Count Your Lucky Stars!

After being sick and then off on a trip to see family it gave a me a brief time off to review my life’s progress or lack there of. I often feel the pinch of self-pity, so I know the best remedy is to have gratitude for what you do have. One person that I am very grateful for is my close friend who is always there. Over a cup of tea he will listen to me complain and will be quiet, never reprimanding me but instead letting me vent until I see that it is going nowhere. He does this quite diplomatically, letting me figure out how ridiculous I sound to myself and thus ending it by his unengaged way. He lets my own wisdom shine clear past any perceived difficulties, and on to greater more important things. His Buddha-nature is natural and not forced, learned through years of teaching children and though his own suffering. Yes, we all suffer, just when you think you got the market cornered on it. I have learned a lot from him more by example then by him pointing out how I could change or getting frustrated by my behavior. Often when he is gone from a visit, it all begins to click on what I need to be more aware of. It is more often rare to hear him complain after a bad day at school, although he feels welcome to do so when he wants. He is often helping others free and tirelessly in art events, be it poetry, dance or performance. A multi-talented friend who does not brag, but instead spends the energy that usually encompasses to expand his talents or to share his expertise. Just writing this down does not seem to give him the justice he deserves, it makes the reality of my good fortune to have him as a friend all the more significant. I did not know him before my injury so he can’t really see how far I have come, but trust his wisdom of my value as his friend.

The other day when I had the Buddhist nuns over for tea, he just happened to join us unplanned, and it was nice to just shut up and let his merits just shine. Lucky me to have two important forces of change for the better in my life meet. He later commented on how wise and happy they were. I didn’t think they would ever cross paths, as he is not a Buddhist.
Just before I took off to see family I made him aware of the important role he plays in my life and he told me likewise as being one of the few people he sees on a regular basis for friendship and support. I know if I do leave to live overseas with my partner when he finishes school, he will be one important friend I will miss. Lucky me!

The Shaded Path

I've got to watch what I say, what I think and how I act, a subtle reminder when you find you are sick. Driving the nuns, brought some light in with a dhamma talk and a great meditation. Telling stories on the way back was a delightful way to end a Friday night.

Used for Science in a Good Way

I just found out that a Dr. friend will study my body to use it for the quest for better and more effective pain drugs to help others. Since I can't use it to its full advantage, might at well let others use it. So happy that I wanted to share this song with you.

The Crumpled Paper

I carry up the end of the line not wanting to walk ahead of the ajahns to do walking meditation on the beach on Vesak Day. We are all silent, I put my hand in my pocket and feel a crumpled piece of paper. I pull it out and want to throw it away, it is just a piece of paper I washed and dried with my pants …it can’t be that important.

I throw it towards a trash can, it bounces off the edge, I chuckle, it is begging me to read it, I guess. I pick it up and peeling it back carefully like a 3000yr old papyrus, I realize it is a dedication note for a shrine, I had rewritten to place on shrine after a weekend about a year ago.

The first line was to a friend who was having terrible time in a difficult relationship, and before I got to the second line, my phone vibrates and see a text from the same friend asking me to lunch. All things pass, he is now fine and removed from the pain he experienced, then. Many years ago, in everyday life, he gave me my first dhamma lesson about what is important(People vs Things). The second line is to my sister suffering from mental illness, and the third to my mother to give her strength with the pains of aging. I give it some thought about when these might pass. While the others walk silently along the shore, I lie down and sleep on the sand between sea grass humps, sometimes I can’t fight the exhaustion, a gift of this brain injury. Surprisingly, I woke up just as the group returned, joining them in the same place in line that I had before…. no one knew the difference.

Karma Washing

As a treat of compassion, I made plans to drive Buddhist Nuns to see Amma thinking they have never seen her. They had seen her in England a few times and even traveled to Amritapuri, Kerala to her home to see her once. Thursday is the quiet day at the Vihara, and no plans on the calendar it made sense. We packed the day in, to include a hospital visit after, and to conclude with chai at my house before they had to return. Now, I have seen Amma twice in the past who helped to inspire my Buddhist path to begin regular temple attendance, my hospital volunteering, making merit like painting a temple, setting up and helping out at various events.




The energy was high, the people happy, and the children amazing in a world of love. Having arrived early enough to get a token to receive darshan within the first hour, we settled down and talked about seeing her and to the people around us. sitting next to me was a wise 1 yr.old girl with her mother, who still had connections to her previous life(as it seemed to us). When the beautiful chant started just before Amma’s arrival, I got tears in my eyes. The Ajahn sitting next to me, pulled out a tissue, but I said I am fine, and enjoying my tears. It feels wonderful and no longer afraid to express emotion, a by-product of my brain injury. There was video of Amma helping poor around the world that had been showing the whole time while we waited which helped to prime my heart. Amma’s entry was still very casual entry where she walked through the ashram to her chair, and started very shortly thereafter to hug people. The Ajahns went first, and then I followed. I just watched people because most have a lot more love than average person on the street. I approached with the guidance of her helpers and was treated to a long almost double hug. I could not really say anything, and sat close by after her embrace to watch others. While there a smiliing girl of about 18 who was working for Amma, came up to the Ajahns knowing who they are. She said her parents nursed Ajahn Sumedho when he had a broken leg in Europe when she was a little girl. It was fun to watch her story unfold.

Later, when we had tea at my house to show the Ajahns my collection of saints before I sell them to pay for my partner's masters and perhaps a PHD later. One of the Ajahns liked one of the small old saint photos I had on my wall, so I gave it to her.


Amma’s love blessings continued today, when I came home I noticed a car with a huge blue stains on the side. One kid from school, had been playing with a pen that exploded all over the car and they were just trying to clean it up with paper towels. I went into my garage and got some goof-off and a rag and ran over to help. I managed to get most of it off, while the girl was still crying and covered in ink. I told the Mom, to use some rubbing compound on it or to hurry over to a detail shop to have them buff off the residue. All her kids came over and shook my hand, so surprised a stranger would help.

Really Never Have a Fixed Idea

I was beginning to think I am lucky, when I see some other people going through life’s hurdles. Looking at what part of my ego needs to think this, and maybe it is the comparing mind. Or, it is the part that wants to label something, and put a check mark in my head as been there and lay it aside. If I think it is done, then I will get to more important stuff? What is exactly is that? I am not going to solve the oil spill by worrying about it. Nor or you going to solve a relationship problem by guessing everything that can possibly go through the other person’s head. It is becoming clearer to me that just when you think you know it ...you don’t.

Recalling the dream that woke me up to write this. I helped a friend some 20 years ago burned out of his apartment, by letting him stay with me. There was some attraction involved even before the fire and one night after dinner we got a little hot. I stopped it because I cared enough about him to not to let it go anywhere that would put him in a weird space in my house. So, it transpired into laughter… lighthearted laughter. I honestly cared about him, regardless of the outcome. Is that what we really wanted, that night? Not to get lost in sex to forget life’s great inconsistencies, but instead to laugh it all off. Because we really don’t know anything, like why life puts some people together under odd circumstances and throws others apart. Why a seemingly tragic event to one person, is an awakening to another?


My dream consisted of us starting to have sex and instead ending up with us tickling each other. So I woke up laughing. Because laughter between two people is one of the great shared experiences. We might have friends that agree with our view of life(at this current time), but the nuances of what determines this will never make it an ideal shared experience. “You don’t see it like I do!” How many times have we heard this the minute one has doubt in the ways are? To align things with what seems to you to be their place will work one moment and not another. There are too many variables that just point us into taking life as it is. Simple things can truly bind people…like love and caring with a little laughter thrown in. Laughing, because we don’t know what really is next…ever.

One Less Email to Answer

With Dennis Hopper's death, as well as several people in my life over the last few years, it gives me time to realize how lucky I am. Here is some of Hopper's work, including some of his self-portraits and civil rights photos. It is really interesting how those that were close remain alive with our memories of them. It points to the importance of our role to make our life as meaningful as we can. To get a jump start on our reincarnation by planting the seeds in other's minds and hearts.

The Phat Truck

PHOTO: NOBODIES

Picture yourself in a tree-lined quiet neigh-borhood, which is definitely not mine with a school across the street and a bus line that runs up and down. I am on my porch and watching the neighbor across the street pulling 360’s in the street in a display of machismo for his friends riding with him in his Phat truck. I have seen this many times before, but now I happen to be outside in full view of this childish display. I am known for saying the right thing to the right person, and often will say something regardless of any danger…that is in the past.

So, I am getting heated up, and charge over once they stop their truck, mad but not stupid. The blood flushing into my face, just dying to just give him a piece of my mind that I almost float over my grass. But then suddenly, I feel a sharp pain and I am having a heart attack and in few quick seconds the only thing I see in the grass coming up quickly to my face because I am falling down ...dying. I black out just after the grass tickles my face.

That is how I wake up from this dream, and I ponder its subject. I know on my wisdom path I am slowly getting less likely to put myself in these situations, and even more likely to first go, compliment him on his truck and finesse a simple request such as... it is all good, but better in a less populated area. Also things have a way of playing themselves out…good or bad, regardless of my input. This was a reminder once again to think hard about what the real final outcome of a difficult problem, and more often that not…keep my mouth shut.

A Heart-Felt Wish

Very few times in life you meet a person that is truly a wisdom body, where everything they do and say is pure. I was lucky enough to meet that person in Dr. Acchandrapisit Pingchaiyawat(Dr. Aphisit) a source of inspiration on my path. He comes to mind when chanting Reflections on Shared Blessings. He is trying to build an international dhamma centre and is in need of $30,000.

An opportunity to help Dr. Aphisit.

Thursday, May 6, 2010 at 8:59am
As many of you know, Dr Aphisit has a visionary idea for developing an international dhamma centre just on the land behind Wat Sri Boon Ruang where the Monk for a Month program is run.

The land was largely donated by local owners who support Dr Aphisit's dream of a community centre. It is a place where people from around the world will come to learn and practise dhamma and shall also provide resources for the local community including facilities such as pre-schools, schools, hospitals and hospices. The land is adjacent to the temple 'burning place' where the local funerals are conducted. Dr Aphisit has often said his vision is to create a centre that will care for the community from birth, through life and even through death.

It is a beautiful vision of the future, a great example of socially-engaged Buddhism and together with the many meditation huts intended to be built, represents a real global centre for applied Buddhism and international spirituality.

A recent development is that one of the owners, who is from a distant part of Thailand, has found an alternate buyer for the 30 acre property and is requesting that the temple pay something for the land in the next week or risk losing the entire project. This has come as an unexpected surprise and all hands are on deck to ensure it doesn't happen.

This land is an ideal spot for Dr Aphisit's vision, it is flat area with lovely clear views of the mountains along the border. This is something that many of us would love to be involved in supporting.

So here's our chance. The temple needs around $30 000 in the following days in order to step forward and secure this property and move closer to making the vision a reality.

We are calling on all friends of Dr. Aphisit

to help him reach this target.

You can send money to:
Krung Thai Bank
Account Name : Buddhist Community Development Centre
Account Number : 532-0-19920-1
(SWIFT CODE - KRTHTHBK)

OR

You can do a PayPal transfer to Blood Foundation here http://bloodfoundation.org/blood/main/paypal-donation and we will ensure the temple gets your donation.

The Monk for a Month project is contributing 20 000 Baht ($620) to this important project. All contributions are welcome. If we each pitch in a bit we can help them to get there.

If you do support this project please send us an email to info@monkforamonth.com to alert us.

Dr Aphisit will certainly be aware of who has been able to help him at this time.

We hope you are able to share in the fulfilment of this dream, the vision of a man who has been a friend to so many of us.

This is the time.

With Kindness,
Ben Bowler

A Monk's Story

Inspirational Shan Monk Phra Wierote is abbot of a temple-school along the Burma border. Having lived through many hardships he now lives his life dedicated to serving the many young ones in his care.

Yesterday, I drove a Buddhist Nun to a dhamma talk and a sit. During her talk this came to me when answering someone's question about the danger of becoming attached to a particular outcome. There is beauty in tragedy. That is... even if it is not what we want at that time, one begins to see the beauty of a viewpoint previously unseen or unfelt before. We often can't change the tragedies of life, but hopefully we might understand or integrate them in a whole new way.

Like a Candy Apple

photo: sburke2478

I whooped a two week down cycle that is natural effect of human existence, and came back to some kind of normal, which I managed to do by doing kind things for others and taking 5-HTP. After my first good day, I had a dream that night that I am kind of like a candy apple, a hard outside protecting a soft and perishable inside. That actually came in the dream along with experiences labeling the fact that my near death was really a “death.” I was brought back to life from my hospital nightmare not like in regular human body, but with the sole purpose of making merit and helping others. In the dream I would visit those that can see me, and others I would be right beside them and they no idea I was there. It may seem like a weird calling dream, and it may have been triggered with the letter to Carlos, or a Thai friend who upon helping him figure out Paypal, and sent money so he could pay his first Ebay bill, said, “you are such a good friend.” I did express to him how much I appreciated him showing me temples and places when my partner was busy with school, so I felt I could spend a couple hours figuring out his problem. It is so important to honor people who honor you, and it came across in my dream. Perhaps, I had not done enough of that before my “death.”

So, for the ones who do see me, in the context of my dream, I am there to help them. They are not fooled because they act upon seeing a good heart, or maybe it is just a repaired one.

Pope Calls Gay Marriage an Insidious Threat

STOP BULLYING, NOW!

KICK THE LOWEST DOG ...his oldest Nazi ways are coming back. For the Pope to say this means he is totally running scared with all the clerical abuse. You will not dictate who I love and fortunately you are not the ruler of the world. Watch out, I might teach your clergy how to really love! STOP BULLYING, NOW!

This is Your Mind on Purpose

Philip Anderson artist

There is an older man in my Sangha that I often see in my temple, and other sittings. We have been to one 5-week class together, so at least I am familiar face. Tonight, we sat for a 40-minute meditation followed by a stellar dhamma talk, after which I turned back and saw his smiling face. While leaving, I said, “Keep it fun!” ….putting my hand on his. He said, “You are fun!” and we launched into a conversation about dhamma and life. At one point I said, "The older I get I realize that I don't know anything." He replied, "By saying this you know something." What he doesn’t know he is one of models for how to wisely deal with aging….with a smile. Because no matter how many years you have lived on this earth, if end up being a grumpy, old, “been-there-done-that” kind of man you will never get to share your wisdom with anyone. If you are like this man, smiling even with a body that is falling apart, and skin heading south …then the world is your oyster and people will come to you. You will never die lonely and forgotten wondering what the hell life was really for.

So here is my card to Carlos, when I see him next.

"Enchanted Tripitika", near Patravadi Theatre

I have often look to your smiling face, as inspiration on this path, as so many get caught up with making this a serious, “get it done” endeavor. Your smile rewards people with a vision that is beyond the me, that we so dearly protect and helps point us all to a life that puts aside the misery and fear associated with aging. It signals the lightness of your being that is awake with possibilities of mindfulness, knowing that it is a conscious decision to smile with all unknowns of life. You are one model that comes to my mind on this wisdom path. I am not that far away from you in age but still miles from the smile you share with the world.

Thank you.

The Don't Know Mind

Most of the time when I engage in a sit, whether it regular daily meditation or a group sit I do it knowing it is probably the most important thing I can do to alleviate my regular human suffering. If enlightenment ever comes it will be a great addition to the benefits of a regular sitting practice. I have said in previous posts that I do see a lighter approach to life, in general since I started daily sits.

Last night, I wanted to go have a beer while walking to my group sit, but decided that to forgo a good 40-minute meditation for the temporary happiness of a pint of beer began to seem like a foolish idea. It was a good call, and once I made the decision quickly I happily continued on to the sit. Arriving to see a substitute for my normal teacher, who I have heard once before. I told myself, just relax with any expectations. I greeted her and helped set up and sat down. I had a diverse sit, beginning with all the noise of people arriving late, and her dog checking out all the people one-by-one which made me break into a smile when he came around quietly. My technique, besides just watching the breath is to just see what arrives to my mind. I can go from single pointed concentration to a wide-open sky approach and back. The only thing I do very consciously is bring the mind back if it wonders too far in panacha(obsessional thought). Concluding my meditation, which towards the end when I dissolved my body to my pleasant surprise, the teacher talked about what kind of meditation is best for states of boredom or anxiety. Introducing the single-pointed concentration for boredom, and the wide-open sky approach for the anxious mind where the don't know mind seems appropriate. I think for me, the feelings I have can range between both at any time, sometimes masking one state for another. I was very interesting to hear a dhamma talk about resting in the Don’t Know mind.

So often we want to attack meditation like house-cleaning or book learning with our western sensibilities, thinking that once completed we will automatically advance to higher level...or be OK. We think we are whipping the unknowns of life by always “doing” something. How often do you relax around not knowing while not doing anything? If we approach meditation when we are anxious with the Don’t Know mind the relaxation about life will creep into everyday life. I can’t ignore the unknowns of life by keeping myself busy. Things will happen at their own rate, and to be more relaxed in general will be a huge asset when life gets tough. So, I guess I really don't know.

All Actions with Intention...

Photo by Ronald L. Haeberle

be they skillful or harmful, of such acts will be their heirs.

— last line from reflections on universal well-being, Pali Prayer

“There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel remorse for what happened that day in My Lai,” Calley. His voice started to break when he added, “I feel remorse for the Vietnamese who were killed, for their families, for the American soldiers involved and their families. I am very sorry.”

William Calley, the former Army lieutenant convicted of 22 counts of murder in the infamous My Lai Massacre in Vietnam, publicly apologized. Some 41 years later. Whatver the intention, he is still living with it.

This may be an extreme example..but this incident in history, played such an important roll in my young life, and made my parents keep me out of the military. I saw this when I was ten without the internet. Did it keep Abu Ghraib from happening? Sadly, no. I am hoping I can use this to help me with being more mindful with my intentions.

Monastic Weekend

“Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

What is Dana?

I was wrapping up a beautiful Vietnamese Mother and Child painting for my yoga teacher who is expecting a baby soon. I felt a pinge of stingyness, as this one, was a painting I enjoyed in my home for many years. Dismissed this fairly easy, knowing that I felt this would a great gift for such a kind soul. It was truly my intention to give her something as important as her presence has been in classes. Always consistent, never a surprise and her classes were calming. She feels to me to be a meditator, but maybe just her karma. One day, I said to a few friends in class that her baby will be just as sweet as she is. That baby will be so lucky! She has been teaching nearly right up to her due date. Tomorrow is last class before she delivers...and hope she is there. Dana can be the food you give the monks, the money to a temple, a helping hand to a stranger or volunteering in your hospital. In my photograph, Alang got flowers along with food on our morning Alms round. Cultivating generosity through dana is one perfection I still have not quite mastered as evident by the feelings I had earlier. Still learning.

The six perfections are:
Dana paramita, perfection of giving
Shila paramita, perfection of discipline
Kshanti paramita, perfection of patience
Virya paramita, perfection of exertion
Dhyana paramita, perfection of meditation
Prajna paramita, perfection of wisdom

A Thank You to Three Smart Women

This is my thank you to three women that have made a huge difference in this planet and helped to inspire others.

"Save The Bay was founded in 1961, as "Save San Francisco Bay Association" by three East Bay women who were watching the Bay disappear before their eyes. Kay Kerr, Sylvia McLaughlin and Esther Gulick set out to stop the City of Berkeley’s plan to double in size by filling in the shallow Bay off-shore. They mobilized thousands of members to stop the project, and their resounding victory was repeated on Bay fill projects around the region.

This first modern grassroots environmental movement in the Bay Area won a revolutionary change - tens of thousands of Save The Bay members forced the State of California to acknowledge that the Bay belonged to the public. Save The Bay won a legislative moratorium against placing fill in the Bay in 1965, the McAteer-Petris Act. The Bay Conservation and Development Commission (BCDC) was established by the State to plan protection of the Bay, regulate shoreline development, and ensure public access, which at the time was almost non-existent.

BCDC became a permanent agency in 1969, and continues today, the first coastal zone management agency and the model for most others in the world. The agency Save The Bay created has prevented most additional Bay fill, and since BCDC’s inception there has actually been a small net gain in the size of the Bay through tidal marsh restoration. Agency permits for development along the Bay have mandated new public shoreline access, increasing from only four miles of access in 1969 to over 200 miles today.

Save The Bay fought to close the garbage dumps ringing the shoreline, and stop raw sewage flowing untreated into the Bay. We helped establish the San Francisco Bay National Wildlife Refuge and helped stop the Peripheral Canal from draining more of the Bay’s fresh water from upstream and we fight to protect the Bay from today's biggest threats - pollution and sprawl.

For nearly 50 years, Save The Bay has given San Francisco Bay a voice, and helped shift public attitudes from complacency to vigilance. Today, Save The Bay continues to be the largest regional organization working to protect, restore and celebrate this great natural treasure by advocating for strong policies that protect the Bay from pollution and inappropriate shoreline development; restoring habitat to re-establish 100,000 acres of wetlands; and engaging and inspiring more than 25,000 supporters and thousands of students annually."

Reminders of Other's Suffering

Sitting in a full plane in a window seat, the gentleman near my age in the middle seat leaned over just after I sat down and said, “Do you live in San Francisco?” I said yes and he told me that all his money and documents were stolen in Hawaii, and he is flying back to go to the German consulate to get passport and a ticket home. So, I asked the guy at aisle seat, since he had an Iphone, to please look up the address to it in the city. That guy later bought him a beer since he had no credit card, but then went back to his movie on his computer with earplugs.

I drew out on paper how to get there in detail once I knew the address. I could sense his anxiety and the need to talk to me. He wasn't overly talkative, and respectful. And over the course of the almost two hour flight he told me bits and pieces of how he arrived at this difficult time in life. I said to him I would show him where to go, and get a better map when we arrived, since I am not a rush to get home. I said it is a waste of money to stay in a hotel, since you are short of cash, just shower here at the airport and grab the BART to the city in the morning when they open.

He proceeded to tell me he got divorced from his wife about two years ago, and she got the house, sparing him the half million mortgage debt. Which I pointed out was one good thing to rest your brain on. But this left him with no home, and lost his job as a horticulturist with the market downturn. He told me he even has a PHD, which I could tell amazed him he ended up in this position. He got unemployment, and it ran out this year, and housing and food being so expensive in Kauai he ended up at friend’s houses, and then the street where he his money and passport were stolen. He said, “This all I have after 10 years in Kauai pointing to a bag under the seat.” I shared my story with him, my losses, etc and it seemed to help.

When we arrived at the airport we walked together so I could show him where to go, and while he went outside to smoke, I went downstairs to get an airport and city map. I found him again and we sat down at a table while he had a beer, and went over the directions and how to get to the embassy and get a ticket home to see his sister and get back on his feet. We talked for over an hour, and he asked me, "How long did it take to get back after your losses?" Choosing not to tell him that I really haven't, because that would make him feel less anxious. I told him instead what I think is positive... that it took me to explore new methods of thinking about me, life and lead me to Buddhism. I said most of the hard part is in your mind, how you perceive your trouble and that is where you should start. He expressed his fear he did not want to end up dead so soon, so he was consciously not taking any drugs or drinking too much, so he was willing to go back and start fresh. He pointed out that he tried anti-depressants and did not finish his first fill and was happy he could spend time with his sister he had not seen in ten years. I said that is where you start, what you like that you have done so far ...what is good in your life and expressed the importance of letting go of the past, what is done is done, and work with going forward now. I gave him a piece of smoked salmon I was bringing home and he lit up. He had one more beer, while we continued talking and he told me that after this one he just go lay down in the airport and sleep. When he finished he walked with me outside, and I said thanks first. He said, “No, I should say thanks for all the help, and if I have any trouble tomorrow I will call me you." I could tell he was somewhat more relaxed than when I first met him. Like I told him earlier, nobody is immune to suffering, and seeing him was my reminder, hence why I said Thanks.

Dreams of Letting Go

They say that some dreams for tell the future, but this one leads to believe that I have a good idea of where my progress in Dhamma will lead me. One night I dreamt that I sold my house and moved into a smaller apartment. So vivid and clear of the room and the place, and was not without some color, fun and views. And the best way to describe where I was in the dream it is location that seems like is a mish mash of Tibet style, Mexican, San Franciscan architecture. So in last night’s dream, me and several other sangha members(some with faces I recognize and some I do not) all came to a place to symbolically burn an item that represents our tie to the material world. Once burned we could move up to a higher level in an apartment building that was fashioned in my dream as kind of city like resting in terraces on hills, with spiritual seekers like Buddhists and others. A nice mix of colorful people old and young, working towards a common goal that was not too defined in my dream. It was a festive and light-hearted dream.

Tharlam Monastery, Boudha, Kathmandu, Nepal

I chose to burn a gold ring that is a “marriage band” that my partner and I have identical copies of. This was not to symbol any lessening of our bond, because deep down we know that nothing can symbolize what we carry in our hearts. It was more a concrete symbol of material wealth that we often think seems very permanent and unchanging. In the dream I was wondering how we can make the heat high enough in the fire to burn gold and platinum since this was happening within a building with others around. Others chose more flammable cloth, and papers, but you know me …I chose the most difficult kind of item to firmly make this transition stick in my mind. I know deep down that we really do not own anything, more like a life-time loan no matter how valuable it is to us.

During the dream there was no desires for it to be different, or feeling uncomfortable …it was I more of the curiosity and playfulness of those around me. The colors of my surroundings and the people in my dream were interesting and diverse. A few people were around me asking about how I will burn the ring? I said what you do is you imagine them casting the ring from the wax mold in beginning. Using my imagination while the ring is in the fire, it began to melt away like wax all the individual bands of gold and platinum to the surprise of those watching. Down to the main band, which shattered with the heat in two, then finally dissolved in ash.

All photos: Wonderlane

I rose from my knees from the fire, and was allowed up the elevator to the higher apartments. Arrived at a bigger one than in the previous nights dream. I saw another woman from my sangha smiling, leading me to a large window where she had taken the glass out, enabling us to comfortably lean out the window. We were kneeled down all along with several other people, laid cloth on the sill and peered below to view a whole choreographed number with Buddhist teachers and students that involved green cloths in both the robes and flags. It kind of was like spiritual procession full of lightness and was definitely not somber. This is the best overview I can pull out of it, and it just seems like the dreams were a symbol of some kind of spiritual progression for me. If not, at least it was fun.

On Dhamma

The best books ...
are those that tell you

what you know already.
— George Orwell

I see in the world

people with wealth

who, from delusion,

don't make a gift

of the treasure they've gained.

Greedy, the stash it away,

hoping for even more

sensual pleasures.

— Ven. Ratthapala

photo: http://kassapa.org/

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions

"So, for instance, if it's really wrong to lie, it must always be wrong to lie, and if you can find an exception, well then there is no such thing as moral truth."



"...one obvious fact, that you can love someone in the context of a truly delusional belief system. So, you can say like, "Because I knew my gay son was going to go to hell if he found a boyfriend, I chopped his head off. And that was the most compassionate thing I could do."
– Sam Harris

Say What?

If it is one thing ...it is another. I went to the Dr. for an MRI reading and hopefully a decision about surgery or not. After nearly one hour in the waiting room finishing my book, “MIndfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook, ” I was escorted to a room, where I sat in meditation posture waiting for the Dr. to arrive. More than 30 minutes later he rushes in and with his laptop say he can’t get my MRI up, seems like the website is down. Now if I knew this would be a problem I would have brought my copy. He does a quick overview, and decides to give me a shot of cortisone. A total of 4 minutes, after 1 1/2 hour wait. I said, if this all I needed why didn't the first Dr. do this? ....it looks like there was no reason to see you, and with a not happy face. I left, pissed off, drove home to get my copy of my MRI and drove back. I gave it to the nurse. I then went down to the first Dr I saw and asked why did I have to get an MRI at my cost, when the other did not care enough to have it in his hands when I walked in. His colleague had it downstairs, so it should not be a problem. I left, asking the first Dr. to call me and state why he had me get an MRI, if the other Dr, did not care(nor was consulted). I stated I could not afford this cost in advance. I left nearly two hours after my scheduled appointment and walked to my car.

On the way there I was lucky enough, to spin me out of my current mental state, to have a cute red toned cat come up to me like an old friend. He was so unlike most cats….he welcoming me to pet and caress him. I said this must be my partner. I later texted him to ask if that was he! I spent a good 10 minutes with this cat, that came to me. Then drove to get a bite, before a job. While waiting for a bagel, a 4 yr old boy walked up to me, out of all the people around, to ask if I saw his mother? I looked around for his description of his mother, as he was worried but too anxious, since he was busy pre-occupied with his toy. So, I said do you now where your car is? He pointed one way, but said she is probably in the bathroom. I said why don’t we wait and sit outside until she comes? I turned to get my bagel as it was ready and there she was, out of the blue even though I looked for her up and down…I leaned towards her and put my hand on her shoulder and said he’s fine….don’t worry. And she said, “Thanks."

On to my client’s house, arriving on time to find a with a note posted he was a little late. I walked to have coffee, and found a wallet on the stairs and upon talking it the customer service window, suggesting that they page the guy as he might be around. I finished my job with my client and went home and suddenly thought I thought I might never see the MRI disc again and drove to the Dr.’s office to get it. Now, three days later, I have not heard what is the final decision about the reading or an explanation of what to expect next. I have calls in to both Dr.’s.

All this points me towards the fundamental nature of all life, Buddha speaks of this as Dukkha. As long as I fight this, lying in bed trying to go sleep, with the heat of worn out muscles, and loose bones that is to be expected. I am no different than the ultimate reality of all life. It is time for more meditation, reflections to align myself with being awake, and put my self concern to bed. Learning from every experience good and bad. That's how I will really relax.

The Shifting Thoughts

photo: Bartek Kuzia

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....I knew I came here for something,

but I forgot.

Time shifting. A new concept.

The fake Bus Stop, a tool to help elderly people, often with dementia and alzheimer's, live in the present. They go and sit down with the intention of going somewhere until the thought passes. It beats locking them up, trying to force them to live in the now. Again, one more reason to start meditating while you can remember. Just watch your thoughts, they come and they go...and it up to you to believe them or not.

Set Yourself Up for Success

I hear the chainsaws buzzing...Looking out at the tree that sometimes blocks my city view and watching neighbors who are dealing with a different tree. We often think that as soon as we get this tree trimmed, a meal cooked or this health care bill passed...then we will then be happy. Sure these things need to be done, but we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction in the future laying so many definitions of what our happiness can be right now. If we can be happy while these things are not done or are in the process of being done we will double our ability to find happiness. Now, I know happiness may be a strong word so substitute contentment when it feels right.

Currently, I am sitting here while I write this with a torn bi-cep muscle, and lack of a really good sleep for a long time. A bit frustrated by all the Dr.’s I have seen in the past four years that never diagnosed this correctly. I even went to a hospital, and did tons of PT, and they never caught it. I have thought about writing one chiropractic Dr who treated me for 2 years charging me all that time. On his wall he a muscle chart. If he had a great knowledge of muscle physiology then at one point he would have figured out that his treatments were not working. The important thing is I did, popping another Ibuprofen. But that now..is in the past, and right now while I wait to see another shoulder orthopedic Dr. to find out how to proceed in surgery. Why they never sent me to him the first time around behooves me, but again, do I want to pin blame on being discontent at this moment on a past moment?…thinking that I will be happier. What done is done, money was spent.


Now, can I be happy at this moment? Certainly, if I put my wishes on the back burner, let go of the idea there is something or somebody keeping my happiness away. How to do this? Stop fixating on one single source of happiness, a ridiculous “one-brain-cell” view of life. I will go out and help others, send care packages to Thailand, maybe fix dinner for a friend and move on with a sense of ease about life. Yes, I can do that with pain. Why, you might ask? Because I know people are doing this all over this world right as we speak.

I often tell friends who first start out in yoga, “Set yourself up for success, get all the props you need to feel comfortable and when unable to do something…just rest in child’s pose and watch.” The most important thing you can learn is to be humble and turn off the comparing mind. Why pin your happiness to one thing, jumping to the next thing, once that is done? We are setting ourselves up for failure to be content at any given moment. It will start a chain reaction, if happy at this moment, and again happy at this next moment....we will be happy in the ever present moment. Creating our success.

A footnote, my partner who for years I had to hound him in getting his teeth cleaned, even taking him to the dentist and got him started on Dental care many years ago. He was the first in his family to have dental care, so it was out of his experience. This morning while talking he said he had them cleaned without me reminding him, to make me proud.

Unexpected Emotion

A friend rushed to a rendezvous at my house, before another friend's party we were both going to. I was going to drive, but he wanted to quickly donate money on my computer for the charity picked out by the host in lieu of gifts. He sat down in my chair, and started to cry unexpectedly. It was not like him, usually very busy and shuns spirituality, yet passionate and caring in his own way. Never shocked, I leaned down to hug him, and said, “What is this about?.. it’s ok to cry.” But he was already starting to shelve the emotion. I am lucky in this respect, my brain injury doesn’t allow me to keep it in anymore. The term for this is called emotional lability, a common after effect of my injury, my Neurologist friend says. I often debate, is it from the near death experience or the brain injury?

Anyway, my friend shrugged it off, as a by-product of seeing two long-term friends move away from the USA that he has known for over 20 years. And it went no further. I also observed later the transference of his emotion to annoyance with people and life in general on the drive over to the party. Something I know I do as well, as I am no saint. Yet, I felt sorry that he did not feel comfortable enough to cry in front of me. At the party it stuck with me, and upon returning I sat down to meditate. The first hour was very colorful, and settling…my body dissolved away.

The second hour, I picked up a small, carved stone heart my Mom gave me years ago on the table nearby…why I did? I have no idea, having never done that in the past. The weight of it felt good in my hands, and I continued to meditate letting whatever came up, to do so. Interestingly again, my body disappeared. I settled on wishing love, and my friend came up, along with my mother and the awareness I will have to say goodbye to her one day. I found that I accessed the same grief he had, and tears were flowing down my cheeks for long time. The stone heart felt very heavy, and I broke down silently so as not disturb my roommate. I leaned over sobbing, when finished, I relaxed again thinking about all the people I love and the role they play in my life. I wished my schizophrenic sister well, as she has divorced herself from me based on her own paranoia. I still always bring up the good times between us, trying not to grasp on what was…more awareness of the real love she does have, when she is well.


But I came back to settle on my roommate, who I feel is going through a hard time. This person doesn’t speak to me very often and is very fixed in views…but at the same time has been witness to my life, toil and turmoil. He has watched my transformation with more meditation, yet is never asking about it. The stone heart was warm in my hands, and I thought about the gesture of giving him this heart still warm from my hands, when he would go past me on the way out the door that evening. While still in meditation, sent good thoughts for him to walk up past me. I was thinking of just gesturing and not speaking and holding the heart out in my hand. Knowing him well enough that he would not see the point of me giving it to him or perhaps be embarrassed. I thought sometimes the simplest gesture makes the greatest impact. I was ready in my heart to give it to him... my heart was beating heavy and fast. I heard him walking upstairs to leave but my eyes were still closed… I guess he saw me sitting and closed the door and walked back down to leave out of a different door. I thought maybe this is not the time, and then you might ask why I never called him to make sure I did it? People need help when they are ready for it, and there is really nothing we can do to speed things up. The best I can do is be warm, happy and honest while carrying the right intention…remembering the wise monks I have met in my life that have inspired me by only their presence.