It Happens, When It Happens

As I continue to peel away my past traumas in dreams and it meditation, I am also excitedly putting together my partner’s fiancé application. I am still shocked the law finally ruled in our favor based on my life’s experiences, confronting hatred and prejudice. I did not sit around and complain only these last 20+ years, I was still involved and out there. Facing things as they came up in work and life since 18. Perhaps, all this was in the cards when I first saw poor boys playing in a photo book on our family coffee as a young boy. This is one small piece that helped trigger my awareness of others and the world.

Could I be living a life that has already been laid out? I have told many people if I never had my near death and brain injury, I would have never be where I am today with less anger, more awareness and happiness. I really feel I would never get here even at this age, spiraling into disgust with life based on not feeling safe at home or out in the world. My “rebellion” was to find fault in everyone and the world, and graduating for me was doing in a form for a career, and socially in a sarcastic and funny way. Not to paint an entirely messed up life, there were some important people and events along the way allowing me to form relationships. A few people noted it, but nothing was eye-opening enough to totally shift course. 

The main thing that it has been awakening is my upcoming marriage feels like it is way less about me, and more about how to further make my partner’s dreams come true. Although when I bought my house it for the “two of us”, the other being my last relationship that fizzled under the strain of my near death and trying to figure out who I was, post injury. If I can step back whenever things get difficult with my current partner and see it from his eyes and see any displeasure as my expectations getting too grand. He will be coming from a foreign country, to an imaginary place he dreamt about, and this is my chance to see it all anew.  Luckily, he is sensible and we have already spoken about the fact that it may be hard to make it here, even with his masters, we’ve opted to perhaps sell and go somewhere else less expensive. I will try not to add any more burdens to his difficult life, just more opportunities to show my love through my letting go.  There is a great sigh of relief knowing if I die tomorrow he is provided for and I have at least helped one person. I feel I have turned my life around enough to make a difference and this provides a dampening of the whys of existence. We run around all over in ideas, desires and experiences with the hope to feel the contentedness underlying my existence right now. It doesn’t mean that I am free of problems and worries but they probably won’t be based on that old existential fear.

 

Going back to the laid out idea, why did I have a room full of religious paintings if I was not religious at all when I started? I would often say to people that I admired the unsigned paintings done in total devotion for any help they can give in this difficult human life. Not knowing it that it was really a sign that the ‘me’ has dissolved for them and I was nowhere near that when the paintings and I met first. Maybe I ought to attribute my collection as a collection of the ironies of life? Or they were just a time killer waiting for awareness to kick in?

What Won’t We Get Done?

Patiently sitting in the house of a stranger, it quickly becomes the familiar like the appearance of a slightly different movie set. It is your house in a different life or dream. You try not to interfere, but you know damn well it could be you in that bed, and these supposed strangers ...are your family. They are very considerate, you could feel their immense love for their friend and each other. The chanting was beautiful, halfway through profound wailing was heard and it took all my strength to remain calm and present with these emotions conveyed. I did not look or connect to see it who it was. I did not feel uneasy, only my heart was trying to reach out of my chest.


A man is dying...and his wife prepared the walk with flowers to greet the nuns with love when we arrived. In my head, I say this is beautiful, but private, so I stepped far away from their path. Suddenly the door opens and his wife bows to the nuns. I had asked earlier if I should stay in the car until they felt a need to have me enter, but they had no idea what was the status when we arrived. They were hoping my stroke experience would help him…just pure intention.

It really happened fast to him, and there was no time to plan. I won’t go into too many details out of respect. I walked outside to get some air and to pet the cats that had waited patiently near-by, sensing that something was up. A half hour later a man walked outside and we talked, me breaking the ice with an explanation why my voice was bad after I commented about the trees on the hill.  I asked, “Is that a tree house way up there?” I listened to what he had to say. “No, it is only the sky peaking through the trees.” Then easing into some of my story, because of his preplexed reaction to my voice. In the process, I reassured him that my near death left me with no fear and detailed the experience. The worries most of have about wanting more life in this body are only born out of the fear of the unknown.  I saw his red eyes clear up some and forehead relax knowing it what he heard was no bullshit. I encouraged him to meditate soon, to see what how we really think, and spend time alone with your mind. Without vocalizing it, I conveyed that difficult times are a catalyst for change. More fear will release naturally that you have been carrying around all these years. A good half-hour spent talking with total honesty, in a relaxed way.  Letting him lead where this conversation went.

It was time to leave, and talking with the nuns who I drove there, and unknown to me I was speaking to that family member who had cried earlier. My jaw dropped, that the same person who really needed my compassion had found it their own time in their own way. Instead of any kind of awkward, forced or fake sympathy I would have offered in the past…it just happened organically.

 

I knew I had to go to Mozart Brain Lab therapy and the puzzle that I was close to finishing was on my mind. It triggered something before arriving...We will always die with unfinished business.  So, I decided to stop it and just feel the emotions of this small symbol of death, right now. I would normally finish it, and look for some small sign of accomplishment... energetically. So this is not like me. As the session ended, which I did in meditation posture instead doing a puzzle or some other brain connection game and we moved to hearing chants to seal the therapy and relax the brain, I broke down. Not that it wasn't expected or embarrassing. I wanted to wail, but tried to keep it down, with the others clients in other rooms out of respect. Some was what remains in my body from my life experience and it can be expected. Could be that experience earlier, helped to access the things that need to come out. It was combined with a very frank discussion by a close surgeon friend, during the previous night’s dinner, talking about his clients generally to me about death. In a moment of silence and with complete honesty said, “No one really dies peaceful... unless I say, ‘good-night’ alluding to seeing them in the morning and then they pass with relaxation. This is why I think it is always about others, making them happy,” with a furrowed brow.

Unbinding, For a Start

Some Sri Lankan's can't swim. Maybe they never want to leave.

While in the process of healing it became obvious that I had to work on healing the dark parts of my soul, so that I could possibly help others as well as myself. And one good way would be to share my story in a public venue. I tried a little, back when I volunteered with post stroke therapy in a hospital in the process of answering questions of those curious.  A few patients and/or their families were appreciative, but after a while I began to see clients and almost immediately tell who do will do well and who would not.  A mixture of both their ability or inability to accept this new change and who came or did not of their family or caregivers. I quit when it became painful to see. But I did some winners and great families step up like mine did. Meanwhile, I raised my own standards, as more personal flaws became known to me, and set off working on them. 

Just a little history to point me the need to tell my story, and points to interconnectedness of people where a single incident of delight can trigger others.

I was in a jovial mood after Sri Lanka(thinking of seeing my partner after a 2nd trip solo) and making connections both with the security and a man who both happened to see my Buddha amulet once I took it from out of my shirt to show that it was no weapon when I was individually patted down. All the security were very happy to find out I am Buddhist(or more correct, I try to follow the Buddhist path), and then I showed them on my phone a photo of me when I ordained in Thailand. Instantly, I felt like I just got accepted into a big family, and everyone came to look. One gentleman who was a witness to this as well, wrote on a card of a monk and temple I need to go and meditate in when I return.  As well, when I arrived there three weeks earlier, the staff of Sri Lankan Airline's offered me a ride in their van to the local bus stop, even though the bus stops there, just a friendly goodwill offering to beat the rain that was soon going to follow. The new airport in Hambantota made me really not want to leave, I guess because more goodwill incidents kept happening.

All these special moments really do make one happier, setting off a chain reaction and thus when I arrived in Bangkok I was caring their good will in my heart. I chatted up one man waiting in the skytrain and he ignored me(possibly language reason), then quickly on to another who was Sikh trying to use a famous voice(Snatam Kaur) as a way to break the ice. There was no wall of separation between us as with most strangers. Yes, of course he had heard of her and seen her sing live. Although she was not needed, this particular gentleman had a clear heart and thus launched us into almost an hour long conversation. And this is how I return to the need to share my story, which we had talked about on the ride. He planted a seed. That it is and was unique enough with my near death. I am guessing he was a Dr, and a speaker who flew there for a talk that he was giving. I said that I am still trying to figure out which points to bring up that would help others grow in their own life. Here a few ideas of what I may discuss in my "broken voice" that will hopefully not convey pity but fearlessness in the near future.

Wewurukannala Vihara Temple

WAS ONCE'S Healing Hints:

— There are no guarantees in life or birthrights for that matter.

— When bad things happen don't compound them by taking on blame or assigning it to others, for that matter. Still working on this one.
— Turn “why me?” to “why not, me?” That took me at least a year!

— Raise your goals. When don't meet them, use them to inspire you for the following day.

— Believe it or not…you may have to use “making others happy” to access your own healing. That will become obvious with time.

—Examine your thinking at every level, even a slight negative mind state will become a cesspool of misery. (This lead me to meditation)

— Relaxing is the greatest skill you could learn in this lifetime.(learned from an ex-monk)

— Fall in love with your illness or disease. If that doesn’t work then fall in love with the wisdom you have gathered from it. I got to that point in a few years, that I now longer wanted my old life back.
— Be grateful for those that reject you, but be forever indebted to those that stick around.

— Admit your failures or laugh at them.(Jump start it by laughing at your past egocentric perfections)

— TRY EVERYTHING, it will eventually trigger the hope energy to blossom, and give you more reasons to continue thus allowing more healing. Let go of things that “should” work, and move on…we are each a unique being with a mish-mash of life experiences.
— Stop comparing yourself to others perceived as “bette” than you and actually see how lucky you are. You obviously are still here because you have more to learn before you die.

— No one will fully understand your suffering, flip it ...try to understand others suffering or just be quiet and observe.

all four photos were shot by my partner, soon to be my husband

Did You Take a Photo of It?

Thai street food for our dinner, old photo from past

Enjoying a dinner last night at an organic restaurant as a birthday gift from a friend and our main courses arrived. They were beautifully presented. He then said, “Take a photo of it,” since I had my camera with me.  I told him that my partner, who he knows as well, told me that to take photos of food when people in the world are starving is like bragging. Perhaps, in reflection, it would be like photographing all your money. 

My partner, as I have mentioned before, had a very tough life, dumped with some poor village elders who hardly had enough to eat themselves. In addition, he was nude until about 4, since they had no money for clothes for him. Food was scarce and they ate anything they could find, insects, snakes and rice rats were normal in their diet. Compassion for others grew out of his own suffering, his adoptive grandmother’s teaching and being born Buddhist. I then quietly reflected on the compassion I have learned from him, especially now since very shortly I will engage a lawyer to get started on finally marrying him. This is after 12 years and two honeymoons based on our own celebrations, and even having rings since 2008. Now, I have to prove that we have a relationship and have love, and we been evolving for as long as it has which to me sounds truly insulting. I will have to produce old emails, photographs, plane tickets and sworn testimonies from family and friends to prove its validity… and some cold hard cash. To do business in this world there are funny laws, and love really never comes into it sadly. It is all about money, not compassion. If I can’t take my own experience as use to strengthen my own compassion then really my life and struggles will have no purpose and I have learned nothing. And I can’t just let the perceived pressures of this process have any bearing on our relationship. Because he is worth it.

embarrassed by hard times

Turning a Little Against the Flow

After temple with the nuns the night before, I felt connected yet knew the following day could have easily been spent in trying to avoid self-pity. It lead to a hard night’s sleep, and was that not really nourishing. Just gives you a real clue as the mind-body connection. I am pretty much familiar with my moods, so I knew the best defense is to do something totally spontaneous. I looked at a non-dual site on the web in near-by city and I saw an event happening the following day. I went to bed without committing doing it, leaving it as just an option.

I got up early since sleeping in wasn’t on the menu and did an hour of yoga alone(my partner is still 8000 miles away, and planning on marriage now that the law normalized) finished in time, and jetted out the door to that event with no knowledge of what I was getting into. Risk is only based on the mental blocks to change and the unpredictability of life. Sheesh, I already lost a good portion of my brain so this was chump change of a little cash and an afternoon. I arrived on time, and met one of the people putting it together, then the man who conducted this event(did not know at the moment we met)it was looking to be a small gathering. Of course the awkwardness of fear was subtly boiling in the background of my mind, but I drove a long way, and it just silly to back out. I was beginning to just relax because letting go is just that. And I can pretend with the best of them. I was lucky to talk to a woman who sat beside me, who graciously offered some of her iced coffee, and I got the feeling that this will be O.K. I am always aware that in groups of new people my speech is all over the place, but nobody knows me. As usual most people are too afraid to ask what happened so I have to spill it out someway that I have a brain injury just to get it out there as why my speech is awful. This commonly happens at inopportune moments, and the frustration often shows. In a perfect world I think would start any meeting of people not familiar by standing up and spilling the beans so that there are no questions. Maybe once I will try this, and I think my frankness with strangers will enlighten them as much as it will allow me to let go.

Now, I can’t really do justice to this teacher’s method but it was based on awareness in the presence of others and the world, rather than on the cushion meditating with closed eyes. He had us pick randomly others to gaze into their eyes for like 5-10 minutes, and talk about the awareness we were feeling, to get us all used to each other and to bond the 26 of us. Personally, talking while gazing there is something that will give with this brain injury, so I was reluctant to speak. For most people, including myself, one let’s go of the fear of being so exposed quickly. I was very happy that the man who expressed the fact he probably not be able to stay feeling very challenged ended up staying the entire day.

As the afternoon progressed, it became obvious that the two gazers lose their mental images and quickly deal straight heart to heart. Mirroring the others breathing rhythm and tuning up each ones emotional state, which points to why I and the other man stuck with it. It also pointed to the interconnectedness of all humans, and led us all to simultaneously bond. Oh, by looking in each other's eyes, you can balance the hurt and difficulties that we all share even though based on totally different circumstances. And when we gaze at someone more adjusted you can then actually get some power from the other to deal with your own stuff, non-threateningly. There are no vampires sucking blood. It's a no bullshit way to instantly build a connection, all guided with this teacher's knowledge. Ironically, this is what is what I purposed to a friend a few months ago that we should stop getting together as two bubble heads talking about ourselves, with the hopes of having some gasses escape and instead meet and not talk, and just let our hearts speak. 

By the end of the 5 hours when we had looked into most people’s eyes we took this enhanced state outside for a walk around the neighborhood. It felt like walking meditation that instead of looking 5 ft ahead of you on the ground, you examined trees, flowers and bushes. A half-hour of it was kind of magical, but hunger took the forefront of mental state and I found some blackberry bushes and plum trees on vacant property to forage. It had been about 8 hours since I had my morning vegetable shake, and my stomach was growling. The day’s experience was very interesting, especially seeing the fear creep in and disappear out the same mind, allowing us to enjoy the closeness and meditative qualities. 

Are You Trying Too Hard?

I sat down to meditate an hour with some exhaustion showing up. My eyes teared, not out of sadness, but out of tiredness. Am I tired from the day, or from trying too much? Certainly with a brain injury, exhaustion can show up at any time, but for right now what came to my mind was just the fact that I am trying too hard. I want a payoff for suffering, I guess. We all try too hard to be something we are not, from something as simple as make-up or smiling to someone we expect to influence positively. I think at times I am trying too hard to be wise, knowing in the back of my mind that if I relax any thoughts of doing or pursuing this path…. I will just rubber band back into ignorance. I do know that not imbibing in alcohol has been as natural translation of the manifestation of wisdom. That came out not of doing or trying to be better than others. Surely, trying will still come up out of my desire to be more aware. I must not expect any trying to manifest in happiness even when it is subtly masked as an undercurrent of wisdom. I know I am trying too hard to wash out the bad experiences in my life that made me into who I am…. or at least expose them in the hopes of beginning a new happier life. 

I have recently restarted my Mozart Brain Lab, because we did my sessions too fast in the past, and did not see much improvement in speech. In reflection about this, I said to a friend recently that if I never get any better in speech, I am totally fine with it, because I know that it will not change my life. I am not thinking the same way about my wisdom goals, because I am still expecting it to change my life. I want something still, and hence I am trying too hard. Am I dressing up desire to play itself out as a dance of wisdom? Certainly this wisdom path has brought out my natural ability to help others ten fold, but also exposed the selfishness that came out of hurt and difficulties. I know I can’t expect my life to really have any more meaning to me or to others…it just happened and will continue its normal course…with wisdom or not. I am just a tiny bit more aware, and that is about it.

Energy Fields and Modern Technology

When It Goes Dead Wrong

Recently, I went to the airport, and being in the last part of the plane, ended up having to check my  carry-on at the aircraft door. I did not throw a fit, just explained that it was a tight connection, so I would not have enough time to get my luggage before my connecting flight. I hand the women my boarding pass with my final destination, because I saw this coming on when our plane announced it was leaving late. I had gone to the counter to see if I can make my connecting flight and was given the other boarding pass. All this was done with a calm and polite manner not with any threats or disgust.

Sure enough upon arriving no luggage appeared and I watched a few people in my family get out of sorts...I used to be that person. I kept reflecting that if this is the worse thing I encounter this day, I will be so lucky. Then, I overheard another woman who lost luggage and not only did it have her medications in it, she was leaving for a cruise the following day. She also was calm in her approach but her daughter with her to pick her up was getting bent out of shape. Of course,  I watched the mind throw fear of losing the important papers and gifts inside my unlocked bag, I immediately went to the wisdom of not knowing until it is concretely resolved. The fear was experienced and let go of.

I could see first hand how a situation like war gets started, and the personal at this end had nothing to do with the mistakes or errors. One is so quick to share their gifts of anger and disappointment with others, and yet when things are good they think they deserve it and don't share the best. Last week I having a good couple of days, and made the decision to bring fresh chocolate chip cookies to personal at my gym, knowing they have to deal with displeasure often. At my acupuncture clinic, who provide me with a discounted day to get a treatment,  I found that their toilet was leaking, bought the part and fixed it for then free, saving them a $100 dollar plumbing call. I know my time is limited for this life and these small gestures will plant a seed of happiness in someone for them to share. Isn't that what we want to experience? 

Oh, by the way the airline on the phone this morning inquiring about the lost piece and they said they will deliver the luggage to the house, saving me gas and an hour drive if I can be patient and wait until later. I said, "Sure and Thanks so much."

Sitting Wisdom, Puts Out a Fire

Overheard... a handsome young man talking about his first Vipassana experience to fellow meditators on the 10th day when silence ends... “I found out... I am less important than I thought.”

Do We Always Have to Sell Ourselves to Others?

I was talking to a stranger in a coffee shop, lately and came to the realization I was trying to sell myself…early in the conversation. Trying to get him to find something interesting enough in me, to continue talking. This was not a beauty contest nor was he a love interest that would spin this into a whole separate problem. I just wanted to give him a teaser as to the man behind the fucked up voice. At least the fact that he was a Vipassana meditator made it a whole lot easier. I was thinking while talking to him, that what we all really need is to shut up and feel each other’s intent coming from our heart. Our heart will tell us where to go with this anyway. Let’s all let the silence not disarm us but instead inform us as to the full capabilities of the mind/body spirit.  Perhaps a satisfaction beyond what anything most of us has experienced in the past. You can recall a child before he was told what everything, and fed with tons of fears would get a glow of intense curiosity just seeing a new person. 

Most of us walk into every situation with a face forward, one-dimensional approach throwing away ¾ of the feedback our mind/body is able to perceive all around us.  With check-list of everything we require at the moment, which is so specially targeted to our moods and past disappointments in life. This sets up a high potential to fail instantaneously if any expression or word is not to our liking. It is desire that screws everything up, first and foremost.

That will mean that we almost have to shut-up or least I think I should more often. You are your own master. Maybe that alone will naturally let compassion flow easier once we open all avenues for feedback that we are capable of. Truly, get to understand the world and our connection with others.

Beauty Found in Observing

I will sit again in a ten-day Vipassana soon, and often people ask me what is my goal, “This time?” The people that ask this are not meditators, so I often don’t know how to answer in a way they can understand. I really enjoy not doing, and the relaxation of all that tempts you to not to be quiet.

Just observe my photos for a few seconds.

What do they first trigger in your brain before a story hits…a feeling? …a memory? ...a desire, perhaps? These photos only represent to you, what you deem is important. Then come up with a guess about the story around each one, if you like. You are your own master. You know the first thing that comes up as a feeling will probably determine the story.

Just like when I meditate I observe any feeling, thought or image while my body can give feedback as to the value I place on each, at that time. The brain/body connection can its work their magic when I either present a relaxation or tightening around each. I don’t have to do anything but observe, 

like you are doing now(double-click to enlarge).

Wisdom, Caught Me Blaming

A Galle Sweep

When I wrote Trusting Again ...to Resolve Old Issues, I wove my father’s influence into the story, when in fact the whole experience had nothing to do with the past. It may have made it interesting, but it was made up as far as his influence, but not what occurred. He never came up, and although I learned some of my reactions from him this was about as far removed from anything he said or did. Instead of just living things as they are, and learning from them… I deflected. Of course, one of the precepts addressing false speech combined with my natural wisdom, it began to feel like I need to address this before moving on. Blaming others, will never produce the wisdom I so desire, so this was announcing its ignorance in a kind of achy way. Ironically, that is when I came upon a great Dalai Lama quote, “When you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” Perhaps, I was ready to listen. 

Siddharta
shows me his Yoga moves

 Hopefully, I can now proceed with the wisdom that everything that I encounter and thus experience is my own doing. In the case of that Tuk-Tuk driver, I ignored early signs that he was not truthful hoping for a local connection while there that could help me with my decision to buy or not. He did serve a purpose to steer me away from buying there and for this I am grateful, but it certainly was not his intention. As we travel through life regardless of how many family members and friends we have we are really solo... and at times it can be more pronounced. So, I ought to use that time to really feel things out and let the wisdom naturally come to the surface. Any sadness I had about the outcome was first built around pity for him and then feeling alone again with my decision. This probably led me to blame. Still running for that wisdom bus.

Bambi Bus

What Ever Happens — Make Your Soul Smile

Trusting Again... to Resolve Old Issues

I took upon myself to try to help a poor Sri Lankan man, living in a shack on his parents property. I was warned by other Sri Lankan friends in the hills, and by a monk in Matara, ten years ago that 20-25% of people in the south are bad. So, I had clues that it may turn out bad, by his previous small lies, but I figured I would put a limit and watch out. Cautiously stupid...to put it jokingly. To give him a chance to redeem himself, knowing that I would have spent the same amount on myself anyway in travel. I figured he would use it on his Trishaw loan anyway, regardless of what he told me, and I was aware of how much gas costs, and his low profit margin especially now when it was low season. His loan stills needs to be paid, and it is not like it was going in the wrong places...like drinking. It could be considered a tip, by me anyway, because I used him for three weeks. I won't go into details about what tipped me off about the driver, but several occasions quickly confirmed and I cut off all contact with him. I even have him a chance to redeem himself when I outlined why early on.

Feeling Guilty because women do all the offerings, a Driver 
posed in this picture( not the one of the story)

Now, you would say why would involve yourself in drama? In a total reflective mindset, I think it came actually from childhood wanting approval from my alcoholic, depressed father. The trishaw driver and my father are not alike, but deep down I take these things on to make a difference...in someone's else's life. The driver has called, and texted many times over the last week, but I will not talk to him again, afraid of more lies. I gave him too many chances, but each time the real truth never appeared. And I hate playing this role, making it painful to see his texts. In comparison, I tried, but guess I really never forgave my father, because he never apologized for the hell he put us through as children with no way out. On a positive note, his life ended within one week of visiting me, many years ago, and we had resolved things enough to end well. I can still see him walking and talking after a dinner we shared, and he had some clue it may be his last with me by our last conversation and the way he carried himself.

I was trying to treat this whole situation like it was new, but there were tastes of it that smacked of unresolved issues. And always the clincher... expectations. Ironically, the first sign of lying was he started to call me "father," which sounded so insincere since his father was still alive. It could be from doing this trip alone, I wanted to make this feel less selfish. At least I can say that it was interesting and thus helped me prevent further loss. It enabled me to meet other people in this small town that did tell me the truth of land scams and various other incidences like how the hotel owner fooled a Thai businessman to get his beach property. It was a small price, yet painful, to pay for good information, and perhaps further unraveling of my past that I once thought was settled.

Paradise Unravelling

Residing in a cheap, no A/C, no hot water, older room in a up and coming hotel in the off season, in an almost remote setting.....puts a strange twist on your grip of reality. And staying put, more or less shelving the camera because it gets in the way of truth I begin to see life as really exists here in Sri Lanka. Surely, there is a part of me that wants to see and experience new, new, new in an attempt to obscure the reality of my up coming death. On the other hand, I will swim in dangerous surf every morning with no one around to rescue me, today walking by locals saying, "Be careful," while walking away from the beach. Half hoping that now is time for a tsunami wave, or one good shark bite ...because now is just as good any other once you have seen the suffering of others in life. It just doesn't get better when you are an emotional connected person. I don't easy disconnect with people.

Today, my room door had a small knock, and I opened it to friendly young man that works in the hotel to come ask if there is any way for him to get work in USA, because he is oldest and needs to provide for the family, and 10,000 rupees a month doesn't cut it. Plus he is worked to core and has to live on the premises, even though his village is less than 40 minutes away. It reminds me of working at a high end ski lodge when I was 20, knowing I would never be able to afford to stay were I worked, helping to maintain a healthy dose of seething anger. He was not asking for handout, he just wants to be able to work and earn enough. Later in the week, I'm invited to his home, but I have feeling that once I see the fact it still has no roof yet, it will be etched in my mind. I really have a great memory and it's the only thing not really fazed by my brain injury, so I won't forget it.



Behind the smiles here in Sri Lanka, there is like almost everywhere in the globe great division between the haves and have nots. Only here the corruption, double crosses( fooling people to invest in property, fake the documents with a lawyer, just so that they legally take it back) , and overcharges are rampant. So soon many people have put aside Buddhist precepts to get something little or something big.

This afternoon I took prints of photos I took of the women who make limeade with unfiltered tank(man made mini reservoir water). We (my Trishaw driver and I) gave them one to the daughter of a woman who makes limeade, and were suddenly asked( because I don't wear rings) if she could marry me and come to US. Thank the quick tongue work of my driver, saying I am an ex-monk to throw her off. Later when a elder monk stopped us to get Dana for his temple which was fine and it was only 100 rs. it was a welcome change.

A brief glimpse of radiance, happened when I got my haircut on this new year holiday, and I wasn't up charged 10 fold like they normally do, because he was an older barber with morals intact. And when I went to a village family for Kola kanda herbal porridge, when asked how much for two glasses, she said, "Up to you." Just reflect on the setting of a family of 5 in two room house, with not much else but love and smiles to share, reminds me I have to download their photos and take to them before I leave. Which shows the other side of the coin of my existence still not quite ready to throw in the towel.

Sri Lanka Photos of Fire

Buddha Contemplating Stages of the Body

A Fiery Sri Lankan Sunset