Clean House

Someone the other day, asked me, “Who cleans your house?” I told them, “You are looking at him.” I think when comes the time to get help to clean your house, you either are too damn busy, or you have too much stuff. Now, this does not take in consideration of the handicapped, elderly or single working moms. But in general, there is something to be said about taking care of your space and the pride that comes with it. I was just out of the hospital with a stomach tube, exhausted with the healing process of the brain that needed tons of sleep and I still was happy to be able to clean my own house. That meant I was getting better. What about cleaning house in your mind? Do you think you just store thousands of worries, disappointments, signs of anger in there, without some leakage? Someone will see you don’t have a “clean house” one day, and usually won’t be a day you picked. Now I am nowhere close to perfect, so I am always working on it. Today, for example a friend needed to talk to me very impromptu. I was going to leave to go home, but this was important for him to talk. I just thought about putting my own wishes aside, and I am glad I did. I am honored to find out how much he cares about others. I have to remind myself to be a listener, so that others will listen to me… which can be extremely difficult.

Be somebody

Are we what people see, or what we want people to see? Almost 45 years after Marilyn Monroe’s death, we are still dying our hair, and getting pretty. Too pretty, to match our favorite star. And, for what? …to hide our insecurities? We are human, and we do have flaws, and trying to live up to ideals of perfection thanks to advertising. I am not talking about basic care like washing and putting on clean clothes, People that let it all go, need help. I am really talking about showing people who you really are, not some TV reality show version of you. What happens when the person you are interested in, finally gets to know you, without all the bells and whistles? You will be so unlike how you presented yourself, enough to facilitate a “buyer’s remorse” claim. Any wonder why 11 million Americans are on antidepressants? Perhaps they are depressed because they don’t know who they really are or facing it made them sad. You are not what you own or wear, or for that matter, how great your hair looks. It can be scary to be yourself, but can be so liberating. It just might help to turn off all the noise to meditate and find out who you really are.

House of Dreams

If I am lucky, some nights I have a long sleep full of dreams. Filled with versions of my real life, both past and present. Traveling to places I have been or want to go to, or even a house I want to live in. I find myself laughing or being amazed while participating in the dream. Waking up, I try to figure out where I am and what was real. The act of putting your feet on the floor solidifies reality and then I go to make coffee. Your mind created this and the waking world can be just like this, too. I meditated at the gym before a yoga class, in a room full of noise and activity. That helps me to get better. Stopping as soon as the class started. Opening my eyes, I saw the teacher. Who would ever believe it was taught by a show tunes/modern dancer substitute? Why be upset the regular teacher was not there? I just continued the dream while being present in every move. Of course, he knows how to stretch from dancing days, so it was based mostly on this. It was very different experience, ending up in Savasana(corpse pose) on the floor, hearing some wailing show tune. But it beats sitting at home, wondering if you had enough coffee or not.

A Fourth of Something

I got it, I often show only a fourth of the appreciation I have for the people in my life. A reminder that we have to acknowledge all the things your friends do for you. We went for drive on this hot July 4th day, through a kind of “The Day the Earth Stood Still Day” city, surprisingly void of ugly traffic, to a town by the beach. It amazes me that my friends tolerate my disability, only because it is a hard for them to listen as it is for me to speak. I jokingly say that listening to me is playing charades game. I felt a bit out of the party of the day, which just left me the usual voyeur. Although, it did make me fall in love with where I live again and thank my friends.

Shoot High

Let’s celebrate this funny desire here to live beyond your means. Just about everyone around me has or wants to have a Mercedes, Porsche, BMW, etc. You know so many of these people cringe when the lease payment comes each month. Perhaps, they thought they were so smart borrowing on their house to buy one. Guess what? Just like fireworks, they all coming crashing down one day, if not financially…spiritually. Do these cars really make you happy, especially when someone backs into it or scratches it? I figure if you can afford it, you can buy it outright. But wouldn’t it be better to buy a nice used car and help poor people? I know it is a huge sacrifice to give up something you really want to help others. I will tell you when you get close to your death, you will be glad you did. Helping others will give you a real sense of purpose, next only to that, I suppose, of having your own child. I know this from experience, and drive an old car and help a poor family, so I am not talking out of silly habit. Plus, if you know me, I give gifts of donations in your name instead of gifts. That helps to lessen the non-stop garage sales for those that have everything they want. A few people, when they bought my birthday gift that I asked for, like a donation to a Mercy Corps, have actually told me they felt better. There is another one of my charities listed in my favorite sites, Street Friends. After seeing poor children, some with mine destroyed limbs, I knew I had to help. You can just send the amount you spend on two cups of coffee a week, and hardly change anything in your life. In turn you are able to help kids learn and have hope. Giving up the new car I know was a stretch, but I always shoot high.

Stuck Nostalgic

Forming your new self after an important re-birth after an extreme close call with death, brings you constantly to who are you. Certainly, I have relaxed the idea of my old self ever returning, but often some nostalgia creeps in life. Watching one film on a famous and now older race driver, John Fitch still continuing at 87. The other was watching Günter Grass interviewed on Charlie Rose about his new book. Peeling the Onion. I can already imagine myself reviewing my life as an old person, and much the same as these two totally different men I watched. I hope this propels to do even more than I do to help others, so my regrets are fewer. I did today go to the hospital to be a peer visitor to new stroke victims. The way I can help is mainly to just be there as a reminder there is life after the hospital. Few words need to be spoken once they see me walk in. Surely, I can tell them some of my personal wisdom, but it seems to me that this comes to people when they are ready to assess their new life. So, I try not to tell them anything difficult unless asked and just smile. After, I felt the need to pick blackberries in the sun and have a beer with my roommate. I like the idea of getting stuck while picking the fruit, so it gives you a sense of accomplishment and makes them taste even better. Something kind of normal for me, and nostalgic.

Prisoner of Sorts

Sometimes you got to do the things that you don’t like. An early morning meeting with a client, just to let them babble on about their own life enabling them to get used to me. Walked away 2 1/2 hours later, and not a penny richer but was able to get under their skin. So I know they will call me when it is time to get started. I have to play games, never give out my phone number, and communicate by emails. I learned the hard way, when new people hear my voice, they immediately think “Quasimodo”. They ever say, “Thanks, but no thanks” or pretend they have a wrong number. Figuring two can play that game. Upon meeting me and thus feeling better, they joke, “So, that is why no phone number!” If I laugh with them, and they think they are so smart. Best of all, I am calm enough to work around other people’s fears and not fight them. Happy that when I left we felt like old friends after talking about other things than what they needed. I know it is important to give them a little bit of your life beyond work so that they feel connected. Came home a little tired, because speaking to new people for that long wears me out. I wanted to nap, but went directly to the computer to forward my other good clients emails to them.
Then I left to enjoy the sun, by going to the park to meditate. Full of kids, and happy noise yet I was still able to go inside myself for 40 minutes. Upon returning home I got tangled up in figuring how to use a new program to protect my photos. Finally, and again calmly eliminating bad results over a four hours time period, that any sane person would spend outdoors. I put fun on the backburner, just make me feel ok about providing my own photos on the blog.