Dear Sister, How Do You Do, Now?

One hot night in Florida, my sister and I went out dancing, driving my dad’s car when we both visited him. I was a pretty good club dancer, and it was time to have fun during a family visit. My sister was a good sport, and we now of the age and maturity to become close. She had had her first schizophrenic breakdown, but was back in college, and dating. We separated in the club, dancing with different cliques. I went to have fun and dance, but evidently she was the hit.  She met a handsome Peruvian, and he invited to his Mercedes parked outside for a little nose candy. When we got in his car, it became obvious he wanted my sister, a lot, and he was just asking for my permission while entertaining us with a huge cigar box filled with cocaine.  It was still dark, and for miraculous reason while being high, my sister and I were on to his invitation and game. Tapping each other’s legs in communication while in the rear seats, so he could not see. So we asked him of instead of driving us to his huge condo to party on, that we follow him in our car, so we could avoid Miami Beach parking fine. He dropped us off at our car, and we proceeded to follow him, but we both had the idea that this would be scary to follow a big drug dealer home. I drove and we waited for a place to ditch him where he could not turn and follow. The cocaine was running a good dose of paranoia through us both, excited and determined to get away. She yelled at me, “NOW!”, and I quickly turned left while he got on the freeway, unable to stop in a flow of traffic. We did it and sped off in the opposite direction, with her looking back and reporting to me, stopping an hour later to rejoice, laughing non-stop. Dawn light was beginning to show the potential of yet another beautiful sunny day with oranges, pinks, and yellow. I had won my sister back….this time.

With concern constantly coming your way, your family is carrying great shock and yet its mixed with a total understanding for wanting peace from your mental illness. Thirty-three years you have been hospitalized many times, walked homeless unmedicated and forced to get shots, all while being a bright intelligent woman with a masters in film, each episode you would try to return to have some kind of normalcy. Your escape to New Zealand was your last ditch attempt to escape the voices in your head in a country with a decent mental health care system. Damn, you tried and tried, when I would have just quit life. Then, later losing your new husband and love to a mentally induced suicide in foreign country was something none of us could imagine. So the leap was for peace and reuniting with him, and you went into the abyss happy and determined. The family deep down, know it was never about us, and will try to balance the hurt with logic as we place ourselves in your shoes, with the mental illness you were born with. With your new found peace, also goes the delusions of persecution about several of us were decorated with, but know that all the love in the world(our mother tried, and never failed you) cannot surpass schizophrenic paranoia.

Do You Believe in Your Own Suffering?

Then sit with it. Looking forward to my first 20-day Vipassana, because I am now a bit more familiar with my mind. For those not familiar with Geonka's Vipassana's they are about 10 hour sitting meditation per day, with no phones, no internet and no contact (besides teachers). One is on your own pretty much, self disciplined for the most part by the time you can qualify for a 20-day. I like my location for it's remoteness and they have a pagoda with individual cells to get deeper faster when there is no body but you inside.



How sadness and anger come and go naturally, and how the body reacts when all other distractions are not available. I will be curious during the latter half, when I totally give up on the planning mind and just be and watch. I know by now, my body usually disappears, especially sitting in a pagoda cell, and I am left with mental awareness. This all happens, as concentration gets stronger. I can spin on whether “I” exist at this moment, and with no contact, whether there was ever a “Was Once.” I do know once I pass from this life in this body, besides the first year of family and partner exhibiting some grief and sadness, it won’t really matter …which will play into the ego’s fear of non-existence. Curious, if that was ever important.

I know a couple of servers who will be there, and they told me that anger usually rears its ugly head with men who sit their first 20 days, and they jokingly said they will move my shoes, or mess with my meals just to see how it will play out. I have learned a lot about myself serving, in fact far faster than sitting a 10 day course, so this all will hopefully give my partner more to marvel at as I dump even more anger. He is has been kind to mention unprompted that he has seen a huge change from when he first met me 14 years ago, which is contrary to most people as they age. Knowing I need more maturation, I have working towards this sit and not to hand a badge on my wall of more suffering. Something inside is driving me which is exciting.

No Rebirth, No Ghosts, and No Gods

With a re-examination of what he was taught or had passed down to him, and the new freedom to learn; my partner explained that there is no rebirth, no ghosts, and no god(s). He now believes this and that those are only taught to control people. He went on to say that this is about it, that is ...one life and by walking the Buddha’s path of wisdom we can make it easier for yourself and others. Free-thinking is a new idea for most Thai’s, caught solidly in the black & white dictates of society. This happened at his own time, and he still hangs on to some ideas to loosen later when he learns more.

This is a sign that he is slowly adjusting himself to American culture while reserving the good parts of his culture. It is hard to qualify our culture when it is mainly a potpourri of many others that are quickly displacing our English/Christian beginnings that formed the society. So, I have not given birth to a monster by our marriage and his move here. His comfort with the solid love and caring I have provided for 13 years helps, when he feels strange in this new land with others. With my practice and meditation, he in turn feels like he provided me with some inspiration, as well. Especially, when I show any anger, even though more than half incidents come from my brain injury and aphasia. As he jokes, “Ghost In!” even without me saying or doing anything. Just being...grumpy.

Exploring the Self in Travel

For many years I would leave the comfort of my home for Thailand to spend some time with my partner. Most of the time he worked, with the exception of my first long term stay, over 10 years ago or went we traveled together. So this left me time to walk about and photograph, meeting people along the way. For me the interesting part, is almost everything about my history and life in the US became like a faint dream. Thus, it would feel like non-existence, especially when I went on walks alone while he worked. I could ask myself, “Who am I?” and alternate between that and wondering about making up my whole existence in fantasy. Also if I did not speak no one would know about my brain injury or question my speech. My home… in own way, contains worries along with the history and everything leading up to it. It was pretty easy to let go with a good friend staying there and taking care of things. With my computer I could interact with family and friends while home, but I made the conscious decision to carry just an old cell phone, and not be totally connected all the time. This allowed for even more spontaneity in the days, leaving me to return only when my partner came home for dinner, many times eating after a evening run.  A few times, I would take off later while he slept to scout for some night shots if he was really tired and I felt inspired. Allowing me to unload past conditioning and the story of me based on location. I am not really scared, walking around at night, since I can feel my surroundings, danger will give you a warning most of the times alter before any incident.

You Should Care about MES AYNAK, amazing Buddhist History soon Destroyed by Chinese Open Pit Mining

Mes Aynak, a magnificent Buddhist city, is the most important archaeological discovery in a generation. But it is sitting on a vast copper deposit and is about to be destroyed. — theGuardian UK

Please contribute to raise awarness

to the Saving Mes Aynak film site:

Tricked Out of Wholeness

One of the biggest fears people have is in the case of an accident, or your body has illness or any life-changing event…they will be rendered useless by not being whole. This fear is based on a delusion springing out of their mind, and I was just one of those people until my brain injury provided necessary actual life experience to bust it all up. With this comes the flood back of new fears once the dust settles to fill this huge hole in your ego's assemblage. And that also is not seen at first, because it happens naturally based on your individual conditioning. I had a new fear arise out of complications of communicating by telephone around a particular screw-up around health care of not my doing. I found in naps and at night I would cry out, “No, No, NO!” while having wild dreams.

Yet , I had not encountered what I feared, yet or even close. It was totally silly, and my guess it was based again on not having a clear enough picture of my future. A future that is based solely on thought, since it has never was experienced or will be, since life plays out what it has in store for you later, unattached to any ideas you carry around. Many times you will see that these fears have a similar root base that plays out like a broken record over and over, again. So before you get hooked on a fear, just sit back and watch the mind at work and see what really, is the problem. Perhaps, you get into the bad habit of linking multiple imaginary fears as the mind spins out of control?  Our mind likes to do this, a habit of thinking and not just existing. So, close your eyes, breathe and relax...watch…you will not see the world collapse in blazing glory. “You” are whole now and even when life throws a wrench(any wrench), despite what you may think. 

Sri Mooji Dissects "Who Am I?" in English/Italian

A very beautiful pointing to one’s pure awareness. Start at 4:20 and ends at about 44:00 for this one Italian woman for which we can all experience and perhaps learn...bit by bit in a great loving explanation. I advise earphones, for those easily distracted.

Escaping the personal identity. 

“To be a somebody is a burden”

Choose Acceptance with Any Loss

We all have seen some miraculous example of some disabled person doing extraordinary things, like running a marathon with one leg or like when I saw a boy with half of his brain(removed) learning to swim after his operation. How does this happen? He or she accepted their loss of whatever and moved on. This can even happen when you lose family and dear ones who pass, whether expected or unexpectedly. This is not to whitewash any grief that happens in the process, many times never seen by others, carried heavy in the heart for a long time. Once you realize that you really have no control in life, and that once you fully accept a death or a personal loss about your own health, you become free of the grief that you seem to be hooked on. Even a sense of ease comes when it appears that you have forgotten that grief. Often times it comes in small doses at first, unknown consciously until that begins to overpower the grief that you once held, when it gathers enough steam.

We have the power to choose acceptance earlier, if that is what we truly desire, without confusing it with not honoring those things we have lost in the form of guilt. This guilt that we feel is more about trying to maintain the grief, in feeling form. We get hooked on feelings and it is harder to let go of a feeling than the actual person or idea that we carry around with us. Often times waiting for exhaustion to dictate a move to change, instead or when people get sick of you. One has to look very deeply at what we truly want and that is happiness, which will only comes with acceptance. It may take time off from work and life to let the loss settle completely in meditation, instead of stringing it along to explode in unexpected moments. Then it will allow you to honor those that passed, too. The sooner the better when you consider how short our life is and the fact that you will have to...anyway.

Your Friends Disappear

Death Valley Junction

Like a 48 hour TV mystery, you’ll find on the spiritual path that most of your “friends” disappear, and it’s not because you are trying to convert them. The real meaningful ones will stick around, but for the most part …the rest won’t be calling you. I think it is mainly caused, in my case, by no longer drinking and being married with my partner, and most conversations would include what I am up to at the moment, which is my spiritual path. Unprompted, A few good friends who stuck around have even mentioned that my change is positive. But the rest don’t want to hear about any exit to the mundane suffering that we all experience.  Two good excuses, “Only you could do this.” or “I should do this,” while they are looking down while playing a game on their IPhone... when I'm speaking to them. This means they will never even attempt to meditate, because it doesn't immediately satisfy. I have mentioned before that I saw the cloud lifting with awareness heightening within my first year of casually meditating.

Mona Caron Mural

Surely, you’ll make new friends who you meet because of your change, and gather new acquaintances familiar with your particular “brand” of path(often called Sangha, in my case). Depending on how far along you are… you will also notice that even these new ones don’t need you so much when their own wisdom blooms creates a relaxed attitude around not clinging. Meaning not clinging to anything including any friends. All this might seem disconcerting at first, but it is positive maturation that will immediately become obvious when you no longer are invited to parties and social events where people drink. It will help you stay on the path, instead of being tempted every weekend to make one giant leap backward….which can easily happen with only a good bottle of red wine and loose lips over a casual dinner.

Call to Support Bhikkhuni Nuns Home

A larger version can be seen at Alliance for Bhikkhunis

Sharing your Misery

Certainly, I like so many others… I suffer. Sure, I have real good excuse, a brain injury with a speech disability, combined with being gay. One of the problems, I had in the past was sharing my misery with others. Not completely wiped out, but with constant awareness I have managed to keep a handle on it. I think it has come a lot easier now that I finally married my partner of 13 years, and our long separation has ended. Frustration is a communicable disease. Also, if I get enough sleep, which us brain injured lucky winners need to have to keep the good parts working to their full advantage.

Sharing misery can slip out in even a casual greeting, first contact with others, and it doesn’t necessary have to be a vocalized action and come from not being present with others in a positive way. With my brain injury, if I am involved with anything else, from a simple door opening to signing in with a code, then any interruption is felt as interference to task at hand. Often people don’t know how severely this affects brain injured people, but my point in not to make another excuse. This is perhaps a way to doubly make sure to present a smiling face even when the brain is saying, “what’s this?” I figure if I re-condition the brain, whenever I am aware, by smiling, joking positively…or even stopping what I am doing to engage even when inconvenient or disruptive.

Many times in the past, I have shared my misery in a negative joking comment, never knowing I was leaving a black cloud around me thus creating more misery. I have often made fun of fake positive people to the point of stirring the “shit.” I, of course learned this, but that is not an excuse at my age. But, it may come to this extreme measure to change the brain. And it finally produced an example yesterday, when I spoke to a fellow yogi going to class who had never heard me speak. She was amazed I do what I do, because what she has seen or felt of me was always positive. I have also seen wisdom teachers who say that if we always see what is wrong with the world that we can’t change, we become more of the problem than the solution. We will also attract negative, more than positive people.

 

I am very fortunate to have a smiling partner who could see my intentions even when I was not always positive in nature. He inspires me to change, too by not allowing me to maintain any negativity.  Now a joke with us, as my moods, are fast to exit, because the mind-body knows that to maintain creates...yes, more misery. With my meditation too, I have seen what well-worn paths in the brain drive me to deviate from positive. “Don't go there, fool!,” I remind myself. In my case with aphasia, it may be doubly hard, but this never takes into consideration the many difficulties others face in their lives. Which leads me to compassion for others, while having compassion for one self. I want to experience a beautiful world, which in so many ways I have, and now want to share with others in a smiling, positive manner…even when it may seem fake, once in awhile to me.

A Near Death Re-Examination

It has many years since my near death experience, and it’s now going 12 years of a spiritual path of slow change and with this I have some insights. As I recalled in my first post on this blog, I now know it wasn’t really “me” who left my body: feeling no pain, sensing no worries, and no connection with my life in my body…it was my consciousness or awareness. That is why there was no pain and no memory of life connected to my body as it tried to merge into universal consciousness or love. This was the “light source” seen as a target to move towards, often feels like warm hands beckoning you closer to the light. So this gives me the idea that “we” will all meet again, in our awareness upon death, but without any of investment in our respective personalities. If I settle down a little more into awareness with daily practice, I can start letting go and the wisdom eases in my being, naturally. A little doing is involved in the form of bringing myself constantly back to awareness, when my personality/ego notices and makes a move to be seen. We know after a years in our personality we know where this leads us. Into past or future, two imaginary places far from presence.

Ungobackable: Drinking Alcohol

After coming back from a fun road trip with my partner showing him the southwest desert one thing stood out from the trip beyond the normal beauty and good times with family. That is the firm commitment of not drinking alcohol that I took up, 3 years ago. There were many times when he had a glass of wine, wine which I like so much, I could easily have said yes, and no one would say anything. I would smell his glass, to enjoy the bouquet, but would and could say, “No, thanks.” I could also see where any alcohol infers that one is not comfortable with life… as it is. And my own personal observation that “wrong speech” is easier to slip into when one is relaxed with alcohol, in my case. The added benefit of a clear mind in the morning, and less sinus! I feel I need to convey that alcohol has never really been a problem with me, except the usual early 20’s party phase of life. Alcoholism has been someone else’s problem, but has been the spice element that leaded to a difficult childhood in my case. Certainly, this has been a factor who has stayed my friend, but this would happen anyway as friends fall away naturally as you mature as with any wisdom path. I am firmly grounded in my intention, and it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice, thus saving me money and headaches while providing an easy entrance to meditation with more time freed up to do so. It also becomes obvious with practice and time that the precepts aren't just rules, but more of a way to direct one AWAY from more suffering. A wisdom intention becomes stronger, I have a clearer direction, finally. 

Help Buddhist Nuns — Plant Seeds of Metta

A Colorful Start to the Holidays by parking that moving van.

Happy Holidays! I can tell you from the moment I had met one of the Buddhist Nuns, it helped bring my practice down out of my brain to my heart. Female wisdom should be encouraged and now here is your chance to help then settle down and carry their original vision forward. Their Foundation is buying a rural piece of property, which will end up costing almost the same as what their were paying in rent each month. Even more help with the deposit or their monthly living costs will make this seem like it was meant to happen... Seamless dhamma. I know personally, when I saw their new rental property(same as what will end up buying), I felt it was a great match.  I even hear their neighbors warmly welcomed them, and want them to stay. Dhammaseed and their website have many of their dhamma talks by them. Be inspired and let a dana offering warm your holidays.

Help Support www.Saranaloka.org

The Burp on Presence, Ego

The ego wound it’s way back in after my injury that far outpaced my physical healing. It is probably a necessary ingredient for self-preservation and a sign that my “I/ego” was firmly engaged in survival mode. This helped carry me through difficult times when I really did not cognize what was going on in the first month with my severe brain injury. No one took the time to tell me what exactly happened until almost a month after. Without knowing how damaged one is you constantly do things with the soul motivation to get out of the hospital, while collapsing in exhaustion from doing just simple tasks. Physical therapy staff used make me exercise like walking the halls with I.V.’s & tubes still attached, and then make me do a written test often much to my dismay without first a nap. I could not eat, so I could not talk, either. Part of the sarcastic me thinks it was to bill hours, rather then see what progress was made. So, that alone would incite displeasure enhancing the speedy return of ego, with the thoughts of, I don’t want to do this!

Looking back, I wish I could have stuck with an earlier impression I felt that had of myself just existing in presence that seemed to come about with an unclear outcome of who or what I was. With such a severe injury, what is the rush to get me back to work, even though I was young? Surely, some of you will say it was in my best interest, to reignite damaged neurons and thus speed up healing, but who needs total return of ego? The ego will also inform you of how you don’t fit in the world once you are disabled. Not to make an excuse, as I also get feedback that I inspire people. This is pointed out time and time again in daily interactions, but that, too just reinforces the role ego plays in existence. Ahhh, now, who really needs to write this?

Patience Finds You

City of Peace, June posts 2552(2009)

As a still recovering impatient person, I started to recall the other day, a particular momentous occasion in my life. That was a result of patience over a long, long time. The development of my partnership with a foreigner over time, dealing with separation gain and again with a long term goal of marriage carried over 13 years. The marriage happened this year, and I am now enjoying the fruits of year of patience. It did not start with patience but instead ended with it. I see it now in a clear light that a patience lesson is learned sometime in your life whether you like or not. One will begin to look funny being impatient with things that really matter, especially as you age. Patiently unfolding, you can ride along with it(it's the process, dear), inspiring you to re-examine other neglected aspects of your life. Wisdom will become a natural organic plus, once one stops running away to alcohol, food, entertainment( the usual — doing things to be doing them to escape your mind or thoughts). 

Teacher's appreciation, June posts 2552(2009)

In my particular case, I complained about life's unfairness, blamed others and spread misery in the forms of negative comments and attitude. Certainly, there were glimpses of wisdom enough to start on a path of change, in the middle of this chaos. Having a positive core of being to not push everyone of the way in the process, which was my first hint of wisdom. I never wanted to be pathetic with my brain injury, started out with selfish intentions to heal, slowly picking up the pieces, beginning to give back as I healed. Realizing that the real healing was not really medically, but more spiritually. And that's where patience comes in as an important part of wisdom while finding your own spiritual path. Learning to drop what doesn't work and laughing at your mistakes along the way. Never forgetting what does work, and constantly coming back to it, instead of skipping on to something new, thus defeating the patience you have cultivated in the first place. 

Pick an Emotion!

There are many times that I found myself with anger arisen over a particular unwanted thing happening. I guess the body has some energy that needs to be released and it is often very unskillful. With a little bit of wisdom, I can see the anger, but I notice my ego will quickly find a new angle to access a different emotion all based on the original incident. Feeling like an unlocked backdoor, it is at first... enticing. At least now after seeing this happen again and again, my awareness is slowly stopping these forays into sideline emotions. I am now trying to ease the original displeasure with noting what is happening and with the awareness of breath and where it might take me... which is always away from peace. This might help— with a monkey mind you can flip between now and future outcome (i.e. often more trouble than the original complaint). I can usually access humor when I repeat to myself, Pick an emotion, and just run with it. Seeing it spinning out of control, trying to hold tight to your original emotion and how fast it can move quickly in the opposite direction of peace. At times, I have to beeline to the cushion, to just sit and observe... if at home. I certainly do not carry a cushion with the words embroidered on it, In Case of Anger, but at least this will give you all some idea of my intention.

I know intellectually why anger can be easily accessed for me, but outlining why would only put this further from your own experiences. It can be used with sadness and depression, if this is what you have frequent flier miles in. Those two often appear when one has anger towards yourself. Whatever emotion, just watch what you are doing, even if you can’t stop it immediately… the awareness of how much further you cast peace out of your range will be enlightening.    

Is it Possible in this Lifetime?

To awaken?

One of the questions I've asked myself and have determined given my brain injury and the difficulty life presents to me. That it is probably not possible. I'm not defeated, meanwhile, I try to maintain a good intention. Thinking after coming from a week of service at Vipassana, recently. Which was a great way to integrate daily living and interacting with others, while doing meditation 3 times a day. I was able to observe myself constantly and reflect on misdoings.

I found this poem to be appropriate:

Upward
by Tony Hoagland courtesy of Sun Magazine

With the help of Zen,

my old friend Jack

dissolved his disagreements

with the world,

purified his quarrels,

shushed his ego,

stopped biting back

when bitten,

and gradually had

no opinions

other than wise ones.

And so our friendship

lost its bones and meatiness,

because it is clear to

me that I

am not going to humanly

improve

but will be

forever benighted

by shadow and abrasion.

I will keep eating my experience

with a certain

indigestion and

shitting out opinions

to the end.

Goodbye, my friend, goodbye, I say

quietly to myself

like a character

in some science-fiction novel

as I watch the

smooth spaceships of Zen

slip the heavy harness

of the earth

and rise into the weightlessness

of space,

leaving a few

hundred million of us

behind,

weeping and holding on

to our stormy weather

and our extended

allegiance to stones.

Today's ...The Day

Things happen in our life quite unexpectedly, and often we can recall some aspect of each particular tragedy in slow motion when the dust settles. Getting hung up on one or the other should haves that would have prevented nature. Whether we enjoy them or not, "bad things" will happen, and part of my practice is to be aware of them, during and after they do ...providing you don't die. Today was the day, to fall down unexpectedly. To be alarmed, and then be surprised that I could get up. Watching the unfolding of moods surrounding it all. A really unremarkable trip and fall where my left knee landed squarely on the soft home made treats I carried to the gym to give to friends, nicely cushioning it and hence saving it. It did not help my bruised ego,  but it did help propel thought to reflect on a day, when we get bad news about us or family and friends that we usually are so unprepared for. Not to worry in advance but try to not to be shocked when anything minor to major happens. An awareness based on simple awareness of every moment unfolding without any blame, worry, cause. This will lessen our desire to want to change or control anything. There will be a day, like this day and so many others when death comes knocking at your door quite unexpectedly. And like the man I found surprised and befuddled when he had a stroke while coming home on the bus.

We spend too much time with worries of things, that may never happen, letting them spin out of control in our heads. Ignoring the simple beauty of well-being present always.  Spend your first day with gratitude of others. What people provide you with this very moment, even at it's most minor forms like a smile. Moving on to friends and family because with this appreciation for strangers it makes them seem even more pivotal. Perhaps, you might not have enough money, or enough good health at this moment, but certainly you do have people that are important in your life. Tell them, and stop taking it all... for granted. Today's...the day!

Surrenderfully, Two Stories

When I heard the two words surrenderfully in yoga it made perfect sense and thought I have to use it as the one word it seemed to be. Later, it struck me when prompted by a friend to tell his friend my story why I am like I am, that her first reaction was pity. Then she evoked “God” to bless me which felt like her perception of where she sees herself and me. Then, I detected a felt sense that where the division blossomed was also where the mind closed. If I really sat down and talked to her, I feel that now with her sense of separation, she will never be able to gleam any of the wisdom that branched out of my near death and the sort of resurrection, I experienced. Do we have to follow our own path, tripping along the way, picking yourself up or not? Even though there is no new kind of suffering. It has all happened to someone or is happening right to someone on this great big planet. Perhaps, we don’t learn unless it is tailored individually to our own perception. That is a bit scary, because it signals our doom because we can’t see ourselves as the other and might seal our fate to see the human race(see war cries again in the press). Still it is my own perception, so I drop it and surrenderfully.

A new friend was going on about a new traumatic event that happened when her young neighbor, a single mom overdosed and died leaving her two young kids in limbo and loss. Sure, it was worthy of being upset, but if it weren’t this it would be something else with this friend. It was a pattern of thinking that develops when one feels no control over their own life, seeking outside events to obsess on to avoid your own suffering. I know it first hand too well. So, I used the respect she carried for my partner and I, to get her to sit down for the first time and meditate to a 20-minute guided meditation that I had on my phone. Timing is everything and her mind was so busy that even she wanted a break. We sat down in the gym(of all places) and listened to recording. I used metta(loving kindness) that she would maintain with her eyes closed and remain focused on the words. Which is no small feat for first time meditator, who is also a devout Christian.  I did not open my eyes to check until it was done, so not to throw any guilt feelings her way. When he recording ended, I quietly opened my eyes, noticed her relaxed look, still with eyes closed and waited patiently for her to come back to the room. She had to surrenderfully with the trust she had in me and how she had perceived me in the past. When she did the first thing she said, “This is all a dream!” She was so surprised at how easy it was to change her whole mood and intensity in 20 short minutes.

Mindfulness Strategies when Interacting with Others

Avoiding Uncomfortable Feelings through Activities

Contemplate Your Suffering

On the day, we married …upon coming home, we got some beautiful orchid leis from one of my close friends that arrived too late to take with us to wear in the wedding. So, I said we need to give them to my neighbor’s young girls, and we trotted over to give the leis to them. We ended up talking for a while, and also to the neighbor next door to them. Who I later find out at that time that they had just found out that their foreign partner of their roommate, who I know, died quite accidently in the hospital. They did not want to spoil our day by telling us. This other neighbor had a nice life planned out with their partner, and all was going quite well, with a business and plans worked on for over 10 years. A life that was unplanned for the tragedy that unfolded.

Lately, my sister during her honeymoon had her husband pass away, and although a very involved story in a developing country….it was never planned. I never thought that I would see that to realize that my suffering was suddenly inconsequential.

I have my partner who is well aware of and speaks often about how much I have changed his life in appreciation at unprompted times. So these latest two stories help to show me that my suffering is old hat. That even though my other siblings reflecting on what transpired in my life and my sister saying that they could have never have survived through similar things if they happened to them. But they forget that far worse has happened to others, and that we have all have this innate will to survive that takes over when things get extremely difficult. Few fall into really giving up, because we know what this means to us both mentally and physically. I really would like to skip the pity train, because it sounds like giving up. Often when I speak I have to get into details so people don’t think I am drunk or a new incident happening right before their eyes. I think that I quantify my existence by my suffering. I seemingly have more which can easily leave me unable to move on or to have compassion(in the way I should have normally) for others. I am aware that others suffer, and see that we often don’t even know unless they broadcast on the news. Suffering is not always news worthy, and can be so regular but points to things we can't control. And some of us can’t bear when it involves many people or a whole family. We shut off. But we enjoy a tragedy story with some silver lining, and I guess it’s the hope that the same thing happens when it befalls us. And that is where they take the idea and run with it for news and/or entertainment. This brings me back to why I am on this path, to look closely at suffering in it's minor forms, so that when it barrels in a grand expression ...I won't necessarily be ready, but will be familiar with what my brain does with it, and how my body reacts to it. Hopefully making suffering a inroad to wisdom, because you can't avoid it.