The Luxury of Contemplation

"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering."



"It(meditation) teaches a way of looking at problems, observing them clearly but not necessarily trying to fix them or solve them."



"Mediation suggests to people that they begin to see all their thoughts as just thoughts, whether they are positive, negative or neutral."
-BBC News






"The Gap is the silent space between thoughts. It is the space where the mind stands still. No thoughts exist in this space. Hence, it is in the Gap that you can experience present moment awareness. From cultivating present moment awareness, inner wisdom and joy arises."
-Evelyn Lim

Help or Hinderance?

I bring this subject up to remind myself one of the many errors I possess. Oftentimes, we or I should say, I offer help to others when they don’t really want it when they engage us only as an ear. Friends rarely say, 'What should I do?" They might imply that, once told of their problem, knowing you would chirp in your fix. But trying to fix someone without walking in their shoes is damn near impossible. Silence comes in handy, being there to listen and be concerned. I know I have to quit trying to “fix others,” if only to acknowledge that my way is not always right. I can instead say, when asked, what I would do. Personally, for myself, but it can never replicate their particular conundrum. My near death brought me closer to being human, and actually further away from god status. That is where Buddha’s teachings can answer anyone’s questions about the frailties of life much better than I can. It comes with introspection as to why we act as we do, holding so close that “I” that is us and makes us feel so different from others. Photographed here is Avalokiteshvara, the embodiment of the compassion of all the Buddhas, whos thousand arms reach out to aid all the sentient beings sufferings.

Troll Crossing and Investing in Truth

This past weekend we spent time again with my partner’s close friend in Chinatown for all kinds of great food and a look at the dark market. He is a nice guy from Laos, and I can see why my partner likes him. He is positive and never moody. He has been over several times to eat and workout with us. So, when I finally took notice of his hands, I was shocked I did not see earlier. This is perhaps because he is so happy and positive. He is bigger than his hands, so as to speak. Anyway, his hands have severe enough rheumatism that they cannot bend correctly and are somewhat deformed. I asked why, and my partner said, “Because his parents were exposed to Agent Orange.

All from a country that is supposed to be developed(USA)." My partner is just acknowledging our part, but not confusing me with the cause. Some of the great maturity he possesses. He said further that his friend’s brother is worse off from the dioxin, and that his father has red bumps all over his body. This made me feel helpless, because I know the Vietnam war vets have been trying to expose this for years to help them get compensation and care from their exposure. All the more reason to know war affects a lot more than the supposed enemy. I still thank my father, for talking me in 9th grade and saying do not sign up for social security at school, that is how they find out to draft you. And if they do draft you, we are going to Canada. He was very much against this war, and any war.



I did get my partner to get a Tetanus shot, and this first Hepatitis A shot(next one in 6 months), which the Thai Dr said you don’t die from, but do you have B? He told him yes, and it should be in his chart. I had him do this shot years ago. I said Hep A and B are common in the developing world and he can’t afford exposure with his Thalassemia.

Two shots were enough for him, even though I have had four vaccinations in a day, before coming here last year. I am happy to pay to keep him healthy and on track for his masters.


Sunday night, we talk as we lay in bed talking about our collective history and the fact that is our longest lasting relationship for both of us. I tell him that he is my best investment, jokingly, but it is really the truth.

Creating the World You Want

My partner was slogging through a Khmer History book, probably because it was too dry, or the translation into Thai not very good. He made the comment that why do only foreigners write about Khmer history? He threw out there that Cambodians don’t care about their history, but I told him that Khmer Rouge killed most intellectuals and that is probably why.


So, I bought him in Thai, “Creating a World Without Poverty,” by Muhammad Yunus and he is speeding right through it. He loves it and it is well written. It is something he is very interested in the idea in coming from poor roots himself. I try to inspire him to think big, that good ideas trump complaining. And some great ideas come from regular folks like you and I. If I give him the freedom to think perhaps he will change the world, too. I got him into reading years ago and he told me no one at work enjoys like he does, besides cartoon books. They also don’t ask him about the books he reads, so what is this with lack of curiosity here? Is it part of the non-thinking ideal here? I hate to generalize, but it seems more a product of education level. They are short-changing themselves is all I can think. The lights are on but no one is home!



Nevertheless, I will focus on someone I can inspire and make a difference in. And today, he showed me how much I mean to him in his excited enthusiasm about life... after coffee, that is!

Gold Buddha's New Home and Tara Appears

I was talking to my sister about being here, living in my brain most of the time, because most have no idea of the extent of my brain injury. It makes me physically tired to deal with others, especially when trying to communicate. I know that my sufferings are minor compared to what others deal with on a day to day, just trying to find money to eat for example. Perhaps this negates my suffering, because it only dwells within the confines of my mind.This alone is one good reason to pursue Buddhist Dharma, to get of the self-concern I sometimes have.



On a brighter note, I went to view the progress on Wat Traimut’s new temple to give the proper glory to the solid gold 5.5 ton Buddha. It is marvelous, and almost done and it looks they are shooting for dedication on the King’s birthday they missed last year. I was hoping to find a CD of the moving of the Buddha to the new location by crane. It was a crane accident many years ago that exposed the plaster to view gold underneath. I can’t really express how impressive it is and I have not even walked up the steps. I can easily understand the delays in finishing, and I could see in some workers eyes their honor in working on this while laying marble stone at the base .





















Later much to my amusement I ran into a Chinese Mahayana Avalokiteshvara temple, she is known in Tibet as Tara and in China as Guan Yin. I was involved in a Tara empowerment before I left home and she found me here. I missed this in previous trips here, so maybe she is seeking me to remind me that my suffering is meaningless and have more compassion for others.





I was given impromptu, a Guan Yin cast statue by friends of my aunt and uncle last year as well. While I am posting this I was listening to "Drala, Child of Illusion," and for the first time I realized that they chant in the song, Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha. I replayed it to make sure, because this is too weird. So, I guess she working hard to find me.

Without Drugs? and Giving Thanks

I am thinking of aging and dieing without major long-term pharma-ceuticals use. This might sound great now, when I have no major illness to maintain or control. But when I was just out of ICU, I quickly convinced the doctor to take me off of blood thinners. Later when they prescribed anti-depressants to help my speech(they did somewhat), I hated the feeling and quickly got off.

I have seen so many older folks end up taking so many pills, that they have no idea of how they combine and react over the long term. Or one drug made for one symptom could easily cause another. Just read the fine print, which I am quickly finding is too damn small for me. Plus, Dr’s in USA are pill crazy, no preventive answers. We all know that aging make your blood vessels smaller and many times ends up with high blood pressure naturally. I posed this in a forum, and one person said my view is provocative and could easily agree. But he was worried about illegal drugs, and the ease of legal drugs and often they are consumed. He did confess he was on High Blood pressure drugs and a statin for cholesterol. Further he said that feels to be in good shape, yet says he doesn’t exercise enough. Signs that he like me could keep on top of our own health better as always.


We all have seen Grandma or Grandpa with their daily pills regime, often times taking multiple pills with nothing but water or juice. Just imagine what your stomach and upper intestines look like. My polyp in my upper intestine was caused by vitamins over the years, lying there dissolving in mass, oftentimes without enough food to absorb. Later, in his further replies were more about addressing life and thinking death is not imminent. Yet, we do not know ever, how soon it will come knocking.

We all probably know someone who died when it wasn’t there time and the shock experienced with this. But, hello …the shock was even more pronounced with the person thus described. Unresolved feelings and appreciations for all life has brought so far. This is why I am going to be a novice monk next month. It will allow such a space to really contemplate life and to give appreciation and thanks to my mother and all my friends, and especially those that stuck by me after my injury. In the midst of life’s total upheavals, I have been fortunate to have love and heart felt concern for my wellbeing. I could only repay this by helping others and making it my life focus. It is good that the money I give to the temple and the foundation attached to be a monk, help disadvantaged Thai and Burmese in schooling and income generating projects.




Next, I will try to convince and pay for my partner to go get his first eye exam at age 30 this weekend, and get his teeth cleaned which he now does every year with my suggestion. Wink. I finally had to get glasses to read outside of home, because it became hard to compose photographs in camera. Oh, well little signs of my stubbornness. We were made for each other.

Waving Away Stress

Monday, I decided to get an exercise stress test here because it is way less costly than at home and I am the age where a heart check-up would be smart. Even though I have a health plan at home that I pay $346 a month, it would cost me three times or more what it costs here. Plus, here you can walk in and ask for it, without a Dr having to first see you to order the test.

While waiting for the room, I saw a very handsome, and obviously well off African couple. The wife, looking worried, while her husband waited to see a Cardiologist. She was wearing a fine tailored silk dress, adorned with jewel-like sequins down the front in lines tastefully and on the cuffs all in great orange harvest moon color. But what made even more a study where how her feet were tattooed in ivy on the sole and up the sides, along with outlines on every toenail. My guess from a African Muslim country with her head-scarf in three stripes of raw silk. She looked proud and so beautiful I wanted to photograph her. But this was not the time and place to do so, but she is now in my memory. She stands out so much from the Arabic countries usually in Black silk, with that ugly face bondage that reminds me of medieval torture…a narrow, metal band on the forehead, and a wide metal band over her mouth, with a husband either in white silk kaftan or western clothes.

I got in within an hour, and the nurses started to put the electrodes on my chest and then tape them down so I could run. When finished she asked me to sit down, and I winced because the tape was so tight and pulling on my hair. She asked, “Are you having a chest pain?” Because most Thai’s don’t see a Dr until it is too late, she still could not figure out why I was there. I just replied, "No, just my hair being pulled by the tape." We did resting test for awhile until the Dr came out from ICU, then on the treadmill trying four increasing speeds on incline while monitoring my heart. The Dr just watched and took a couple of phone calls. It was pretty easy even in hospital clothes and shoes that were not mine. The blood pressure cuff on my arm messed up a couple of times because of how I held the bar, which I usually don’t do while running. The stress of my muscles bumped it too high so I changed position. The test was done in like a half hour, and my heart was fine. The doctor said my two small cups of coffee I had 4 hours earlier showed up as blips. I take no drugs besides allergy medicine in the spring. So he said to cut out coffee or have only a small cup a day. I know that coffee in me feels like speed, makes my eyelids twitch, and often makes short-tempered, so it was good to have him tell me to cut it out. Not bad for a bi-lateral stroke survivor. Damn, now I have no excuse not to exercise. Seriously, I want to keep pushing it to keep my body healthy and lean. Then out the door to see two more temples and back home to run.