30 August, 2007
Today, I had a couple of weird events happen. One was an acquaintance texting me, and detailing his problems that are reoccurring. At the end of one message he complained and then added don’t tell him to do anything that I find works to quiet the mind like meditation, temple or exercise. I finally had to call him, and just say then what the hell do you want?(A friend brought this to my attention, that doesn't sound like me. It was not what I said, just a shortened version of my point) Condemn my solutions, ignore my common sense ideas I propose every time he whines, then go see professional help or just leave me alone. I can’t offer you comfort that you will never hold on to. Which brings to the conclusion I expounded to him about... is that you will never find happiness outside of yourself. The minute you give over your own power to have happiness to other people or things you will fail to find it. Lovers, friends, money and health cannot be depended on to make one happy. Just look at your past love, and how you once loved them and now at best, they are casual friends. Or a friend in the past that is now an enemy. Every thing in life changes, except for how you think about it.
The other thing that happened was a client who was late to their last minute change appointment. Upon arriving they really don’t have clear idea why they called me or what they want to do. Nor did they want to pay me to dig it out. I left befuddled but not upset, stopping by the park to pick berries and then go home for a nap.
29 August, 2007
Back after a quick trip to take care of family when my sister needed with her son, when his school and her work schedule did not jive. It gave me a chance to build up a bond with him over the week-long time I had alone with him. We did a lot of different things from riding on go-carts one day to going to a science museum another day to diving for shells other days. I rode with him on this all day pass on the rollercoaster, doing it because it was what he wanted to do. It was something I always dreamed of doing as a child. I managed 42 times on it, before chilling out when he found a young friend to ride with. This allowed him the independence. A great trip to show you how important family is and how children overlook a disability when they know where your heart is.
I had returned to the place I spent many years as a kid, and came away very satisfied with my current choice of home. Sure there was a lot of memories good and bad there and I would often slip into them because they were so distant from where I am now both mentally and physically.
13 August, 2007
I have always found that seeing things not as black and white helps to make us more understanding. If you are able to see the gray areas then you are able to compromise more often. Of course this comes against the American sense of being right all the time. Today, my client saw something she liked better than my proposal, so I reluctantly incorporated my idea with it. I am against it, but it is not worth the discussion why my ideas are better. Instead, making them happy will serve both of us better in the long run. Sure, it makes me wonder why hire a professional, and then not take his or her thought out concept But who am I? Now you can take this idea into everyday life, when you come up against conflict with people and friends. Try to see it in shades of gray that can be interpreted a wide variety of ways, and look towards final outcome that is amicable. What a great beautiful day, and here I am with a B&W shot. I am in a great mood and will show you all some color, soon!
12 August, 2007
The road of life is beautiful but filled with many hazards. One of which can be the relationships with friends and others. We can make a mistake whether it was intentional or not and still pay the price regardless. So meeting for my latest job now this afternoon, I was aware of everything I did and said. Making my client comfortable with who I am and how I got here. Without this they can't imagine an accomplished disabled person. This helps tremendously because it gives them a sense of the hard road I traveled, and makes them feel included it what would normally be a secret. Believe it or not explaining this makes them relax, because the unasked questions are answered. I have noticed that they feel more like family when included, and less like looking at a car wreck on the side of the road!
10 August, 2007
Well, I got the commercial job, and it is working with nice people. It will provide me with an important piece for my book. I am excited about making the building handsome and inviting because it is in a famous area. It also has ‘great bones’ like my mom used to say to me when looking for a mate or for that matter a house. Speaking of mate, I got to chat with my partner when he got his college grades and it was another bonding moment. Sadly his misses me, but this is one of the many facts of being gay with no rights. We, at least, don’t let this stop us, even after 6 years with our long range plan of uniting permanently when he graduates from college. After a long day with two clients and an early meeting planned tomorrow, it looks like I have a full weekend making the world a “purdee” place. At least this makes others and me happy. Warming up the magical wand!
09 August, 2007
I started out this day wanting to write about my feelings on some news. I was reading BBC, and next thing I know I am running off to meet a client and now have just settled down after dinner. In between, I saw my current client at the project, went shopping for food, and then back to complete some computer work on her job. My current client asked me how work is coming in, and I told her that I am patiently waiting for her referral, jokingly. Would you believe it as soon as I got home before meeting her again, I nabbed another commercial client? Meaning it was in the air, and I wonder if it because of her intuition. Our intuition is still a very important sense that we often ignore in the face of hard facts. These same hard facts would be softer if we had listened to our intuition. I know there are several times I chose to ignore and paid the consequences which I have spoke about before in this blog.
Well, here is my news item, we are still finding our ancient history in this world, but quickly destroying this same world. In one week they have discovered 11 million year old trees in Hungary and a statue of a Roman 1st century emperor in marble in Turkey. While we keep pumping out pollution to make sure we everything we could possibly want in life. Do you think we can just remember to carry our own cloth bags when we shop? It would be a start, in allowing our children to continue the discovery of our amazing world.
08 August, 2007
I have been accompanying my friend while he shows another out-of-towner our city and area. In an effort to show the best, I have been on the lookout for the atmosphere that drew me here. What a great way to look through someone else’s eyes at the beauty we often take for granted. Helping to slow down time much like meditation does. With this, it puts aside the small inconveniences that seem to bother us and take the forefront in life. Finding Darshan Ambient’s music to listen to on long walks that I have done, because I have to do them while I can. I am well aware of how time flies, and the eventuality of our aging. Time is now, right at this very moment to be happy against all odds. Besides, why take the bus when you have good music?
The photo on the bottom does convey well how I have been feeling lately, I am riding the low valleys of life's cycles. But since I take no drugs, this to me is a natural state only to be followed be sunny peaks. Luckily, I have friends around me so I don't have time to be worried about this at all. One trip to volunteer on Monday at the hospital puts life in the proper perspective.
06 August, 2007
There is simple beauty in a lot of things in life. I sometimes take photos of things because of what they remind me of. Maybe a dream, a place I traveled or time spent with a loved one. Besides photos, smells and sounds or music can quickly change everything in our mind. We assemble our memories however we see fit at the moment. Do you remember the first time you smelled the rain on black top and what memories arise? Or that kiss from grandma when you arrived for the holidays? We can instantly create love, pain or disappointment. Sometimes, we find it way easier to assemble negatives, so to counteract this we need to remember that simple beauty….so what do you smell or hear when you see this photo?
05 August, 2007
I have been working with a nice client and with difficult family matters that keep me pretty pre-occupied. It came to me this weekend another example of when people expect you to react like they want you to. It is a pretty clear sign of brain damage if you trouble speaking, right? So one must keep in mind that in other areas you are affected: reading, comprehending, and rational thinking, as well. And with me, it is more pronounced when I don’t get enough sleep. I have to take a day off, every other day. I think that people would rather put this in as a character flaw, than real brain damage because it makes more sense to them as a non-brain injured person. The way I do things now is based on my inability to be understood in most instances. There are times I would rather not speak, because the work involved to make others understand when they don’t want to take the time. A lot of the time I can see on their face they do not want to hear anything from me.
Last night at a party, I was treated to my friend's mother thanking me for a being a positive influence on her son whe he moved here over 20 years ago. She also thanked me for putting him up when his apartment caught fire. It was unexpected, as I have not seen her in quite a few years, so I was speechless in a good way. Later I just stopped trying to talk at all when it became too loud, locking the door to my communication. That is when I left to walk home knowing this for me is a great patience lesson…letting it all go and smiling.
02 August, 2007
When I was a boy, there were certain things in my life which were instrumental in boosting my curiosity of the world. One was meeting a young man of 19 or 20 who was cycling around the world and I talked to him while he stopped at the southern most point of the US. I was there on vacation trying to get away from my parents, and he was planning on getting to South America next. He told me many stories… of difficulties, upcoming journeys and fears. Overall, he inspired me to see more of the world and have a sense of adventure. Later, at 14, I traveled coast to coast by bus with a friend. By 17, I left home to work 2500 miles away to gain my independence. It provided me with confidence by exposing me to even more worldly people. One year later, I lived with a family while I worked with them. They were totally unlike my family, providing me with a contrast. The time there included a long, cold, and snowy winter, when I spent many an evenings talking with them. I even spent quite a few of those evenings, talking to and hearing their son’s ideas about the world. All while he was away from his family. I challenged any small ideas he carried just to make him think. I can only hope with all the time I spent, helped to expose him to the greatness of the world, as the cyclist did for me.
I am hoping the tragic bridge collapse in Minneapolis, might help to bring people here a little more down to earth. We constantly ignore our own booked flight with death, even going as far as hiding this fact in the USA. But it is so freeing and good for the development of our soul. Just a slight shift in our awareness about this will make us better people. We will become a slight bit less critical, more openhearted and thus happier. I am not focusing on the negative, but in turn being more realistic with the hopes that I will mature some with my age. A death here is as important as a death anywhere in the world. Everyone in the world is connected by a common want of happiness and need of others. Awareness is a first step, and with growth we will become more understanding. I have faith…faith in others.
The small things in life are something we quickly miss or forget. The big things are often a result of many small things. With sleep we can go to places we make up, in ways we can never do while we are awake. And while awake we can encounter unique coincidences we could only invent in our dreams. Today, I was listening to RadioLab on Zoos and Alan Rabinowitz was interviewed. He just so happens to be the same person who wrote the book I am currently reading(Beyond the Last Village). Listening to the interview I found out he is a compassionate person. Perhaps, it is because he had trouble talking as a boy, until he was discovered talking to his animals in the dark. He took this further to a career, once he learned to speak to people, working with nature and animals. I did not know this from the book, which I just started, and now it will take on greater meaning. I often wonder that once people who I meet get beyond my voice, does it become a small thing? For me it started me taking a hard look at being more compassionate. It was a weird coincidence that the most difficult thing I could ever dream of, was also the greatest gift I ever received.