Time for Reflection

"All that is subject to arising is subject to ceasing." Buddha

If there is one thing that could help you in life... it is this realization. I am working on it.

No Worries

My partner bought a jasmine flower wreath for the Buddha that was given me by a monk a month ago. With our room smelling like fragrant jasmine we went to sleep, and I dreamt I became a monk. It has been in the back of my mind as worthwhile way to end your life.
So today, with the dream still alive, so I went to temple and did a prayer and sat for 1/2 an hour that had string tied from every Buddha to web hanging in the room. I think this is consecrated string from the eye opening ritual of a new Buddha image. Some joker would call it Wat Silly String. Then after I bought two more Buddha amulets from a monk out in front of this same temple. On the way there I was approached by two black men from Liberia, and being in an open-hearted frame of mind we chatted for awhile and exchanged numbers to meet a couple of days later. But as the day wore on, it seemed in my mind the real life spam characters who just happened to meet me, a single man with ipod on. It began to smell fishy, and two phone calls later plus a text message, I think they thought they had found a ‘mark.’ Count me out.
Venturing on, to get amulets in cases I ran into a street seller who spoke enough English to engage into an hour-long conversation about my Buddhist temple and practice. I also had with me Buddhist teachings by Luang Por Liem Thitadammo called “No Worries.” We talked about the importance of Dhamma and meditation to find the peace of mind to self-examine our actions. It was a good talk, with the two of us agreeing about everything. We parted when he had to pack up his wares for the day. I went by the river to have coffee and wait for the sun to go down some more so I could shoot at the golden hour. While walking down I ran into a Check tourist looking for the boat to take him back to his hotel area and walked him to the port and pointed out the boat to get on once it had arrived. Then killing time talking a hard sell boat trip man while waiting for the light to be just right for what really is a typical shot of Wat Arun.

Pure Rainbow

I traveled up the Chao Phraya river, while reading The Four Nobel Truths, written by a monk that I found in the free books pile in my lobby appearing new that day. It was actually great to read Dhamma written by a new person, and see what examples he used to make his points. It doesn’t matter how many times I read Buddha’s teachings, that I don't find several applications in my life. It was concise but not dry, reminding me to continue on the path. The journey took about a hour, because they did not have an express boat that day. My intent was to find the kids I took photos of and give them copies. This was the second trip I have made with this intention. I knew where their school was, and I walked by it going to the nearby Wat park to continue to photograph. Then around 4:30 I started to walk from the park through the small town deciding I would not ask the kids playing at the school if they know my photos subjects. As I walked down a narrow soi, out popped on of the kids, smiling and yelling, “Hey, Farang!” It was Ton pictured here, and quickly three more of my subjects came running out of their homes. Within minutes I gave all the copies away as it started to rain and I ran back to the river crossing ferry to catch my boat going back south. As I paid my fare, soaked by the warm rain this rainbow appeared. It was full and from my vantage point running to the port it looked like it encompassed the port terminal with a crowd waiting out the rain.

Joke Out of It

With this day to day existence here, I am enjoying my time with my partner. Each time I come here, I assess whether this is a place where I can live. We both have long-range plans together, if not here than in another country we like. We have the time on our side while he’s busy finishing college. Sure, I know that problems follow you and new one suddenly appear. New surroundings just make them a little less until you settle down. I have a firm relationship, to fall back on, but we don’t need any more unseen problems disturbing it. Sometimes our different natures can be a head butting point, but we quickly come back to our love. That is natural with our extrovert and introvert personalities. We both like to joke, so we use that when the other partner is upset.
Lately my partner’s work has been jerking him around, again. They gave him a new position, but now they want to change back to the old one. I have seen what the long hours, and the factory mismanagement does to him. So I proposed to him to be firm and if things don’t work well, quit and I will support you until university ends at the end of the year.
Meanwhile, I am getting very familiar with our daily ritual. We do enjoy a lot of the same foods, some that most Americans would shy from. Our typical dinner is tuna, boiled vegetables, nham pik, and pla nin. I can eat better here for less money than at home.

A Visa Run

Went this week on a Visa run to the border of Cambodia. With a van full of various foreigners, who were pretty quiet. Except when a few people told the driver we would like to return in one piece. He was driving crazy. Not just fast but driving right up within 3 ft of the vehicle ahead of us then whipping out to pass…welcome to the third world! Anyway, I made conversation with an older Vietnamese man, as the young guys from US were not talking. He is a Dr who escaped the Vietnam war by going to Paris to study in 1960 and staying and not returning. After time he and his wife bought a cheap hotel there. Then later moved to Australia, where he said that like a 1/3 don’t work and it is a rich country. He has since retired in Bangkok and has a condo here, yet his wife remains in Paris taking care of the hotel. Once we arrived at the border, we waited for the paperwork to be done. Walking to the Cambodian side and bought fruit candy for the beggar kids hanging an driving into the creek at the border. Figuring that would be better than giving them each a Baht. They surrounded me, some getting grabby. So when they did, I would stop giving them away until they calmed down. So I could make sure each kid got some. I know that they will beg and it hasn’t changed on bit in the two years since I was last there. They did come across the border, and thanked me for the treats, as no other person paid any attention to them.
The way back went fast, The Dr. and I talked about his friends here in Bangkok and Buddhism.

Pancake Fun and Ferry Evening

Rain Drops Will Soon be Falling on my Head

Let me show you easy it is to throw a net!










Our sponsor, the wisdom teachings of Buddha.

I walked to the park near Wat Chalerm Phrakiet callled Chalerm Kanchanapisek Park to read and explore. Then seeing a huge storm heading my way started to walk back but made it only to the Wat. Once it rains and you are stuck under shelter have nothing to do. It is funny how it makes you think about your life, what you like and dream for.... a little bit of introspection. Sure, I am thinking gay people like me can get married now in California, but without the federal laws being changed my partner and I will have to keep Thailand as our home instead of US.

Letting Things Flow

I traveled by boat up the Chao Phraya river to find a temple up just north of Nonthaburi last Friday. In the walk to the temple I ran into some boys who more than happy to pose for the camera, and I just showed them the results that set them off laughing. When I was done I continued to walk to the temple along elevated walkways because it was on the edge of the river. Three different boys came up behind me and offered me their bike to ride to the Wat Charlerm Phrakiet with their lead. We tried all three to find one that would take me and my long legs. We ride to the Wat and the park, and past their school all with them pointing out everything proudly. When we got to the Wat park, I bought them fish food, and one boy was happy to show off the fact that he could just grab the catfish right out the water. They were almost as big as he was, so when they flipped he could not hold on to it.


I took some more photos as the sun set, and of the boys. All with the idea I would return with copies to give them, after they asked me when I was going to come back. I went back on Monday, while they were at school so while waiting I saw a vendor in the park who made cool drawings with two colors of pancake batter and had him make a couple to give to small kids waiting with their parents for their siblings to get out of school. This vendor would ‘draw’ with chocolate batter and then let it cook, and then fill in with plain batter. I am always taken by an artist who works in whatever medium, and this one piece of art tasted great. Just before the dark clouds dumped the sky on us, I went into the temple to hear the monks start their evenings prayers.












Then I got stuck under
shelter waiting for the
rain to quiet down
missing the boys to
give them their photos,
so I have to return again.

A New Temple

I was out shooting a Chinese cemetery that I saw from the skytrain. It was full of dogs, and desecrated tombs, I guess, by people looking for something to sell. Thai’s usually cremate their dead, and I want this to be done to me too, after medical science gets their hands on me. It would be interesting for neuro-science to see how the brain rewires after my bi-lateral strokes(see first entry). Back to the cemetery…. Lalala. It always makes me more aware of my death and the need to make the best out of life. The following day I went to Chinatown here in Bangkok to Wat Traimit that houses the golden Buddha in a very mundane temple. I have been there several times, and I wanted to see the progress on the new temple. It’s a 13th century Buddha that is solid gold that was covered in limestone plaster to keep it safe from Burmese invaders.
Later a monk saw a glint of yellow after it slipped from the crane when being moved to a new location. Fast forward to today, with my passing in my head I decided it would be good to give to the new temple fund in my partners name. It started to rain fiercely, so I hung out in at the temple office, and spoke to the head monk and a Thai doctor who came to donate much more.


I am hoping that the new temple might inspire one new person to read Dharma. I am sad I will miss the moving of it to the new temple this September. A great photo opportunity plus an important event on a temple dedicated to the King’s 80th birthday.

Intentions and Fun Misdirections

It is funny when you have an intention, and the day turns out differently than you imagined. It was a gloomy rainy day, and I went out to photograph. I usually let the day enfold and see where it takes me while my partner works. I took the express boat on the river and went to a new stop to explore, and ran into a father picking up his sons at school. He took us to the temple I have been before, and we took the opportunity to feed the fish. I bought the two little boys fish food, but the aggressive pigeons scared them. I don’t blame them because even kicking them did not keep hem away from the food. I was trying to photograph a temple at night later, but knew the light was terrible so I made the trip back home to get dinner for my partner. So we could have a nice evening together.

Dreams and Worries, Lucky Mak Mak

I have been trying as much as possible to get out of myself. You know the worry, the self-obsessed concern for ourselves? I spent Saturday doing things for others, going to lunch with my partner at one of his favorite places, buying him a better made shoulder bag for school knowing his last one fell apart in a year. While out and about we discussed his yearning for graduate school after he completes his bachelor’s degree at the end of this year. It was great to see him so enthusiastic, regardless of how hard these past two years have been with his crazy work schedule. Later in the day we in a joking mood and it carried for the afternoon during which I had some coffee while he had a shake. We returned to our place and knowing he was spent for the day, I left him to sleep and took off to shoot at night in Chinatown alone. I spent at least 5 hours shooting and walking, as it is hard to compose and focus when so much is interesting. If I can get 3 or 4 good photographs I feel accomplished. Towards the end of my shooting, I came upon a late night street sellers and food vendors, and found a great hand painted mug for my Buddhist teacher. Several times people would either shoe me away, or be curious and come watch me set-up and watch me shoot or offer to be in the shot. When I was feeling like my coffee from earlier was all spent, I grabbed a taxi back, to my awakened, smiling partner making sure I was ok.

That night I dreamt about an old friend who had come back to me after drinking poison in France to end his life to stay with me at my house, a true story. He has long since passed away, and it became more obvious why he came back to stay with me. In my dreams I looked at his life and loves, his parents never really loved him and nor his lovers . He was still bleeding out of mouth from the poison wounds when I saw him, and that I had to buy pillow covers special for his stay. His return was to the only love he once had, when we were together 10 years earlier even though he ended it abruptly back then. Now I realize you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves, and feel very fortunate to be with someone now who does with an eye on the future.

Where is Buddha?

I have seen my partner work hard jobs for seven years and he is in the last two terms of college. His employer is based in Europe, but here in Thailand has been working him insane hours for next to no money. It would be fine if it only a month but this has been going on a year... 14-15 hours a day! The company has hired many people and they all quit. The factory can’t produce orders on time and my partner gets it from the boss in Singapore and the clients here in Thailand. I saw on email from his boss and I was floored knowing how good a worker he is. I have told him to quit, but he was hoping to get three years under his belt before quitting when he graduates. At this rate it has taken a toll on his studies and life. As his partner I cannot see him go on any longer, when he is not happy…regardless if this costs me until he finds a new job. I asked him to resign for his mental health and because this same thing happened to me when I was his age! Funny, history repeats itself…only this time I will try to make the pain less. Now, for a good short resignation letter!

Sleeping Cart

Is it true where you live? Not where I am from… strangers often talk, even in casual conver-sation. It is more rare here, but when I go out shooting at night people often are very curious and want to see the results. I have in all my visits begun to notice the destruction of old Bangkok historical buildings. The Thais embrace new things and value them more than old. This translates to 10 –15 year old condos just falling apart, with no viable maintenance done ever including paint. It would be a scary investment in them knowing that would fall apart fast, with no board to watch or care. So I like the old style buildings, whether Thai or colonial style. So I was out shooting them at night when the mystery is highlighted, the cool air refreshing and the cart vendors sleeping.

Patience in Hong Kong

I went to Hong Kong with my partner as a gift for him working too hard at his job while completing college. He recently got a new Sony camera, so he was determined to figure it out by shooting himself everywhere there. For me it was bit too much, but with my Buddhist teachings if it makes him happy then I kept my mouth shut. I found hard with my own ego wanting to do other things at the same time, but once I let go of what I wanted it became much easier. Plus in the middle of the trip my camera fell off a hook in a bag, and crashed to the ground. The shutter stopped working, and so I shelved my ideas of photographing here after the first 24 hours.. I did not want to rush out a buy a new camera in a rush, plus I could use my partner’s in between. I am trying to get in fixed by tech wiz kids in Bangkok, because it is now an old model so if they wreck it, so who cares. New cameras like computers are outdated as soon as they come out. I did enjoy HK again as it our second time and even with rain that made shooting difficult. At least was cool. I worked on being cool headed at the same time, so like anything it was a work in progress. I just kept imagining the fact that if I let anything bother me I could easily make the trip miserable. So we kept rushing around at a non-stop pace for 4 days, even in the rain. We found a cheap guesthouse frequented by Africans who buy clothes to sell back home that was central, Ate lots of reasonably priced noodles with duck, because we can eat almost anywhere. We managed a ferry to Macau on the only hot day, so it was like dusty Portugal with some Chinese spice. That day I told my partner just imagine you are in Portugal, because for now that is the closest you have come.

On the way back I helped an African load huge clothes bags on the airport bus, and it turned out he was on the same flight we were on. We talked while waiting in check-in line. He asked to use our baggage allowance for his bags, but I said we had one bag each ourselves and it said on the monitor…ONE BAG PER PERSON. I did not want this trip to land us in Thai jail! So, on the plane back, we agreed this trip went too fast, and where is our next one? We got a handful of great night shots, and I helped my partner to learn his camera more. These shots are from my old camera now out for repair.

Happy Bunny Protector

I feel I have settled down here in Bangkok, which is a good sign. Today, I caught a motorcycle taxi to the BTS and got rained on. I just laughed all the way there, then got on the cold monorail which took me to another part of the city dry and void of any moisture. I was on the hunt for interesting shots, but now a wet mess in the tropical sun. Pulling out my face mask because I so near the traffic and fumes. That combined with my 70 SPF on my skin I felt like a modern warrior ready for battle. I went to a temple near the river, but wearing shorts I knew it was improper to go inside. I was outside photographing a hindu shrine and spirit house when I met a monk. Surprised that I was Buddhist, we talked and then he was convinced I am really a monk in regular clothes. When I said I would like to meditate, he unlocked the gates and led me to above the monks living quarters to where they hold dharma talks for monks and people. The room had inlaid pearl chairs and smaller Buddhas. He opened the windows and turned on a fan. I prostrated first to Buddha, and then sitting on my knees with feet facing away I meditated for an hour, while the monk was busy on the phone. He does all the electrical for the nearby temple. We talked about what he does everyday, which includes singing Pali chants to Buddha 1 hour a day but rarely includes any meditation.
We exchanged numbers and he gave a wax Buddha as a gift, proud to meet a foreign Buddhist. I continued my path through odd streets running into a huge sea of uniformed kids just getting out of school. At least they are far more reserved than U.S. kids, and it was a big school. Since I was close to the river, I took a boat north, then walked to the klong boat which would loop me to the BTS. A long day and when I arrived back at home, I sat and looked the city view. I can see the freeway I took many years ago to leave a tearful partner here the first time we met. I remember the shock, hurt and confusion having to leave someone I loved. I felt so content tonight, knowing my intuition then was correct and led us to this great path we are on now.

Baby Angel

I watched in horror in the rain yesterday, a brand new Yamaha slide down Phah-onyothin Road in the rain on the oil slick road. The man was not hurt bad, and luckily no cars in front to slide into to. People ran up to help him get the bike up once it stopped its slide, even a woman. That made my day, then walking by my favorite family run food stand where I buy tuna , Green papaya and chilies, dried shrimp mix called som dtum. One day when buying for dinner, because I don’t eat in restaurants, they wanted to sell me tuna boiled and I declined wanted it grilled. The following eve while walking home, I saw they had them all grilled and I looked at their seven year-old son, who smiled knowing it was done for me. I bought 4 fish, with sticky rice. Then I found another vendor who makes delicious steamed fish curry in banana leaf. Finding fruit for dessert, green tangerines, rose apple and papaya, which I love.
I know that fortune telling is a very important part of Asia, and I watched a special about reed fortune telling in Tamil Nadu, India. They can actually read in them the name of your spouse, and your kids. And you thought no one knew in advance. Well, someone does! It seems like most people use them to refigure a positive outlook in their life. Propelling them to success they did not have with a changed mind. It reminded me about that fact my own problems are mostly in how I think.

As the Spirit Flies

In Asia now, trying to find myself while my partner is working. I had some routine health care done here at a hospital saving me $1000 off of US prices. And I have health care. It was good news on that front, but deep down I knew this was the case. Meanwhile, I feel like I am juggling. Getting up when my partner does at 6 am so we can say a proper good-bye instead of a grunt and then staying up with him until midnight or later. In the middle I am running around, shooting photos and going to temples. I was thinking… that since I know little Thai, and with my injury that makes it almost impossible to repeat tones….this only further alienates me from the world here. I’m a man who is forced to deal with things in my head, because most other people can discuss with friends or even strangers. Sometimes I hit a Thai word on the mark, but a second later it will sound totally off. But this all is a way to remember to work on patience. Tonight, I came back to the condo to swam laps in the pool, then mediated in the warm early evening breeze.

Mean Green

Sorry about hiatus, I had to research and deal with health issues. It all came out fine, but I had to spend $1000 (with healthcare) by seeing various doctors. It really helps to know about your health before you see a Doctor, because they don’t have much time to discuss. Knowledge is power and I am right there. In the middle of my research, I got my vaccines updated for an upcoming trip to Thailand and upkeep on my “old soul.” I kept busy with a little bit of everything, work, seeing friends and making new ones. It is work to keep fit, especially with strokes but is my soul source of “medicine” besides meditation as I take no prescriptions. Today on BBC, I read about a man who grew a new finger, with new extra cellular matrix. Who knows maybe they can figure out how I can regrow my brain where it is damaged and feeling will return. This next month I will spend with my partner, and he will be working, so I will have time to shoot when we are not together. Hopefully, I will share some of them here.

Venturing Out

I quickly took off to gather some family history over the last couple of weeks when a friend said he drive with me. It is not planned, and it made for a mini-adventure when you pack and get ready in less than an hour, and end up away for two weeks. It also gave me the chance to work on trying to not being attached to any one thing or outcome. I connected with family and friends and even got some work in the process. I came back and found some music that I liked, One that is a fun old 30’s French music by Charles Trenet that has just been remastered, and the other much more melancholy by Bliss. Maybe sad to some but it helps me discover what drives me. I can listen to this one night and the next take off on a long bike ride, happy and inspired. This past Saturday, I did spend a day meditating at my temple to help send positive energy to those around me, and hopefully putting out some of the self-cherishing flame inside. I distributed the old history to my siblings that have children because I feel as a gay man family history ends here. Not saddened by this, just matter of fact.

Start Small

Well, they have found that rats laugh when you tickle them or when they wrestle with each other. It is a high pitch sound that takes a special bat listening device to translate the sound into one we as human can hear. All this is on radiolab.org. So that throws all our ideas out about a being a more evolved species, because we can laugh. Closer to god, I think not! I hope this will propel more people into caring a little bit more about our environment and all the animals included. You might not like rats, just as much as I don’t like sweaty football payers but that doesn’t mean you or I have to kill all of them. They deserve as much right to be on this planet as you and I. Consequently, there is so much in our world we find displeasure in and yet we try to destroy it or get angry at it. It is so foolish and is they cause of our wars and violence that permeates our everyday life. It can be as simple as changing how we perceive the upset of not getting that parking space someone just beat us to. We have a much bigger world and much bigger problems that need to be looked a much simpler and easier to understand approach way first and then work bigger. Start small like killing rats or that to die for parking space and we can change the big problems we really do face in life.

Missing Green?

Few things are as great as when a friend or family member say they miss you. That gives you something concrete to hold to in your mind. Not that my value is solely determined by someone wanting me. I still am needed to help others in any way I can. I heard a Buddhist teaching on pride and reflected on how we often regard ourselves as being more clever than others. This only helps to further divide us and others and ultimately leads to less compassion. Of course, at first I thought I was not full of pride. But upon closer inspection and the more in depth the teaching was, I found I do have pride. So it is something more to work on …on my path. One good quote that will stick with me, “Nothing ever positive comes from dwelling on our own good qualities and others’ faults.

Not a Drunken Buddha

I have been shooting more with hopes of learning more while I am short of work. When I shoot something when I find it interesting, sometimes things I don’t really fancy I try to find the beauty. I want to take this over to my own life, as there are things that happen way beyond your control and you have to make the best of them. If you are wise you make do, and try not to dwell on the bad by making the positive shine greater. We do have the freedom to change how we see things, perhaps as a stepping stone, or even a learning experience. I do wish I had the financial freedom to help others more than I do. I have been thinking about how I might help young gays develop more positive attitude of themselves instead of getting into risky sexual behavior to find love. If one learns to love themself, they are less likely to make bad decisions. I do have both real good and bad decisions in my past to share with them, now it is just a matter of how to communicate with a disabled voice. I did help college age “kids” back before my injury with small controlled events to discuss the risk of AIDS. But now, will they listen? Or just focus on my weird speech? Meanwhile, I help people at the hospital. So I am not all talk.

Photo Nostalgia

I know that my old photographs of people, especially my friends and ex-lovers are stored in boxes. The idea, I guess, was to save them for when I am old so I could look at them and stroke those memories. It is coming to my mind that it would be more realistic to give them to the people who are in them. I have done that with one friend. Holding on to them does not give me any more spiritual connection to them. But, deep down maybe that is why I still hold to them? Even if they are still my friends, they are not same person when the photo was taken. Nor am I. It would free me from holding on to the past and make some moves I need to.

Waiting for Sunset

I have been reflective, cleaning my house to new music I bought. In addition helping at my temple, and painting for them. I got to brighten up the entry, using colors I found on one of our Buddhist books. This helps to keep the look consistent and upbeat. I have managed also to meditate and see friends and exercise. I am trying to plan a trip that will give more to write about and to photograph. I often hear similar Buddhist teachings over the years, and most often I take something new out of every one. I really enjoy when I hear someone say to our teacher that this lesson was just made for them at this moment. Meaning that it rang true, and helped them cope in a difficult time. When I see them deep in conversation I brought them both tea, and made myself scarce.
Meanwhile, I have to keep my cool during the election cycle and praying for a good change. Involved enough to help, but not so much to lessen my anger quotient. My windows have Obama posters on them, in the hope that some real change is happening after 8 years of Bush lies.

Fixing Things

I had friends over for dinner Friday, and I just sat back and let them talk, as it so difficult for me. They were both very entertaining, so it was easy to sit back and cook and make this happen. I like to get two friends from different circles to meet, as it is a reflection of my diversity. The following day, I drove to the beach to cliff overlooking it to meditate for two hours. It was a beautiful calm day, so it was not too cold. I would break every so often to drink tea. In the middle of one meditation a furry puppy just jumped into my lap content knowing I was so peaceful. I was not shocked or surprised, I opened my eyes to his female owner yelling, “NO!” I opened my eyes and said, “he is just a puppy and yet he knows I won’t hurt him, give him a break.” He stayed around, making sure he was safely under my arm. When the owner relaxed, then the puppy left easily. When I was done with my two hours, I felt so much more relaxed. I have quite a few things on my mind, and they were just released from the worry mode. I was lucky enough to have friend over that night for dinner, and he was so kind as to show some techniques to photoshop my photos to look as good as they do on the camera. The sky on this shot was this spectacular that night, just before a cold front came in.

Bridge to Nowhere

Now that I am well, I forgot how great health is! I finally saw the film, The Lives of Others and found it brilliant. The Actor, Ulrich Mühe who’s life mirrored the story has since died of cancer. I can’t think of a better way to end your life after such a great performance. So, I reluctantly had to let an acquaintance/friend go after years of watching him repeat the same mistakes. I know I should be more forgiving, but with all his years of therapy he goes home and returns to square one. I told him that I will pullback until he makes a mature change in his life…even if it means just awareness. I have tried to lead him by the hand to show him the many ways I have found to change my life, but when he says that only I can change, because that how I am. I have often told him, I don’t share with him my bad days, or the days where it takes every ounce of me to get up and try again. Sadly, I can’t continue a friendship, when it doesn’t mature like life. I do wish him well, and will help when he ready to change as I have not abandoned him. Sometimes, life happens at its own rate, so you just have to stand back and watch. I really think there are more people I can inspire or help in the meantime. Recently, I took an older lady to coffee as a treat, and ended up fixing things in her home she needed done for a low price the same day.

Personality Test

I think our personality is based on all the relationships we have in our life in the past. So I am guessing that it is probably important to surround yourself, from now on, with people who treat you with respect and you can learn from. Now that does not mean people you can get something from; that would be twisting my idea. I think back at several people that keep on inspiring me who have played important roles in my life. They also make it known that they care for me, by either actions or words. They also throw some humor in my life, sprinkled with love. So now, I have to work on doing the same for others hopefully. I also am reminded of people that have played a negative impact on me in the past. They, in turn, made my personality a thing to work on…once I realized how it affected my relationships. At least I had the sense to appreciate where I have come from and where I am going. This post is dedicated to the Boy Scout, Mohammed Jaisham Ibrahim in Maldives who used his good instinct to save the President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom's life in a knife attack. There is good resting in everyone’s soul. Use your instinct.

Diving Out of the Hospital

I am still fighting bronchitis I got at the Vipassana and now I am convinced I am aspirating at night. This will make it nearly impossible to heal unless I get some powerful anti-biotics, because the one I am taking is not doing it. Meanwhile I am light-headed and today after seeing the film "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly", I nearly fell down while walking down stairs. I am losing my balance with the congestion and even though taking a decongestant it just doesn’t seem to be working. I have been wanting to see that film since I heard it was being made, as it, in some ways parallels my life. The big difference is I was able to far surpass my original diagnosis of not being able to ever walk, talk, eat or communicate. I was far luckier than he(Bauby) was, and my brain stem injury healed way quicker than anyone imagined. I do have to thank those around me. My Mom saving from a tracheotomy, and my brother being smart enough to get me paper and a pencil and later a walkman. I remember with no voice, full of tubes and eager young MD’s coming into the room and saving they just have to do this one small cut and it will heal and can be reversed. I was shocked, because I thought the trama was over with the damn stomach tube which was no piece of cake. Back to the film, it is interesting how the human body/mind can compensate if you just let go of outcome. He slowly enjoys the subtle beauty of life seen through one eye, and communicates his rebirth through a book about it dictated to his secretary. There are some great moments that remind me of my own hospitalization, and the awkwardness of other people trying to talk down to you. His memory and imagination bloom when he finally accepts his fate. Allowing him to imagine what he wants, sometimes a great meal, in near perfect play like reality. I almost forgot my 6 months of drooling until I saw this film reminding me of my dignity being compromised way back then. I remember a Dr. chastising me for drooling all through the neuro rehab, so I just hoppled out the door outside. I laid myself outside in the sunny grass, listening to Meshell Ndegeocello wondering into dream space in a nap escaping my hospital confinement. Go see this film, because it really heralds what is good about life, before the hospital staff finds you.

The Silent Treatment pt. 2

On the fourth day is when the deep surgery into your body happens while meditating on equalizing the painful areas with the plain areas, just observing. We were told to start at the head and going down slowly to the feet and back up. I’d find that the painful areas when scanned hurt, and once you are past scanning those, the pain goes away. For sure this is difficult mental work maintaining in meditative state, all while being in pain. But when doing it, you learn things about your body you never knew. I found that I got feedback, although not as strong, from my left numb side. I felt nerve connections happen at the skin surface level like mini lighting bolts. I could sense the blood flowing with every heartbeat through each limb to the end. Even as small to the capillary level as they would swell. It made me want to scream like Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein, “IT’S ALIVE!” All these new different sensations made the pain work easier. Plus a little humor never hurt. I did find it easier to scan my body from head to feet and back simultaneously left and right, which was introduced from a teaching on the fifth day.
It was that night when I returned to bed, I felt that my head was burnt. I thought it was from the hot shower as I took, but later realized it was when I was attacked by the virus. So the days kept on this same idea, and time seemed slow and fast. Slow when you meditating, and you are inching for it to be over, and fast when you are listening to the evening summary and dharma talks. These were very good and even funny at times, so I looked forward to them. Most breaks were a walk outside to stretch, all men together acting like they are alone, withdrawn inside. I found this interesting to be close to straight men while meditating, eating, and in breaks. It allowed me to me to see they suffer as much as us gay men…..surprise, surprise! I did see a friend from my temple, and we would occasionally crack a smile against all rules at the intensity or absurdness of this all. Neither of us knew the other would be there. When I left, I left him my cushion and a promise to talk about the experience after he returns. I would avoid any eye contact more with him, so we would not bust up in the typical funeral parlor way in the midst of such serious participants. I know that the more you withdraw inwards, and maintain noble silence the more work you get done and maintain heightened sensitivity.
All the while, I am thinking that I have already had a very unique near death experience that I can guess most others had not had. There was one man in wheelchair, and every time I saw I him, I kept reminding myself how lucky I am. I was taken by this lonely punk with a blanket who refuses all cushions and sits down on the cold floor with bare feet. I just imagined a proud person in search of love of himself, and I found him an interesting character. One day, when it was sunny, I saw him asleep in the grass curled into his blanket and was pissed I did not have my camera. The sixth night I saw him staring into the forest in the cold rainy night near his cabin. The following day he was gone like a dream. He allowed me to spin a few tales in my head of what he is all about against all rules.
Then things got harder and harder from the sixth night on, with a fever and knowing I had no hot tea in my cabin. Walking back after lunch to my cabin drinking ginger tea mixed cayenne and honey, halfway back, I was done with it and just sighed. I knew that this virus had got me and was creeping quite heavily into my body. One guy who had always carried a thermos, wrote a quick note to me and gave it to as I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Surprised when he gave it to me because it is against all rules. It said, “I have a hot water kettle in my dorm always on and you are welcome to use it. Forgive the intrusion. I saw you carrying the empty mug, so sad.” I said, “Cool!”, my face brightened and concluded with “Namaste.” Then I thought, that I could not really ever walk into his dorm, as it would show some communication going on and we get caught. Honestly, seeing him I would show signs of gratitude like a smile and a slightly red face.

So how do I sum this all up? Working on the cell level to where thoughts and feeling originate and decisions spring out of, is brilliant. Buddha did come up with a real way to work from his own meditation. To have us work on our individually created misery at the root level. I can't believe this survived intact in Burma for 2600 years. I did miss the good final days of fine-tuning, so I have to return for another 10 days. This was, of course, way harder than my hospitalization and even the stomach tube insertion, but I would do it again. Why, you ask? Because it showed me the power of the mind when it’s concentrated. This will provide me with more power in my daily practice of eliminating anger, craving, and aversion. I drove home with a fever, heightened sensitivity to sounds, tastes, and noise. Best of all my 10 yr old shoulder injury which was causing me pain during the work, was freer and pain was gone. This made me think. That we take our personal hurt and pile it on, adding to our actual physical pain. We cause so much of our pain with our mind, the same mind that can get us out of it.