Say What?

If it is one thing ...it is another. I went to the Dr. for an MRI reading and hopefully a decision about surgery or not. After nearly one hour in the waiting room finishing my book, “MIndfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook, ” I was escorted to a room, where I sat in meditation posture waiting for the Dr. to arrive. More than 30 minutes later he rushes in and with his laptop say he can’t get my MRI up, seems like the website is down. Now if I knew this would be a problem I would have brought my copy. He does a quick overview, and decides to give me a shot of cortisone. A total of 4 minutes, after 1 1/2 hour wait. I said, if this all I needed why didn't the first Dr. do this? ....it looks like there was no reason to see you, and with a not happy face. I left, pissed off, drove home to get my copy of my MRI and drove back. I gave it to the nurse. I then went down to the first Dr I saw and asked why did I have to get an MRI at my cost, when the other did not care enough to have it in his hands when I walked in. His colleague had it downstairs, so it should not be a problem. I left, asking the first Dr. to call me and state why he had me get an MRI, if the other Dr, did not care(nor was consulted). I stated I could not afford this cost in advance. I left nearly two hours after my scheduled appointment and walked to my car.

On the way there I was lucky enough, to spin me out of my current mental state, to have a cute red toned cat come up to me like an old friend. He was so unlike most cats….he welcoming me to pet and caress him. I said this must be my partner. I later texted him to ask if that was he! I spent a good 10 minutes with this cat, that came to me. Then drove to get a bite, before a job. While waiting for a bagel, a 4 yr old boy walked up to me, out of all the people around, to ask if I saw his mother? I looked around for his description of his mother, as he was worried but too anxious, since he was busy pre-occupied with his toy. So, I said do you now where your car is? He pointed one way, but said she is probably in the bathroom. I said why don’t we wait and sit outside until she comes? I turned to get my bagel as it was ready and there she was, out of the blue even though I looked for her up and down…I leaned towards her and put my hand on her shoulder and said he’s fine….don’t worry. And she said, “Thanks."

On to my client’s house, arriving on time to find a with a note posted he was a little late. I walked to have coffee, and found a wallet on the stairs and upon talking it the customer service window, suggesting that they page the guy as he might be around. I finished my job with my client and went home and suddenly thought I thought I might never see the MRI disc again and drove to the Dr.’s office to get it. Now, three days later, I have not heard what is the final decision about the reading or an explanation of what to expect next. I have calls in to both Dr.’s.

All this points me towards the fundamental nature of all life, Buddha speaks of this as Dukkha. As long as I fight this, lying in bed trying to go sleep, with the heat of worn out muscles, and loose bones that is to be expected. I am no different than the ultimate reality of all life. It is time for more meditation, reflections to align myself with being awake, and put my self concern to bed. Learning from every experience good and bad. That's how I will really relax.

The Shifting Thoughts

photo: Bartek Kuzia

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....I knew I came here for something,

but I forgot.

Time shifting. A new concept.

The fake Bus Stop, a tool to help elderly people, often with dementia and alzheimer's, live in the present. They go and sit down with the intention of going somewhere until the thought passes. It beats locking them up, trying to force them to live in the now. Again, one more reason to start meditating while you can remember. Just watch your thoughts, they come and they go...and it up to you to believe them or not.

Set Yourself Up for Success

I hear the chainsaws buzzing...Looking out at the tree that sometimes blocks my city view and watching neighbors who are dealing with a different tree. We often think that as soon as we get this tree trimmed, a meal cooked or this health care bill passed...then we will then be happy. Sure these things need to be done, but we are setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction in the future laying so many definitions of what our happiness can be right now. If we can be happy while these things are not done or are in the process of being done we will double our ability to find happiness. Now, I know happiness may be a strong word so substitute contentment when it feels right.

Currently, I am sitting here while I write this with a torn bi-cep muscle, and lack of a really good sleep for a long time. A bit frustrated by all the Dr.’s I have seen in the past four years that never diagnosed this correctly. I even went to a hospital, and did tons of PT, and they never caught it. I have thought about writing one chiropractic Dr who treated me for 2 years charging me all that time. On his wall he a muscle chart. If he had a great knowledge of muscle physiology then at one point he would have figured out that his treatments were not working. The important thing is I did, popping another Ibuprofen. But that now..is in the past, and right now while I wait to see another shoulder orthopedic Dr. to find out how to proceed in surgery. Why they never sent me to him the first time around behooves me, but again, do I want to pin blame on being discontent at this moment on a past moment?…thinking that I will be happier. What done is done, money was spent.


Now, can I be happy at this moment? Certainly, if I put my wishes on the back burner, let go of the idea there is something or somebody keeping my happiness away. How to do this? Stop fixating on one single source of happiness, a ridiculous “one-brain-cell” view of life. I will go out and help others, send care packages to Thailand, maybe fix dinner for a friend and move on with a sense of ease about life. Yes, I can do that with pain. Why, you might ask? Because I know people are doing this all over this world right as we speak.

I often tell friends who first start out in yoga, “Set yourself up for success, get all the props you need to feel comfortable and when unable to do something…just rest in child’s pose and watch.” The most important thing you can learn is to be humble and turn off the comparing mind. Why pin your happiness to one thing, jumping to the next thing, once that is done? We are setting ourselves up for failure to be content at any given moment. It will start a chain reaction, if happy at this moment, and again happy at this next moment....we will be happy in the ever present moment. Creating our success.

A footnote, my partner who for years I had to hound him in getting his teeth cleaned, even taking him to the dentist and got him started on Dental care many years ago. He was the first in his family to have dental care, so it was out of his experience. This morning while talking he said he had them cleaned without me reminding him, to make me proud.

Unexpected Emotion

A friend rushed to a rendezvous at my house, before another friend's party we were both going to. I was going to drive, but he wanted to quickly donate money on my computer for the charity picked out by the host in lieu of gifts. He sat down in my chair, and started to cry unexpectedly. It was not like him, usually very busy and shuns spirituality, yet passionate and caring in his own way. Never shocked, I leaned down to hug him, and said, “What is this about?.. it’s ok to cry.” But he was already starting to shelve the emotion. I am lucky in this respect, my brain injury doesn’t allow me to keep it in anymore. The term for this is called emotional lability, a common after effect of my injury, my Neurologist friend says. I often debate, is it from the near death experience or the brain injury?

Anyway, my friend shrugged it off, as a by-product of seeing two long-term friends move away from the USA that he has known for over 20 years. And it went no further. I also observed later the transference of his emotion to annoyance with people and life in general on the drive over to the party. Something I know I do as well, as I am no saint. Yet, I felt sorry that he did not feel comfortable enough to cry in front of me. At the party it stuck with me, and upon returning I sat down to meditate. The first hour was very colorful, and settling…my body dissolved away.

The second hour, I picked up a small, carved stone heart my Mom gave me years ago on the table nearby…why I did? I have no idea, having never done that in the past. The weight of it felt good in my hands, and I continued to meditate letting whatever came up, to do so. Interestingly again, my body disappeared. I settled on wishing love, and my friend came up, along with my mother and the awareness I will have to say goodbye to her one day. I found that I accessed the same grief he had, and tears were flowing down my cheeks for long time. The stone heart felt very heavy, and I broke down silently so as not disturb my roommate. I leaned over sobbing, when finished, I relaxed again thinking about all the people I love and the role they play in my life. I wished my schizophrenic sister well, as she has divorced herself from me based on her own paranoia. I still always bring up the good times between us, trying not to grasp on what was…more awareness of the real love she does have, when she is well.


But I came back to settle on my roommate, who I feel is going through a hard time. This person doesn’t speak to me very often and is very fixed in views…but at the same time has been witness to my life, toil and turmoil. He has watched my transformation with more meditation, yet is never asking about it. The stone heart was warm in my hands, and I thought about the gesture of giving him this heart still warm from my hands, when he would go past me on the way out the door that evening. While still in meditation, sent good thoughts for him to walk up past me. I was thinking of just gesturing and not speaking and holding the heart out in my hand. Knowing him well enough that he would not see the point of me giving it to him or perhaps be embarrassed. I thought sometimes the simplest gesture makes the greatest impact. I was ready in my heart to give it to him... my heart was beating heavy and fast. I heard him walking upstairs to leave but my eyes were still closed… I guess he saw me sitting and closed the door and walked back down to leave out of a different door. I thought maybe this is not the time, and then you might ask why I never called him to make sure I did it? People need help when they are ready for it, and there is really nothing we can do to speed things up. The best I can do is be warm, happy and honest while carrying the right intention…remembering the wise monks I have met in my life that have inspired me by only their presence.

Using Mindfulness with Decisions

I finished reading How We Decide, by Jonah Lehrer, in which he illustrates his points by telling a few good stories packed with facts. It's fun interesting reading and reminds me of the old magazine Popular Science. The following excerpt from the book's conclusion begins to sound very similar to what Buddha taught about being self-aware and discovering the mindfulness that can come out of meditation.


“The emotional brain is especially useful at helping us make hard decisions. Its massive computational power—its ability to process millions of bits of data in parallel—ensures that you can analyze all the relevant information when assessing alternatives. Mysteries are broken down into manageable chunks, which are then translated into practical feelings. The reason these emotions are so intelligent is that they’ve managed to turn mistakes into educational events. …THINK ABOUT THINKING…The best way to make sure that you are using your brain properly is to study your brain at work, to listen to the argument in your head.”

So, if thoughts are where we have to look to...to make good decisions, then he is talking about mindfulness of thoughts. What better a way to examine your thoughts than meditation? And you don’t have to be Buddhist. Anyone can do this with practice… it’s just like riding a bike. You can make better decisions when you start to spend some time with your brain.



Sometimes people think the point of meditation is to stop thinking – to have a silent mind. This does happen occasionally, but it is not necessarily the point of meditation. Thoughts are an important part of life, and mindfulness practice is not supposed to be a struggle against them. We can benefit more by being friends with our thoughts than by regarding them as unfortunate distractions. In mindfulness, we are not stopping thoughts as much as overcoming any preoccupation we have with them.
However, mindfulness is not thinking about things, either. It is a non-discursive observation of our life in all its aspects. In those moments when thinking predominates, mindfulness is the clear and silent awareness that we are thinking. A piece of advice I found helpful and relaxing was when someone said, “For the purpose of meditation, nothing is particularly worth thinking about.” Thoughts can come and go as they wish, and the meditator does not need to become involved with them. We are not interested in engaging in the content of our thoughts. Mindfulness of thinking is simply recognizing that we are thinking.
—Gil Fronsdal, Mindfulness of Thoughts

Born Sweet

Every once in awhile there is a clear sign that your life, no matter how difficult it is, pales in comparison to others. This film Born Sweet is about Vinh and the people in Cambodia exposed to arsenic in the drinking water. Wells dug by well meaning NGO's in the past, hit naturally occurring ancient arsenic laid down millennia ago. They have since put in new wells, and developed a campaign to educate people. Thanks to Cynthia Wade, her film brings awareness to this problem with Vinh's help by highlighting RDI's role. RDI Cambodia is instrumental in weaving water technology and education and could use some help.

The Art of the Steal

And you thought Karl Rove was trying to rewrite history with his book? This will show you the corruption that happens frequently when business controls the world...the court...and the law. A detailed film about the undoing of a very specific will by a liberal, free thinking art collector, Albert C. Barnes. When we in America do corruption, we do it BIG.

Right Now or Not

I know I often live for the future even if it is only an hour ahead of now. In may be brought about from being apart from my partner while he is doing his Masters. Perhaps, I think we are avoiding the pain of seeing what is right now at this very moment. I call it, the uneasiness of being me. When meditating I find it much easier to relax into acceptance. I am not going anywhere, becomes very real as soon as I fold my legs. But I am aware there are so many things I should be doing and am not that brings the unease right up front and center. I have heard in the past that whenever you hear the word should brought up…mindfulness is not present. But luckily for me with this should does not come with too much judgment, unless I find myself fixating on things and people I don’t like. I am slowly learning about myself. Today, I took the bull by the horns by doing good things for 3 others in my life… spontaneous, kind and not done to get attention, more to lessen the focus on me and my current mental state. It sure beats finding things wrong with others. Remembering that we plant the seeds of our rebirth in the minds of others. Right now and very present.

The Odds of Being Disabled

After my hospitalization and discharge, I came home happily to discover self-pity, fear and anger stored inside a body that could not speak or eat. On many occasions “Why Me?” would pop out of my self-conscious and very gradually, it morphed into “Why Not Me?” That was partially born out of the sudden visibility(to me) of other people worse off than I, but also just out of the shear odds of becoming disabled. All I did was pick the wrong Dr. at the right time. I guess you won't be asking me for stock picks. Now, I am going to put forth a grand statement that will make a lot of you get itchy. At one point or another you all will become disabled in the future. It is not a matter of odds…it is just a matter of time…for all you.

Sure, you’re running a great marathon this weekend, and you think you'll be running up until you die. And you probably will… if odds are your favor. In one form or another, you will suffer some kind of disability, maybe small like losing your teeth, hair falling out or just tender knees. But, it could be be worse, a lot worse. And it will happen to you. It is just a matter of time. Damn, if someone told me this at 18, or even 30…I would have laughed at them. Now, I am not the devil or hell bent on making others miserable... and this sure ain't your Tarot reading.

I won’t bore you all on statistical averages on when or what kind. If you are that curious, perhaps you should dig them up. You can bet your bottom dollar that all the insurance companies know it and bet against you. It is just the facts. But, more importantly is when are you‘ll gonna wake up? We are them and they were us... at one time. If I had known this earlier, I would have saved for this rainy day, now.

Well, for some good news(relief, finally, you say).... I will tell anyone, when asked, that this injury was a blessing. It has brought me a key to the door of wisdom, and to be happy for what you have now, while you have it. Now, I'll just have to get around to opening this door.

The Experiencing Self & Remembering Self

"We actually don't chose between experiences, but we chose between memories of experiences. ...We think of our future in terms of anticipated memories!"

"There is genuine question:

Why do we put so much weight on memory,

relative to the weight we put on experiences?"
—Daniel Kahneman

Perhaps this why meditation works so well, we are putting our memories on the back burner, and creating new experiences as they dissipate.... with which to draw on in the future...Was Once

Prisoner of Circumstance

I am helping a friend move, and just unloaded a bunch of stuff outside his car and was waiting for him to come out. A red faced Russian man, smoking a pink wrapped long slim cigar, comes over to me blowing out smoke to the side, “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

Without time for me to answer he launches into a tirade about being locked up overnight by some kind of altercation with his woman. I really did not have any choice, but to listen, standing by all my friend’s things on the ground. So, I just tried my best to just hear him out. .. .a prisoner of circumstance. He offered me a "cigar-rette", which I kindly declined, but noting he was somewhat civilized. His accent was to hard to get it all, at his rate of rant or maybe it was the after-effects of drinking and no sleep… and I am good with accents. I began to day-dream about how he is a good character study, fighting his remorse by trying to engage me to commiserate. Of course, I agreed and nodded my head at appropriate times feigning interest. Wanna hire me?

I think it came down, when she did something dumb(it is always someone else’s fault), and he being drunk, rasied his voice and hand …not to strike her(he says) just to set her straight. And the cops were called. With statements about his 5 million dollar company, and how he would never hit for fear it would jeopardize his business. Is he bragging or is that ego talking? But he was still pissed by the cops that took her side and threw him into the drunk tank. And how he could get Shapiro (you know, the lawyer, he says) to close down this station.*&#_(@)#! Which just so happened to be 10 doors down from my friend’s new place.

He was on a roll after being cooped up, and finally my friend walked up to rescue me and the Russian from Odessa offered to help. I guess out of feeling guilty from unloading on me. I was the first person he encountered after his release…lucky me!

Under Buddha’s Eightfold Path right intention falls under wisdom. Wisdom that comes from a commitment to have good will and avoid anger and aversion. I have found in my practice, it is a little bit hard to maintain right intention in the heat of the moment, and I came up with this while in meditation. Before you say something truthfully or you feel your temperature going up before you jump into an issue that may seem warranted…look carefully at how you see the future of this incident. That seems to be easier to do, because it takes you out of immediate. Are you causing it to drag on longer and get further away from your goal? Being right in every instance might cause you to back track, apologize, or just throw good will out the window.

What Harm Do I Cause If I Marry My Partner?

In the Perry v. Schwarzenegger,

a U.S. District Court case challenging

the constitutional validity of California's Proposition 8.

"But what really happened, which was a very eye-opening event, during the course of the trial, during one of the earlier proceedings. The judge in our case asked my opponent, "What harm to the institution of heterosexual marriage would occur if gays and lesbians were allowed to marry?"

This went back and forth and back and forth. The judge kept wanting an answer. "What damage would be done to the institution of marriage if we allowed this to happen?" And my opponent said, finally, he had to answer it truthfully. He paused and he said, "I don't know. I don't know." That to me sums up the other side.

They say the traditional definition of marriage, but nothing by allowing the two couples that were before the court or others like them to engage in a relationship with their partner where they can be treated as an equal member of society hurts your marriage or my marriage or David's marriage or any other heterosexual marriage. People are not going to say, "I don't want to get married anymore if those same sex people can get married. That's not going to happen." There is no evidence to support a basis for this prohibition." — lawyer, Ted Olson, PBS Bill Moyers

Who Needs Who?

When my brother and his family finally met my partner earlier this month ...he told him that he is very important to me. It was a great welcoming moment for my partner. Not that it is never spoken between us, rather it is almost daily. To have this said from another person is icing on the cake. In reflection, the two of us work so well, because even though our needs, in general, are totally different, we still carry the same value to each other. It is not heavy on one side or the other. We respect and learn from each other. He joked yesterday, after I helped him on some problems in a case study, saying that they will have both our names on his Masters. All this did not happen without a bit of work on both of our ends in the first few years. I like how real love motivates understanding and respect leading to a real balance, thus not clinging to make believe image of the other, that can predict an end to any relationship. Either way, I need him more, damnit.

I Knew Something Was Up...A Reminder

On a nice sunny day, I take off for the gym. As I walk down, I see Riz, sitting in the sun in a chair in front of his house. I never see him do this, as he is usually running around in his truck or Porsche, always looking busy. He is neighbor I know and have talked to a few times, so I stop to say hi, and ask how he is doing. I am in a rush, but I know something is up.

“It hit me like a brick!” I ask, “What happened?” Riz said, “I had a triple by-pass, and now… I just don’t know. I am used to getting around and being the provider.” His eyes are starting to well up. "I wasn’t ready for this," going on to detail how much it has changed his life, ending with, “Oh, well …I guess I could be dead!” he says, sprinkled with self-pity.

I try to tell him that who you are is independent of what you used to do. "You are you, regardless, and what you need now is take time to heal. You should go on vacation or to the beach," knowing he has the means.

But I could tell that he was not hearing this, and so I brought up Sam, another neighbor who I just happened to greet, since I saw him sitting sunning by my house. Sam is 83( he will say, "damn near 100"), and had at least one-stroke years ago, leaving with a cane to keep steady. I often will see his worried wife come out, calling for him, if he falls asleep in the sun.

I figured they knew each other. He told me, “Yes, Sam designed this house.” I knew that someone closer to his age would be able to at least commiserate. So, I said I will go get him, running up the street.

Sam is not too far now with his cane and newspaper strolling up the street in the opposite direction. I catch up with Sam, out of air. “Hey, Sam", panting, "Riz just had triple by-pass and needs some help! Sam said, “What?” A common reply to anything I say with this damn speech problem, whatever age the listener is. I slow down and repeat it, explaining the situation and saying he needs some cheering up. “Oh, ok, then” says Sam. We then walk down together talking, delivering him to Riz.

Buddhist Daily Reflections

I am of the nature to age. I am subject to aging. I have not got beyond aging.

I am of the nature to sicken. I am subject to illness. I have not got beyond illness.

I am of the nature to die. I am subject to death. I have not got beyond death.

Separation from what is pleasing and beloved will definitely happen to me.

I am the owner of my kamma, the heir of my kamma; born of my kamma, related to my kamma, and I abide... supported by my kamma. Whatever kamma I do, for good or for evil, to that I will fall heir.

These things should be frequently recollected.

Going Un-Buddhist...NOT

I try to make friends at my gym or at least be pleasant and outgoing. I try not to wear an IPOD all the time, which divorces you from human contact. Why listen to the whiney song, “All you need is love,” looking forlorn? Today, I saw I young man with a tattoo that said, IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT I SEE WHEN I SEE YOU, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY DISGUST. What an exquisite use of ink, a real work of art and have fun removing it when you wake up. You get the bad with the good....the whole range.

A few years ago, I tried to make friends with this lady who I see a couple times in yoga. I talked to her once, and thought we got past the Stranger, I don’t need to know you phase.

Well, she had broken her leg while dancing, and was right back at the gym. You got to give her credit. I chatted a few times, jumping starting the conversation about her healing and ya-ya’s. And every time I would see her, she would never say hi, in general, unless really pressed.

Things heal, and time passes and she back at it, and broke it again…same leg. So, she knows I meditate in the room before yoga and she asks me to help her get a spot and an exercise ball to use, by calling me on my cell phone. I oblige a few times, but still think it is a little much for someone who is so sour. I humor her, but then I am gone for three months, and she is on her own. I come back and she has no cast, and still no change in her character. Surprise, Surprise!

Wouldn’t you know it she breaks it again, same leg. I am meditating one day, and her crutches come lumbering up, and she taps my mat with her crutches to open my eyes and she wants me to help again. I do it without any attitude, set her up with stuff and before I can get back to meditating she asks me if I can save her spot and help her again by calling me each day. All contact with her is void of any smiles or pleasantry. Then I decided to do something so Un-Buddhist. I replied, I am not sure when I am back again, saying I’m sorry and walked back to my mat. I put my foot down thinking that for someone who has no appreciation for what I have done in the past ….or any common courtesy for my attempts to be friendly. So, I will just get out of the way. Not really feeling good about it, and knowing that in all the Buddhist Teachings I have heard you are NOT supposed to expect anything when you do something good because it leads to grasping. I did not explain to her why this transpired and thought about it, but dropped it. I think I will just leave it to some other nice person to do the job, I can no longer stomach.

Falling for Wisdom

Communicating with a young friend of mine about my desire to be a novice again, even for short time. He shot off a reply email saying it would be extremely difficult for him, but not for me because, as he put it, “you are asexual!” I laughed… I wish. Sure, I am older(almost twice his age), but by no means ready to throw in the towel. I told him, that while I am currently away from my partner while he is in a masters program, I have made the decision to honor him and us by choosing not to be active. It was not a demand by him, but more a wisdom move motivated by not wanting to disturb our commitment. Open relationships may seem fine to some, but it opens the door to the potential of falsely thinking that someone else may be better. We all know how fast things happen and often without our awareness. Do we really want peace in our lives? We often forget we sometimes create the chaos... that we so desperately want to get rid of. Now, would I have said this when I was his age, probably not….and that is where age allows some wisdom to creep in naturally as pay off for this old body, that fewer people desire.

"The socially conditioned hormonal hunger for copulation twists raw experience to make sex appear as pleasure. Is sexual pleasure the way things truly are, or just the way desire makes them seem? Venerable Ananda said to Venerable Vangisa that lust is but a inversion of perception(SN8.4)!" — Ajahn Brahm, Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond

Novice Scholarship Fund

Auttachai(left) and Chatreea(far right)

Dear Friends,

It’s getting to the end of the school year and the time is fast approaching when the grade 6s from the temple school will have completed their final year and will be planning whether or not they will continue their studies at university. For these boys and their families the decision to go on to university is significantly based on financial considerations.

As many of you know, even going to a monk University can be financially prohibitive as even monks need some money and often the families prefer for the lads to go straight into paid employment to support the family.

With young men like Joy, Auttachai (Aa), Chatreea, Monkoon and many others there is certainly some great potential in the group and we hope that together with your help we can offer them some financial assistance in going to university and giving them every chance of gaining a degree and going further with their education.

Many of the boys have been so welcoming and supportive of guests on the monk for a month program and it is our ardent wish that we can now support them in their desire to improve their own lives. We can also feel confident that once these novices get an education much of that benefit will flow back into their families and wider communities.

And so we invite you to make a contribution to the Novice Scholarship Fund. Already we have one donation of 5000 Baht from Linda Zakas, USD$ 200 from Gennadiy Grishayev and Jildou and I have put in 10 000 Baht. To be able to assist the most number of boys going through university we need as much support as we can muster and the fund is relying largely on the generosity of former guests, though naturally we welcome funds from any quarter. The money will be managed by a small board of trustees including Dr. Aphisit, a representative of the school and myself. The scholarships will be granted for a period of 12 months with the likelihood of renewal barring any strong reasons not too.

If you would like to support this initiative please go to http://bloodfoundation.org and click on the PayPal donate button on the left-hand side.

Then send us a brief mail to info@bloodfoundation.org to alert us that you wish your donation to be used for to Novice Scholarship Fund.

Joy doing homework

This is a great opportunity to give back to these young men and make a real difference in their lives. We thank you for all your support over the last year, so many of you have already contributed so much to the work we do in this region. Just by being on the program you have made a serious contribution and many of you have done so much more - you have our deep gratitude.

Metta!

Ben, Jildou, Graham,

Fred, Charin and all the team.

Are you talking to me?

In the line to board the plane, and I hear the man behind me ask the woman just behind him who is talking loudly on her cell phone to leave or turn it off. He asked politely, she replied in fairly politely manner, although I was prepared for major head butt. Thinking, sparks are gonna fly. I was familiar with her, while I was meditating waiting for my plane… she plopped down on a seat close to my position on the floor and turned it into her living room. Wired for sound and telling her friends about her hotel cost and business trip. I used her as part of my practice, to not show displeasure or even engagement, yet I was aware. Labeling it as hearing, hearing, hearing instead of interest it whatever she said.

He said it is rude to act like I want to hear your private conversation. She said, “My intention was not bother you, and I am sorry. But you don’t have to be rude and assume this.” He looked at me, and I smiled and we spoke quietly about this public phenomenon. He waited to sit next to her and show his paper about this, which in fact, was carrying to a publisher on this plane. His tone was gentle and his intention carried no malice.

It is very apparent that as long as we act like no one else matters, then it is rude. Do we want respect? First, we are going to have respect for others.



Subjecting strangers to your one-sided conversations while you pace nearby or stand talking while pointing your mouth towards others, tells them that they are not important to you. When I had a store, I would walk up to people while they were on their phone and point towards the door. These were people who walk in talking on their cell phones to use my store as their phone booth. I figured that they were not focused on buying in my store anyway, regardless of their protests. So it is no surprise that people talking on their cell phone while driving are 4 times more dangerous than drunk drivers. Perhaps, it is one more tool to tackle our population problem. Who needs earthquakes? Just give idiots cell phones, and cars with a brake problem. Better yet, just put yourself in others shoes, have a little compassion and understanding. In ancient times back when there were no mobiles, and everyone sat quietly and read.

Only the Wonderful Remains

We often forget that in just a few years, especially when compared to Earth’s age, we will soon be dead and all our worries will die with us. Hopefully, you have not dumped them on to another friend or family member like cooties, forgetting that they have their own worries. I leaned over to speak with a woman on the plane, separated by an unfilled seat and we talked about flying. Started the conversation with a curiosity, noting a radio she had in hand. She had it to listen to the control tower lingo, and added that she also flew. “It’s easy to learn, and you just got to get up with an instructor and see if you like it.” She told me that he had to stop flying when her kids were born, but now older and have they left home …she can resume her flying hobby. She was small, and she joked about being able to stand without bending over underneath the overhead compartments.


I offered my view that we so often look at what is wrong or bad, instead of looking to what is good in every situation. I know I still gravitate much easier to what I don’t like in any given situation. Even last night, exhausted I woke up, unable to sleep, feeling angry, but able to laugh at myself and quickly pick up a book that I am reading. It is interesting enough to wind me back down. I do like silence when I read with my aphasia, to get the most out a book and be fully absorbed. So it worked to my favor, waking up unexpectedly. This is one of the small miracles of life that we could be easily be happy about but pass it over quickly to being upset. Moving back to a world that seen has a lot more earthquakes, floods, wars, and economic downturns than we ever possible imagine, all our worries pale in comparison. We are really just a speck on a fly in existence in the cosmic scheme of things and our ability to look beyond is purely an awareness that we can learn and adopt. This adoption saves us from despair and depression instead of our normally small view of our life we maintain just to boost our ego.


Life is a truly a dream,
All troubles I alone create
When I stop creating, the trouble stops.
With a single mind, with an unbounded heart
We wake up to the Wonderful Existence
within True Emptiness
That we are in the middle of right now.
When all the world ceases to exist,
Only the Wonderful remains.

— Bhikshu Heng Chau

When Being Right is Wrong

On this wisdom path, some things just tickle you like seeing a sweet humming bird. A week ago at yoga, the teacher walked in a tiny bit late but full of piss and vinegar. The subway was slow and subjected him to an evil abusive man and his female prey/conjugate. He said, that he knew she was being abused, but without direct proof there while riding in the subway, he felt powerless. It bugged him, added on top of it the train was late.

He tired his best to make it into a lesson for the class, but his internal temperature and tone was not very good. So, like a tornado he brought the bad energy into class, and we all felt it. I even found myself irritated and I even had just finished a half hour meditation before it started. I continued pushing past the first half hour where I felt like walking out and I could see how it was affecting my poses. Anger is like this, I say. Thinking, he is human and has feelings and to be compassionate I will use this as practice to maintain a cool heart. I have brought bad energy to situations myself, now I can see first hand how it affects people.

Several friends said after class, “I don’t think I will ever attend his class again.” I said, “I felt this same way and it wasn’t professional, of course… but he is young and still a good teacher.” His intent was not to make us as irritated as he was. This week in class he did not mention it, and nor did I...so we were seemlessly back on track. I could have said something to him and stormed out of that class making a scene. Thus, doing so would only prove what a friend said about me years ago, “You have the ability to piss off all the right people.” Being right in this instance is raising my temperature and mood to meet him head on. With an ego mind, I would look to myself as hero, but to everyone else a fool. But, I am everyone else so the fool precedes the hero.



Meditation allows me to see this, to look beyond the immediate moment, often called “Being Right,” to what do I really want to see as a final outcome. If I want happiness... then, I have to be happiness even when I don’t get it all my way. Today, I went to the same teacher’s hour and half yoga clinic, and we sat talking about leg positions when sitting like old friends. The future you want can suddenly be right here, reminding you of the work you did do to casually open the door to let the happiness back in.

David Blaine: How I held my breath for 17 minutes

One of the most touching part of the video is shown at nearly the end telling of his passion for what is does. Similar to this, occasionally I'll do something good for someone when it is not preplanned, and totally spontaneous(and feels natural)...I will get flushed...a sign of my true heart's desire.

Mirror, Mirror....Not!

My powerbook walked back into my life after coughing up some cash, with a new hard disc and a folder named recovery divided by the two passes the computer guy did on the messed up hard drive. Reminds me of my body just after the strokes. How come crime specials always recover all the data? Because life is not like fiction. It is funny that even with this remedy, it still involves some work to figure it all out salvage what is left and merge and then purge. With increased wisdom you will know there will always be something needing to be fixed, whether it is your house, car, computer or partner. That happiness is not derived from having all your wants lined up.

That is why I came home after a long day with volunteer projects with the computer that needs to be weeded and backed up, and sat down to meditate. Knowing that if I start the process without a clear mental state, I will quite possibly make more of a mess or at the very least, get all wound up. This is not the procrastinators’ approach to life, but instead using some wise scraps that seem to follow me as walk down this path.


I spent my Saturday learning the 32 parts of body meditation. A overview in one day, of what and how your are supposed to understand that you are not your body by chanting and visualizing those 32 parts, building concentration, and perhaps healing where you store your feelings. A day was way too short, they often do it for a minimum of 10 days to as long a 8 months in Burma. I thought that this method might work very well over a longer time period, but I have pretty much figured out the idea I am not my body, from being in a coma with nurse talking like I was not “there.” That combined with my whole experience in hospital now has left me so that when ever I look in the mirror, I don’t see me but a body, because I know very concretely I am much more than whatever barks back. A mirror cannot possibly contain everything I am now. I look back every time now and laugh.

Haunts of the Unresolved

This blog is Buddhist based and it is my path, and I will often say "it is where the skin hits the road," because to fully mature into wisdom you have to look at everything you do—Right or wrong and learn from it. Maybe you won't learn right away, because it is not in your Karma. I won't be able to wax on about the suttas, well frankly because it is still difficult to read with my injury. Moving on, my mom is currently helping a woman is not even related to her. A woman related to her new husband who has now outlived her own daughter. At 96, she is pretty good physically but now her mind is going. Lately, she is regressing, reliving her childhood and delving into unresolved issues from when she was a child. It is painful for my Mom, only because it reminds her of what she has to look forward to. I chirped in foolishly(not wisdom), you should work on unresolved issues while you still can, referring to her relationship with my father.



Turning the cards on myself, I thought about what unresolved issues that I have. Perhaps, one was with my partner at the time of my accident. We had some issues, although not unfixable way back then, but you know timing is everything. My family was close to him as they spent a lot of time together while I was in the hospital. I loved him and my family loves him and still continues to this day.


I knew that I had to come to grips with my disabling condition, and lack of speech. He wanted to move in with me and take care of me, but I knew myself well enough to know that all the little problems you have, your partner then becomes the object of all your anger and frustrations. I had to figure out who and what I was, post injury. I thought it would be best for him. Talking with a close friend in advance of making this big decision at such a fragile time in my life, I broke down, knowing that I might lose him. It was a heavy decision and one I did not take lightly. I told him to go back to school, and give me a year to figure it all out, to hopefully save him from my anger. Well, as real sign of the problems we faced going into this, he got extremely hurt and vanished from my life for years. I was exhausted and devastated and it amazes me I never saw a neuropsychologist through all this. I had mailed him an explanation leading up to my decision, not blaming him but professing my love still, even though apart.


Years passed, and I began to date again, but I still had hopes of getting back. I finally found him and reconnected, and told him of my travels and stuff. I wanted to see if we could make this work, even if was at a friendship level. I valued him that much, as we go back more than 18 years. Things were going pretty good as friends, and we enjoyed the long banters on the phone, and occasional visits. I think that as it progressed, he did not want to be hurt again and decided to kill it to have a sense of control. I can only guess that this why he took this into his own hands. I was a bit shocked and hurt not unlike how he was years ago. I was pretty settled into my current partner and our commitment was a done deal, yet this is the unresolved issue with somebody I still love and have respect for. All my previous long-term partners have progressed into friendships, and a few of my dreams have included him. If there is one thing I would like to do, is make sure he is happy and loved at the least. He played a key role in the person I am today and offered some insights during our partnership, that I am only just now appreciating. All I can do now, is send him love when I meditate. Thank you for your love, BTD.

Whatever Life Throws at Us

Taking a full day to meditate like I did this past Sunday is one of the best things I can ever do, to wipe my slate clean of worries and annoyances. I had my computer’s hard drive fail, potentially losing my photos from April 2009 until current. For some reason my back up drive that was plugged in two days before my hard drive failure did not copy them all even though it was supposed to. I have a guy working on trying to remove them for my old defunct drive. But you know, I am prepared to lose them now with this meditation on the impermanence of things. Ironic that it included my novice photos, I guess to remind me to do it again!

Although my day of mediation only produced one moment of bliss in the morning session, and hours of mild discomfort when it ended at 5 pm and I booked home for another sit at a church ending at 9pm. I awoke early on Monday, and a friend in Thailand asked me to help design and write something for him, and I dropped everything to do it for him at 6am. My “me” was significantly squashed for the time being and I proceeded to enjoy real lightness and bliss all of Monday. Tuesday, I was scheduled to help clean up the Nun’s Vihara backyard. After I enjoyed tea, and talked with them, and they asked, “Would I return to do more? I said, Of course! The lightness tampered off each day, but I was far less anxious and very awake. On Wednesday, I was rushing to clean my house and had a bucket of soupy water to clean my floors and the handle broke and dumped the entire bucket all over my bedroom’s floor. Surprisingly (especially for me!), I did not curse or get startled. And quickly got towels to absorb the mess.

Later that evening, I made it to meet a dhamma friend on time at a Zen Center, arriving early enough to squeeze 40 minute sit while waiting for the talk to start. We agreed to go try it, just to see what it is like but content with our Theravada practice. I joked, “It is same Buddha!,” after when we were discussing the dhamma lesson that was not unlike ours. Anyway, the teacher walked in to prostate, acting very deliberate which I thought was on account of being Zen. But after she prostate, she asked a nun nearby, "Was that three times? Walking very carefully around to sit down I felt something was wrong.(besides being Zen, lol) She sat down to talk, and immediately integrated the teaching with her own story about how she was hit by a construction wall just after she placed a quarter in a parking meter. My jaw dropped. She spent the last year and half just trying to relearn most everything. I later said to my friend, I was meant to come to this talk. She continued on with her talk and I just smiled and kept quiet about my own brain injury when the floor was open for questions at the end. I thought hard, about what would help her, as I could see she was working very diligently to recover while still showing signs of a brain injury.


I waited until after the talk and met her aside, and said one thing that worked wonders for me, was having a “funeral” for old self…a wake or a party. This allows you to discover the new person you become and relax about expectations based on this old self. Because it is never coming back, really. She said, “Even your obvious side effects with speech, you seem so alive. Your eyes so bright!” I replied, “Dhamma helps! Thanks for your teaching about being ready for whatever life throws at us.” We really have no idea, and living in an earthquake zone— Haiti teaches us it can be far worse than we ever imagined.

The Things We Lose

I have lost a few loves in my life, lost most of my retirement during the dot com crash, and lost my health and ability with my brain injury. Some things comes and go, like my health returned somewhat, with determination. Now it is apparent to me that this is natural part of life, and to stay on the path of wisdom, you have to roll with life’s punches and learn lessons...sometimes twice. Most certainly as you age you lose more and more abilities, so that by the time you retire you are just about shot! Every insurance companies and the federal government are not betting on your side. So, the path of wisdom is to prepare yourself mentally and this doesn’t mean digging your heels deeper and grabbing on tighter. In this losing process, you don’t have to lose your cool by learning to let go of one’s attachments to things. It is very much an ongoing lesson, so that when death comes, you will be that much more prepared and may even be able to slip into meditation as you pass.

Losing things does not have to be traumatic, it took a couple of days of coming to this conclusion when I lost money, to say, “Money is money, and money is not me!” And, I came to this 10 years ago proving I was on the road earlier than I thought. Perhaps, I knew deep down after surviving my near death that I am much more than the external things that seem to rule our lives. So this path is rediscovering the essence of who you really are. Looking around at what you have in your house that will soon be in someone else’s home or the trash, will help you know instinctually that you are not what you have, regardless of what advertising tells us. And whenever you feel a bit lost, or a bit sad go right outside of yourself and talk to a neighbor, friend or your partner and offer help, because the one thing you never lose is your kindness and connection with others. Your origination was from the kindness of your mother, because if she did not take care of you, you would not be reading this. So we started with kindness, and hopefully we end this fast trip with kindness for our self and others.

The Ripple Effect

I'm trying to set an intention to smile a lot more, even when it is painful, or even when I carry some irritation. We all can find something that bugs us, and even when we don’t ….we make some up! It is alarming to see a smiling man, and this morning I was gesturing for another car to go ahead, applying patience and a man waiting for a bus waved back at me. He saw a smile, and me waving…so he waved back, as the car was directly behind him. That made me smile more instead of getting annoyed that my intended target wasn’t him.



Which brings me the idea of intention. How if we proceed in the world with good intentions, there are ripple effects, like people who ignored you… before smile and ask how you are. But getting caught up with expectations in every moment, will also bring suffering when your good intentions are wrought with selfishness. Oftentimes you can smile and great strangers with an open heart, and not see the effects it has in their life. Someone unseen could reap the good fortune. Give it a think. That unknown someone could be nice to your friend, who when inspired by the stranger, might show up at your house with dinner. You benefit from someone else inspired by your ripple. I know from my meditations, which I have said before, help to download my worries and fears daily, thus freeing me up to be spontaneously happy and great the world with a smile more than before. A word of caution if you are smiling to piss off that angry person you encounter everyday(especially while driving), you are not doing it with pure intention. Tonight, while driving to temple a truck behind me had his brights on, and although I really wanted to get out my car at a light and tell him, I had to remind myself, that he just wanted to be happy. I just pointed my mirrors skyward and patiently continued until he left on a turn. It was inconvenient, but was hardly life threatening and my goal is too relax about things you can’t control. So, in this instance by not getting angry, and confronting the person, I, in effect, stopped a potential ripple of anger.

What is Your Trigger?

After I saw this talk, “Photographing the Hidden Story” it brought up several questions in my mind. As a photographer can you access other peoples emotion, really? Sure, in some cases, but I feel that if the said audience has never had a emotion that involved someone that they are not personally connected to before…how will they now? At what point does one access heart felt emotion to apply to an unrelated person? Do we have to play emotional music to emphasize? We all share the range of emotions of human existence, and sometimes totally unrelated to the specific image or incidence we can reassign deep pain we have felt in the past to them. What is your trigger? Are we just a bundle of stored emotions waiting to be unleashed? I know that sometimes in my meditations I can find where I take a worry and turn into displeasure or disgust in another human being...stopping this trigger right in motion. What do you access? Loneliness, a breakup,or perhaps a death. Share with other readers below. You can post anonymously.