus book on the way to and from work each day, my partner and I met on his way home. I was carrying dinner: 2 fish, som tum salad, morning glory soup and sticky rice. Last night he cooked for me, so it was my turn. He was excited, eyes lit up because the Yunus book inspired him to pursue trying to sell a new product he knows of. He told me the idea, and his plans to make it work. Wary of all the hurdles, but willing to try, even if he just learns from the experience, because he has a full time job, and soon will be in college for his masters. Even if it fails, it will allow him to use his college learning and put it to test in real life. It was great to see a book I bought him launching new ideas. He said he will finish the book today and I will see the product tomorrow. Days like this, full of hope and future and watching the gears work in his head. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. What more could I want?

The Luxury of Contemplation

"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering."



"It(meditation) teaches a way of looking at problems, observing them clearly but not necessarily trying to fix them or solve them."



"Mediation suggests to people that they begin to see all their thoughts as just thoughts, whether they are positive, negative or neutral."
-BBC News






"The Gap is the silent space between thoughts. It is the space where the mind stands still. No thoughts exist in this space. Hence, it is in the Gap that you can experience present moment awareness. From cultivating present moment awareness, inner wisdom and joy arises."
-Evelyn Lim