Wisdom Blooming

With the work it takes on my mind, so I don’t end up being a grumpy old man ...I sometimes see my progress. This week one day, I went to yoga and arrived early to meditate a 40 minutes prior to the class starting. I had my eyes closed, so I did not see that my normal teacher was not present, and a substitute started class. This is how I usually come out of meditation, and hearing music I was unfamiliar with I knew it was another teacher. I assumed she was trying to get her IPOD list for class, but it was really what she was playing. The music was not a “death jam, ” but it was still did not go with yoga, actually fighting the relaxing flow normally associated with it. I tried to deal with it as best as possible, but with my brain injury could not figure out what was going on. It was bugging me, so I put on my own IPOD thinking that I could do it visually …but again too much input for my brain. I thought should I tell her the music sucks? I decided I would not, because it is arrogant and most likely someone else would. I looked around at several students that I know to see if they looked unhappy. I stopped doing yoga, and tried to just be still, but I was bothered. My eyes while closed were buzzing, showing me how much anger affects the body. I was doing my best not to get angry, but still? I am not happy? No, I thought. Or is just the wrong music? Yes, and it could easily be fixed by leaving. So I quietly put my shoes on and left, without making a scene or a face. The old me, would have walked up to her and told her the music is not appropriate. But not now, thinking of the other members of the class, they would have felt my vibe and it would have rubbed off on them. I would be spreading my anger and really it was just one hour, and I could do something else. So, I hopped on stairmaster until the class ended. Later three of my friends came up to me and said the music was awful, and they complained to the teacher. She said, “It is my playlist.” And one friend even went to the management and complained.
My friend later said, “You left.” I did not say to her that complaining does make one happy, but thought of it in relation to me. The process of letting go of trying to control the outside world is one I have to practice every day. I have to also reflect on my errors while in meditation, because I will forget often. But this one instance showed signs of anger slipping and wisdom’s potential.

My Bailout

Walking home, I came across two trash cans that where blown out into the street and picked them up and put them back on the sidewalk braced by a pole. A car drove by and the man inside driving it yelled out, “You’re a good man!” Flattered and surprised, I said, “Thank you” and continued walking. I made me think, not about me, but whom in my life I could say that to. Immediately, four friends came to mind. This is not discounting my partner who to me is a firmly placed as exceptional, so I can put him aside in my thought wonderings. I have at least four good friends who without ever saying it always project an intention to love and care about me. I have more good people in my life, but these shine. They can be miles away, and I still know where their intention lies. This known intention allows me to have strength when the chips are down or when hard decisions have to be made. They are part of my bailout, which also includes mediating, that I use to combat any self-pity or worry. My bailout does not repackage old fears and mistakes and resell them to my friends.

A Swearing In Smiles

I went on Monday to watch a friend's swearing in ceremony to be a US citizen with 1077 others from around the world. While I set up to photograph from above, I stood up from my seat and a Chinese man took it. It made no sense, because he had to sit directly behind my ass, and I wasn’t very far from the seat in front of it. I used my Buddhist practice to let go and not yell at him and took the one next to him. It was a conscious effort as usual. Then I proceeded to talk to him about cameras, some small talk just to clear the air especially for me. The ceremony unfolded, the guy from immigration was entertaining with his address and his ability with at least 5 languages. And I thought there were no signs of intelligent life with the current administration. Then we had to watch two “B” hallmark style films about immigration, then the killer of the whole morning: Bush’s address looking sadly like a worried Alfred E. Newman. Next was the swearing in, proceeded with the roll call to stand up by each country A to Z. Of course China was #1, and Mexico #2. The oath was embarrassing to me with the request to bear arms for a now corrupt government for illegal war ("....so help me God.")
I really had to relax, but was rewarded when I saw the lines and excitement for Obama and the Democratic party registration table outside afterwards. Two pathetic, unhappy WASP women ran the Republican table with very few visitors leaving them very grumpy. I took photos of multi-raced people posing with the Obama’s life-size photo cutout. The atmosphere was so happy and charged up that I even photographed a woman when she did not have a camera with her and wanted a shot. I emailed it to her. Seeing all this made my proud to be an American again.

Without Blinders

We are still traveling down the road assessing likes, dislikes and neutral objects when we encounter a boulder that appears in the road. It was fine until the bugs, the heat, the other idiots on the road, and now a boulder. It slowly becomes obvious that you are a reactive state to things that appear to be coming at you. So if you dislike that boulder in front of your new sports car on your first day off in a month, you may get agitated or even angry. And with this you may start to add other things you don’t like about the day, the car or your life. I have often said you are really asking for more misery to help( right! help?) you to understand why this boulder is really NOT making your day. You’re so focused on this boulder, all else falls by the wayside. It does not make any sense if you break it down, but we do it (or at least I do) more often than we care to say. Now, put this boulder aside, you are barreling towards with blinders on and you have not at all noticed the beauty that is on the periphery of your journey. You may have earlier when the going was smooth, easy only because for one hot minute you forgot your dislikes. Likes: the wind blowing through trees, the sunlight reflecting on leaves, the wisp of fog burning off. Or one of my favorites – the smell of impending rain(yes, I smell it). Oh, and that person saying hello to you for no other reason but to share in the beauty of the day. And snapping back to your current upset state about that boulder and you are hard pressed to grunt “hello” back. The world is much more than little old me, and will show its beauty to someone a bit more awake than I, if I don’t change. And now for some reason, I am much aware of how little time is left in my human body. I want to view this world like I did at 12: big, amazing, beautiful, fantastic and ever changing. I like it.

Our World View

I am using the current downturn now financial crisis in the market to watch how my mind works. We know that we divide how we see the world up into threes: Likes, dislikes, and neutral (or no feelings). With our pick we quickly view the world and everything we encounter with our five senses. And a few rare times with our sixth sense — intuition, which I have spoken about in previous posts. You’ll find that you want to gravitate to things you like, but in the process you unfortunately find a lot more that you don’t like. For instance, in this economic climate one would be hard pressed to find something good here, and quickly worry or dislike. And perhaps panic. Just listen to the news, and watch them trying to make sense out of all this…they can’t, so how could you?

So, I have been trying to monitor how I perceive this current crisis and life in general. If I look back at my life and my family’s lives, I have watched my grandfather die trying desperately to hold to money and life. He did not like dying, and he wasn't prepared. We lose it all, and we die just as helpless as we came into the world at birth. All we can do is make wiser decisions on our path, and try not to focus on dislikes. We really cannot change to the world to be our way, and have everyone view it through our eyes. Nor can we shut down and go into a corner because we don’t like the way things are right now. What we can do is change how we see the world, and with our wisdom view it with a lighter mind. This is not to be confused with a positive outlook but seeing things as they really are, always changing. Try not to hold on to the disappointments of dislikes, there are way too many. They have the ability to change when we think we have it all arranged the way we like it. Look at the financial mess, we have enough history I hope, so that we remember when it was all good. Now a disaster…temporarily. It seems like we find ourselves constantly disliking something or someone, even to the point of looking for more things to dislike. Now think about it… we are causing our own misery one dislike at a time. For instance, even a neutral view of someone alone can prevent us from meeting the right person. We might walk by and not say hello to someone who can change our life immensely, holding to our narrow view.

The Noisemakers

I was meditating in the gym before yoga, and this came to my mind. Some people have the need to make noise. It is kind of like the “I am here!” drop of keys, a mat or a ball. It can be done without thinking, but I think it is done to get attention. I have noticed in Asia people are less likely to do this or be engaged even casually in someone else’s business. I know my partner is so quiet, almost in stealth mode. So, these noisemakers would be considered rude there. I know several times I have groaned while doing exercises, in the hopes of getting some sympathy and perhaps a smile. I just know someone is thinking the same thing, “Why am I here? Of course, I am not immune to these same things just becoming more aware. With my awareness I am saying hello more to strangers, instead of slyly making noise. Changing.

I will be meditating and the person next to me will have a friend who just happens to have some new gossip, and will come talk to them, quite audibly knowing I am quiet near them. I have now gotten used to every noise and refuse to let my brain go there or listen. Or to get bothered. It took time, and even patience with myself to not be engaged in noise or conversation. I can…with intention. I do think that when I die, people will continue to talk and make noise and I won’t party to any of it. Better get used to it.

Prisoner of Our Own Thoughts

I was recalling Monday all day Tuesday. Mainly, because it was an important event whenever you see a friend that still loves you. Well, on the way home transferring buses, I ran into a guy who is homeless that I see ever so often. He looks kind of Cro-magnon, and carries himself like dangerous person. When I first saw him years ago, I would avoid him to the point of walking across the street. At that time I figured he was mentally ill, and a bit violent. In reflection it is probably self-preservation on the street. Later in time, with the things I learned with Buddha’s teaching I had relaxed enough to say “Hi” whenever I saw him. Regardless what mood he is in. Well, guess who walked up to me while waiting for the bus with two books in his hands? Him. One book he had was a hard cover literary horror book with great well-known illustrations. He was showing me the book, and even liked the high quality work. He did not want to sell it to me, but he wanted to give it to me. I was not present in the moment, and said why don’t you sell it to get money? He kept showing the book and again offered it to me unconditionally. Sure I did not need it, but his intent was honest and good…and I was being an idiot in my own world wanting to get home quick. A day later I said to myself I would be doing the best for him by just taking the book and honoring his pure intent. I know now I owe him an apology when I see him next, my wisdom was playing hooky that day. Love does not always come in the form we expect especially when we are guarded. Tonight, I took more sealed lunches (left for me by my crossing guard angel) that I heated down to people I found hungry on the street. It was easy to find hungry guys not too far away. The oil painting is done by my friend mentioned in Monday's post. Dedicated to Michele, a homeless advocate.