Brains, Floods and Books

We went to Wat Pathum Wanaram hosting Buddha’s and other monk’s relics on loan from Sri Lanka. My partner was not being irreverent but he did talk to me about some of them being fossils or in stone form when it is only been 2500 years. One in particular was a small mass of knotted stone that was supposed to be a monk’s brain. He just whispered it takes a lot longer to become a fossil, or to become stone. And he left it at that. One of the many reasons I love him. I did like the fact that the temple had an area to meditate set up and I will return. The rest of the weekend we spend with his friends, who I have known for years, enjoying the storm like ending of both days with a huge lightning and thunder downpours. On Saturday, we had to put up two of his friends stuck here with 2 ft of water flooding the street. I joked we can dive from the balcony. But it was so welcome giving the extreme heat I have seen since I have been here.

At Chatujak market on Sunday looking for a chameleon, had spicy noodles and walked around for two hours, before I left them and bee-lined home to read and relax in AC. I am currently reading, “A Year in Green Tea and Tuk-Tuks” about settling in Sri Lanka to have a organic farm. This is particularly interesting to me as both my partner and myself would like to settle there after visiting there a few times. The author runs Samakanda the bio-diverse idea that brought him to Sri Lanka and inspired this book.

Suffering Without A Camera Battery

There are times when you leave the mind and body connection and today was just one of those days. After taking the boat to the pier close to some temples I wanted to visit, I walked in the hot sun with the brain still ticking, constantly asking ….how will my stay at a temple change me?

I have already met and talked to a couple of people. Yesterday, while waiting to have my hair cut a monk walked in. He was tired from a bus ride back to Bangkok from Chiang Rai. We talked until it was my time for the chair came up and I offered to him. He said, “You go ahead.” A quick buzz later, and before biding good-bye offered to get him something cool, and again he said, “ No, thank you.” This short encounter showed me some of his wisdom and pure heart. He was friendly and interested in me as an equal …albeit suffering person.

Back to today, I walked to Wat Ratchapradit, just in time to sit and watch and pray with the Monks. They do it all in Pali, but the first prayer of refuge is to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha(Buddham saranam gacchami). That I can join in, knowing it in English, but thinking about next month I’m curious how much Pali I will have to learn. It was just me and older folks in a beautiful painted temple. Oh, wait I am old, I'm one of those, sorry I forgot. I watched the monks when they entered and during the prayers, holding hands in prayer for an hour(difficulty), and few times they would glance at the asperas painted on the wall above. It was hot, even with the fans in the temple, and I saw a couple of older people fight sleeping. But extreme peace came over me and made me separate mind and body. I moved with purpose with this calm.


I did not take photos after my battery needing charging from earlier. It was just as well. I think it would have been rude. Just outside I had a talk with a sangha member, who was in a chair because it hurts too much to sit. I sat down and talked to him, peaceful and attentive to his questions. The number one question I get is, You are not Christian???? Once I get past this, it seems to open a door with everyone including my cab driver later. I am a farang in looks only, but we all bleed the same!

Temple Guards

I sometimes put pressure on myself to make the most of any visit, seeing temples I have not seen, and really getting out there in 95+ heat and incredible air pollution. This is after an early wake-up to enjoy coffee with my partner before his work. So, I venture out in fresh clothes, and a location in mind. Hoping to find something that catches my critical eye visually, and challenges me to be a better photographer. An hour into it, and even with 55 spf, and I am looking for the shade, and moving like a wilted flower and looking spent.
Looking around, Thai’s are fanning themselves in the shade, or napping. I half-way wished I were in AC and reading while sipping iced tea…and drifting into a nap.
With all this I am trying to smile, to lighten up my expectations of the location and myself. And yes, my meditation has slacked only because of the new schedule, and fatigue of doing too much. Making it to the temple I wanted to see, only to find out it was closed. Then I retreat to the river, for some breeze and refreshments. It is no wonder that it is just too hot to bother getting angry, and so now I see how “cool heart” was a logical way to deal under these circumstances. Today is Wisakha Puja Day, the sacred occasion of Buddha’s enlightenment or passing into Nibbana. It will make for an interesting day and perhaps a photo opportunity after I make merit.

Going, Going, Gone

I cry for you, Krung Thep. You are making a foolish mistake. I saw this time, the tri-point colonial house off Phet Buri is gone….flattened! It was pinned uncomfortably between ugly apartment houses. Can’t you please rehab them? Impermanence, you say. I have not learned, yet. Next the old firehouse on the river will go. If you have something better I would say fine and let go. But most buildings built here, never last 20 years with the poor maintenance. Now don’t get me started on the teak houses quickly leaving as well. Pssst. I know something hella modern you like so much, like a building made of bricks of IPhones. That kills two birds with one stone, name brand identity and it makes noise.

Finding Peace in Odd Moments

My plane was late taking off so I took the opportunity to meditate in a place away from people and in a corner. About 20 minutes into it(yes, I set my cell alarm for 30 minutes), I was kicked by a woman, who upon opening my eyes was bending down to pet my knee saying, " Sorry, I did not see you!" It was not like I was in high traffic area, and if she did she was walking straight towards a pillar that supports the structure with no possible way to go further unless she planned on jumping through the window. What was amazing, I was really not fazed, nor even expressed any anger, and only a bit surprised, so I just looked at her and said, “Don’t worry, I’m fine and it’s OK”. I continued with my meditation until the gate call. I was able to get a business class seat in my own row, only to be lucky to have a couple with a young son behind my seat, to keep me up the entire 10 hour flight. The child was not abnormally loud for his age, but even so, did not allow me to sleep. The parents apologized, but I found his hide and seek with me charming, far more than annoying. The plane after this, way was worse. I am trying to transform every experience this trip into a pleasant one, knowing trying to control the world, which I finally found out you can’t possibly do. Maybe I am slow learner. Nevertheless, it helped to make for a great three days upon arrival, running on nearly little sleep we packed a weekend with my nephews within two hours of arrival. Everyone knows two seven year olds can wear you out fast, but we still managed to teach them to swim in two days, go to the zoo, and more.

A Heart Appears Before Departure

Faced with an unbelievable amount of things to be done before a trip, I relax after making dinner for a friend. Looking around at piles of things that beg for me to place them in the appropriate places and get them the hell of the way to clean my house. “Because, you knows hows I hate coming home to a dirty house!” Secretly, I placed the piles in such a way to avoid cleaning too fast. Just so I can do it in a rush and forget something only to remember it over the pacific while slugging a glass of champagne. And you would not know it looking at me. I did get my nephews gifts today to pack in my luggage, because we skipped the dad phase in its entirety and I graduated to Grandpa. And you can’t disappoint kids.
I was pleasantly surprised when a friend stopped by with this beautiful ex-voto heart as a gift for me. It most likely was worn on the chest of a clothed saint. We tried to guess which one with the “A” monogram, perhaps El Alma De Maria. No matter who it was, it was a gift from the heart. Suggesting to me once again that Buddhas are everywhere, and I could learn more about giving. I actually feel more humbled. My friend is someone I have learned much from in our years of friendship, and I must never to take his wisdom lightly. Thank You.

If You Don't Believe...

With the lyrics “If you don’t believe all the nights while you are gone, I sighed for ya” going through my head when I went to sleep and jumped into one of my crazy dreams. With a set of pointy ears, I was involved in a strange game in a multi-level house. I got the ears as a gift that I made it past the man upset because I pulled a WWII vintage nickel of his collection of stuff I was sorting for him and put in different box. I was helping to sort through all his stuff to get rid of some and sell some. He thought I should have thrown in with the rest of his junk. I do have the eye, so I only made him more money. He gave the set of pointy Spock ears had gathering dust, so much in fact that were like flocked. I took them away and proceeded to play a game in a huge compted house. By that I mean it was faked, the floors were painted paper stick down and the walls foam core board just like I used create packages before they were signed off on and produced. In this fake house was a boy with me tickled by jumping up and down on the floor where the paper did not stick down well. We were play chasing each other like hide and seek, a favorite children’s game of mine. I had him laughing at my ears, too. I was buzzed from coffee I had, that was dispensed in lip-gloss containers with a flavor like Blueberry Chiapas coffee. That you would make by swirling the applicator saturated when you dipped it into the holder and placing in hot water. This dream goes on and on and may be a sign of intelligent life just waiting for a good idea to emerge. Thanks, Deniece Williams for the inspiration.

Suffering of Others

While at a volunteer luncheon with many people who put far more hours than I do, I was listening to the hospital CEO awarding them. One fellow was his friend and a volunteer for 20 years. I don’t see him in the course of my volunteering, but began to wonder how these two came to be friends. The CEO/Dr is miles away from the volunteer in pay and stature. I also was wondering why his name was the same as the hospital name where my mom had to hire a private nurse to just to make sure I wasn’t inexplicably expired. That brought back a new set of memories. Never the less, when upon completion of the luncheon I ran into the volunteer pro in the washroom. Observing that he had some deficits, my heart suddenly went out to him. I said, Hi and asked him if the CEO was related to the other hospital. He told me they have no connection. In talking it became quickly obvious he is suffering from something, but I don’t sound all that great either. A simple bond. He told me he has early alzheimer's, while walking out. I thanked him for his service in a real show of heart felt appreciation. Spontaneously, I felt compelled to give him a hug, knowing every day must be difficult and trying. And, I felt lucky again, my concerns waned.

Difficulty is mostly a mental experience. If you enjoy what you are doing, even with serious physical ailments subside with the degree of happiness. It falls true with my speech, if I am rested and enjoy the dialogue my speech or helping others it is so much clearer. I look physically well and fit, but once I speak people often assume I am drunk or deaf. So, I have to get past their preconceptions just to order a coffee. It can be frustrating and often friends who are with me cannot believe that I say the right word, but some people can’t figure me out and my friends will blurt out, He said, so and so. This has been a great way to learn patience and acceptance of others, for me. I often laugh at myself, or practice several times before speaking out loud. But basically, we(me included) all say too much as a general rule, so we can’t expect to be great listeners. If you really listen you’ll realize the suffering of others… even in its minor forms of simple discomfort.

Train Market Dedication

My partner and I were chatting, recalling our first meeting, “Do you think that I will be a nice person when we first met? Of course, I said, “Yes!” Our email contact, 8 years ago, while we were both at work for the three months prior to me visiting, I had pretty much come to that decision with great confidence.



I knew that at what he had written to me was truth. I knew about his job, family and life. We had met while I was with friends there, and we planned a trip to the north to see his family. My friends said, “Go, it will be a great experience.”



It was, and was just the beginning. I remember drinking rice wine with his grandfather and later the two us talking about the stars. What I saw and observed was someone who lived his life with honesty and truth. No gaming playing, lying or even being coy.



How refreshing. We had no intention on either one of our parts to be anything more than friends, but a month later we had gradually fallen in love. We both had previous long-term experience, so we knew what we desired in the other. He had met my friends both Thai and American and they too, liked him.



The rest is history, and not without a few difficult times that we crossed with flying colors. In fact, those same difficult times reinforced our love and our heart felt intention. We have rings and much more than that, a commitment that shines brightly when things are tough for either one of us. Last year, we traveled again to where our honeymoon was in 2002, just to reaffirm it. I am a better person from what I have learned from him and it still continues to be fun and growing.



He has picked up enjoying reading from me, and spun it off when he found he liked history besides fiction. We have traveled to a few countries, and want to see many others.



He took these photos of the Train Market for me to put on my blog, hopefully my love of photography has inspired him. This blog is dedicated to him.

Need A Smile?

Why Did I?...an update.

Update on a blog post from late December. I was outside doing some clean up on some trees around my house. The female officer who responded to my call back then, to go back and look at the man I helped home, stopped by and said hello. She told me that they did go back to his apartment and admitted him to the hospital. She could not tell me any other details, because of privacy concerns. But she was able to communicate his well being and my contribution to it. I replied, I am glad and thank you. I knew that night when she came to my house that beneath the hard protective layer there was a heart of gold. Her male partner thought I was crazy, but she intervened and took off to his house after talking to me. There are so many good people in life that we only get a glimpse if we are lucky. That is why it important to not pre-judge others.

In Reflection: Tossing Out Mental Unease

I’m on my 7th month of meditating a minimum of 30 minutes per day, and yesterday did 45 minutes at the gym before yoga. I have been meditating for years, but not as regularly as this in my life. I have moved way past being annoyed by people talking, banging weights, jump roping, etc near me. At first I would hone in on the disturbance, but months into this practice I realized that whatever happened, even mundane gossip near me was not worth my mind going there…it was all empty. I can easily get relaxed after quickly “downloading” any currents fears and worries. And after six months have been able to on many occasions getting to a place where my mind seems like a blank, black canvas seeing the space between thoughts or no thought. It has actually helped me in yoga, to synchronize my breathing in yoga, holding poses with a more relaxed breath. It also can laugh at myself more, and while sitting in front near a mirror laughed at this old guy(me) doing these poses. My mediation practice brought me closer to the others in the room, and allowed me to more connections and friends. I’m more consciously aware of others suffering, even being minor frustrations. In listening to their breathing, or sharing some common bonds with them.

After class, a fellow classmate and I bumped into each other in the locker-room, I joking made it more pronounced, and he turned around and gave me a hug. It was not at all sexual in nature, but much more just a friendly way of saying, You’re OK, and I don’t feel threatened by you. We have talked over the last three years, so we friendly in the gym and share a few friends in class. I do hope that as time goes on, and my practice gets deeper that I connect more with people in such a way. I have had more people come to me, or warm up to me since I have been meditating. A sign that I have reduced my self-concern, and worked out some of my mental unease kinks that would normally have shown up in body language. I become more and more aware of what was once a path to help myself is now allowing me to more beneficial to those around me. By quietly thinking about how I think and react to life, analyzing my mistakes and successes. Lately, what has become more profound is really how can anyone think that no one else suffers? From life’s little inconveniences to the grand question mark of our upcoming death…regardless of how much money they have.

God-Headed Peoples

Like an old faded, square 70’s photograph with the date stamped at the bottom, a difficult childhood memory popped up. It feels just as foggy as that discolored photo because I was so good at filing it away. While watching Jonestown on PBS again last night brought this back. Growing up gay in my time was not really fun, so I began to hone my survivor skills. I did other things, and just ignored it as best as possible. After my horse phase in Junior high, I got a motorcycle at 14, because it was legal to ride under a certain CC size.
That bike gave me even more freedom to get away, than a horse did. I rode around with neighbor friend, but often alone to stare at the clouds and think about how lonely I was, since I could tell anyone what was really bothering me. Even though my friend was experimenting with sex and his friends, I astutely realized that he was not gay, and knowing no love could come out of it. ..only more pain and potential exposure. So I never told him. I did meet a kid who was nice to me, and exposed me to his Christian youth group friends. I met them but avoided any bible study because I knew it only condemned me. I would agree, or just change the subject. I just wasn’t going to drink the kool-aid. One night I drove to his house for a party with his friends. There was a point later in the night, when my friend and I went to his room. He said one girl liked me and what did I think? I think I confessed to him that I like guys, and the night spiraled into hell. He made a scene like I was no friend of his and I left driving home with a red face. This was my first real coming out. I never saw him or his friends again. Now, I can say confidently it was their loss.

Father's Ghost Appears

I was at a friend's house for an impromptu dinner when I surprised them with a bottle of wine. While catching up over a glass of wine, I saw this a hint of my father appearing(like his light series prints). It seems fitting because these friends are similar to friends he had. 

What's Morally Wrong with Homosexuality?

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Blessings from an Inspiration

With a suggestion by a friend from Yoga, I went to go get a blessing from Sri Karunamayi, a female bodhisattva like Amma who builds homes for the poor in India. She was happy and blissful during the prayer and wishes, which kept the morning light. Not that I am a spiritual junky, but when one is the path to enlightenment it is always good to be in the presence of one who gives their whole life for others. If only for an inspiration, but first-hand contact(or first-head contact which is more correct) leads me to let down more of the self-cherishing, I often wrap myself in. I even drank the spiritual milk that flowed which is not to be confused with the spiritual cool-aid that felled so many with the Jim Jones farce. It was a treat to see so many Indian children, who dressed in white were like little cherubs. Funny, wise, and awestruck they provided my entertainment beyond the beautiful Hindu prayers. You should just go see or hear a prayer ceremony just to get out of your safe little confines. So, for me it like a blessing n’ danna, not wanting to be a disciple but appreciating where they are going. They have similar positive compassionate goals as my Buddhist teachings so it feels like a missing brother or sister. Plus jokingly, my partner is always saying he is 30% Hindu/70% Buddhist …it gave me a taste of his alter ego. Namaste

Spider Update and Firm Intention

Spider update, I had one adult and two children, so I guess the last one left me with more friends. Mom is out scouting, while the kids are trying to get the hand of repelling from my upper right ceiling. I grabbed Mom and lifted her higher before turning on the water.

On to more important things, my partner registered for a University Masters Program and I am enjoying his excitement to do what was only a dream for him. That he thought would never come true. Along with daily meditation for a minimum of 1/2 hour a day since last Oct which allows me the time to reflect on every thought that comes into my head. Some days it is easy, to pull away and find the clear space…other days it may be busy in there, taking longer to settle down. It does become easier to access this clarity. And the desire to analyze who and what, I think I am. My waking life I see more and more times of happiness and letting go of the need to say something critical to mask my unhappiness. I do think before I speak more often than not, also trying to find a positive mind and project my internal happiness. When I do I find many more people, especially ones I don’t know talk to me, because my body language is as loving as my mind. All this combined with dharma is conscious work and I have long way to go. With the positive feedback I see and feel …it is no longer a stab in the dark. I just keep placed in my mind the few times I have met realized happy people and felt the unbelievable love combined lack of body language that says stay away. I will get there with firm intentions and a spiritual guide.

Making Use of Our Precious Human Life

If you are going to take the wisdom out and practice, the first thing you do is start with an open heart. As simple as an intention, is it not necessarily easy to pull smile when the whole world seems like it is collapsing. But your own worries should not placed on others, knowing they too suffer. Walking down to temple, I encountered a guy in his PJ’s and his new puppy. Instead of walking by ignoring both, I kept my heart open and a wish to not show any displeasure. Mr PJ’s was not into talking to anyone, but his dog was saying howdy in a big way. I said to him, “Hi, how are you? And what dog is this, he is so cute?” while petting him. The puppy showed his excitement by pissing on my shoes and pants. The man said,”Oops!” I looked down at the puppy, and made no facial remark to compliment his spray of enthusiasm. What is done is done, I thought to myself… that is a new way of dealing for me. If I show any displeasure it will not undo what has been done, nor “make it right.” I said, “Oh, well…what mix is he?” Brushing right over what happened. The owner told me and I said good-bye walking onward to my temple. I ran into a friend, who told me about a break-up, leaving me to think about he fact that I find it much easier to access sadness than happiness and thought about why that is? Perhaps, this is a sign that we all suffer even in its minor forms, but more importantly this awareness alone will allow me to provide more happiness to others. I can change this dynamic just simply by being aware and taking care to show a happy face even when things get difficult, because there is no guarantee for anyone that life will be like they wanted, me included. We have the opportunity living where we do to make important changes with our precious human life. We often forget how lucky we really are. Photo by my partner from a border town in Cambodia, a poor boy who doesn’t beg and instead works hard. You can help these kids by clicking on and supporting Street Friends on the upper right.

Buddhist-Ease

I have been waiting for the right idea to expand upon, sorry if I seem to have dropped off. My spider story got some negative feedback like, “Are you bored or have nothing to say?” But you have to give your friends credit when they make you think or push you. Today, I meditated on one of the Lamrim about death and impermanence. If one comes to realization that nothing exists in the same form and everyone will experience death. Overtime, it will bring a more present awareness of life and our place in it. It will ease us out of the thinking that grasping onto things outside of ourself as being a firm constant that once obtained the happiness will flow. I have nicknamed this as “Buddhease.” Finding the awareness and reflection we get with meditation and dhamma that I have seen a distinct lightening of character. And gradually letting go of always wanting it to be my way. I am by no means perfect, but at least by now when I say of do something inappropriate, just know that I reflect on most every action, and make a clear intention to change next time. I have noticed how I now look at things in my house and outside, with a clear knowledge that they are aging like me. It is a definite new way of thinking but becomes obvious once you experience the fact(in meditation) that we have a tendency or trying to hold on and preserve something that is constantly changing all the way down to the cell level….our me! If you get far enough along in meditation you can do object meditation trying to find the “I” that is you that you so fiercely cling to. You will find that your “I” is a mental concept only. This may sound weird in copy, but whether or not you experience this you still can benefit from meditation, if only to calm your busy mind down. This will allow you at least to look at how you deal with life.

A Simple Fact

Quote from BBC Friday Night Comedy:
"From a country that believes that a problem shared
is a problem halved,
I deal in simple maths,
a problem shared is a problem doubled....
You had it and now you have given someone else IT!
a simple fact

Good Morning, Spider!

There has been a house spider hanging above my shower for a couple of weeks. When I shower, he pretty much stays up high close to the ceiling, but a few times I’ll find him coming down to do some scouting for some chow. When I am showering, I make sure to scare him back up if he comes down, so he doesn’t end up with shower water spiraling down the drain. I am so used to it, that I find myself saying good morning when I hop in the shower in the morning. I make sure to leave a window open to allow prey to fly in, and few times found some ants or flies around the house to feed him. Well, today I found him dead and very dry…I guess got one in his golden years. So, I put him outside in bushes to be prey for another. It's almost spring so I be able to make more spider friends, soon!

A Day of Meditation

A Peaceful Talk

A friend asked me to go to another organization’s Dharma talk and meditation that fit better in his busy schedule. Of course, I said yes, but watched quietly on my internal chatter. In that space between my ears, I heard myself debating whether it would be as good as my current teacher who has 30 years experience direct from a well-respected Tibetan monk. I fought quietly my dismissals of pre-conceived ideas of how it would be, and forced myself to go openhearted. I knew the organization's stature in the community and heard of them for years. We arrived early thinking there would be some Chi gong warm-ups first. The church that held these talks, also houses and feeds homeless so we walked in just as they were entering for the night and settling down. After a quick look around we found out the warm-ups were cancelled, so I said lets meditate until they start the session.

Sitting down in the back of an old, cold, gothic church, I pulled my hood over my head, since I have short hair to keep it warm. Starting to meditate, using the idea of relaxing expectations, so in the 40 minutes it took to start the session, I was fully relaxed. In a poof of smoke most all of my reservations left, so I could easily settle in for their mediation before the talk. People quietly entered and some sat in pews, and a few sat on the floor. I know people get attached to “their” spot wherever it might lie, so I watched and let most everyone settle in, then took a space left in the side aisle. Another 40 minutes breezed by, without me every having to move, primed from my earlier meditation with hardly a thought coming to mind, but the chill of the church. When they broke the meditation, I moved to a pew totally focused on whatever this new dharma teacher had to say, taken by his calmness and forethought that was maintained throughout the teaching . He spoke on one of Buddha’s teachings to monks about letting it be, and just watching every feeling that arises. Whatever it may be. I was happy knowing that if just one person is helped then it really doesn't matter who the teacher is. The teacher never misspoke or guessed, and upon completion answered questions from people. I watched when three different members asked questions and looking around it became quite obvious the suffering aura the room carried with it. I am not saying I above suffering by no means, more of the awareness of the commonalities we all share living this human life. Perhaps, I am just lucky to see at this instance to see my suffering takes a seat behind all others.

My new quote that I hope has never been expressed anywhere:
“If you are no longer a man of your word,
how can you maintain the belief in yourself?”

B is for Brain

What if you are reading a book, and you find yourself dragging out finishing it. I find this happening now and am wondering if what is this fear of not wanting to put it to bed. It feels like a small death. But, you say, why and when there are so many good books to read? Why I am being so foolish? I don’t know, if I keep it going, diving back into a faraway place and out, I may somehow will make me that think that life doesn’t end. But I know even more so now that my end is closer than the beginning was. I even dreamt about this a few times at night. And I thought that I would live forever. Damn fool! I am still a bit pissed about this, because even since I was a kid watching all the science miracles and cryonics, I thought by now they have figured out a way to put your brain in a new body. Fat chance, and even if they could with my luck and my brain, it would end up being worse than what I have now. And who really wants an old damaged brain in a young body… eeeks! Kids are going up too fast as it is! So back to my book, I know deep down this can’t be the cause that I am just not setting aside enough time for a brain injured person(me) to read. I can’t read on a bus or when it is noisy. Same with talking, the more input the harder conversation is, so I have to switch to being a listener more. There is always a positive spin on things. I was thinking about this while talking to a friend, as I get older I am more able to see the subtleties of life. The slight upward cadence of a person’s voice when they are happy to talk to you, as well as the slight downward tone that can be a wide variety of causes, from being busy to not happy to talk at this moment. As a listener, I see when people have to talk, even when there is nothing important to say. So, now I have to finish this smart book Finding Orwell In Burma, to change my perspective at this moment. We only really have this moment.

It Was a Very Good Year

Oh, so damn long ago, here I am, going for a drink at the bar in Keystone Inn, a ski lodge with friends, celebrating my 21st birthday. A nice bar that normally we could never afford to be in, if we didn't work there. Finally, I can put the 3.2 beer they sell to those kidsters where it belongs…in the urinal. I'm there living nearby with a bunch of other college drop-outs in a A-frame house on the Snake River. A house so trashy we never had to clean it. In the spring, the river used to flood our basement and blow out the pilot on our water heater. Damn it!.. cold showers, again. One friend, Dr. Bong used to fall asleep with his boots on the fireplace stove and wake us to black smoke billowing upstairs. So, he used to wake up with magic marker on his face, our little art therapy, and today he was a pirate! That guy could sleep through anything. We could ski all day, and then work nights setting up conventions. No stranger to wild kid pranks, I used to marvel at the smart asses that use to throw butter pallets on the convention ceiling. “Honey, I think we struck oil somewhere in the rockies!” as they fell when the heat came on and the seminar was in full swing. But it was a bitch to clean up after, and it wasn’t until I found a ruined suit coat on a chair back, did I look up. Quickly pulling my baseball cap back down and yelling, "There she blows," pointing upwards. And then we had to cook the space to speed up their delivery to earth. Or Not. Rolling tables in and out to set up or take down spaces, like a juggling act. We were dressed up in best Purina khaki, strapped with belt pagers that allowed us to text out the next location for Wild turkey, a nap in a vacant room or a maid rendezvous in a suite. All while I fantasized about a new troop mate working there or a roommate. It was crazy time, but back to my 21st party at the bar. It is May, but being 9000 feet it was still snowing. The heavy kind of snow that killed any noise, and we watched outside the window as it piled up. “I can’t wait to ski the east face.” Jordan said. It was a face off the highest chair, that was only attainable when you traversed far away from the main run. A great place to crash in new snow when bindings don’t release. The bar was cozy, a bit higher class than the four of us, in our head we had a Mark IV in the garage, but no... we just knew the bartender. One of us the got the crazy idea to do Kamikazes, and we were off. The unstoppable, William Shatner, a childhood source of entertainment, was at the bar that night and ready to propel us into space with another round. We all said he looks great, and then joked that he was holiday until his face lift scars relaxed. Thanks for drinks, Bill! Drunk and stupid we had to leave to get home to bed to work the following day, and three of us piled into my car and the rest in of my roommate's car. Driving home to put “Dr. Bong” to bed, our resident stoner. It was snowing in big chunky fat girls flakes. I took off, driving along the road, clipping the right front tire in the snow on the side of the road and laughing at the huge ploom of snow that cascaded outwards. We were hysterically laughing and just about the time that someone said, watch out!…the car was sucked in, jettisonned off the road, still laughing. Landing was great, just like a pile of feathers...quiet, soft and totally white. Whumphf! When the hysterics ended, we rolled down the widows and dug ourselves out. Walking out to our friends who saw it all happen from the car behind. My thanks go out to the guy in the white truck with a wench that just pulled my little Corolla to safety…all for a just a stern warning to be a little more careful. It was a very good year!

Expanding Pleasant Experiences

I have been seeing a new friend who lives on the same street, a few doors down from where a previous partner of mine lived over 20 years ago. I find it pretty interesting in looking at his old place now when I go see her...it is so small. It for some reason always makes me laugh when I see it. This, mind you, is not because I was a little kid, all of 25. My memories of that place and the events that happened there have obviously expanded in the years that have passed. They were all happy, loving, youthful and silly and now many years later …still bring some joy when recalled. What arguments and petty disappointments that happened way back there and at that time are long forgotten. It is no surprise that although we are not partners now, we enjoy a good friendship to this day. It could be because of our intent back then, that remained to this day...they outshined any bad moments. So my memory enlarged the house and events in mind in the years that passed, I guess because it wasn’t contained… it expanded. If it had been a bad experience it would have been painful and concentrated in a tight mind. Recalling painful experiences one often finds the same or concentrated repeats of the anger and hurt. You can't lose sleep over things that are no longer happening and have passed… which seems totally foolish if you really think about it. I am reminding myself to create the experiences I want to relive and enjoy again. If I can limit any anger I have now, it will allow pleasant feelings to rise with greater frequency. I am all for enjoying the lightness of being that I am capable of, so it will naturally lead me to concentrating my mind in love and compassion. Some foresight with my actions would be much better...a reminder.

Worry or Not?

If you stop worrying about things you can’t change, and there are tons of them, you'll begin to find your ability and frequency of happiness increases. I have found in moments of weakness, when worry creeps back in, if I get busy with helping others I can avoid it fairly easily. These ideas are not mine, but Buddha’s. Often tried by me, once I have heard the applicable teaching once or twice and made a bit firmer in meditation with concentration and reflection. My goal is lessen the irritation that is really low-level anger when we find fault in most everything we encounter. I am not trying to be humorless drone, and being so far from perfect, would be happy with 20% less dissatisfaction to things I don’t like. If I can accept things and just be neutral in feeling, instead of labeling as something I don’t like…I will easily see the happiness quotient increase.
So things I want to change become more of an intention for good, then a rejection of the bad. This actually has the benefit of expanding your world, instead being fenced in with the enormity of your dislikes. I would like to promote Lifestraw even through it is made of plastic, which in some poor countries is often burnt for disposal. Although it does not work on salt or chemically polluted water, it still is a valid and low cost way to save people’s lives. Many charities work hand in hand with Vestergaard Frandsen, the manufacturers of Lifestraw. For the $2 you spend on one coffee, you could help give one person clean drinking water for a year! That is how one could quickly jack up your happiness by putting yourself in another’s shoes. Especially for those less fortunate. My link to Mercy Corps in the upper right is just one of these charities.

Finding home, a little history...

When my doctor finally got around to jerking my stomach tube out, I knew it would be all better now. Well, almost. "Aren't you gonna stitch it", I ask?" "Nope" he said. I have to say it was as fun going in as was coming out.
So, I got real busy on finding a new home, since I would soon be kicked out of my first condo. So, I got a friendly realtor to help in my search. If I only had a brain. He would drive me around, and view what you can’t afford just to put me in place. So, he would just drive me to other side of the tracks. "It’s got great bones," he would say. So, after a month or two of this I threw a tantrum. Then he just dropped the MLS book in my lap, finally I could chose! Enee, meanee, miney, mo. My finger lands on a page. Watch out here comes the cripple, and watch him drool out a meek hello. Time was awasting, with a deadline to get out of my old old condo before they bulldozed. I finally found a cute little probate. “I smell dead people.” I was so happy, this is it! I already had signed the papers and was busy saging the house to find that my friendly home inspector missed 100k worth of termite snacking on the house. Oops. Conveniently, the fine print says I can only recover his fee. Silly me, I still can't really read yet. I knew I had really done good, when I find out my next-door neighbor pounds out my wake-up call on our joining walls at 3:30 am. Sally also makes a perfect 10-point turn when she polishes off a vodka bottle. It is cute how the crunch sound of neighbor’s car reminds her to back-up and turn. I would come home, and find her passed out in her car, wake her only to find out she wanted me to help bring her vodka gallons into her house. Occasionally she would ring my bell, and forget why, so she would just rant on the fact that she could not understand poor little old me. Well, 4 years of this and she was found to be just a little expired after 2 months of quiet, but oh, so well pickled. Home free! Not. I forgot to tell you about Billy. The wanderer. When I could see the bed hair at 3pm, I knew I in for a good staring down. He would wobble by without a word, fixating on you. He likes me. Oh, yeah and he was a great parker as well. If not on the sidewalk, he was splayed on our street, like the car just up and died from his bad breath. Charming, friendly Billy used to wander up and down the street leaving his mark in new concrete, BILLY WAS HERE, and a few years later he was not. I missed a good friendship and a free house, damn.The welcome wagon has finally arrived, my humor.

Is That All There Is?

While having a friend over for breakfast, we were discussing the formation of our concrete acknowledgement of our impending death. Joking about it we sometimes feel that the Peggy Lee song, Is That All There Is? will suddenly come to our last conscious thought. But jokes aside, the self-awareness we have with age is also very comforting. One has enough personal history to fall back on to make hopefully better decisions. And if we make bad decisions we can laugh at ourselves easier.
When you are young, you sense what is behind you feels like jello. So you rush towards the future, in the hopes of finding that elusive happiness, thinking that is out there. We were never schooled on our own minds and how they work. That happiness lies within each of us. If we started kids with meditation, they would develop clearer minds and find no need to look beyond for external happiness. It can’t be found in things, jobs, cars, clothing, or techie gadgets. It was a surprise to me coming from advertising who’s whole premise is that we have something you want. It looks like happiness, it feels like happiness and even smells like happiness but once you get said thing it quickly becomes old or worn and leaves you back were you started. I knew back when I did advertising, there were some things I would never buy, yet would hard at getting others to buy. I slowly became aware to myself that I am selling my soul, if I really had one at that point. I may have been developing my soul, amassing enough personal history to make a better decision but still without finding happiness. Personal transformations happen when one is ready mentally. I tried a lot of external ideas of happiness, and they never quite seemed to work. Years ago, when I awoke from my coma, I saw the worried faces of my partner and family staring at me. That gave me enough strength in absolutely the most difficult circumstances I had ever known up to that date. And now, years later, I am aware that it was my first idea that doing things for others is way better than doing it solely for yourself. The power it gave me to heal for them far exceeded any power I had ever had previously.

Chain of Events

A great chain of events in history, Obama’s inaug-uration made me recall links of my life.

I was saying to my friends that Bush’s errors enabled Obama to succeed him, and thank him.
When I was 14, I decided to bus across the US with a friend over the summer from Florida to California and back. This had duel purpose to travel see the west and to avoid my father. The first night we were driving through Jackson County, Florida in the panhandle. I saw red lights flashing in the surrounding trees. The bus was being followed by the police. Why, I thought? I heard the African-american driver say he wasn’t speeding and won’t stop in this county because they are well known racists. This went on for a while, and I guess he was blocked up ahead, and they forced us over at which time the police stormed the bus, and forcefully dragged him out of the bus. Some of the passengers, including me debarked to watch what was happening. They were using a bully club to beat the driver, and told us to get back in the bus. A german girl and I, along two other passengers stayed outside aghast at what was happening. Several times we were caught yelling..NO, NO, NO ! Again, with a southern drawl one officer demanding we return to the bus and started to raise a baton at us. I got to see his name badge, he was that close. He said, “Greyhound will have to get you another driver.” I knew from the fear the driver exhibited on the bus before we were pulled over, this is the deadly south. I also have traveled in the south in the 70’s as a boy, witnessed the hatred. So I was on it with these officers, and it was hideous when they dragged him to the rear of the bus so we could not see, so I made a lot of mental notes. I felt so helpless knowing what was going on. When we got to next station driven with a new driver, I called up Greyhound and put my name on for witness to this scene. They took a deposition later when I got to my destination of California, and I returned alone when my friend chickened out. I grew up that trip, and realized that no matter how difficult my life is, there is far worse out there. It enabled me to leave and work away other summers. So, this inauguration moves many of us to acknowledge how far we all have come.

Riding that Wave

Rolling over to the downward phase of life’s cycle in the usual parabolic wave of happiness I biked out in the sun. I am still working on the internal flame of happiness that resides in each one of us. Knowing if I combine meditation with the bike ride I can equalize the external to the internal. It is a process of accessing our internal well. As always, I write this to remind myself. If I stop my habit of piling all the bad or troublesome worries into one mountain you cannot climb. But I do find the more I meditate these slight down cycles are less long and less strong. So meditation helps to me to avoid use of any drugs and helps boost my happiness quotient. I do find that it brings me much closer to reality and to more normal expectations of myself and the view of the world. Today, on Service Day, I volunteered to clean up the beach with a rake and picked up trash. Surprised that there is so much Styrofoam broken into shell size pieces all over. No, I wonder how much is contained in sand when it is reduced by the wave action. I was not alone, as there were at least 150 near by and more way down the beach. A surfer and an older person who were not involved in the clean up, saw me and said Thank you. That was a nice relaxed way of being connected and rolling back up. That looks like a pet muskrat rolling his head back to look at you in the right of my photo.

Does it Always Have to be Spoken?

I was at temple discussing a part of Buddha Dharma after a teaching. I was trying to express myself, but like I do quite often, pick words easier for people to understand coming from me than the correct word. We were discussing Buddha’s ultimate truth, which alone is a difficult one for anyone to fully comprehend. I may have said the wrong word, and the person I was talking to probably did not know my intention. But I have somewhat relaxed on being misunderstood as it comes with the territory of my brain injury. Everything is an appearance to our mind. I have noticed in long meditations that I am just what I have in my mind, and the minute I am able to clear it out ...I just exist. In fact, I even sometimes lose the attachment to my breath. But the thing that came to mind was if it is an ultimate truth why does it have to be spoken? If is truly an ultimate truth, then one should be able to be taught, by the pure intention of your teacher or guru. That is providing one in is the correct space both mentally and physically to receive this lesson or any others. In the past I have met realized monks, that at times have felt their pure intention but not being in the correct mental space did fully understand what they were trying to communicate. Nonetheless, I still was changed by the experience of their presence and it was done without any spoken words between us. In one instance years ago, I was blessed by a monk in an ancient Khmer site, and it took me over an hour to get back into my body. I was as empty as space and only now think it might have been a teaching. This helped to start me on my path when I returned. I visited a new friend, who suggested I meditate with him for an hour, having never done it. Surprisingly, I had carried the wish to do so, strongly in my heart and completed it to his and my total amazement. So I have heard that a prayer is a heartfelt wish, so was that monks blessing was a wish or a teaching?

That Same Face

It’s quiet, with the exception of the beeps on my monitoring equipment. I know ...I have been here before. I am going in and out of consciousness, and it is getting harder and harder to breathe. My partner is watching me, wondering…I look at him, and see three wrinkles of worry on his forehead. I marvel at his handsome face, his few eye wrinkles, his graying temples, but he is much more, a truth body. Yes, I have learned so much from him. He knows death well, from cremating his own brother when was 18 from suicide, not to mention his parents in the recent past. It is a on to another life that he has prepared us for by making merit and being a monk many times. He smiles. Knowing I am trying to talk, he leans closer to the bed. With a slight smile, I manage to whisper, “I get it,” before slipping into a subtle mind just before death.








Now, back it up. Where or what proceeded this, you ask?


I recently watched Revolutionary Road, and Kate Winslet in a moment of hopelessness of seeing her dreams scattered like ashes…had that face. I said I know that face, and it all came back to me.
My father drunk, sarcastically bitching at my Mom while she was making dinner for the six of us. My Mom’s hands were wet, she had a towel in one hand, and things were burning in the kitchen. She was leaning on the kitchen door frame, just looking at him with the same pained expression, and a tear flowed down one cheek. The four of us kids were avoiding coming to the table to endure, yet another one of his rages. What will he do this time? Mom was torn up, she can never do it, be good enough for him and she had nowhere to go, with the four us attached. She turned around and said, “Fine” and poured herself a glass of wine. She continued on fixing our dinner, tears were flowing down now and falling onto our plates. “Kid’s, you know your father.” Pissed off she would not engage him anymore, he got up from his regular throne, a chair at the table, slamming the door and taking off in his car. Mom would still try to serve dinner, but was so overwrought. I was sick of it, and took off to my room, dinner was not that important. Later my Mom would try to make up for the love that she and us did not get from my father. At times it was too smothering for me, being in junior high…moms were supposed to give you twenty paces, plus I saw right through it. I would say that you can’t make up for him.





Now years later I know what I got from my mom, was the ability to love someone, love myself and this formed my successful relationships. Lucky, I have no kids to worry about having to feed and clothe. I pity the situation she was in back then, and am glad she is happy now. She paid a hell of a price for us kids. Thank you Mom, and I really owe you my life. Yes, I finally get it.
The top photo is by my partner of the cremation of a family friend. A dear father figure who helped him as a child, when his father took off drinking, leaving his mom to raise her 4 kids without him.

Like Clouds

I was in a local bar for a quick beer, and said hello to old man next me as he looked lonely. He said, “I am unlucky in love,” as a lady friend left. Then he proceeded to tell the bar back has pulled in as much $1600 a night at Bingo at a local high school. Playing for 3- 4 hours with 18 boards at a time, those numbers come fast. Wow, I said you are fast and lucky. But his problem was love, but does he spend 3-4 hours working on love or helping others? Who knows, but I doubt it.
What if I told you no one could help you? I am referring to my idea that everyone’s life is different. That is how you grew up, who loved you, who did not and what difficulties you encountered so far. Perhaps my idea of happiness is not yours? How did you approach problems you have had so far? I am curious. Did you see them as impossible to tackle? Where did you start? Maybe you stew on it for a while. Then you start to obsess or you avoid it entirely for a bit. This is providing it is not life threatening. In your mind you can make it worse or better. It is, far easier to go eat…just look all the fat Americans. They and a lot of people walk around with a cartoon bubble above their head full of problems weighing them down. Stop. Just look up in a sky full of clouds…changing, swirling, coming and going. Someone, somewhere has had worse things happen to them, and believe it or not...you are lucky. It sounds quite childish when you say, "But they are MY problems.' Are you going throw a tantrum or just figure it out?

Your problems no matter how severe they are, they just like those clouds. They will dissipate. All you have to do is look back at past problems that were resolved, which at the time they happened seemed like the worst that happened to you. Some of them did it on their own. Perhaps time helped or maybe you made firm decisions to move in the opposite direction of your problem. Or like me, had some tea and worked on someone else’s problems for a while and suddenly yours drifted away. Many of my problems were a necessary trial for me to be more wise. I see clearly once the clouds are gone.

What Do We Get Out Of It?

While shopping today at a grocery store, I saw a women walking up just behind me going for a cart outside the store. I grabbed one for her and pushed it to her, before I got mine, even though I was there before her. She took it, with a small surprised look on her face, but still did not say thank you. I watched my mind at work. Did I do this only for a thank you, instead of being a good thing to do by thinking of others? How often do we do things expecting something in return? Even if it is for a simple Thank you, then we still are doing things with heavy dose of me in the equation. I am trying to mature and look at every motivation, not obsessively, just wisely. If I am to be looked to for wisdom… I had better figure this all out in every detail.

We are, in our core being; beautiful, kind and loving souls, and somehow in growing up, with a few disappointments we throw it all away. Just look at children, you can just see the natural beauty unspoiled at times. I walked out of my garage the other day, and I saw 5 kids and two mothers talking and walking towards me. The first thing a five year old boy said to me was, “Happy New Year!” I was surprised but also touched by his smile, joy and real honesty. It was evident looking at the whole troupe they were all adopted by the two Moms and we all very happy. Looking around someone had left a cool silver headdress high up on a light pole after New Years Eve, and asked the boy if he would like it. So I climbed up the pole and grabbed it and gave to him. The rest said, "Put it on your head", but it was larger than his head, so he put it around his neck and they took off laughing and saying thanks.