Experience with Immature Thoughts

How often do we judge our experience down to every single moment on whether we are pleased? Be it food, drink, temperature, the views and/or the sounds we hear. If I find myself wanting a constant pleasant experience for myself, I find that I am constantly on the move. This seems so immature when I really contemplate this. More a mental experience than physical, always leap frogging to something perceived as better than what I have right now. It becomes even more pronounced when things might be difficult, even slightly. I have brain damage so severe that when I get too much input, be it noise or perceived chaos I get overloaded because my brain cannot narrow down a single person conversation from background noise. It is even more pronounced on the phone if the other party is in a really noisy area. Although this is a common problem with my injury, I am looking into how I deal when it happens because it like life, you cannot control every instance. If I examine personally at how I try to control life in general, and relax, I am in fact easing the stranglehold we sometimes carry around with our life experiences. Trying always to make them pleasant to our senses.Then in the big picture of life, I might be more prepared for the more difficult aspects of aging, sickness and death. We often daydream a fairy-tale ending to our life, or put in so far on the back-burner that the only existence it plays in our life is a certain child like approach to real life connections with friends and family. People are in our life for a reason and we sometimes take it so for granted that we dismiss any feelings surgically on a regular basis with no remorse.



As I got a massage in my favorite family run shop-house, they guessed why I am on the path. Saying, "Broken heart or a family death?" I said, "No, a logical conclusion." I survived my near-death not because of my strong will as most will surmise, but for the kindness of others. How could I have strong will if not for having love in my life to give me the strength? My mother played a very important role, giving me life for really the second time! My friends and even the night nurse who has since passed, saw the fact that I was more “there” than the doctors at that time said. And now look I can write this, when they predicted a vegetable like life, post injury. Can you imagine how a mother would take what they said at that time about her first-born son? To prepare for me to die. How can one possibly pay this back?



Ever notice a Thank You never seems to be sufficient when someone does something good and loving for you. The best way to return this favor is to be loving with others, transform your gift from them into something as worthwhile as theirs. Letting go of the power they gave you because it would be mature.

If anyone loves you then this really means they are sacrificing a part of their sense of “I.” Lowering their self-cherishing enough to look beyond. A gift we sometimes overlook.

I watched two policemen enjoy ice cream, brought to them by a superior when I stopped coincidentally to put a bandaid on my toe. I enjoyed the look on their face, and I did not even have to pay. We exchanged smiles, one of the free gifts of life.
The first part of my discussion is looked at it depth with Paticcasamuppada(Practical Dependent Origination) in Buddha’s teachings.

Standing Strong

One of the things that marvel me about my partner of eight years is his ability to not confuse minor disagreements with his or our love for each other.

His firm, unwavering love is brought forth by my love and concern for him. He knows my heart and motives as I know his. For this we are both lucky.

So, when I say it time for us to get our teeth cleaned, he may put up a little resistance thanking he is fine, but if I just direct us to the dental office, and not be angry or ugly…he is fine. And when I need twice as much work as he, redoing old cavities…he doesn’t gloat at his good fortune.

While they were re-drilling my teeth, I was thinking about seeing a Thai crematorium near a temple on Friday, and how it will too soon when all these teeth will be burning up along with my body. The slight pain I perceive to experience now gone up in flames, and it often seems so pointless. Do we do this to further the idea we carry of being immortal? Fix your teeth and you have cheated death?




Anyway, I am also very lucky he is not needy in the sense of reassurance about anything he does or needing to hear how much he is loved. He has that mature sense of himself. I am a better person by loving him, seeing a totally different world through his eyes.


For this and all good fortune that has come to me, I am going to be a novice monk. To get to know my mind even better
unfettered by life’s distractions.






My partner says there is no need for me to be one, but he will let go and let me try. His only fear, joking he said, “ I might like it so much I will stay.”

I say I know so little dharma, even with 5 years of being on the path that the temple will be happy to let go of me. Just kidding. There really are times in life that have to be thankful for what you have, and still be willing to give.

My Secret Dream Penthouse

I had a recurring dream I have perhaps once a year, last night. Always, a bit new. It consists of accessing and going to a secret tiny penthouse that I only have the keys. With 360 degrees windows in a small room, that you have to access though a wild set of dark passages, sometimes crawling up through. Now, I have set here trying to figure out where it exists in my memory bank of past experiences, and the best I can come up with is a mish-mash of details. It appears so clear to me at times and especially in my dream that I could spend hours rewinding the mental tape piecing it all together. I have had in the past keys to buildings, some of which had unfinished penthouses. I would go sometimes to get a view at night, at off hours and many times after I quit working, in said building. I have always had grand daydreams as well as those at night. Raw industrial size office buildings while I worked in the floors below. And I have seen some cool lofts made out of old brick buildings that I have gone to parties in. The image that fits the dream that comes close was the rooftop of a tiny studio apartment building I had in my early 20’s with nice views of downtown. I can, now, hours after I am awake, travel back to crawling up passages to show some people what other rooms I have. Knowing that they really don’t exist, and are composed of several other dreams. It amazes me and stops time. The lights are on, and yes, somebody is still home.

Inspiration Unfolding

After nearly finishing the Muhammad Yunus book on the way to and from work each day, my partner and I met on his way home. I was carrying dinner: 2 fish, som tum salad, morning glory soup and sticky rice. Last night he cooked for me, so it was my turn. He was excited, eyes lit up because the Yunus book inspired him to pursue trying to sell a new product he knows of. He told me the idea, and his plans to make it work. Wary of all the hurdles, but willing to try, even if he just learns from the experience, because he has a full time job, and soon will be in college for his masters. Even if it fails, it will allow him to use his college learning and put it to test in real life. It was great to see a book I bought him launching new ideas. He said he will finish the book today and I will see the product tomorrow. Days like this, full of hope and future and watching the gears work in his head. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. What more could I want?

The Luxury of Contemplation

"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering."



"It(meditation) teaches a way of looking at problems, observing them clearly but not necessarily trying to fix them or solve them."



"Mediation suggests to people that they begin to see all their thoughts as just thoughts, whether they are positive, negative or neutral."
-BBC News






"The Gap is the silent space between thoughts. It is the space where the mind stands still. No thoughts exist in this space. Hence, it is in the Gap that you can experience present moment awareness. From cultivating present moment awareness, inner wisdom and joy arises."
-Evelyn Lim

Help or Hinderance?

I bring this subject up to remind myself one of the many errors I possess. Oftentimes, we or I should say, I offer help to others when they don’t really want it when they engage us only as an ear. Friends rarely say, 'What should I do?" They might imply that, once told of their problem, knowing you would chirp in your fix. But trying to fix someone without walking in their shoes is damn near impossible. Silence comes in handy, being there to listen and be concerned. I know I have to quit trying to “fix others,” if only to acknowledge that my way is not always right. I can instead say, when asked, what I would do. Personally, for myself, but it can never replicate their particular conundrum. My near death brought me closer to being human, and actually further away from god status. That is where Buddha’s teachings can answer anyone’s questions about the frailties of life much better than I can. It comes with introspection as to why we act as we do, holding so close that “I” that is us and makes us feel so different from others. Photographed here is Avalokiteshvara, the embodiment of the compassion of all the Buddhas, whos thousand arms reach out to aid all the sentient beings sufferings.

Troll Crossing and Investing in Truth

This past weekend we spent time again with my partner’s close friend in Chinatown for all kinds of great food and a look at the dark market. He is a nice guy from Laos, and I can see why my partner likes him. He is positive and never moody. He has been over several times to eat and workout with us. So, when I finally took notice of his hands, I was shocked I did not see earlier. This is perhaps because he is so happy and positive. He is bigger than his hands, so as to speak. Anyway, his hands have severe enough rheumatism that they cannot bend correctly and are somewhat deformed. I asked why, and my partner said, “Because his parents were exposed to Agent Orange.

All from a country that is supposed to be developed(USA)." My partner is just acknowledging our part, but not confusing me with the cause. Some of the great maturity he possesses. He said further that his friend’s brother is worse off from the dioxin, and that his father has red bumps all over his body. This made me feel helpless, because I know the Vietnam war vets have been trying to expose this for years to help them get compensation and care from their exposure. All the more reason to know war affects a lot more than the supposed enemy. I still thank my father, for talking me in 9th grade and saying do not sign up for social security at school, that is how they find out to draft you. And if they do draft you, we are going to Canada. He was very much against this war, and any war.



I did get my partner to get a Tetanus shot, and this first Hepatitis A shot(next one in 6 months), which the Thai Dr said you don’t die from, but do you have B? He told him yes, and it should be in his chart. I had him do this shot years ago. I said Hep A and B are common in the developing world and he can’t afford exposure with his Thalassemia.

Two shots were enough for him, even though I have had four vaccinations in a day, before coming here last year. I am happy to pay to keep him healthy and on track for his masters.


Sunday night, we talk as we lay in bed talking about our collective history and the fact that is our longest lasting relationship for both of us. I tell him that he is my best investment, jokingly, but it is really the truth.