From a Beautiful Heart... a Surprise

Well, I have just come down after this week’s surprise gift… having to nap two hours from exhaustion. I started the day with an hour meditation, took the nuns some food I made, and did yoga. Still felt very tired. I have been working on the house, while paying my property taxes, budgeting money ever so careful. Meanwhile, my partner has been asking when am I coming and have I booked the tickets yet? I have been looking, but have not enough money this month. So, on Tuesday a friend emailed me and said he would like to give me an early birthday gift, a free 3 month ticket to Thailand. My jaw dropped, and being mindful as I sat in meditation that morning... going, this is excitement! I felt the blood rushing, and my eyes fluttering. With all my flaws and critical mind, I have been lucky to have a few good people come into my life. And stay. From the moment I met him, he has shown me he has a great heart. I had helped my friend in the past settle in another country with his partner when the U.S. was not willing. I guess I should not be surprised... just be very thankful!

The Path Light

The other day, a friend came by for tea. Excitedly, he told me about having three tickets to possibly win a multi-million dollar house. He went in with two other friends, only spending $225(his share) for the chance.
I said, “This might point to you to why I am on this spiritual path... You have two houses, a good job with a flexible schedule, full retirement, and money in the bank and you think that winning this house will make you happy?” He replied, ‘And, your point?”
That happiness does not lie outside of yourself.
It doesn’t mean I have fully given this all up, just bringing more awareness to every decision I make. Also, I’m not trying to be a killjoy, but he has asked in the past why bother and said I should just enjoy life. My difficult circumstances brought this to me and it is not a hobby or to fill time.

Tears of Gratitude?

I was sitting down to meditate and gratitude came up. My mother, the Buddhist nuns, my family(even my mentally ill sister), my friends, my current and ex-partners(one of which was cooking for the nuns at my suggestion), and the friend who lead me to vipassana( by not telling me, showing me).
Tears started to flow, and I began to think, am I mourning the loss of my ignorant self? Or perhaps, being so stupid not to appreciate them even more? ... and thus telling them? But telling someone they are appreciated is only words, and using wisdom to motivate right intention and thus action begins to call out stronger. Observing it again, it is just emotion, the heart peeling layers of protection off of itself. Layers applied to protect the self, which is really only a made up, or learned identity. Unlearning it is really relaxing all formally entrenched ideas of a self, independent of the world. If we were really independent, we would not have parents. Think immaculate conception(not here! Believe you me!) and it blows the self out of the water.

Create Your Own Happiness

Sometimes your allergies are in full bloom like the flowers and you take the pills. Some work, some don't. Some pills make you clean the house in record time, others leave you in the dust. At first, you say they are driving you crazy. But what happens every year? ALLERGIES. When I was a kid we lived for awhile in the middle of nowhere in farm country. My dad was giving me hell like, 'GO, find a friend!" The only loser I could find sucked his shirt, so it was really slim pick'ins. My allergies would swell my eyes shut, and only because it was all I had! Fast forward to today, they are a part of life and once you decide not to make this your misery, live with it, laugh more or meditate more. Maybe even nap more, and suddenly they fall away from your center of attention. Who is really in control?



Now how can you be miserable wearing this t-shirt?

The Dust Also Rises

My table in a quiet murmur speaks to me, “Remove my dust, please.”
I, like the rock can't move. I am waiting for the next wave of dust to settle, from the vibrations of life. Attentively, I stare, listening to the sound of silence. The rock says, "Hey, you, Mr. dreamy eyes, can you bring me some water? I really look quite handsome, with the salt water of the Kehoe beach. Don’t you remember when I left you so enchanted, when I surfaced among your miseries to wake you up? You dragged me home to sit in dust with all I have done for you? I tell the rock, “Hey, listen up, buddy, you're enjoying the vibes of all life, some of that dust is mine or I mean me…its’ really me. The rock says, "It is who? How can that be?" “It is the ever changing me, some of my precious skin lies there on you. Up close and personal. Are you wearing protection?", I say, laughing. "Hopefully, it is the fun parts, or those same enchanted parts we share, because I have shelved the misery for right now. So, enjoy the dust." I turn the light off and rock whispers, "sweet dreams."

This Hand ...

This hand shoed off the photographer at my 4th birthday party
because I felt shy.

This hand was held while my mother stopped my nosebleed when I had a fight with my best friend at 5.

This hand was held, by my father when they stitched my eyebrow cut open when I enthusiastically ran after my father to fish and fell face down on rocks at 6.

This hand grabbed a tree to hide behind when someone shot at me and my friend walking along a frozen creek at age 7.

This hand held the reins of my first pony I bought with money I saved from mowing lawns at 13.


...and Later

This hand was held by my partner when he was told I might die while in a coma.

This hand wai’ed the older gentleman crying who sat behind me as appreciation for his fortitude for
being there at a 10–day Vipassana, upon completion.

This hand fell on a nail and provided no feedback as to its state, besides being very colorful.

This hand swept up to the sky in yoga many times in sun salute, trying to make it mimic its mate.

This hand cannot feel anymore and too soon will lay still at my side and burn in my cremation.

Between now and then it is busy, Na?

Night Wisdom t-shirt

© A "WhereYouStop"
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Season of Change

With the same “off again, on again” vibrations of life, my Vipassana course cancelled at 8:30, because of a storm and power outage. I just laughed and started to un-pack. I was in email contact with one of the nuns when this happened, so she knew how much I wanted to go. Later, they called back at 10pm saying it was on. On the drive out there in a storm, I was buying tea for the teachers for dana, and something told me to buy a pair of rubber boots. Good thing! The weather seemed to be coordinated perfectly with the concentration of our minds, stormy snow and rain at first, clearing to sun. On the fourth day, I was lucky enough to be served a smile by another man in our dorm on the way out of the meditation hall in a kind of like a “whew moment” that we all shared. Tried to work on my numb left side in the meditations, and on the eight day my left index finger and second finger lifted up above the place it rested on my knee. On day 7th and 8th day, I found some heart “blockage” that I pierced in visualizations, as it arrived and passed. Just noting without craving, my heart beats clearer and adds some new vibrations even now while home. I am hoping to integrate this in my daily meditations, using body sensations to realize impermanence. Just the same my guard spider is gone for now, but he usually moves down when the wind comes up in spring back to the trees and hedges nearby.
Yosemite was perfect closing for the weekend ending of this course before heading home, a suggestion by a dhamma brother. Many Thanks All!

My Guard Spider

With my guard spider in place above my door, I am taking off for a 10-day Vipassana to work on some more anger. I need this after dealing with contractors on and in my house for the last two months. Luckily, I bumped up daily meditation to 1 hour a day. Sorry, I have been to busy to post these last couple of weeks, so here is a interesting TED talk on "The Birth of Word."

Imaginary Love

I, like the character Francis, was the sensitive one in my 20's, but luckily could walk away when things were not right. Not to say that there was not pain, tears or attachment. I still knew what I wanted, beyond the hormonal needs. Perhaps, I saw the future. Ha! Cute film, as intense as the early 20's see love. A couple of brilliant scenes of forsaken love. Ouch!

What would you do?

The Japan catastrophe is weighing on everyone's mind. I know the suffering there to me, occupies my thoughts. We have prayed in temple with the sole purpose to help the Japanese.

Today, I rode my bike to the gym as usual even though it was raining. On the way out of where I park it in the gym, I had just mounted and the band holding my pants flew off and landed right in front of this man who I have seen in the gym. He just steps over it and continues walking, when he could have easily picked it up and handed to me. When it flew off I laughed like saying," Ha!", and when he ignored it, I just continued laughing. I know if was in position I would picked it up.

This week, I had a 92 yr old woman who is my computer class come to try the restoration yoga I go on Saturday at my suggestion. I helped her get set up, and up and down, and when things got a little too hard for her, I set up up for a relaxing savasana with props and a blanket, But she really liked legs up the wall... a first for her. Some poses she said would like to do them just to keep the body working. She was inspired by my "niceness," and when I walked her to her car, she said Thank you gave me a hug. She in turn, inspires me in class and even coming to try yoga. And this why she is still going while all her friends sit home and complain about their ailments!

A "Drive-by" Poem

Today, a man stopped me and asked if he could read me a poem. Of course I said, yes since I have no reason to fear strangers. I had my good vibes shining, so it was easy to approach me. I did not ask why, and I gave him my attention. I had tons of things to do, but I took today to take care of myself. Restoration yoga and met a friend for tea, and a shoulder massage since I was in pain. Later, I bought some blueberries to make he nuns a fresh pie. Oh, yes and thanked him. So, here it is:

The New Poetry Handbook by Mark Strand

1 If a man understands a poem,
he shall have troubles.

2 If a man lives with a poem,
he shall die lonely.

3 If a man lives with two poems,
he shall be unfaithful to one.

4 If a man conceives of a poem,
he shall have one less child.

5 If a man conceives of two poems,
he shall have two children less.

6 If a man wears a crown on his head as he writes,
he shall be found out.

7 If a man wears no crown on his head as he writes,
he shall deceive no one but himself.

8 If a man gets angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by men.

9 If a man continues to be angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by women.

10 If a man publicly denounces poetry,
his shoes will fill with urine.

11 If a man gives up poetry for power,
he shall have lots of power.

12 If a man brags about his poems,
he shall be loved by fools.

13 If a man brags about his poems and loves fools,
he shall write no more.

14 If a man craves attention because of his poems,
he shall be like a jackass in moonlight.

15 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow,
he shall have a beautiful mistress.

16 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow overly,
he shall drive his mistress away.

17 If a man claims the poem of another,
his heart shall double in size.

18 If a man lets his poems go naked,
he shall fear death.

19 If a man fears death,
he shall be saved by his poems.

20 If a man does not fear death,
he may or may not be saved by his poems.

21 If a man finishes a poem,
he shall bathe in the blank wake of his passion
and be kissed by white paper.

I AM, and The Great Shake-Up

There’s a time in most everyone’s life where, through an injury like Tom Shadyac’s or mine will be just enough to shake all your ideas about life up until that moment. It will happen to you in one way or another, but how you will proceed after is up to you. I used to volunteer for post brain injury patients, and only a few of them in the first few months of healing will have that great shake-up bulb on. Most still had their blinders on, pushing me to tell them when will they get back to normal and that wore on me signaling time to move on. I would say in a perfect world you walk out of here in two weeks and drive home, but now is when you wake up to what is right here, right now. Few would start thanking nurses and family members for their help as a sign of comprehension. Now, I am not saying I really had anything to do with this, but sometimes patients would hear me talk (yes, I am still “injured”), and understand that their life too, might never be back to normal. Tom takes this as his jumping off point to ask those important questions in the film I AM. He realized that with his healing, that no man is an island.

The Fixing Mind- Enable it to let go.

Oh, thank you for a casual reminder to let go today and yesterday. Customized to me but then again how is one supposed to learn if you're not paying attention? Sorry, I am missing posts this past month with all that has been going this month, but I did up my meditation!

Saturday, I helped a friend choose interior colors for his space with unbelievably dark colors his designer picked. And he kept running to Tahoe to escape the cave the guy put him in...I told him that is why. I gave him 3 versions in each room, even painting them myself, and two more areas that, for me, had pretty particular solutions that narrowed it down more easily. We knew if I get involved we get the ball rolling, so that is why I jumped on doing it for him. On Friday, I had seen a friend at the gym, who asked me about kirtan with Jai Uttal, and told me about her desire to go, I remembered to find a kirtan on Friday evening and book it. I contacted most all friends, and no one wanted to go or had other plans…but I am fine going alone. On Saturday morning, I talked with my yoga teacher and he said he and his friend were going, as well. So, after a strong cup of chai I took off and met them both at the door. We sat down together in the front row and met two more people, We sat around and talked about teaching yoga to regular people with injuries, etc. I conveyed my interest in teaching, but with my voice it would be a problem. But I still think that my story and perseverance would help people when they first start and are awash in what they can’t do. It was so much fun, that I had a hard time sleeping that night with my heart full of vibrations.



Sunday, I started early with a meditation upright in bed, my body told me to chill, when I thought about the all the work I have to do after contractors where here. I started a small part of it, and then did homework, read, napped, taking off for puja with the Nuns. I walked into the Vahara, and one was meditating, so I happily and quietly joined her, and placed my glasses down.
Later, she quietly prostrated 3 times, and thinking we might do puja, I moved from meditation posture to puja (hero’s pose) forgetting my glasses and rolled over them.

We just continued meditating for an hour, and I fought the need to fix the glasses for the first ten minutes. It is what I wanted to meditate more than recite prayers, so it was my wishes answered. I did chuckle internally during meditation about the “fixing mind” which seems like it was tailored to me, growing up with an alcoholic father. I did let go and relax, and I was not tense. In meditation, I did ‘see’ a six year old girl in the room with a parent, not related to me, a vision… and even let her go. The vihara was formally someone's house. I happily drove to pick up my injured friend’s laundry to take home, after the vihara.

I did see someone today even though he pulled up his collar to avoid me seeing him… and let go of the need to say hello because he did not need it at the moment. Again, something I can't fix. As a sick friend said on Saturday… psychic! when I emailed him a spot on guess of what he needed to eat that day. A sign of showing love for himself. And yes, it was what he had.

"I'm Viagra to Classical Music...

>

...and aspirin to pop culture." – Hahn Bin

A Memorable Moment

Today, after class I quietly talked with the Professor. I said, "I can't take much more, the woman next to me, needs to be spoon-fed, won't follow any directions, and interrupts me constantly... Never saying please, calling me by the wrong name. I just can not get anything done or take this with my aphasia." Smiling, She said, "I marveled at your patience, how do you do it? I thought about telling her I am Buddhist, but in this instant it sounded haughty so I kept quiet. "This will be easy, I will move your seat. We always have one like her", the professor said winking.

Very few times in my life people have said I am patient. Besides this one time, the other times when they see how I am treated in public when I speak. Not always, of course...but sometimes it is quite obvious others don't listen. You can't change the world.. only yourself, and I have not snapped at her, only watched how I feel. Looking beyond the immediate moment to a future where I have to deal with this person or someone like her. At least my practice has some fruits bearing in everyday existence.

I Don't See ME

I will tell you something... for the past several years, I rarely look in the mirror, and I am not one to check myself out. It is because when I look into the mirror I don't see me, I see more of the body I inhabit, as strangely as it sounds. This gets me in weird circumstances with food or sun cream on my face, but that is more about my numbness caused by the accident...I can't feel it there, and since I don't check much ....there you have it. I do look people in their eyes, and make a point to connect, but I rarely look into my own eyes. When I "look at myself" it is much deeper than the surface, and in sort of emptiness that never includes me popping around. I spent the better part of my youth worrying about how I look, so I can keep it together almost as second nature, yet it is far less important. Most of the reasons I still do anything at all is not to look like I lost my mind when I lost some brain parts. On second thought maybe I should dress the part, then others might understand.
I found this, months after I wrote this:

Turning Over Frustration

It has been a full week for the brain-injured person, that I am. Watching my friend while waiting for surgery and then the following day after it, still in extreme pain was not fun. Now he's at home, and I tired to make easy for him as I could. I told him that I was proud of how he handled it all. I was running between school, gym, and work at home and my injured friend.So, I was happy to go for prayers and a sit with a nun on Tuesday night. I tried my best with the singing the prayers being exhausted, later settling down to sit for an hour. Silently, tears just flowed down my cheeks, while I started to label my feelings as sadness and frustration at not being able to help my friend, combined with trying to keep it together with my injury. By the time the meditation ended, the tears did, too and I felt much better. I would not say happier, but all the things I was holding inside ...vaporized. I came home read a nice "Sun" magazine story and slept.

I managed to stick it out in my JC class, and finally got a computer this week, as it thinned out. It is interesting and challenging being in a very diverse class of people. There at least three other languages spoken all at the same time between students. All this feedback and noise for me makes doing simple things twice as difficult. Plus the teacher his notes, her computer screen and ours, makes a multi-tasking free for all. I can actually see how my daily meditation in stressful situations like this one kept me from lashing out. I watched others that seem to have a hard time, and opened up the compassionate mind to put the “me” mind on the back burner. I found myself making sure whenever anyone helped me I said, “Thank you.” I tried hard to smile even when it took all my concentration just to keep up. One woman next on one side was very helpful, and on the other side matter of fact and very demanding. Normally I would make a scene, when she one who would chirp out demands right when I was middle of doing something. But when I finished one thing I said calmly to her, “I have severe brain injury, and it takes all I got to keep up! Please wait to ask me something, after I look towards you.” Saying it in jokingly manner, so she did not blink or register as agitation. Knowing that we really can't change anyone, and my irritation becomes really my problem rather than hers. That made the whole class seamless,leaving me up to date. When a nice speech therapist in class who fully understands my difficulties asked, "How did it go?" Smiling, I said, "I am handicapable!"



Working towards my idea that one's reincarnation is really about how other's remember you. And that as soon as you remove yourself( the me factor), and help others and engage politely, the day, even while being very difficult and exhausting…does not become stressful. I talked with several people before class, and one guy asked me about my injury in great detail. I usually express the experience with humor ending on wisdom, so most walk away not feeling pity and are mildly surprised. I want people to see the miracles that can happen dealing with change, that it is not always bad or dreadful. During class there friendly and humorous exchanges while we helped one another. Even our teacher relaxed and told a story about going “blank” in her evening class. In two weeks, from strangers.... we became “family.”

Reflecting on Removal

Last Sunday, a friend wanted to enjoy the un-seasonably warm and sunny weather, went running. Jumping across a small creek during his run, my friend landed on a slippery place and his right leg slipped over to the left while his body tumbled forward over it breaking his leg. He was lucky there was someone nearby who also heard it break in two places. Five to ten minutes later an ambulance was there, and before he could get any pain drugs, they asked a ton of questions while doing vitals and blood work to see if his heart could take it. He arrived at the hospital in good time, but the O.R. had no surgeons. He had to wait 36 hours before they could squeeze him in the following evening. All the morphine in world would not have made him pain free, so it was pretty difficult to watch someone close to you, unable to make it better. But I know from my hospital and ICU stay, that people or family around can keep you on the radar screen and sleepy nurse stations alert. There was at least two times when his day nurse forgot pain drugs on the schedule, and he could only page numerous times with no avail before one of us would raise a stink.

Now, it's Wednesday and he is moderately better and almost a bionic man with a huge rod down the Fibula. Now weeding him off morphine so he can do PT and go home to face the first two frustrating weeks of healing….nearly immobile. A fit man, who in one split second needs the help of many people. A good lesson in one’s so called "independence."

He was doing great even with the extreme pain by being mindful, and I hope I can learn from this. For me, watching a close friend in pain, made me think of the cute kids I saw in Cambodia with limbs missing. And of the pain they had to endure now referencing my friend, it became all too real. It brought home the realization of the magnitude of pain the land mine victims endure and most without any drugs or immediate help. Please help continue to help the campaign for removal of those devices and the ceasing of them being used ever again.

Walk and Chew the Fat

Signing up for a photoshop class at my local JC was not the brightest idea I ever had. Not only was it overbooked, and I have no computer only because someone changed the schedule to a different set of days. I walked into chaos with a multitude of tests and handouts to a really mixed group of folks….on the second day. It was not my fault, I was given and signed for the class with wrong information. I am very thankful that I meditate because the shear confusion in the huge class was almost too much with my brain injury. I managed to keep calm but after two hours we took a break before the next class where I could drop in to get up to speed, I called my sister. She could immediately tell the toll in took on me by my speech on the phone, we ended quickly and she texted, “it’s is not worth it if it effects your health.” But in the second class it had calmed down enough to talk to a self-taught whiz kid who impressed both me and the teacher. I thought I will give it one more day, next week and determine if this is right for me. It was clearly a sign of how bad the brain injury is, and how I work around it. Any place where there is too much feedback or crowds I am almost unable to speak….you talk about walking and chewing gum. Well, I cannot walk and talk in most cases, I have to stop and engage. Although, I can do Pali chants while walking, because it is not an exchange with another person. Spontaneous speech is probably the hardest for me, it takes twice the mind power, which is twice as much I have!

Bhutto - Benazir Bhutto documentary featured at Sundance festival

An Interesting historical documentary about Benazir Bhutto. It seems as though the US backed the wrong side. But you know corruption is everywhere....even here.

That Certain Pull

Every once in awhile, even among difficult days or meditations, I will have the profound realization that this path is really bringing peace to my life and the importance of it. It is not like I become more zealous, but I do let more and more things go that are not helping me continue on the path. The natural ones are part of the 5 precepts, but also silly TV that would keep me from meditating. So the TV is gone, last year….and I am less tempted to rent films to watch since with it went the DVD player. I am not finding it more boring, instead like an easy way to lead me to the cushion on regular basis. Sure, I still go see a few great films, and I am less likely to see an ok film just to pass time with friends. And with this 100 days of mindfulness, I am trying very hard to watch amy negative speech and with others that engage, I don’t join them ...instead be quiet or change to something more positive.

So yesterday, after a great day I went to my neighborhood sit with a “happy mind” yet found my body to be uncooperative, nagging at me…maybe since I walked there. Never-the-less, I found humor in my expectations to have a “happy sit.” I did not beat myself up over even going, nor keep adjusting my posture….I just watched how this ‘new mood” flowed into me without a formal invitation!

A Little Luang Prabang From My Partner

My partner, hates to travel without me, but still took a break last month in Laos. Some interesting shots from his eye.












Som Tum Salad, my partner's favorite.

A Challenge...

One of my three Sangha’s came up with a better idea than my silent thing. Starting tonight a 100 day retreat: Mindfulness in daily life. This is great because it coincides with the Nuns in silent retreat ending in March. Keeping the Five precepts at heart while trying to meditate daily or have at least 5 “quickies’ where you come into your body to examine how you are feeling, scanning your heart and mind. Trying as best as you can to use the Eight-fold path to end suffering almost as it surfaces in daily life. I will be curious to read on the Facebook page how different people write their experiences or suggestions. Just inaugurating this 100 day retreat tonight spurs me on to be a more mindful person in more ways than I am now. We are supposed to at collect ourselves at noon everyday sending loving kindness to all others involved, and use the power of this knowledge to continue on. Tonight the teacher said we should post the precepts on our Fridge. But, I have been taking them almost weekly for the past year with the Nuns. This has helped me to look carefully why I even have a glass of wine at dinner occasionally, nearly ending wine and beer consumption knowing that I am really happy without. Consequently, last year I can count the times I had wine or beer(I don’t drink hard alcohol) on two hands. More importantly I am actually happier than ever before and meditating almost daily now for three years. Is there room for improvement, you ask? Of course.

Meanwhile, I heard from a friend that Blood Foundation is inaugurating the first Muslim For a Month program in february with the success of Monk for a month. I wish I could go just for the experience.

Silence Falls Underwater

My silent idea fell apart when I got sick last week. My roommate was kind enough to give some OTC drugs to help that he had, and I felt very selfish not talking right then. I had to write it instead. Then I took the antibiotics that the Dr. gave me last Thursday night, and by Friday I had no appetite they were that strong. On Saturday, I was so delirious, made some food and took one pill and then had waves of nausea so strong I thought this is the end. I lay in bed yawning and feeling poisoned, and suddenly felt compassion for all the chemotherapy patients. If this is what they have to deal with, it is bold statement about the desire for life. By the evening, I figured out that most of my symptoms were caused by the drug rather than my winter lung infection, so I stopped the drug.

This morning a friend woke me, who just happened to be shopping to ask me if I need anything. Again my silence idea fell apart when he came by with food and some dark chocolate and saved the day. The soup he brought energized me, and we talked for two hours. It quickly became obvious that I need others and the importance of connection. I thought about my silent idea, and felt compassion for the deaf assistant at my gym. He can’t hear or speak much, and we often say hello by recognition and a thumbs up signal. I have brought him his favorite drink when he is busy working on the fitness machines, because I am observant enough. I try to interact with the staff that most ignore. Right now as I lay in bed trying to get better, know this human journey for me is probably not silent just more mindful. I do have the heart felt desire to cut down on my negative speech in whatever forms it takes.

Thanks to Jason DeCaires Taylor, who's brilliant work is shown here.

Firsts in 2010

Some firsts in 2010 that I’m grateful for:

Trying Kirtan with Jai Uttal even with a speech disability. Leading me to watch Manose on flute play for his mother…touching.

Offering my home to a stranger….and watching Meditation transform someone else.

Meditating with Nuns, celebrating female wisdom.

Yoga with “Ms. Happy Toes” Rachel, with super positive vibes and who taught us while pregnant …always ends the class with a chant. When was last time someone sang for you?

Having a new injury to remind me that my time nears, urging me to more compassionate and showing me the indispensable power of the Dhamma, yet again.

Watching a transformation in a monastic of letting go …allowing the clear light of wisdom shine through.

Offloading on Monastics

A woman stood up in the Sangha, unveiling a nightmare of family problems afraid of where it leaves her mind state in an upcoming retreat. Like a car wreck, you can’t help but listen and look but also feeling compassion for her because you know how she is feeling. She can’t possibly go into enough detail to get any kind of resolution. The teacher spoke of watching your mind, her aversion and the hurt while in mediation which seemed like a good reply, because it not about others but yourself and how you handle difficulties. Everyone has some difficult hurdles in life, and it all ends with our death.

I have told teachers and monastic’s details of my life, in casual conversation to help them understand why I say my sister’s name about whom to chant for during prayers. I spoke of her paranoia and schizophrenia that took her away from the family. She loves her delusions. I don’t really expect any monastic or teachers to solve my problems. I do see many a person, having never come for prayers or a Dhamma talk, offload on them, treat them like free therapy. They have given up a lot in the pursuit of wisdom, no drinking, no eating whatever and whenever you want and wearing the same robe. They suffer and probably still do…they are human beings stuck in Samsara. A fair bit of compassion should be held, by us lay folks. Maybe even respect, like make an appointment so they are prepared. When it asked for and the timing feels right, by all means discuss things that getting in the way of your spiritual progress. To give them a logical way to approach your problems, in the framework of the Sangha, their experience and your own growth. I am by no means saying to suck it up, but everything in life has its time and place. Sometimes, you will see a monastic saying nothing as you cry, from their wisdom seat they know nothing they say can be said to make you feel better…don’t be surprised.