Special Moments

I was walking across the street outside the Hall of Justice, after getting my ticket dismissed, purely on a logical issue. Looking at tow of a black corvette, police and meter maids, all around, "I exclaimed, OH! MY CAR!" Beside me walking, was a parking maid who said, "Honey, that's not your car... you are too logical." She said, I would never date a man who had that car, too vain. Walking further, I pointed to my bicycle...My ride! And she said, "See, I knew you were smart." We just laughed and said our good byes.

A Quiet Day at the Monastery

We can learn Dhamma from nature, from trees for example. A tree is born due to causes and it grows following the course of nature. Right here the tree is teaching us Dhamma, but we don't understand this. In due course, it grows and grows until it buds, flowers and fruit appear. All we see is the appearance of the flowers and fruit; we're unable to bring this within and contemplate it. Thus we don't know that the tree is teaching us Dhamma. The fruit appears and we merely eat it without investigating: sweet, sour or salty, it's the nature of the fruit. And this is Dhamma, the teaching of the fruit. Following on, the leaves grow old. They wither, die and then fall from the tree. All we see is that the leaves have fallen down. We step on them, we sweep them up, that's all. We don't investigate thoroughly, so we don't know that nature is teaching us. Later on the new leaves sprout, and we merely see that, without taking it further. We don't bring these things into our minds to contemplate. —Ajahn Chah "Tree Dhamma"

Ajahn Chah, Root profile shrine

A Healthy Set of Questions

Today, a man at the gym unloaded on me, starting first at what he thought I had. He was wrong, guessing heart attack, but I have spoken to him a few times and it must have never sunk in. His guess was based on his own fears of causing a heart attack to himself, worrying about various things. He knows I meditate, but he is not anywhere close to wanting to change the way he has been doing things. I tried to ease his mind, to learning to just stop all thoughts 2-5 seconds as Bentinho Massaro suggests...again and again. I said just rest in your body when you know you are living in your head. Being an ear, was therapeutic to me to just relax and show someone else I care. His problems are what most of us encounter in life, doubt. Yet, he is far better position financially than myself, enabling me to relax my own fears in the process.

Act of Kindness Hazard

Yesterday, driving home from the Nun’s Vihara where we had a supporter’s meeting, I saw a novice monk waiting for the bus, and stopped my car and asked him if he would like a ride. It is right outside the temple along the park. He hesitated because he could not read my intention, so I immediately thought this is wrong, and thought about just leaving, but did not want to be rude and just turn on my heels. I was going along the same route on the way to another sit. When convinced I was O.K., the Thai monk got in and asked me to drive him to Golden Gate…not thinking it was the bridge…I drove him into the park, but he made it known that he was talking about the bridge. In further discussion, I got the sense that he is not a monk as a way to access wisdom, but more along the line that it was a free ticket. His speech and manner were questionable which tipped me off. I took him to the bridge, and had to leave fast to get across town in time for my sit. He wanted my cell number, which I reluctantly gave him, and then he asked me to drive him to San Jose today. It was asked in a very forward manner, so I was a bit bothered, because he obviously doesn’t know the time and cost. I did not give him a firm answer. I went to my sit and with the phone off, I got a text saying thank you and I hope you enjoy your meditation. But again, I thought this was a set-up. I was eating a late dinner having missed my lunch, and again got another text. The monk wanted to go in the morning. Arrgh! So, I texted him back that I will offer a drive to CalTrain and pay a one-way ticket for you instead. He finally said fine, and the whole time I was cursing myself when I felt it was out of line, based on my intuition. I thought about texting a lie that I could not make it, or calling him on his behavior, but did not. I thought I would use it for my practice of patience. This morning, just when I was going to leave to pick him up to go to the train, he texted me to say, “I won’t be going”. Now, I know the reputation of the head monk of the temple he was staying at and perhaps this may have come up with the two of them over breakfast. Or maybe the monk reviewed his reason for wanting to go to San Jose, or even the overstepping of my kindness, but regardless things happened to work out …as soon as I relaxed.

This Moment

What if this moment is all we have. How many thoughts go through your head, while at the time you are reading this? I am writing this, while recalling the time that is depicted in a photo of my family on my dresser, taken when I was probably 13. Where in the exact spot a day later, I met a man who was bicycling around the world. He spun tales of this to me back then, amazing my little head. My moments with him, traveled with his tales. That moment with him is way gone... never to be repeated, a well as my father in the day before photo. Everything seems to be written in stone at any given time, but in actuality is more like the wisps of clouds shown in the photo. So, if this moment someone shows kindness or laughter with you, pay attention and don't miss it. You will end up savoring it... at another time, sprinkled with your many thoughts.

I am currently, enjoying several happy moments I had today and not bothered with those other moments that could really seem so serious and almost melancholy. It is a choice we have to bring feelings into relived moments.

Waiting on Transportation

We often think that if we just figure out where to go and when ...we will reach a place where we can find happiness. Meanwhile, we may even be sitting quietly and enjoying a cup of tea, forgetting how perfect this moment can be, right now. We don't realize we can postpone happiness until it's too late.

I looked at all the serious faces this morning in a relaxing yoga class. Why so serious? To get it done and then be happy. What happens if you can't do it?

On Truth and Advertising

Once upon a time I used to work on Saturn car account from its introduction. They were supposed to be a "different kind of car company," yet still had the heavy hand of GM all over it. I knew and most all of the team knew that these cars were not revolutionary or even that unique. One small example, I picked my choice of paint colors at the beginning and two of the colors I picked did not get used until the line was close to the end, nearly 20 years later. I worked on selling something I had no faith in, unlike meditation and truth which is my life now. But it did teach me about false speech.

Dhamma Service

The birds were singing, the sun was shining for my service on a short course at Vipassana. “You got lucky,” I heard from the guy who turned it over to me when he sat out this course. We had a team that consisted of three people who had just served recently and 4 had an idea of what was involved. One man had served 15 courses and was nearly blind from Retinitis pigmentosa but still was able to clean the heavy pots, knowing it from before his vision got worse. He was just one of a source of inspiration for the wisdom of dhamma to enable one to be happy even under difficult circumstances. I led him back and forth form the hall, sometimes letting him use my shape to follow. When it was too dark, letting him place a hand on my shoulder. We had a wide range of people and everyone clicked in to fill in places to get things done fast. It was exciting and fun to watch a wide range of people unknown to each other, help one another all without any problems. It was also noticeable to watch no one was ‘fake nice’ while at the same time biting his or her tongue. We had enough time to get to know each other over food breaks, and spend time to compare dhamma stories. It all got done, and towards the end even faster than we imagined. Then when the students were able to speak were kind enough to say thanks. A great experience to be able to see what it took to make my 10-day move smoothly and be able to squeeze in some meditation time (about 4 hours a day).

Service is Better with Gratitude

My partner and I where talking about our beginnings. What made, what happen and when. It didn't really matter, because it changes nothing, nor makes anything clear that we don't already know in our heart. We both met with good intention and rested in it, when times were tough. So, I am doing service at a 4 day Vipassana with good intentions to give back to something that clearly helped with gratitude. I am excited, because even the confirmation call was done by a nice, happy, grateful person. It signals that this will good experience.

An Open Heart Can't Lead One Astray

Recently, I had a man, stop me bicycling and ask me, “What made you sit down and talk to me?” I had talked with him over a year ago trying to shake the fact he took himself too seriously. He then thanked me for suggesting a dhamma group in town, he has attended for the last year. The point of this is he wanted to know why I helped him, and I said, “I saw me in you!”

Today, I was having my wood floors redone and by some grace got two men, one of which had gratitude in his heart. I immediately felt his open heart and found out that he experienced a similar injury to mine, a stroke. He was busy with his job and I with mine, online stuff, when at noon I got an email from another friend from temple. On the subject line it said EMERGENCY, and it contained a cute photo of a baby pit bull she needed to find a good home for. I wasn’t sure why she would ask me, and I wasn’t sure why she had this dog. I immediately asked the one who had the good heart if he would like a pit bull showing him the two photos of her. He said I have to ask my wife, and my landlord to make sure, but my family would like a dog. So, I let this play out, and later in the day he heard from both and it was ok. I put him on the phone to my friend, and I guess she cried on the phone about wanting her to go to a good home. I had walked away, and walking back I could see with concern he was gentle with her on the phone.We set a time later in the day for them to meet and get the dog. He shows up with his whole family to reassure my friend that the dog is going to a good home. Finding out that she rescued the dog from someone she knew, and she did not want her to be sold to breeders or to made to fight. Locally, they have a perfect program to help families train dogs called BAD RAP. It was perfect in the time we had before she came, I got to know the family of the man I only met 8 hours previous. But all I had to do is see them all and know right away it was right, and I could sit back and let it happen. Immediately any sadness and concern by my friend melted, and all his kids got to meet the dog as it was a secret to them. Just so that he did not promise what he could not deliver until it was OK, which pointed to his maturity in this situation. They all talked and played with the dog, and it was a great fit. The family all gave me hugs and my friend and took off happily with their new dog.

These photos taken by a new friend who was with me to witness this day, Thanks, M.C.!

Thai's Have it Right: The Hidden Power of Smiling

…That a smile goes a long way. Oh, and now they find in studies that happiness is contagious… even among strangers. here If you don't get even a small smile looking at this photo than you are helpless. Finding that when I am too helpful or nice, especially at my gym they think I am looking for a date. I do already have someone special in my life, and I guess the band on my finger doesn’t mean anything anymore. I have since dropped any worries, and just laugh in the gym or yoga. Wearing my t-shirts that say: Some pursue happiness, others create it.(click on t-shirt in right column). A yoga friend commented recently, "It is so good to hear you laugh in yoga, just when I find myself struggling with a pose.
Now, a few folks have asked me how do I do it, regarding my partner? If you have trust and love firmly established, then doubts fall away. I am hoping that I am too smart to worry, knowing that will never make me happy. And who needs to invent more problems? I surely don’t, even though I know even more difficult times ...will come. It is the nature of life, you are given as much as think you can handle. Then more show up just about the time you think you have it all figured out, just to kill your high. It is not pessimism, but it is my time honored realist approach after my near death experience. So you better to learn to laugh at yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning or when you suddenly find you’re frustrated over simple tasks when driving or waiting in line. I am trying, because studies say that grumpy people have fewer friends. I know I need as much help as I can get. Let's make this the land of smiles!

A Desire for Peace

The beautiful young women sat beside me after yoga, apparently the teacher told her to speak to me about meditation. She was interested how my 10 day Vipassana course went, because she is wait listed for an upcoming course. She looked at me with such unease, but also had a firm desire to find peace. I talked to her about how it works, and not to fight her mind. The nature of the mind is to think. So, to let it drift and have compassion for yourself, even chuckle when you find yourself on the fourth shoot off the original nugget of thought. Saying, “Don’t think it will all end, but you will tire of it and relax… letting them drift by and then remember to come back to the breath. It is a great self-discovery to know what your mind is doing all the time whether you like it or not. The peace comes in with the acceptance of the truth, and the ability to finally be at ease with it. You get to experience the peace that is always there. I did convey that it is fun, and you have plenty of company and how I wished I had done it earlier. I also mentioned I am going back to serve at the end of this month to give back. I said, “What else you need, good food, nice surroundings, and possible friendships with others on the same path. Dispel any worry, it has not happened yet and your body will relax into it at it’s own rate…no one forces you to do anything. There are teachers to ask questions of, and just know the servers have all done a course or more and are there in spirit. She asked if I was in class the following day, I replied, "yes." I will offer any wisdom that I feel is appropriate to aid in her confidence to do such a valuable course. How exciting!

Some Kindness that Saved Me

I thought it would be nice to recall kindness, spurred on when a friend of mine is putting together a movie on it. Way back, when I had my brain damage and hospitalization nightmare, I was put in a local hospital connected with the Dr. who caused this trauma. My mother and family conferred that it would be a good idea to hire a day & night nurse because I was in such critical stage with an outcome that could easily be death and who knows what could happen. One wrong move, or forgetting to suction my lungs once could kill me. From what my Mom told me my sister found the nurses. The night nurse was an ex-Vietnam War nurse and he was an angel who inspired me everyday and got me to do a thumb’s up on my weak side for the first time when all the Dr.’s said at the time I would never be able to go home and survive. He talked to me like an adult, even joking to me, chastising me for being in this position.
That nurse would, at dawn, report everything I did with him, and give my mother much hope. At night, on breaks would go smoke cigarettes with my partner, at that time and my brother to fill them in ...in a relaxed manner while emotions were still high. His compassion shined through even though I was intubated and going in and out of consciousness. So I could not forget him nor could my family. My sister sent him a poem, and my mom wrote a Thank you. I wrote my first Thank you when I got home from the hospital after a month, which was very difficult because I still could barely read. He died less than a year after I got home, and our thank you’s found by his brother painted a beautiful picture of this nurse’s life. I still have the letter his brother wrote me, about finding the tributes. So if you are inspired by kindness submit a story to the film.

Accidental Awareness

Monday night I was talking with my partner, and he mentioned to me he wanted to go to law school. This came as a surprise since he just got through with his masters in Marketing and complained of being so tired, because he did so working a full time job Monday – Friday. My first reaction was shock and thinking that his new time off weekends threw him. I had to really think of what to say, and to make him think clearly about why this came up, supposedly from nowhere. I say nowhere, not as a reaction for not accepting any change, but more knowing he has never shown interest in law in the past. So, I backed off somewhat, telling him what to do and that if it makes him happy, go ahead. This still did not take the shock away from my awareness. Since this conversation happened at night, it left me trying to find peace with his new idea I went in search of some non-dual speakers. I think I was on Robert Wolf’s site and found Bentinho Massaro talks on YouTube and was pleasantly interested. After the fourth video I said this man is awake, and found myself up late at night. Listening to more the following days, while in conversation with my partner about his new idea, I was relaxing an outcome that would be acceptable to me. I kept telling my partner that I love him and to do what makes him happy when every time it came up. Meanwhile, I had found that Bentinho was here in town, coincidently and I saw him not just one evening, but also a whole day retreat. After hearing him speak and deal with people’s questions on Friday, I knew I had to see him on Saturday. I came home on Saturday after the all day retreat, evening and was so happy that it made it hard to go to sleep. Waking at 2am in a great mood and was chatting with my partner of 10 years who decided that he did not want to go back to school, now. In ending the conversation saying that I love him. His reply, “That’s amazing!”

Planting the Right Seed

Many times, we are in a situation and don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. Perhaps, it is because it doesn't go as planned. Maybe it is because we are not getting enough attention, and someone else is doing all the talking. We have a tendency to try every angle in our head while waiting for someone to give us a break. We think if we figure it all out, we will be at ease. “If they only knew!” Multi-tasking, when instead, we could just rest in awareness. Today, such a thing happened and so the mind drifted to what I need to get done, I smiled and watched the birds, near-by. Not to signal boredom, but if the conversation doesn’t include me, I can still listen, which one registers by looking in the person’s eyes while they speak. The unease comes from it not going as we planned it in our head, because everyone knows we have a lot to say. But no one else is in our head... besides us, and so we start to plant our seed of self-created suffering when instead we could have just enjoyed the company, the day and relax. Are we that important? If I excuse myself and leave will I feel better? Not really, and today I did just this, let them talk, and just settled back, relaxed, watching and feeding the birds. It changed all my expectations, so when I came home there was no need for meditation. Instead of doing what I had planned earlier, since I was late, I took it as a seed of life as it is, and calmly cooked the nuns a meal for tomorrow. At the same time made tea and food for a friend while he was busy making phone calls, another unplanned event.

Sunrise, Sunset?

We commonly say the sun sets and rises based on how it appears to us, and yet we know the earth rotates the sun. What else are we confused by? How many times have you argued with another person and days later you find out you are wrong? It takes a big person to apologize for your mistakes, especially when you think the other person forgot. I have had just two people in my life come back to me after the fact and apologize. When have you apologized for wrong appearances?

“To realize truth our whole being has to be brought to accord with actuality, with things as they are. Which requires that in communication with others we respect things as they are, by speaking the truth. Truthful speech establishes a correspondence between our own inner being and the real nature of phenomena, allowing wisdom to rise up and fathom their real nature. Thus much more than an ethical principle, devotion to truthful speech, is a matter of taking a stand on reality, rather than illusions. On the truth grasped by wisdom rather than the fantasies woven by desire.”
— Bhikkhu Bodhi

"I want everyone to be healthy"

The man naively said to me, when I asked how his wife is doing post back surgery. He said he was tired of having to bathe her. I guess he forgot his vows, and he was referring to his circle, and it was not a general wish for everyone. I said, "Right now, you are O.K., wouldn't you be pissed if someone said this about you? You know it is just a matter of time, aging hits eveyone of us." This same man complains of his kidney stones, yet won't drink enough water. I suggested aloe vera juice when he complained of reflux. It makes me think about what I do that contrasts my well-being. In fact just writing this seems trite, so I ask forgiveness.
Bicycling to the store the other day, moving quite fast, a woman turned right in front of me across the bike lane to back up in a driveway, she saw me and did not care. I braked hard, and the rear wheel lifted up, but no wreck, I was attentive. Anger rose up fast, but I said to myself ...this where the path is put in motion. Stop it, don't curse her, don't wish harm...she won't change for me. Release the anger, as I rode up to her at the light she got stopped by. The first victim of my anger is me, and as the light turned green rode on, with a smile.

we already have everything ...We Seek

My vipassana experience pulled my “I” apart from my body awareness. What this did for me is to enable me to drop the attachment to this old aging body. So, when I am tired or my shoulder hurts, it is not “I’m tired, or my shoulder hurts,” and more my body is affected, my awareness is not. I have the same awareness whether or not my body is hurt or tired. My choice now is not attach to anything as unstable as the body. It is not the same one I had 5 years ago, or even just yesterday.

Back when I had my near death, and subsequent hospitalization with brain injury, “I was a little foggy” and yet still had humor, anger and the whole range of emotions…I still was aware. I realized over the span of a year(yes, a slow learner!), that I had to drop any ideas of who I was in the past, the attachment to the “I” that existed before the injury. Sure, I could set unrealistic goals, but I was smart enough not to speak of them, so if I failed no one could call me on it. My core being was not damaged, only my brain…so if I walk funny or talk totally bizarre it is my body. I began to notice hopeful inquisitive people ask, “Where are you from?” If I laughed they would relax as well, as I would. If I tried to protect myself, my “I,” would only turn out badly or even pathetic. Laughter about who the hell "I" was, post my coma and journey to the next life(short-lived, but fun), only foretold the future to a better outcome. Don’t try so hard, everything we are... we learned, you did not have a hard drive filled with software ready to rock. Unlearn..that there is not anything out there that you don’t have inside of yourself.

From a Beautiful Heart... a Surprise

Well, I have just come down after this week’s surprise gift… having to nap two hours from exhaustion. I started the day with an hour meditation, took the nuns some food I made, and did yoga. Still felt very tired. I have been working on the house, while paying my property taxes, budgeting money ever so careful. Meanwhile, my partner has been asking when am I coming and have I booked the tickets yet? I have been looking, but have not enough money this month. So, on Tuesday a friend emailed me and said he would like to give me an early birthday gift, a free 3 month ticket to Thailand. My jaw dropped, and being mindful as I sat in meditation that morning... going, this is excitement! I felt the blood rushing, and my eyes fluttering. With all my flaws and critical mind, I have been lucky to have a few good people come into my life. And stay. From the moment I met him, he has shown me he has a great heart. I had helped my friend in the past settle in another country with his partner when the U.S. was not willing. I guess I should not be surprised... just be very thankful!

The Path Light

The other day, a friend came by for tea. Excitedly, he told me about having three tickets to possibly win a multi-million dollar house. He went in with two other friends, only spending $225(his share) for the chance.
I said, “This might point to you to why I am on this spiritual path... You have two houses, a good job with a flexible schedule, full retirement, and money in the bank and you think that winning this house will make you happy?” He replied, ‘And, your point?”
That happiness does not lie outside of yourself.
It doesn’t mean I have fully given this all up, just bringing more awareness to every decision I make. Also, I’m not trying to be a killjoy, but he has asked in the past why bother and said I should just enjoy life. My difficult circumstances brought this to me and it is not a hobby or to fill time.

Tears of Gratitude?

I was sitting down to meditate and gratitude came up. My mother, the Buddhist nuns, my family(even my mentally ill sister), my friends, my current and ex-partners(one of which was cooking for the nuns at my suggestion), and the friend who lead me to vipassana( by not telling me, showing me).
Tears started to flow, and I began to think, am I mourning the loss of my ignorant self? Or perhaps, being so stupid not to appreciate them even more? ... and thus telling them? But telling someone they are appreciated is only words, and using wisdom to motivate right intention and thus action begins to call out stronger. Observing it again, it is just emotion, the heart peeling layers of protection off of itself. Layers applied to protect the self, which is really only a made up, or learned identity. Unlearning it is really relaxing all formally entrenched ideas of a self, independent of the world. If we were really independent, we would not have parents. Think immaculate conception(not here! Believe you me!) and it blows the self out of the water.

Create Your Own Happiness

Sometimes your allergies are in full bloom like the flowers and you take the pills. Some work, some don't. Some pills make you clean the house in record time, others leave you in the dust. At first, you say they are driving you crazy. But what happens every year? ALLERGIES. When I was a kid we lived for awhile in the middle of nowhere in farm country. My dad was giving me hell like, 'GO, find a friend!" The only loser I could find sucked his shirt, so it was really slim pick'ins. My allergies would swell my eyes shut, and only because it was all I had! Fast forward to today, they are a part of life and once you decide not to make this your misery, live with it, laugh more or meditate more. Maybe even nap more, and suddenly they fall away from your center of attention. Who is really in control?



Now how can you be miserable wearing this t-shirt?

The Dust Also Rises

My table in a quiet murmur speaks to me, “Remove my dust, please.”
I, like the rock can't move. I am waiting for the next wave of dust to settle, from the vibrations of life. Attentively, I stare, listening to the sound of silence. The rock says, "Hey, you, Mr. dreamy eyes, can you bring me some water? I really look quite handsome, with the salt water of the Kehoe beach. Don’t you remember when I left you so enchanted, when I surfaced among your miseries to wake you up? You dragged me home to sit in dust with all I have done for you? I tell the rock, “Hey, listen up, buddy, you're enjoying the vibes of all life, some of that dust is mine or I mean me…its’ really me. The rock says, "It is who? How can that be?" “It is the ever changing me, some of my precious skin lies there on you. Up close and personal. Are you wearing protection?", I say, laughing. "Hopefully, it is the fun parts, or those same enchanted parts we share, because I have shelved the misery for right now. So, enjoy the dust." I turn the light off and rock whispers, "sweet dreams."

This Hand ...

This hand shoed off the photographer at my 4th birthday party
because I felt shy.

This hand was held while my mother stopped my nosebleed when I had a fight with my best friend at 5.

This hand was held, by my father when they stitched my eyebrow cut open when I enthusiastically ran after my father to fish and fell face down on rocks at 6.

This hand grabbed a tree to hide behind when someone shot at me and my friend walking along a frozen creek at age 7.

This hand held the reins of my first pony I bought with money I saved from mowing lawns at 13.


...and Later

This hand was held by my partner when he was told I might die while in a coma.

This hand wai’ed the older gentleman crying who sat behind me as appreciation for his fortitude for
being there at a 10–day Vipassana, upon completion.

This hand fell on a nail and provided no feedback as to its state, besides being very colorful.

This hand swept up to the sky in yoga many times in sun salute, trying to make it mimic its mate.

This hand cannot feel anymore and too soon will lay still at my side and burn in my cremation.

Between now and then it is busy, Na?

Night Wisdom t-shirt

© A "WhereYouStop"
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H e a v y w e i g h t

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click on t-shirt to order

Season of Change

With the same “off again, on again” vibrations of life, my Vipassana course cancelled at 8:30, because of a storm and power outage. I just laughed and started to un-pack. I was in email contact with one of the nuns when this happened, so she knew how much I wanted to go. Later, they called back at 10pm saying it was on. On the drive out there in a storm, I was buying tea for the teachers for dana, and something told me to buy a pair of rubber boots. Good thing! The weather seemed to be coordinated perfectly with the concentration of our minds, stormy snow and rain at first, clearing to sun. On the fourth day, I was lucky enough to be served a smile by another man in our dorm on the way out of the meditation hall in a kind of like a “whew moment” that we all shared. Tried to work on my numb left side in the meditations, and on the eight day my left index finger and second finger lifted up above the place it rested on my knee. On day 7th and 8th day, I found some heart “blockage” that I pierced in visualizations, as it arrived and passed. Just noting without craving, my heart beats clearer and adds some new vibrations even now while home. I am hoping to integrate this in my daily meditations, using body sensations to realize impermanence. Just the same my guard spider is gone for now, but he usually moves down when the wind comes up in spring back to the trees and hedges nearby.
Yosemite was perfect closing for the weekend ending of this course before heading home, a suggestion by a dhamma brother. Many Thanks All!

My Guard Spider

With my guard spider in place above my door, I am taking off for a 10-day Vipassana to work on some more anger. I need this after dealing with contractors on and in my house for the last two months. Luckily, I bumped up daily meditation to 1 hour a day. Sorry, I have been to busy to post these last couple of weeks, so here is a interesting TED talk on "The Birth of Word."

Imaginary Love

I, like the character Francis, was the sensitive one in my 20's, but luckily could walk away when things were not right. Not to say that there was not pain, tears or attachment. I still knew what I wanted, beyond the hormonal needs. Perhaps, I saw the future. Ha! Cute film, as intense as the early 20's see love. A couple of brilliant scenes of forsaken love. Ouch!

What would you do?

The Japan catastrophe is weighing on everyone's mind. I know the suffering there to me, occupies my thoughts. We have prayed in temple with the sole purpose to help the Japanese.

Today, I rode my bike to the gym as usual even though it was raining. On the way out of where I park it in the gym, I had just mounted and the band holding my pants flew off and landed right in front of this man who I have seen in the gym. He just steps over it and continues walking, when he could have easily picked it up and handed to me. When it flew off I laughed like saying," Ha!", and when he ignored it, I just continued laughing. I know if was in position I would picked it up.

This week, I had a 92 yr old woman who is my computer class come to try the restoration yoga I go on Saturday at my suggestion. I helped her get set up, and up and down, and when things got a little too hard for her, I set up up for a relaxing savasana with props and a blanket, But she really liked legs up the wall... a first for her. Some poses she said would like to do them just to keep the body working. She was inspired by my "niceness," and when I walked her to her car, she said Thank you gave me a hug. She in turn, inspires me in class and even coming to try yoga. And this why she is still going while all her friends sit home and complain about their ailments!

A "Drive-by" Poem

Today, a man stopped me and asked if he could read me a poem. Of course I said, yes since I have no reason to fear strangers. I had my good vibes shining, so it was easy to approach me. I did not ask why, and I gave him my attention. I had tons of things to do, but I took today to take care of myself. Restoration yoga and met a friend for tea, and a shoulder massage since I was in pain. Later, I bought some blueberries to make he nuns a fresh pie. Oh, yes and thanked him. So, here it is:

The New Poetry Handbook by Mark Strand

1 If a man understands a poem,
he shall have troubles.

2 If a man lives with a poem,
he shall die lonely.

3 If a man lives with two poems,
he shall be unfaithful to one.

4 If a man conceives of a poem,
he shall have one less child.

5 If a man conceives of two poems,
he shall have two children less.

6 If a man wears a crown on his head as he writes,
he shall be found out.

7 If a man wears no crown on his head as he writes,
he shall deceive no one but himself.

8 If a man gets angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by men.

9 If a man continues to be angry at a poem,
he shall be scorned by women.

10 If a man publicly denounces poetry,
his shoes will fill with urine.

11 If a man gives up poetry for power,
he shall have lots of power.

12 If a man brags about his poems,
he shall be loved by fools.

13 If a man brags about his poems and loves fools,
he shall write no more.

14 If a man craves attention because of his poems,
he shall be like a jackass in moonlight.

15 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow,
he shall have a beautiful mistress.

16 If a man writes a poem and praises the poem of a fellow overly,
he shall drive his mistress away.

17 If a man claims the poem of another,
his heart shall double in size.

18 If a man lets his poems go naked,
he shall fear death.

19 If a man fears death,
he shall be saved by his poems.

20 If a man does not fear death,
he may or may not be saved by his poems.

21 If a man finishes a poem,
he shall bathe in the blank wake of his passion
and be kissed by white paper.

I AM, and The Great Shake-Up

There’s a time in most everyone’s life where, through an injury like Tom Shadyac’s or mine will be just enough to shake all your ideas about life up until that moment. It will happen to you in one way or another, but how you will proceed after is up to you. I used to volunteer for post brain injury patients, and only a few of them in the first few months of healing will have that great shake-up bulb on. Most still had their blinders on, pushing me to tell them when will they get back to normal and that wore on me signaling time to move on. I would say in a perfect world you walk out of here in two weeks and drive home, but now is when you wake up to what is right here, right now. Few would start thanking nurses and family members for their help as a sign of comprehension. Now, I am not saying I really had anything to do with this, but sometimes patients would hear me talk (yes, I am still “injured”), and understand that their life too, might never be back to normal. Tom takes this as his jumping off point to ask those important questions in the film I AM. He realized that with his healing, that no man is an island.

The Fixing Mind- Enable it to let go.

Oh, thank you for a casual reminder to let go today and yesterday. Customized to me but then again how is one supposed to learn if you're not paying attention? Sorry, I am missing posts this past month with all that has been going this month, but I did up my meditation!

Saturday, I helped a friend choose interior colors for his space with unbelievably dark colors his designer picked. And he kept running to Tahoe to escape the cave the guy put him in...I told him that is why. I gave him 3 versions in each room, even painting them myself, and two more areas that, for me, had pretty particular solutions that narrowed it down more easily. We knew if I get involved we get the ball rolling, so that is why I jumped on doing it for him. On Friday, I had seen a friend at the gym, who asked me about kirtan with Jai Uttal, and told me about her desire to go, I remembered to find a kirtan on Friday evening and book it. I contacted most all friends, and no one wanted to go or had other plans…but I am fine going alone. On Saturday morning, I talked with my yoga teacher and he said he and his friend were going, as well. So, after a strong cup of chai I took off and met them both at the door. We sat down together in the front row and met two more people, We sat around and talked about teaching yoga to regular people with injuries, etc. I conveyed my interest in teaching, but with my voice it would be a problem. But I still think that my story and perseverance would help people when they first start and are awash in what they can’t do. It was so much fun, that I had a hard time sleeping that night with my heart full of vibrations.



Sunday, I started early with a meditation upright in bed, my body told me to chill, when I thought about the all the work I have to do after contractors where here. I started a small part of it, and then did homework, read, napped, taking off for puja with the Nuns. I walked into the Vahara, and one was meditating, so I happily and quietly joined her, and placed my glasses down.
Later, she quietly prostrated 3 times, and thinking we might do puja, I moved from meditation posture to puja (hero’s pose) forgetting my glasses and rolled over them.

We just continued meditating for an hour, and I fought the need to fix the glasses for the first ten minutes. It is what I wanted to meditate more than recite prayers, so it was my wishes answered. I did chuckle internally during meditation about the “fixing mind” which seems like it was tailored to me, growing up with an alcoholic father. I did let go and relax, and I was not tense. In meditation, I did ‘see’ a six year old girl in the room with a parent, not related to me, a vision… and even let her go. The vihara was formally someone's house. I happily drove to pick up my injured friend’s laundry to take home, after the vihara.

I did see someone today even though he pulled up his collar to avoid me seeing him… and let go of the need to say hello because he did not need it at the moment. Again, something I can't fix. As a sick friend said on Saturday… psychic! when I emailed him a spot on guess of what he needed to eat that day. A sign of showing love for himself. And yes, it was what he had.

"I'm Viagra to Classical Music...

>

...and aspirin to pop culture." – Hahn Bin

A Memorable Moment

Today, after class I quietly talked with the Professor. I said, "I can't take much more, the woman next to me, needs to be spoon-fed, won't follow any directions, and interrupts me constantly... Never saying please, calling me by the wrong name. I just can not get anything done or take this with my aphasia." Smiling, She said, "I marveled at your patience, how do you do it? I thought about telling her I am Buddhist, but in this instant it sounded haughty so I kept quiet. "This will be easy, I will move your seat. We always have one like her", the professor said winking.

Very few times in my life people have said I am patient. Besides this one time, the other times when they see how I am treated in public when I speak. Not always, of course...but sometimes it is quite obvious others don't listen. You can't change the world.. only yourself, and I have not snapped at her, only watched how I feel. Looking beyond the immediate moment to a future where I have to deal with this person or someone like her. At least my practice has some fruits bearing in everyday existence.

I Don't See ME

I will tell you something... for the past several years, I rarely look in the mirror, and I am not one to check myself out. It is because when I look into the mirror I don't see me, I see more of the body I inhabit, as strangely as it sounds. This gets me in weird circumstances with food or sun cream on my face, but that is more about my numbness caused by the accident...I can't feel it there, and since I don't check much ....there you have it. I do look people in their eyes, and make a point to connect, but I rarely look into my own eyes. When I "look at myself" it is much deeper than the surface, and in sort of emptiness that never includes me popping around. I spent the better part of my youth worrying about how I look, so I can keep it together almost as second nature, yet it is far less important. Most of the reasons I still do anything at all is not to look like I lost my mind when I lost some brain parts. On second thought maybe I should dress the part, then others might understand.
I found this, months after I wrote this:

Turning Over Frustration

It has been a full week for the brain-injured person, that I am. Watching my friend while waiting for surgery and then the following day after it, still in extreme pain was not fun. Now he's at home, and I tired to make easy for him as I could. I told him that I was proud of how he handled it all. I was running between school, gym, and work at home and my injured friend.So, I was happy to go for prayers and a sit with a nun on Tuesday night. I tried my best with the singing the prayers being exhausted, later settling down to sit for an hour. Silently, tears just flowed down my cheeks, while I started to label my feelings as sadness and frustration at not being able to help my friend, combined with trying to keep it together with my injury. By the time the meditation ended, the tears did, too and I felt much better. I would not say happier, but all the things I was holding inside ...vaporized. I came home read a nice "Sun" magazine story and slept.

I managed to stick it out in my JC class, and finally got a computer this week, as it thinned out. It is interesting and challenging being in a very diverse class of people. There at least three other languages spoken all at the same time between students. All this feedback and noise for me makes doing simple things twice as difficult. Plus the teacher his notes, her computer screen and ours, makes a multi-tasking free for all. I can actually see how my daily meditation in stressful situations like this one kept me from lashing out. I watched others that seem to have a hard time, and opened up the compassionate mind to put the “me” mind on the back burner. I found myself making sure whenever anyone helped me I said, “Thank you.” I tried hard to smile even when it took all my concentration just to keep up. One woman next on one side was very helpful, and on the other side matter of fact and very demanding. Normally I would make a scene, when she one who would chirp out demands right when I was middle of doing something. But when I finished one thing I said calmly to her, “I have severe brain injury, and it takes all I got to keep up! Please wait to ask me something, after I look towards you.” Saying it in jokingly manner, so she did not blink or register as agitation. Knowing that we really can't change anyone, and my irritation becomes really my problem rather than hers. That made the whole class seamless,leaving me up to date. When a nice speech therapist in class who fully understands my difficulties asked, "How did it go?" Smiling, I said, "I am handicapable!"



Working towards my idea that one's reincarnation is really about how other's remember you. And that as soon as you remove yourself( the me factor), and help others and engage politely, the day, even while being very difficult and exhausting…does not become stressful. I talked with several people before class, and one guy asked me about my injury in great detail. I usually express the experience with humor ending on wisdom, so most walk away not feeling pity and are mildly surprised. I want people to see the miracles that can happen dealing with change, that it is not always bad or dreadful. During class there friendly and humorous exchanges while we helped one another. Even our teacher relaxed and told a story about going “blank” in her evening class. In two weeks, from strangers.... we became “family.”

Reflecting on Removal

Last Sunday, a friend wanted to enjoy the un-seasonably warm and sunny weather, went running. Jumping across a small creek during his run, my friend landed on a slippery place and his right leg slipped over to the left while his body tumbled forward over it breaking his leg. He was lucky there was someone nearby who also heard it break in two places. Five to ten minutes later an ambulance was there, and before he could get any pain drugs, they asked a ton of questions while doing vitals and blood work to see if his heart could take it. He arrived at the hospital in good time, but the O.R. had no surgeons. He had to wait 36 hours before they could squeeze him in the following evening. All the morphine in world would not have made him pain free, so it was pretty difficult to watch someone close to you, unable to make it better. But I know from my hospital and ICU stay, that people or family around can keep you on the radar screen and sleepy nurse stations alert. There was at least two times when his day nurse forgot pain drugs on the schedule, and he could only page numerous times with no avail before one of us would raise a stink.

Now, it's Wednesday and he is moderately better and almost a bionic man with a huge rod down the Fibula. Now weeding him off morphine so he can do PT and go home to face the first two frustrating weeks of healing….nearly immobile. A fit man, who in one split second needs the help of many people. A good lesson in one’s so called "independence."

He was doing great even with the extreme pain by being mindful, and I hope I can learn from this. For me, watching a close friend in pain, made me think of the cute kids I saw in Cambodia with limbs missing. And of the pain they had to endure now referencing my friend, it became all too real. It brought home the realization of the magnitude of pain the land mine victims endure and most without any drugs or immediate help. Please help continue to help the campaign for removal of those devices and the ceasing of them being used ever again.

Walk and Chew the Fat

Signing up for a photoshop class at my local JC was not the brightest idea I ever had. Not only was it overbooked, and I have no computer only because someone changed the schedule to a different set of days. I walked into chaos with a multitude of tests and handouts to a really mixed group of folks….on the second day. It was not my fault, I was given and signed for the class with wrong information. I am very thankful that I meditate because the shear confusion in the huge class was almost too much with my brain injury. I managed to keep calm but after two hours we took a break before the next class where I could drop in to get up to speed, I called my sister. She could immediately tell the toll in took on me by my speech on the phone, we ended quickly and she texted, “it’s is not worth it if it effects your health.” But in the second class it had calmed down enough to talk to a self-taught whiz kid who impressed both me and the teacher. I thought I will give it one more day, next week and determine if this is right for me. It was clearly a sign of how bad the brain injury is, and how I work around it. Any place where there is too much feedback or crowds I am almost unable to speak….you talk about walking and chewing gum. Well, I cannot walk and talk in most cases, I have to stop and engage. Although, I can do Pali chants while walking, because it is not an exchange with another person. Spontaneous speech is probably the hardest for me, it takes twice the mind power, which is twice as much I have!

Bhutto - Benazir Bhutto documentary featured at Sundance festival

An Interesting historical documentary about Benazir Bhutto. It seems as though the US backed the wrong side. But you know corruption is everywhere....even here.

That Certain Pull

Every once in awhile, even among difficult days or meditations, I will have the profound realization that this path is really bringing peace to my life and the importance of it. It is not like I become more zealous, but I do let more and more things go that are not helping me continue on the path. The natural ones are part of the 5 precepts, but also silly TV that would keep me from meditating. So the TV is gone, last year….and I am less tempted to rent films to watch since with it went the DVD player. I am not finding it more boring, instead like an easy way to lead me to the cushion on regular basis. Sure, I still go see a few great films, and I am less likely to see an ok film just to pass time with friends. And with this 100 days of mindfulness, I am trying very hard to watch amy negative speech and with others that engage, I don’t join them ...instead be quiet or change to something more positive.

So yesterday, after a great day I went to my neighborhood sit with a “happy mind” yet found my body to be uncooperative, nagging at me…maybe since I walked there. Never-the-less, I found humor in my expectations to have a “happy sit.” I did not beat myself up over even going, nor keep adjusting my posture….I just watched how this ‘new mood” flowed into me without a formal invitation!